Friendship over... need advice.

triciaholden1987

Hi all,

I have 5 wonderful ladies in my wedding party.  

One of my friends not in the bridal party recently told me that she was upset because I didn't tell her she wasn't in the bridal party (wow, that's a mouthful).  I was in her wedding, but immediently following her wedding she didn't speak to me at all.  That was June of last year!  She found out she wasn't in the bridal party November of last year.  

Was I suppose to tell people that they are not in the bridal party?  She has officially declined the wedding invite and I guess I really screwed up.

Sorry if this comes across as snarky.  

Maggie0829

You did nothing wrong.  Keep repeating that over and over again because it is true.

You pick who you want to be in your wedding party.  And if you did not trully consider her to be one of your nearest and dearest then you made the right decision.  You never have to inform people that they aren't in the wedding.  We usually tell brides that is a rude thing to do, just like telling someone they aren't invited to your wedding is rude.

It sounds like she is being pretty immature about the whole thing.  I would just give her some time and some space.  Maybe after your wedding and honeymoon (if you are going on one right afterward) is over with, give her a call and go out to lunch for a talk...that is if you want to salvage the friendship.

Just know that you did not do anything wrong.

kmbryant2413

You didn't screw up. It would be the same as telling people that you didn't invite to the wedding that they were not invited. As many others will tell you, invites, gifts, and brial party requests are not tit for tat. If she chose not to speak to you and you reached out after her wedding, and then she throws a hissy fit because her etiquette is wrong, then that just makes her look poor.

Sorry you lost a 'friend', but it doesn't sound like she was much of one anyways.

ETA: Maggie and I are on the same brainwave today, apparently.

triciaholden1987

Thanks ladies.  It's really been bugging me lately.  I need to let it go and move on.

MuppetOverlord

No you did nothing wrong.

If you're interested in maintaining a friendship with her though, I would call her and to tell her how her comment made you feel and the reasoning you didn't ask her to be part of your wedding party and how her not talking to you made you feel. We ask people to be in our wedding because we are close to them...people who dont talk to us for a year are not that close to us....

You will either soothe the situation a bit or confirm that you've just grown apart and you've done what you can do.

triciaholden1987

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friendship-over-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f37dba41-edc7-454a-8f7a-ebabb213ff67Post:ad654253-0dbf-4fe7-99eb-eac3d3b93f78">Re: Friendship over... need advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]You didn't screw up, your buddy is being a child. Wedding parties aren't tit for tat. Reminds of a very old friend I don' t talk to much these days. When she got married a mutual friend was her MOH. The MOH had a wonderful boyfriend that the bride would badmouth constantly. When it was MOH's turn to be married, she didn't ask our old friend to be in the wp. Old friend lived 3 states away, had a baby she spent her day with, and was pretty against non religious weddings. Plus, remember how much she disliked the groom. The old friend had to be hunted down for her rsvp. She came late in casual clothes, brought the uninvited baby (11 months old), didn' t say hi to the bride, left before dinner ( which, you know, was paid for) and left a note in her card about how hurt she had been that she wasn' t in the wp, when the bride had been MOH, despite her not even living the right life!  Don't know why, but that girl has decided that as long as you have Jesus you' re above decency and manners.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This makes me cringe.  I have for sure realized I made the right decision.  My WP is drama free, all great friends...just the way I like it!

</div>

stantokm

You did nothing wrong.  This sounds like a case of new-wife-itis.  My best friend got married the first weekend in October (several years ago now) and I didn't see her one-on-one until shortly before Christmas and that was brief.  We didn't start actually hanging out more regularly until that January and THEN she started bringing her husband (my other best friend, granted) along!  We only lived 15 minutes apart, too, so the reason why we weren't spending time alone together was simply because she was MARRIED now and why should she just hang out with me when she could hang out with both of her favorite people?

Eventually it got better and we've been fine for years.  It sounds like your former friend expected you to put up with her completely ignoring you because she was so busy being married--if you want to bother with the friendship, tell her that you're sorry she feels slighted, but you were under the impression that she was the one who wasn't into staying friends, as evidenced by her ignoring you all these months.

Fancypantsamy

Ughh, I feel really bad. I haven't seen one of my BMs in the six months since my wedding either. We've both called eachother to make plans, but she's working two jobs and I had a few months of overtime work plus her boyfriend had an accident (nothing major, but I got why he needed to take her priority for a little while there - he was injured!) and last time we tried to have dinner plans I ended up coming down wih strep throat. I hope she doesn't think I have new wife-itis... I really miss her and I still call her even when we're too busy to hang out and vice versa.

That said if she got engaged tomorrow and didn't ask me to be in the wedding party, I can't imagine batting an eyelash. I'd just be excited to be invited and happy that she's getting married too. Don't beat yourself up.

renegade gaucho

Did she ever tell you why she stopped talking to you after her wedding?

triciaholden1987

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friendship-over-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f37dba41-edc7-454a-8f7a-ebabb213ff67Post:a2ea343a-d8fa-45b7-a938-faaaa4276890">Re: Friendship over... need advice.</a>:
[QUOTE]Did she ever tell you why she stopped talking to you after her wedding?
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope, just that she was married now.  I made several attempts to call/email/text, but after a while, I felt like an annoying girl trying to have a friend.  I was an awesome friend to her and, with everything going on in my life right now, need supportive people around me.  It's been a hard lesson to learn.</div>

Amyzen83

I'm sorry your friend is acting like a child, I agree with everyone else, this is your friend's problem not yours! You should be able to have whoever you want stand up there with you. She should be lucky that she's at least a guest to your wedding. I know that there is one girl who is probubly "expecting" to be a bridesmaid in my wedding and there is no way in hell I'll let her after the way she screwed over my other 2 bffs when she was in theirs.

If your friend's going to continue to cause drama and get all but hurt because she isn't in your wedding then maybe this isn't a friendship worth keeping.

Sierra524

I really am sorry that this happened. The exact same thing happened to me also My roommate from college got really upset when i didnt ask her to be in my WP. She sent me a bunch of crazy facebook messages, unfriended me and flipped out on one of my BMs. Now I know I made the right decision to not pick her. Needless to say, we havent talked in like 8 months and are no longer friends. Kinda sucks, but I guess things like this bring out the true character in people.

smalfrie19

You did nothing wrong. This post makes me so glad that my WP is just my Best Friend since like 8 and my baby sister!