Sister in the middle of a divorce - now what???

jmp780

My sister decided three months ago (six month before my wedding) that her and her husband should seperate. We had already asked him to be in the bridal party - and his whole family received save the dates and were invited to by bridal shower. Now it is awkward and uncomforable for everyone- I am not sure what to do. I tried to let my sister and her husband work that part out but they can't agree as to how to proceed...HELP!

harpsdesire

Personally, I would do nothing and let those that are uncomfortable decline to attend.

Oh, and if your sister is in the WP too, have a sweetheart table so she and her ex can inobtrusively be seated far apart with their families, rather than both at the head table.

Maggie0829

I am sorry to say that since you have sent STDs and have asked him to be in the wedding then there is really nothing you can do.  I know that you said they can't come to an agreement but I would continue to let them work this out on their own.  Also, just because you invite people does not mean that they will come...his family may realize the awkwardness of the situation and decline the invite but you still must invite them because you sent them a STD.  As for him being a groomsman...it is up to him as to whether to stay in the wedding or not, so no kicking him out because that would be extremely rude.

July2012bride

Well etiquette states that if they received a Save the Date or were invited to pre-wedding parties you MUST send them an invitation. 

One of two things will happen:

1. He and his family decide to come because you've built a relationship with them outside of just being in-laws, and everyone decides to act like adults for the times they are together

2. Parties that are uncomfortable with the situation will decline the invite.

If you liked your BIL enough to have him in the WP, you obviously have a relationship with him.  Now I understand that your sister may be uncomfortable with him being there so again one of two things will happen.  He either is part of the wedding party and she accepts that and acts like an adult OR if you decide to remove him from the WP, it will be a relationship-ending move and you won't likely have any relationship with him again.

Obviously you need to determine what is important to you, but my stance is that it is one day.  As adults, your sister and her ex-husband should be able to stand eachother for one day.  With it being such a new split though, I know emotions are probably still high and only you know the situation and whether or not they can be amicable.  I would let him decide if he is comfortable with being in the WP instead of kicking him out.

ETA:clarity

froggatt.clare

This is probably something that your sister and her ex need to work out.  Keep the communication open between you all.  I wouldn't un-invite his family unless he specifically tells you to.  His family will likely decline the invitations when you send them anyway, so its really just a question of him remaining in the WP, which again is his and your sisters' decision.  Is he really close to your FI?  If they're still buddies then having him in the party may not be too bad, as long as your sister is all right with it.

tenofcups4me

Depends on your relationship with your BIL and how contentious the divorce is. When my sister and her husband separated, I would have kicked him out of the bridal party immediately, etiquette be damned. We had a nice enough relationship but their divorce was horrible and there's no way I would have had him or his family at the wedding.

ETA, also depends to some degree on how long they've been together. My response for a 2-year-relationship would likely be different from my response to a 20-year relationship.

Megbo2012

If it is uncomfortable for them, I feel that BIL will remove himself.  And you still send an invite, to which he will probably decline.  I agree with PP, don't kick him out, you asked him and it's rude.  Just let everything work itself out.

rebarobert2012

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.  I don't think that you should cut anyone from the guest list or kick him out of the wedding party.  If it makes them uncomfortable to attend, I'm sure that they will decline the invitation, and if he feels he cannot be in the wedding party, I'm sure that he will step down.

sarahlee2012

I don't proclaim to be an etiquette expert, but out of respect and love for your sister, I think you should tell him that you are no longer comfortable having him in your wedding party.

I'm sure etiquette says something different, but in this case I think family and support for your sister trumps etiquette.  From personal experience, when my parents separated several years ago my mom's brother & SIL continued to invite my dad to family events because they did not agree with the split and it was very hurtful and disrespectful to my mom. 

Your sister is your sister for life.

kennazebrowsky

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sister-middle-of-divorce-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f51c3e64-393c-4eaf-af3a-5df1a5798d12Post:eb2f9705-f67d-4ba1-ae6f-7371da76b573">Re: Sister in the middle of a divorce - now what???</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't proclaim to be an etiquette expert, but out of respect and love for your sister, I think you should tell him that you are no longer comfortable having him in your wedding party. I'm sure etiquette says something different, but in this case I think family and support for your sister trumps etiquette.  From personal experience, when my parents separated several years ago my mom's brother & SIL continued to invite my dad to family events because they did not agree with the split and it was very hurtful and disrespectful to my mom.  Your sister is your sister for life.
Posted by sarahlee2012[/QUOTE]








This 150% agreed