How do I say no without coming off like a total cow? [long]

sweetpea0911

One of my friends - Jeff -  is in an accapella group, and I've become friends with the rest of the group through extension.  They've traded members over the years and in total there is 10 of them plus families - 5 currently in the group, 5 who are "alumni".  They tour a lot, and so catching up with them in person tends to be difficult.  I had the opportunity to go to a concert and spend some time with them back in December, catching up and talking about their upcoming overseas tour and my wedding.

They just released a new album, and Jeff had written one of the songs. I was joking with them, saying that if they weren't going to be overseas at the time of the wedding, they should sing me down the aisle.  We all laughed about what my fiance's very traditional family would think of that - probably not on their must have list.  On a whim, we checked the tour schedule and found that they would be in Japan the month of our wedding and wouldn't even be able to attend just as guests. I was sad, but hey, life goes on.

Jeff emailed me last night, saying that due to contract obligations they had to cut their overseas tour short, and would in fact be in the states at the time of my wedding.  They've even managed to schedule tour dates around the date of the wedding in the area that we're getting married in, and they would love to sing at our wedding, now that they are available to, and that I should let them know.

My fiance's church already flat out said no music unless it's a string quartet or a cd of classical music.  On top of that, we're nearing our limit on our reception venue capacity - haven't reached it yet, but I'm trying to avoid that so if we have everyone say Yes, I'm not scrambling for a new venue.  I would have room to add the current 5 members as guests as well as their wives, but not kids (they all have a number of them, except Jeff) and not the 5 alumni and their families.

How do I tell them that I would love to have them there, and would love for them to sing, but that it's just not doable at this point without coming off like a total cow?  I know you never tell someone what they're NOT getting, but I feel kind of backed into the corner on this one.  Help?

AdeleDazeem

"Thank you for your very sweet offer!  Because you said you weren't able to do it awhile ago, we went ahead and made other plans that we can't change now.  I hope your tour continues to do well and that we can catch up soon!"

Avion22

Well, orginally they were going to be out of town, so you planned your ceremony location and reception location based on thinking they were going to be unable to make it (let alone that the church won't allow it, and that your fiance's parents would pitch a fit -- but you don't need to mention that).  But, gosh, I'm sure you'd love to have them all over for dinner at your house after you get back from your honeymoon:-)

McKenna2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-coming-off-like-total-cow-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1f5e2e8-3f64-4a7d-8aff-2b0914a4d5d3Post:bec7fe88-0a23-41f4-bcfa-b027c6b1afc1">Re: How do I say no without coming off like a total cow? [long]</a>:
[QUOTE]"Thank you for your very sweet offer!  Because you said you weren't able to do it awhile ago, we went ahead and made other plans that we can't change now.  I hope your tour continues to do well and that we can catch up soon!"
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

xyrius

I think inviting the band and their wives to the wedding/reception would be sufficient, you don't have to invite their children as well.

Could they do a few songs for you at the reception maybe?  (If you wanted that, that is)?

Calypso1977

My fiance's church already flat out said no music unless it's a string quartet or a cd of classical music. 

i would just say that.  its a rule.  you cant have them even if you wanted to.

DramaGeek

You not only want to tell them that they can't sing at the ceremony but also that they aren't invited, right?

What is your capacity and where are you now?  I would try to invite the 5 in the group + wives, forget the kids.  Were the 5 alums there for the conversation, or just the 5 in the group?  If it was just the 5 in the group, invite them + guest, no kids, and don't invite the alumni.  If all 10 were there...then I don't know what you do.

sweetpea0911

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-coming-off-like-total-cow-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f1f5e2e8-3f64-4a7d-8aff-2b0914a4d5d3Post:a7114d3b-a741-43d3-a1bd-182e0b4a1ba2">Re: How do I say no without coming off like a total cow? [long]</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You not only want to tell them that they can't sing at the ceremony but also that they aren't invited, right?</strong> What is your capacity and where are you now?  I would try to invite the 5 in the group + wives, forget the kids.  Were the 5 alums there for the conversation, or just the 5 in the group?  If it was just the 5 in the group, invite them + guest, no kids, and don't invite the alumni.  If all 10 were there...then I don't know what you do.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

I don't really WANT to tell them that...but I feel a bit backed into a corner...

I'm going to talk to my fiance about the reception and see if we can make room on our list for the boys - all 10 of them - and their wives.  I've known them for a number of years, and it's a "family" like sitution that tends to turn into an all or nothing if you want to avoid hurt feelings.  Especially since two of the newest members have only been with the group for less than 6 months, it would be almost disrespectful to not invite them all - like inviting your youngest brother but not your oldest.

Thanks for your help with my wording, ladies - I hate to tell them no and you've made sure I do it in the best possible way.  I appreciate you!