Wedding Etiquette Forum

Groom's family involvement

My oldest brother is getting married in June. My family has been left out of a lot of things. The wedding part consists mostly of the bride's side of the family. Her brother and cousin are groomsmen. The people selected to be readers, guest book attendants, passing out programs and etc are friends and family.

It seems that is accepted in this society that the groom's family isn't apart of the cermonies and I find that sad. I want to know if there are brides who do involve the groom's family in planning and the ceremony and other events. My sister and I aren't invited to the bachelorette party which is going to happen in May in Las Vegas.
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Re: Groom's family involvement

  • Are you close to your brother?  I would think it was a little strange if you were close and no people in your family were participating in the wedding when the bride's family will be (although being a guest book attendant or passing out programs can be crap jobs).  

    If you're not good friends with the bride, I don't see why you would be invited to the bachelorette.  

    We had all of our siblings participate in the ceremony (my two brothers, DH's brother and two sisters).  

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:e7c7fb06-c25a-4256-8207-a1e558f50091">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you close to your brother?  I would think it was a little strange if you were close and no people in your family were participating in the wedding when the bride's family will be (although being a guest book attendant or passing out programs can be crap jobs).   If you're not good friends with the bride, I don't see why you would be invited to the bachelorette.   We had all of our siblings participate in the ceremony (my two brothers, DH's brother and two sisters).  
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

    We are close with my brother. My other sister is his twin.
  • Are you close to the bride?  If you're not close to the bride, there's no reason for you to be invited to her parties.

    And I totally agree that your beef should be with your brother.  He has a say too, he's choosing not to use it. 

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:5e01023b-1cf3-46d2-976f-6c36e206ab47">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's not necessarily the norm. The hosts of the wedding obviously have the right to make decisions with regards to how their money is spent. Additionally, the bride and groom each pick their own wedding party and decide their own family's involvement. Your beef should be that your brother, not the bride, has chosen not to involve you.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    I know it should be with my brother. But my family and I have offered help to the bride with making favors, helping with food and setting things up and she has turned down those offers.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:d4929b01-d022-4902-9df3-f58811eb46ba">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you close to the bride?  If you're not close to the bride, there's no reason for you to be invited to her parties. And I totally agree that your beef should be with your brother.  He has a say too, he's choosing not to use it. 
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    My sister and I aren't extremely close with her. I have heard of others who get invited to the bachelorette parties and showers of their soon to be sister-in-laws.
  • Maybe she doesn't want to inconvenience you and make you work at/for the wedding.  Maybe she wants you to just enjoy being a guest. 

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:b347aa7f-f509-4d47-bd5e-2e497d6bec83">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : My sister and I aren't extremely close with her. I have heard of others who get invited to the bachelorette parties and showers of their soon to be sister-in-laws.
    Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]
    And I've heard of people inviting every female on the wedding guest list to their parties.  That doesn't mean it's the norm or it has to happen.

    If I were planning a party in Vegas, I'd keep it to the nearest and dearest of the bride.  that's not exactly a "rent a party bus and squeeze as many people as possible onto it" sort of party.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:757e1527-40f4-4f7d-b149-cbe709383ad1">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Maybe she doesn't want to inconvenience you and make you work at/for the wedding.  Maybe she wants you to just enjoy being a guest. </strong>
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I do think that is a possibility. But my family and I feel left out and at the wedding it is going to be awkward for us to see the bride's family and friends handling everything. I guess we should confront my brother about this.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:757e1527-40f4-4f7d-b149-cbe709383ad1">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe she doesn't want to inconvenience you and make you work at/for the wedding.  Maybe she wants you to just enjoy being a guest. 
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    This is what I was going to suggest. I had a bachelorette party in Vegas and while I did invite my FSIL, perhaps she doesn't want you to feel obligated to go, or even uncomfortable with what may go on there.
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  • We are involving both sides of the family in the activities. It's clear that I'm the one that is organizing everything and I've let him know that I want his side of the family (brother, dad, mom, etc)  to be as involved in everything as my side of the family. For example, I've invited my future MIL to come with my mom and I to get my dress, test out the cakes, and get her imput of the flowers.
    It's clear that you are upset with your brother's wedding situation. 
    Can you ask the bride if there is anything you can do to help? Or maybe try to get your brother to ask her?

    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:c2f05ca0-c1ca-4b74-b4ca-f09b0ee33515">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : And I've heard of people inviting every female on the wedding guest list to their parties.  That doesn't mean it's the norm or it has to happen. If I were planning a party in Vegas, I'd keep it to the nearest and dearest of the bride.  that's not exactly a "rent a party bus and squeeze as many people as possible onto it" sort of party.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I'm not saying every female guest should be invited. I don't think two extra people is much.
  • That's a good idea.  Let your brother know that you guys would really like to be involved in some way.  If nothing comes of it, that sucks, but don't take it out on the bride and her family.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:0b004f38-c8fa-4a11-ae78-733241397f70">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : This is what I was going to suggest. I had a bachelorette party in Vegas and while I did invite my FSIL, perhaps she doesn't want you to feel obligated to go, or even uncomfortable with what may go on there.
    Posted by Matty143[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't see it as an obligation. I would actually like to go to Vegas because I've never been there and I think can handle what goes on at a bachelorette party.
  • AlexBT89AlexBT89 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:37df161e-7b90-4972-b840-de5e410f9989">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's a good idea.  Let your brother know that you guys would really like to be involved in some way.  If nothing comes of it, that sucks, but don't take it out on the bride and her family.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I'm not trying to take it out entirely on the bride and her family. I have noticed that brides and their families tend to dominate weddings and I kind of find that sad.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:764e2a0a-ab4f-4da9-80c4-839a55e16e14">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : I'm not saying every female guest should be invited. I don't think two extra people is much.
    Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]

    But that's not the point.  If you guys aren't close, there's really no reason to involve you in her party.  I wouldn't want someone I'm not close to to come to Vegas and watch me make an ass out of myself at my bachelorette party, even if she was my FI's sister.  I'm sorry, that's just the way things go sometimes.  Her b-party  is for HER.  Not for her and your brother. 

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:69354a35-b410-4d15-a290-5183ea0b1cda">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are involving both sides of the family in the activities. It's clear that I'm the one that is organizing everything and I've let him know that I want his side of the family (brother, dad, mom, etc)  to be as involved in everything as my side of the family. For example, I've invited my future MIL to come with my mom and I to get my dress, test out the cakes, and get her imput of the flowers. It's clear that you are upset with your brother's wedding situation.  Can you ask the bride if there is anything you can do to help? Or maybe try to get your brother to ask her?
    Posted by TheNick[/QUOTE]

    We have offered help to the bride and asked her if she needs help with anything and her responses are usually "My family is taking care of it".

    Our mother died 10 years ago, so it just me my sister, and a half brother from my dad's second marriage. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:adca50ba-bbb1-4dc8-a269-4a6b3bbece1a">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : I wouldn't see it as an obligation. I would actually like to go to Vegas because I've never been there and I think can handle what goes on at a bachelorette party.
    Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]

    Well, hm. Do you see her often? If you feel comfortable with it I would just casually bring it up like "Hey, are you getting excited for Vegas? It sounds like its going to be fun!"
    I am sorry that you feel left out, that is a bummer.
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  • No offense, but I wouldn't want someone I'm not close to at my bachelorette party either.
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  • I didn't really involve Shane's family in the wedding planning in any way. I'm not close to his sister, really, although Shane is very close to his sister. I just didn't want to do wedding things with someone I'm not close to. So, I can totally see the bride's point.

    But if his sister had went to Shane and said, you know, I'd really like to be involved with the wedding in some way, tell whitsy to let me know if she needs anything, I totally would have tried to make an effort to involve.

    So that would be my game plan. Talk to brother, tell him how you feel, and see how it goes. If she still doesn't seem to want to involve you, just let it go.
    image
  • edited January 2012
    I agree that if you aren't close with the bride then it's not weird.  Your brother could have had you and your sister on his side, if he wanted too. 

    Are you and your sister not invited to any parties? Including the shower? Because that and the rehearsal dinner would be the two pre wedding parties I would think you would be included.  

    Edit to fix something
  • Look, I think you're coming from a place of good intentions.  I agree that it shouldn't be the bride and her family's show completely.  I think it's really, really great that you guys want to help, I do. 

    But for your sake, focus on the helping with stuff and let the party go. 

    Or offer to throw her a shower from the groom's side of the family.  Or tell her you'd like to have a girl's night out or in with her, and have your own b-party for her.  Invite her out for dinner and drinks, no pressure.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • i think my FI's family is great. This doesn't mean I would feel comfortable having my FSIL come to a bachelorette type party. I'm not close to her. We don't hang out other than when we go to visit them. If I knew her better, I might feel differently.

    Maybe she really doesn't need help with favors or other wedding prep things. I know that I am the type of person that doesn't like to ask others for help with those things. My MOH has offered her help any time but I know I won't take her up on it. It's just how I am. Maybe she doesn't want to have others do "work" for her wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:a7754951-88dd-489e-bf34-34ecef44fa01">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : Well, hm. Do you see her often? If you feel comfortable with it I would just casually bring it up like "Hey, are you getting excited for Vegas? It sounds like its going to be fun!" I am sorry that you feel left out, that is a bummer.
    Posted by Matty143[/QUOTE]

    I see her almost weekly. I will likely see her on Sunday. I don't think I will say anything like that.
  • Also, if you really want a relationship with her, try hanging out with her a few times.  It couldn't hurt to try.
  • Oh, I just saw you've offered.

    Well, I'm sorry you feel left out and that she's not making more an effort to involve you. I mean, you are going to be family. But there's not a lot left to do if you've already tried talking to her.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:be1d6bec-da23-4079-895f-1634ccce3a77">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement :<span style="font-weight:bold;"> I see her almost weekly</span>. I will likely see her on Sunday. I don't think I will say anything like that.
    Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]

    Oh, well that changes some things for me.
    Again, I'm really sorry but it sounds like she just doesn't need/want help.

    I agree with J&Ks suggestions above and you should be invited to the shower and RD.
    image
  • AlexBT89AlexBT89 member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:8a993182-b9bf-4b27-a7fd-62b51b747c43">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that if you aren't close with the bride then it's not weird.  Your brother could have had you and your sister on his side, if he wanted too.  Are you and your sister not invited to any parties? Including the shower? Because that and the rehearsal dinner would be the two pre wedding parties I would think you would be included.   Edit to fix something
    Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

    We aren't invited to the shower. There isn't going to be an actual rehearsal dinner, basically meals will be delivered to the church's parish center after the rehearsal.
  • Also?  My MIL offered to help several times.  But I truly didn't need her help.  Everything was already taken care of.  I didn't leave her out maliciously, I just didn't want to ask, and by the time she offered, it was really too late.  My mom had offered to do several things and help with several things right off the bat, and it would have seriously hurt her feelings if I took those things away from her.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:c93973ca-8657-474e-836c-d92f4ca2f2ac">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, if you really want a relationship with her, try hanging out with her a few times.  It couldn't hurt to try.
    Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

    We do hang a few times a month. We went to the movies a couple of weeks ago. I do try a lot to be closer to her.
  • edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-family-involvement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2dfb1ed-adce-434e-812f-41fae0bececbPost:cd049032-b4b9-4ab0-8cbe-4dc5c7e66662">Re: Groom's family involvement</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's family involvement : We do hang a few times a month. We went to the movies a couple of weeks ago. I do try a lot to be closer to her.
    Posted by AlexBT89[/QUOTE]

    It sounds like she just doesn't want wedding help then. You're doing what you can to be close to her, and maybe to her the wedding just isn't one of those ways she is going to use to get closer to you.

    You're doing all I would have suggested, so try not to let the wedding thing bother you so much.
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