Wedding Etiquette Forum

Who's pregnant?!

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Re: Who's pregnant?!

  • I just got back from a baby shower... not for me though.  I'm not so sure I'm on the 'I want a kid' train.  I have a feeling it's much easier to pawn our 2 dogs off on my mom for 2 weeks than it will be a child.  
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  • Jessjo, totally stupid question, but I note that your ticker says 4 weeks. I recently discovered that gestational age is measured from the last period rather than from the time of conception... so, does this mean that you've actually only been pregnant for two weeks?
  • Sun, Scott and I are starting to have talks about adoption. It's a scary and confusing world.

  • edited August 2010

    Adoption in the states is much easier than here, or so I've been told. I'd love to adopt, but the issue is that we only have a handful of children placed for adoption in our state, and caps on international adoption by country, which mean that there's no where near enough children as there are couples waiting. If we went that path, we could wait years and end up childless. The main issue is that even when a child is on a long-term protection order (meaning that they can't ever return home because it's unsafe) , they are not able to be adopted as they are in the states. Instead, they spend their lives in foster or kinship care, usually with multiple placements and the difficulties that come with not having a secure family as theirs. It's really sad. Some of our laws are changing- recently a new law came in which allows those children to be placed for adoption, but only if the child protection officer decides it's in their best interests- and because none of the child protection officers have been educated on this law and it's not in their practice manual as yet, they don't use it (I had read into the legislation when it came out. A few months later I speaking to a high-level child protection advisor who works on the 'front-line' in advising workers who manage the cases of these kids- I asked her what her thoughts were on the new law and she didn't even know what I was talking about! It was really quite sad given that this legislation has the potential to improve the lives of these kids).

     

    What sort of systems will you need to go through?

  • That is so sad for the poor kids! I guess I can understand the safety issues and wanting to move them around, but still. You come from a shitty past that isn't your fault and yet you will never have the chance for a stable home :(

    I'm just starting to look but so far the only thing we have going for us is that we own our own home. We definitely don't have $30k laying around though, so we would have to wait for at least 5 years (assuming our financial situation doesn't suddenly get better which is a possibility) before we could go that route.

    For me the hardest thing would be the 12 month "return policy". I forget the actual legal name. Basically if the child's bio parents want them back they have up until 12 months to do it. So we could have a baby for 11 months and then they take it back. No refund, no reimbursement, and we no longer have a baby that we've considered to be our own and part of our family.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4394313-10a1-4775-9816-917bbfd1494ePost:66cc139b-37c0-4062-bfb4-439f4685e63e">Re: Who's pregnant?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]That is so sad for the poor kids! I guess I can understand the safety issues and wanting to move them around, but still. You come from a shitty past that isn't your fault and yet you will never have the chance for a stable home :( I'm just starting to look but so far the only thing we have going for us is that we own our own home. We definitely don't have $30k laying around though, so we would have to wait for at least 5 years (assuming our financial situation doesn't suddenly get better which is a possibility) before we could go that route. For me the hardest thing would be the 12 month "return policy". I<strong> forget the actual legal name. Basically if the child's bio parents want them back they have up until 12 months to do it. So we could have a baby for 11 months and then they take it back. No refund, no reimbursement, and we no longer have a baby that we've considered to be our own and part of our family.</strong>
    Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]
    This happened near where I live when I was younger.  I remember it so clearly, the media was all over it.  They actually showed the poor child being taken away from the only family it had ever known and being handed over to literal strangers.  So sad.
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  • edited August 2010

    12 month return policy? What is this, walmart?

    But seriously. Infants have a right to stability- and that right should be greater than the bio parent's right to change their mind. You are destroying their attachment development by removing them from their parents. I've heard of one-month 'change of mind' times, but 12 months? That is just ludicrous! How can anyone justify inflicting that emotional trauma on an infant?

     

    And the moving around that kids in foster care experience isn't usually for their safety (well- it can be if the bio parents are making threats etc), but most of the time is simply because foster parents can have life events come up (eg. sickness, financial difficulties etc) which render them unable to care for their foster children. As it is, we have very few foster parents to the amount of children in care, so they're constantly over-worked and kids are moved from placement to placement because the carers simply can't deal with the load of an extra child. The obvious solution is adoption, but sadly it's not being utilised here yet. 

     

    It sounds like the cost is really prohibitive in the states (as it is here too). I would imagine most couples wouldn't have $30k sitting in their accounts. 

     

    I have faith that whatever happens, things will work out for you, Katie. Have you guys considered IVF?

  • I'm waiting until February (at the encouragement of my gyno) to start fertility testing, then we'll just see where it goes. I've been reading about the various tests and procedures and they honestly scare the crap out of me. I think we'll probably just set an emotional and financial limit if we do try to go that route. We both want a kid of our own genetic wise, but I also don't want to screw us out of the chance of adopting financially by trying IVF for too long. It does help that Scott's family is very supportive of adoption (he and his sister are both adopted, not blood related and his cousin is also adopted).

    This is the first time where the age difference really has come into play. If he were 26 as well it wouldn't be nearly as stressful. But ah well, nothing is promised in life.
  • DH  and I also plan to adopt. From the little research i've done a lot of agencies require you be married for 3yrs.

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  • H and I likely will never have kids, but if we do magically change our minds, we plan on adopting. It always makes me happy to hear that others are considering adoption. :)

    As to who is pregnant, no idea but Congratulations!
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  • Sun- Don't you work with kids in the court system? I remember you mentioning something to that affect. I think you and your H would be fantastic foster parents.

    The emotional part is tough though. My parents last fostered a child when I was in 6th grade. She was about 1 1/2 and a sweetie. We had her for 6 weeks, and probably would have adopted her, but the court gave her back to her mom, which was a dangerous situation. The social worker was just bawling when she came and told us.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4394313-10a1-4775-9816-917bbfd1494ePost:12585d16-9dbd-4610-9c0e-da4e25ff5ec0">Re: Who's pregnant?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sun- Don't you work with kids in the court system? I remember you mentioning something to that affect. I think you and your H would be fantastic foster parents. The emotional part is tough though. My parents last fostered a child when I was in 6th grade. She was about 1 1/2 and a sweetie. We had her for 6 weeks, and probably would have adopted her, but the court gave her back to her mom, which was a dangerous situation. The social worker was just bawling when she came and told us.
    Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

    That just baffles me. When you turn over an animal to a shelter, you can't come back a month later and just take it back, under the assumption that you will become unfit again in the future. Why the hell are you allowed to do this with kids?
  • edited August 2010

    I believe a lot of the problem is that judges simply aren't experts in child protection- yet when it comes down to it, they are the ones deciding whether or not the child protection authorities are granted the orders required to protect the child. A lot of the time you'll hear about child protection cases and everyone says, 'why didn't they do something?', but aside from the obvious issues of workload (which are huge in child protection), frequently courts won't grant the orders that the child protection authority is requesting to do what they feel will keep the child safe. The issue for us here is that the rights of the parent to have the child live with them seem to take precedent over the child's right to safety and security... and on both sides there's a lot of professionals who argue their points strongly, which makes it difficult for people like magistrates who don't work in the area to know how to best balance the protection issues with the parental rights issues. 

     

    I actually work in research in the area at the moment (employed by health rather than child protection- doing health-related child protection research), but I previously used to work on the 'front line' for our child protection authority. 

     

    How old is your H, Katie? 

  • 36 going on 37.  If he were my age waiting 5 years for it to happen would be a non-issue, but time is a little compressed. We also talked about the fact that our first will also likely be our last. I wouldn't want to have them less than 1 year apart, and I don't think it would be a good idea to try for a second kid when he's into his 40's.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4394313-10a1-4775-9816-917bbfd1494ePost:feb09c81-4287-43fa-a0a0-9a76e47421dc">Re: Who's pregnant?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jessjo, totally stupid question, but I note that your ticker says 4 weeks. I recently discovered that gestational age is measured from the last period rather than from the time of conception... so, does this mean that you've actually only been pregnant for two weeks?
    Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, they measure from when the last period began. So at conception, someone would be (about) 2 weeks pregnant. Doesnt make much sense, but I guess they did that because they didnt have all the fancy ovulation tracker/predictor stuff 'back in the day'.
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  • Mags, If you don't mind my asking, which agency did they go through? One of my dad's assistants had to jump through hoops before 3 years before he was able to take home his baby boy.

    I wonder if their age/experience helped them though. They obviously knew what they were doing with you so maybe it made it easier in the agency's eyes?
  • Ok mag. That ticker should have been up a LONG time ago. I didn't even know you were pregnant. Congrats!
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  • I still love your story about T calling you and saying you were officially his sister :) That is so freaking adorable.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f4394313-10a1-4775-9816-917bbfd1494ePost:6de05999-b9fa-42a3-9830-0a2768c960e5">Re: Who's pregnant?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who's pregnant?! : Thanks! It's been up for a few weeks, I just don't really post much anymore. :) Congrats to you! It goes VERY quickly!
    Posted by mag920[/QUOTE]

    I hope goes quick. This last week has gone so SLOW! I cant wait to get out of the first tri, still nervous that little poppyseed will stick. Can't wait for the first u/s!
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  • Congrats again on the poppyseed, Jessjo!

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    Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
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