The delicate subject of children...

RockinWhite

So I'm inviting a family friend to the wedding who has 3 kids and while they're adorable, they're also little terrors!! I know they won't sit still or be quiet and the reception is at my future parent in laws house. I'd be afraid the kids would run through the backyard and tear stuff up. But I have other people who I'm inviting who I knows children will be very well behaved (for instance my coworker who has an 8 yr old daughter or my best friend since I was 5 will be bringing her toddler) I want to tell the family friend to please not bring her children but I don't know how without hurting her feelings and I can't say no children around because my coworker and best friend will be bringing there's. Has anyone else had this problem? Will I just have to suck it up and invite the family friends kids as well?

Habs2Hart

You have to make a cut off somewhere. 

Family children only.  Wedding party children only.  Or no children at all.  Unfortunately, you pretty much have to suck it up and invite her children if you have kids invited.  Maybe she won't bring them.

dumdumfroggie

You really can't do that without hurting her feelings.  Generally it's best to make a cutoff - only children in family, no kids at all, etc...).

Inviting one friend's children and not anothers will most likely cause hurt feelings.

crash2729

You need to draw a clear line. 
Children of immediate family and WP only (for example). 

I don't think there is a way to exclude her children without hurting her feelings.

redheadfsu

You need to have clear lines.

If you can't say "because of budget only X's (family, people in the WP, etc) kids are invited" then you need to invite everyone's kids (none or all).

Even with clear lines people might be upset. If you can't explain the clear lines, she will be mad, not come to the wedding, and most likely won't talk to you for awhile. Because saying, "your kids are terrors" will end the relationship.

Kokes28

I think with children it's either you invite them or you don't. It's hard to draw clear lines there and no matter where you make the cut off someone who had to find a babysitter for the night will show up to the reception and see other children and then end up with hurt feelings that their children werent good enough to come.

Cortney1982

I only invited children that are in the family.  Keep it at that.   If you think the kid is that bad that he would be destroying things at somebody elses home, don't invite.

My brother has a girlfriend with two badly behaved children.  One likes to play with fire.  No way is he going to be there when I have candles on the tables!  And I'm not going without candles too accomodate his problem when he's not family. 

Kate61487

technically you can invite whoever you want, and that includes picking and choosing children.  BUT that doesn't mean your friend wont be hurt/upset/pissed.  Cutting in circles, like PP mentioned, of "family only" etc. is the best way to avoid hurt feelings.  If your friend couldn't/wouldn't come without her kids, would you be upset that she missed your wedding?  if so, invite the kids.

We cut it to family kids and OOT kids only because we figured in-town family friends would be able to get a baby sitter and it wouldn't be a big deal, and an easy way to keep our list a little smaller.  A family friend I've known since I was a toddler was unable to come b/c their newest addition is colicky and extremely fussy with anyone but his parents, and the grandma is the only one they've found willing to sit with him and she was unavailable.  He came to the ceremony anyway, while his wife stayed with the baby, and mentioned to my dad after the fact he didn't realize there would be kids.  I SO wish I had just invited the kids; or that he'd mentioned WHY they couldn't come, so we could have extended the invitation.  I felt so bad that he missed our wedding just so we could cut a dozen seats. 

ElisabethJoanne

i agree with the consensus

LittleMissCutiePie

The consenus is right on the money. If you want my two cents, though, I'd buy some wedding insurance and trust the parents will be in control of their children.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_delicate-subject-of-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4335fed-3a86-492f-8d20-172d43093d1cPost:7190b982-d3e2-4cfc-a910-f0e7e12055b4">Re: The delicate subject of children...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>technically you can invite whoever you want, and that includes picking and choosing children.  BUT that doesn't mean your friend wont be hurt/upset/pissed</strong>.  Cutting in circles, like PP mentioned, of "family only" etc. is the best way to avoid hurt feelings.  If your friend couldn't/wouldn't come without her kids, would you be upset that she missed your wedding?  if so, invite the kids. We cut it to family kids and OOT kids only because we figured in-town family friends would be able to get a baby sitter and it wouldn't be a big deal, and an easy way to keep our list a little smaller.  A family friend I've known since I was a toddler was unable to come b/c their newest addition is colicky and extremely fussy with anyone but his parents, and the grandma is the only one they've found willing to sit with him and she was unavailable.  He came to the ceremony anyway, while his wife stayed with the baby, and mentioned to my dad after the fact he didn't realize there would be kids.  I SO wish I had just invited the kids; or that he'd mentioned WHY they couldn't come, so we could have extended the invitation.  I felt so bad that he missed our wedding just so we could cut a dozen seats. 
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

This is where you have to pick your battles.  You do NOT have to have definite line cutoffs for kids.  You invite whomever you wish to your wedding based on relationship.  Kids are no different than your neighbors, coworkers, church family.  You do NOT have to invite all or none.

That being said, parents can get super piissed that their darlings weren't invited but others were.  They are the ones being rude.  This is where you decide which battle is important.  If you don't invite the hellion children you will probably end the friendship.  Only you can decide what it correct there.

I will share this with you.  We had 3 couples we were friends with "pre-children."  2 of the couples each have 2 kids - those 4 are welcome in my home or any event I host anytime.  The other couple has 4 of the WORST behaved girl hellions you have ever met.  I made the decision that I didn't have to dread hosting events or people in my home because of those children so I quit inviting them.  It ended the friendship.  It was the right decision for us.  That was a few years ago and those girls are just as awful and mouthy as ever.  I refuse to be in the position of dreading an event because of ill-behaved children.  One of the best decisions I've made.

When our girls are planning a wedding we do not do the all or no kid deal.  We invite the kids she knows and has a relationship with.  We will not invite her coworkers kids she has never met when we will surely have already cut people off the guest list we would have liked to invite. We have no issue handling this with parents.  We haven't trashed any friendships so far.

Know that if you don't invite these kids the friendship is likely done.  Are you okay with that?