Helping with the shower

harper0813

Hi all - I know brides should not be planning their own showers. Is it appropriate for a bride to pitch in and help at all? My MOH is very sweetly planning a shower in my home town (with the help of my mom and some of my mom's friends) for my friends, my parents' friends and my aunts/grandma to attend. Would it be inappropriate for me to help cook or bake, or perhaps buy favors? I feel awkward not chipping in somehow (a gift to thank my hostess doesn't feel like enough!) and would like to help her in a behind-the-scenes sort of way outside of giving her the list of guests she requested.

I haven't said anything to her about this yet, I wanted to hear what you all thought first.

rel1988

I think it looks bad to plan a shower yourself, as it looks like you are just wanting to collect a bunch of gifts. That being said, I think it's sweet of you to want to help the hostesses. I plan on offering my FMIL, M, and sis any help. I doubt they will want you to as you are the guest of honor, but I think it is a nice gesture to offer.

brielleinlove

I really wouldn't.  Get your hostesses nice hostess gifts as a thank-you and do something extra for them, like taking them out to dinner, if you must.  But I'd side-eye a bride who helped out with the actual planning of her own shower.

ETA: Preparing food and purchasing favors is, IMO, helping to plan.

harper0813

Thanks Rel - your first line scared me there, and I want to make sure it's clear that I'm in no way involved in planning my shower. I just want to offer help here and there and I don't want my guests to know I'm doing it, of course.

AJuliaNJ

I wouldn't help in any obvious, front-and-center, type of way. However, if I was asked to help or found that the host was overwhelmed, I wouldn't say no.

steign

I hosted a bridal shower for my friend years ago and all she did was "try to help" but, it ended up really annoying me because I felt like she didn't trust me enough to make her party what she wanted. To me throwing a shower (while a bit expensive due to her taste) is not too difficult and by her interfering it just made me feel stressed out because she'd always ask me "How is planning going? What can I do?" I would just enjoy your shower when the time comes!

OwningAHome1981

I think it's ok to help to a degree. First of all not all showers are surprises. I know about mine. I know every single detail about mine. I didn't tell my hostesses what I wanted other than that I don't want to open the gifts but my hostesses are my mom and my sister and they know I hate surprises and they know I'd rather know everything than be kept in the dark. So... I am involved in mine.

As far as if people don't RSVP in time, my mom or sister would have to chase down those responses. I wouldn't think it right for me to be a part of something like that.

Amyzen83

I might be wrong, but I think the ways that a bride "assists" in the planning of her own shower is by making sure that the host has your guest list so they don't accidently invite people who aren't invited to the actual wedding, but that's more precautionary than actually helping with the even itself. I think it's gracious of you to offer to help, so I don't think it would hurt to ask the host if there is anything you can do to assist, but most likely they will say no thank you, they have it cover and to relax and enjoy the shower.

Instead what I'd do, is send them a nice thank-you card a few days after the event with a gift card to a favorite store, restaurant, or my personal favorite Starbucks! Those starbucks cards go a Looong way! I once got a $20 one for my b-day and I think I bought like 5-6 drinks for myself and was able to treat 4 others.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helping-with-the-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f23ca168-7ecc-4ebb-a88a-6be9a6332baePost:6106e82c-4161-4ff4-b5bc-3585069d5026">Re: Helping with the shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, it would be inappropriate to help in any way. Honestly, I know you are trying to be nice, but as the host, I'd be insulted. When I host a shower I am perfectly capable of making sure the guests are fed and watered and given nice favors, etc. It is likely that I'm hosting the shower instead of buying a gift, so you wanting to chip in to your gift would be a bit insulting, even if you are just trying to be helpful, KWIM?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Lia took the words out of my mouth as per usual. 

Even if you want it to remaind 'behind the scenes' imagine a guest approaching the host with "Oh these favors are so cute, where'd you get them?" or "these cookies are delicious, can I have the recipe?" and then the host has to turn to you to answer the question because you actually did that part.  awkward.

harper0813

Great perspectives, everyone - I guess it's hard for me to get used to sitting down and letting someone else do the legwork. I definitely do not want to send her the wrong message, so I'll offer my help if she needs it, and then just sit back and give her a nice gift afterward. Kate, love the idea of a Starbucks gift card.

Thank you!

brielleinlove

I wouldn't even offer.  Even an offer could offend her.  If she wants your help, and I doubt she does, she will ask.

musicalcanadianbride

The only thing I did to help with my shower was the flowers - because I needed to do a trial-run since I am doing my own wedding flowers and the shower and the wholesaler where in the same city. My bridesmaids and my mom (who was helping them out) were happy to have one less thing to do, but I would never have interferred with their food or organizational plans. It was a lovely surprise to see all the amazing food they'd prepared and the unexpected touches. Enjoy your shower!