How can I avoid etiquette faux pas without stepping on toes.

SB1512

My mom and BM's have started talking about dates and ideas for my shower/bachelorrette weekend since my MOH is in a PhD program in Florida and working full time and her weekends off are limited.  My MOH has been in several weddings, but I'm afraid she isn't aware of proper etiquette (she hosted a shower I attended a few months ago and was very proud of her idea to put out a wishing well to collect money as well as have guests address envelopes for thank you's). 

My other BM's (sister and friend) have zero wedding experience and my mom is a first time MOB.  My sister is all about trendy ideas (and trying to impress people) and mentioned having the shower at a wine bar that is "lounge style."  I love my sister and while there is nothing wrong with her idea, I have a suspicion a lot of her planning motives (for the shower and the bach party) are being used for her to try and one up her roommate who planned a very nice shower and bach party for her sister a couple years ago.  She even mentioned in front of me "oh me and X (a mutual friend of ours that will be invited to the wedding) were telling friend Y that she is going to be so jealous of your awesome shower and bparty she won't be invited to"

I emailed my mom (financially paying for the shower, but listing my BM's as the hosts) saying that while I'm all for whatever place they decide to host the shower the biggest things I think are important are 1. Everyone has a place to sit (the lounge place is a lot of couches).  2.  People have a table to eat their food off of and are not eating off their laps while sitting on a couch and 3. Nothing is done to make the guests uncomfortable like asking for money or having them address their own envelopes.  I did not mention my sister at all, or my suspicions about her motives.

She responded with, thank you for the input but you can't plan your own party please stay out of it.  I agree and I didn't feel my email was conveying that I was trying to plan my own party, just ensuring that guests are treated properly.  I know the shower is a ways off, but I am going to be absolutely mortified if I show up and see these huge etiquette faux pas, even though I am sure the guests will realize I did not have a hand in planning anything.  Should I not worry about this?  Let whatever happens, happen? 

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-can-i-avoid-etiquette-faux-pas-without-stepping-on-toes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6f0491c-3867-411c-9760-c0537e2d0447Post:6dfc6b92-08c5-4a4b-93a4-8942f1fbe447">Re: How can I avoid etiquette faux pas without stepping on toes.</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there reason to think your mom won't reign your sister in a bit? Considering your mom is footing the bill, she will have ultimate say in how her money is spent. My mom was a first time MOB too, and no one was asked to address their own thank yous, and everyone had a seat at a table.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Again, I love my sister, but she can be very abrasive and intimidating.  She pushed me around throughout our childhood (and she is younger than me) and treats my mom the same way.  As I've grown up I've learned how to respectfully push back against my sister when she is out of line, but it seems like my mom is afraid of her and doesn't want my sister to "hate her" so she lets her do whatever she wants.  So even though my mom is paying, if my sister gets pushy enough about having the shower at the lounge place, my mom will just agree.

Another option is to go to my other BM who has no wedding experience.  She is the sweetest girl ever and is very "it's your wedding, whatever you want should happen."  Although I disagree with this mentality (because it's about being polite and the guests) her attitude would make it very easy for me to voice my concerns to her and since she'll be helping to plan the shower she can be my voice about my concerns and perhaps sway things in a more polite direction.

BrittneyRN

Putting out wishing wells to collect money and have guests address their own envelopes are big etiquette faux pas.

SB1512

Thanks. I think I'll try to approach mom one more time and def talk to my other BM as well.  To be fair to my mom, it wasn't like she said "we are doing these things so butt out" so it is possible that she has things under control regarding proper E and I'll have nothing to worry about.  I know that no experience is needed to plan a shower, I just know that since some of the people planning have no experience they might not know what is ok and what is not, especially since some of the things like wishing wells are all over pinterest and touted as good ideas

MrsGandthebeag

I don't think the couch thing, eating out of your lap, is a big deal.  Most of the showers I've been to (quite a few) were at people's homes and there was no table to eat on.  I managed just fine holding my plate.  While not ideal, I don't think this is a huge etiquette breach.  I would not want to see a wishing well or address my own thank you note though.  

SB1512

I don't see it as necessary throwing my friend into the middle of things.  She's very well spoken and would be able to portray things from a "hey guys lets think about the guests here, everyone should be able to sit down and not worry about spilling food on themselves because they are eating off their laps" point of view.  Additionally, my mom adores this bridesmaid and might think twice before giving into sister (if sister even ends up being pushy).  As I already said, perhaps should give my mom the benefit of the doubt on her abilities to stand up to my sister and even give my sister a chance to not think about herself and what she would want to do and help plan something that is more along the lines of what I would want. 

Jen4948

Don't involve the other bridesmaid in the matter.

On the one hand, I do agree with your mother that you shouldn't be involved in plans for the shower, but on the other, making sure everyone has a place to sit while eating does seem important as well.

I'd go back to your mother and just say, "Mom, I'm trying not to butt in, but it's important to me to know that the guests aren't subjected to anything like wishing wells or not getting to sit down while eating.  Their comfort is really important to me as the honoree, and while staying out of the actual planning, what I'm asking is that if I can't be directly involved, that you bring up my concerns to the hostesses.  I'd really hate for someone to be made uncomfortable at an event in my honor."

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-can-i-avoid-etiquette-faux-pas-without-stepping-on-toes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6f0491c-3867-411c-9760-c0537e2d0447Post:95b2c3f3-6a8f-4db0-9fd0-da9b193a054f">Re: How can I avoid etiquette faux pas without stepping on toes.</a>:
[QUOTE]Putting out wishing wells to collect money and have guests address their own envelopes are big etiquette faux pas.
Posted by BrittneyRN[/QUOTE]

Did you even read the entire OP, Dr Obvious?