Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!

Ok, my new mother in law was very un-pleasant and needy two weeks before the wedding because she was moving and we didn't help! HELLO! We had so much to do to get ready for the wedding and had our own guests staying with us. She got mad and didn't speak to us til the rehearsal dinner (btw, she lives about 15 miles away). Everything goes pretty well at the wedding, except, she wears something mildly inappropriate to the wedding (which was at a nice hotel in Houston with over 250 people.) Her dress was backless and VERY low cut, like no bra low cut....

So, then, 2 days after the wedding she emails me saying she would like a list of all the gifts we received so she can send them notes for OUR gifts. I told her I was sending notes! And in most situations, already had send them out when I received the gift. She said she would still like to thank them and needed to know what they gave us. On Mother's Day she asked me again about if I had done the list for her. Then she called my husband today asking about what WE received. And she has emailed me again....

I'm sorry, but isn't it our place not hers to send notes. And, we are enough of adults (I'm 27 and my husband is 35!) to be able to adequately thank our gift givers??? Is this at all a tradition? Should I tell my mom she needs to thank people for gifts that aren't hers! 

I feel like my toes are getting stepped on too much and we have only been married for 19 days.

Can someone please give me some advice!!

-Michelle

Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!

  • Options
    It sounds like she's being nosy. I would ask her why it means so much to be able to thank people herself, but probably would stand firm on this. If she really wants to do her own thank you, she can throw a party or something. But it isn't her place to send thank you notes.
    image
  • Options
    I'd tell her its not her business who gave you what, and you are not sharing that information with her, period, end of story. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Options
    You husband can tell her, "We already sent the thank you notes and we don't feel comfortable sharing that information" then change the subject. It's not up for discussion.

    I bet she's just nosy and is using an excuse to get a list of gifts.
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:13eac75b-b762-4a50-8615-a1550ea59fc1">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You husband can tell her, "We already sent the thank you notes and we don't feel comfortable sharing that information" then change the subject. It's not up for discussion. I bet she's just nosy and is using an excuse to get a list of gifts.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. Don't give her your list and let her know it's taken care of already.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:13eac75b-b762-4a50-8615-a1550ea59fc1">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You husband can tell her, "We already sent the thank you notes and we don't feel comfortable sharing that information" then change the subject. It's not up for discussion. I bet she's just nosy and is using an excuse to get a list of gifts.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Agreed! :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I would say "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable sharing gift information, and we've already sent everyone a think you note.  I can forward you a copy of the guest list if you'd like to thank people for coming."
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:16a68602-1d8c-47f0-a9bb-b9d9010c63f6">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would say "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable sharing gift information, and we've already sent everyone a think you note.  <strong>I can forward you a copy of the guest list if you'd like to thank people for coming."</strong>
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    Exactly.  She can send thank you notes without knowing what they gave you so call her bluff and see if she will send the notes anyway.
  • Options
    Yikes, I am a mother of a bride to be and I just registered solely to reply to this and offer another point of view. I know it is important for me to be able to say to a friend, "Matilda (NHRN) LOVED the vase you sent." Or "How fabulous of you to send beach towels." Or to Crazy Aunt Martha "Matilda said you sent a generous check." If a friend of the family or a relative were to say "Did Matilda get the gift I sent?"  I want them to feel it was important enough for her to mention it to me. Perhaps a compromise could be for you to give your MIL a list of gifts from HER friends and relatives. If she still wants more info, then I would agree, she is maybe just being nosy.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:aa6237ea-9a44-4d2b-9822-29da5c9d4d27">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yikes, I am a mother of a bride to be and I just registered solely to reply to this and offer another point of view. I know it is important for me to be able to say to a friend, "Matilda (NHRN) LOVED the vase you sent." Or "How fabulous of you to send beach towels." Or to Crazy Aunt Martha "Matilda said you sent a generous check." If a friend of the family or a relative were to say "Did Matilda get the gift I sent?"  I want them to feel it was important enough for her to mention it to me. Perhaps a compromise could be for you to give your MIL a list of gifts from HER friends and relatives. If she still wants more info, then I would agree, she is maybe just being nosy.
    Posted by Beachrat[/QUOTE


    Absolutely NOT!

    I was also MOB and knew that was certainly not my place.
  • Options
    I don't even know how I would react if I got a note from a bride or groom's mom thanking me for a gift they received... It just seems really awkward no matter how you slice it...

    Does your H share your discomfort with this?  Has he said anything to her?
  • Options
    Beachrat, that is really nosy.

  • Options
    Wow, that was pretty vehement...... In my haste to respond, I realize I never addressed the subject of writing actual thank you notes. That absolutely is not the business of a MIL, but being able to acknowledge generosity on the part of friends or family is, that seems perfectly natural to me. However, for Redwake I bet there is a huge backstory. MIL was "unpleasanat and needy....didn't speak to us......wore something mildly inappropriate." If she is given to that sort of emotional and social mayhem, maybe there is nothing warm and natural about her interest and motivation.
  • Options
    I am really missing something here. So far, for each gift they've received from our family/friends, I have heard about it including one "I am not sure what it is."
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:e2ee7622-78c4-482e-bb17-11df95c74263">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am really missing something here. So far, for each gift they've received from our family/friends, I have heard about it including one "I am not sure what it is."
    Posted by Beachrat[/QUOTE]

    What's missing is the fact that YOU have absolutely no right to know about what guests gave your daughter & FI.


    NONE at all
  • Options
    I may not have a RIGHT to the information, but she seems to want me to know and we sure are having alot of fun with it all........but back to the original poster, I was trying to give the MIL the benefit of the doubt
  • Options
    I think it's fine for you to comment as long as it goes alone the line of

    "oh, this is lovely, who gave that to you"

    any more info might be volunteered but not requested.
  • Options
    bree, I'm telling agape on you!  I saw what you posted in the confession thread :P
  • Options
    Yeah I don't think I would like to hear from my friend's MIL (who just got married) "kat22885, you sent such a nice check! I know they really appreciated the money."  Awkward.

    A better conversation? "Oh it was so nice to see you at the wedding!  I'm so glad you could come."  The parents shouldn't be commenting on gifts.
    Photobucket Follow Me on Pinterest
  • Options
    At the ages of 27 and 35, I personally think it's ridiculous for FMIL to be that adamant about getting a gift list to thank family members herself. It's one thing to share that info voluntarily, but if you don't feel the need to or have already thanked your guests for their gifts, there is NO reason for FMIL to get involved. Will FMIL have her reasoning, yes, but does that mean it's necessary or appropriate? No.
    Planning Bio

    Our wedding date is November 12, 2011

    110 invited 86 accepted! 20 can't make it 4 haven't responded yet
    RSVP Date October 12th, 2011

  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:aa6237ea-9a44-4d2b-9822-29da5c9d4d27">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yikes, I am a mother of a bride to be and I just registered solely to reply to this and offer another point of view. I know it is important for me to be able to say to a friend, "Matilda (NHRN) LOVED the vase you sent." Or "How fabulous of you to send beach towels." Or to Crazy Aunt Martha "Matilda said you sent a generous check." If a friend of the family or a relative were to say "Did Matilda get the gift I sent?"  I want them to feel it was important enough for her to mention it to me. Perhaps a compromise could be for you to give your MIL a list of gifts from HER friends and relatives. If she still wants more info, then I would agree, she is maybe just being nosy.
    Posted by Beachrat[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm sorry, but I think that's completely unnecessary. </div>
    Follow Me on Pinterest
    my read shelf:
    Savanna Funkhouser's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Options
    Yeah I think there is a difference between a bride or groom VOLUNTEERING info on what was given by whom and the MIL asking for this information. Repeatedly nonetheless.

    OP: Just say "The thank you notes are taken care of, but I can give you the list of guests who came if you'd like to thank them for coming to the wedding." No other notes from MIL are necessary. Just put and keep your foot down.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • Options
    For some people (like my mom...) if someone comments on a gift they gave someone else, they shift into "Why are they telling me that?"  mode.

    Like, any comment form anyone but the couple (even if it is positive!) has the potential to make some gift-givers feel uncomfortable because their gift is now public knowledge.

    And who knows, maybe they might feel like their gift wasn't enough or wasn't as nice as other gifts given within the social circle, etc.  There are many many reasons why commenting on gifts is ungracious other than a sincere thank you note from the RECIPIENTS.

    Weddings aren't like comparing trick-or-treat hauls at the end of the night on Halloween!
  • Options
    I couldn't even imagine receiving a thank you card from someone who I didn't send the gift to. That could be extremely awkward for the gift giver! My biggest question is why hasn't your husband put his foot down? You guys have only been married 19 days and you obviously don't want to begin your life with your new in laws on the wrong foot. So I would think he should be the one to break it to his mom that you guys are handling it and for her to kindly butt out (obviously in kinder words). Hope it works out!
  • Options
    mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mother-law-wants-send-thank-notes-out-addition-mine-gifts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6e17c70-51af-49a5-bb5b-c6679051cbb9Post:aa6237ea-9a44-4d2b-9822-29da5c9d4d27">Re: HELP, My new Mother-in-law wants to send thank you notes out in addition to mine for OUR gifts!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yikes, I am a mother of a bride to be and I just registered solely to reply to this and offer another point of view. I know it is important for me to be able to say to a friend, "Matilda (NHRN) LOVED the vase you sent." Or "How fabulous of you to send beach towels." <strong>Or to Crazy Aunt Martha "Matilda said you sent a generous check."</strong> If a friend of the family or a relative were to say "Did Matilda get the gift I sent?" <strong> I want them to feel it was important enough for her to mention it to me.</strong> Perhaps a compromise could be for you to give your MIL a list of gifts from HER friends and relatives. If she still wants more info, then I would agree, she is maybe just being nosy.
    Posted by Beachrat[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry, but what? That just seems like such an inappropriate response or even comment to someone. I get that your daughter is sharing this information with you, but that does not give you free reign to then mention the gift to the actual gift giver. Great, you know what Aunt Martha gave them, that doesn't mean you need to bring it up with Aunt Martha.

    As someone who has given gifts for weddings, I'm not the least bit concerned if what I gave was "important enought to mention" to the MOG or MOB. The gift is for them, not you. And it's inappropriate for you to comment, thank, write a note, telegraph, watever about it. It just is.
    image
  • Options
    Ditto mkrupar.

    My mother had no business knowing what others gave me and we had to put MIL back in the box since she thought she was entitled to that information.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards