Parent Etiquette

crowtherc

d

MyUserName1

I don't think it's at all out of line to insist your names are on the invitations as hosts.  

Have you told your daughter that you are hurt and feel left out?  

raes19

Giving them a $25,000 wedding is a very generous gift, and I think you definately should be able to have some input. Let her know how you feel, maybe she doesn't realize she is hurting your feelings.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:f326265e-54c6-4375-9fbb-a7c72bb011b3">Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a parent hoping to be able to give my daughter and her groom the wedding they have dreamed of.  Dad and I are willing to provide a budget of $25,000. We love their ideas for their ceremony and reception and totally support anything they want to do. Still in all, I am feeling a little hurt/left out that my husband and I are not included in the tastings and other planning sessions.  Our daughter does not want any of the parents' names on the invitations since the groom's parents are divorced and things like that. Her dad and I think it sounds terrible to remind them that we are paying for almost everything involved, but we do consider ourselves the hosts of this celebration and are just feeling rather sad that our involvement does not seem welcome and our names will not be a part of the invitations. Is this normal?  Are we being too sensitive?How should we handle this?
Posted by crowtherc[/QUOTE]

wow

Your daughter should appreciate what she's gettig a bit more.

YOU are the hosts, therefore you go on the invitations, yes, that's normal

NO, you are not being too sensitive

I suggest locking her in her room on bread and water for a while ;)

agh, just beat her

joleri23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:c54b541f-1fb9-428a-a569-392d07cb7cd3">Re: Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Giving them a $25,000 wedding is a very generous gift, and I think you definately should be able to have some input. Let her know how you feel, maybe she doesn't realize she is hurting your feelings.
Posted by raes19[/QUOTE]

Ditto! She is probably just trying to keep the peace with her future in-laws and doesn't realize she's hurting your feelings. Try talking to her about it; you're certainly not being too sensitive. She's your daughter and you love her! Nothing wrong with that.

MyUserName1

That "OUR wedding" crap is very entitled.  

For 25k, I'd let my mom do whatever she wanted.

chattychiqa

I want to hug you. 

Many of us would love to have parents contribute any amount... if my mom had 25k I'd let her have a lot of input.  Holy moly. 

You're not unreasonable.

ootmother2

Is there a convent nearby where she could be made to see the lightn ? 

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:750ad61c-2bd5-450a-a6c3-2acbebf19c0a">Re: Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]That "OUR wedding" crap is very entitled.   For 25k, I'd let my mom do whatever she wanted.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Pretty much. My mother had zero input in the content of our wedding ceremony, but anything else she wanted, she got. She and my father were both listed on the invitations (they hosted both the RD and the actual wedding), acted as hosts at both events, and had as much input as they wanted. In turn, they respected our opinions. (Mom insisted on long BM dresses. Fine. I picked the color and style.)</div><div>
</div><div>OP, just tell your daughter your feelings are hurt. Tell her you want to be more involved. Money does come with strings, and while I don't think that gives you license to walk all over her, she should accommodate your opinions as best she can. If she wants nothing to do with your input and insists on pulling the "IT'S MY DAY" crap, fine. She can pay for her day with her money.</div>

willywally5

Hmmm. I actually do get the whole names not being on the invites deal ... my stepdaugher is getting married; Her father and I are paying. Her bio mother is remarried to a seemingly nice man. They are not contributing. Her FI's mother is deceased; Fi's father is unable to contribute.

We just didn 't care about our names being on the invite as we didn't want to incite anger, grief or embarrassment in the other parents. In our minds, having our name on the invite seems to highlight the whole divorce/death/money issues. My husband and I could care less and just didn't see the need to go there. People who know we are hosting, know we are hosting. (The return address is our home, so it's also not rocket science.)

Bride & Groom have been great about including us in the planning, etc. She has asked for my opinion on TONS of things. But the decisions are theirs. (OK, mostly HERS, LOL!) We have tasted a few cake flavors and she's asked when I can go with to check out the food for the main meal. (Although it's a place we all eat frequently so it's not like we really need to do any official 'tastings.') 

So, my answer is while you have EVERY RIGHT to be listed on the invites, I'd maybe let it go if it is going to cause World War III. 

BUT, your daughter DEFNITELY should be including you on the tastings, some of the shopping and just input in general. I'd tell her you are feeling left out and hurt. 

Then, if she's still leaving you out, send her to her room! ; )

Good luck!

specialk84

I guess I don't see why it's an issue for the OP's  name to be listed on the invitation. She and her H are the parents of the bride, are hosting, and are paying. The only names traditionally belonging on a wedding invitation are those of the hosts and of the couple getting married. There's no reason for the groom's parents to be listed on there, especially since they aren't hosting. An invitation is not a family tree.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:269f3620-93bc-48d6-9c4f-ae78e21fbd17">Re: Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I don't see why it's an issue for the OP's  name to be listed on the invitation. She and her H are the parents of the bride, are hosting, and are paying. The only names traditionally belonging on a wedding invitation are those of the hosts and of the couple getting married. There's no reason for the groom's parents to be listed on there, especially since they aren't hosting. An invitation is not a family tree.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]


I agree

The invitations were in our name and we wanted a live band as it was a formal wedding.

We were invited to just about everything, tastings, vendors, etc. but the final decisions were up to them.

willywally5

Totally hear you on the invites, Crow. The not being included would bother me WAY more. 

Good luck and check your private messages in a bit!

(Edited because I apparently can't spell!)

JaxInBlue

I agree with PPs that you should talk to your daughter about how you are feeling and about how you expect to be a little more involved in the planning process. 

At the same time, I was the bride you described.  My mom and stepfather gave DH and I a generous gift for wedding planning and while I tried to include them in as much as possible, in the interest of not having to have six parents involved, DH and I did a lot on our own.  We made the final decisions about food, tuxes, the ceremony readings and format, who would read - a lot of stuff I know my mom would have loved to be more involved in. But it was far less stressful to pick strategically which things we could involve more people in - like picking between the suitable venues - than having everyone involved in everything.  Every decision would have become political if we had involved everyone, or if we had involved some parents and not others.

We also did our invitations to read "together with their families" in order to avoid the politics of hurt feelings.  My father and ILs did not contribute at anywhere near the same financial level but would have been incredibly hurt (my father especially) if my mom and stepfather were listed.  It would have been an insufficient explanation to say "well, technically, you're not hosting..." to people that care a lot about us and felt they had a stake in the day. 

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that it's worth it to ask your daughter to be more included but I would also listen to and be receptive to the reasons she and her husband have not.  It may not be her intention to slight you, just that she doesn't see another way to manage the expectations and feelings of all involved, particularly if she feels the gift was given without strings attached/in support of what they want to do.  I didn't want our wedding to be a tense or unhappy time for anyone, but especially for DH and I, and I was grateful for the understanding my mom and stepfather exercised in stepping back.  At the end of the wedding, I think everyone knew how grateful we were for my mother and stepfather's assistance and support and that they had done a lot to make our day amazing.  We thanked them, publicly and privately, and tried to do little things to show our appreciation along the way.

Cackle6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:750ad61c-2bd5-450a-a6c3-2acbebf19c0a">Re: Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]That "OUR wedding" crap is very entitled.   For 25k, I'd let my mom do whatever she wanted.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This!! My parents paid for our reception, and any input they gave or decision they wanted to make, I did for them. My dad wanted prime rib, and we got prime rib. My mom wanted the draping for the hall, we got the draping for the hall. I made sure to include them on any decisions having to do with the reception that they were paying for, and also pretty much included them on all of the things that we were paying for (the decor, band, cupcakes, etc).</div><div>
</div><div>To be frank, if your daughter wanted to be able to make all the decisions on her own, she should be paying for more of the wedding. She should be involving you in most of the decisions about the reception if you are paying for it.</div><div>
</div><div>PS. Sorry to be randomly coming out of lurking. Hope you all don't mind. :)

</div>

cnf2013

I agree that you should just let her know how you feel. Hopefully she can be receptive to what you have to say. 

My parents are paying for our reception and I am so grateful. They'll be coming to the tasting and getting to pick out some of the hor'derves and entrees, my mom wants say in centerpieces, among other decisions. 

It's interesting to hear your perspective though. I've been wondering about how we'll word our invites. My parents are contributing the majority of the overall cost. FI's parents are giving us a smaller lump some to do as we please with. But since my parents are paying for probably about 75% I'd want to put they're names on as hosts. But FI's parents are also helping out and I don't want to offend. I thought about just putting something like "You're cordially invited to the wedding of..." and not putting anyone down as host. But I don't want to offend my parents either. I don't think I'd even realize it would be inconsiderate to just leave them off like that. Your perspective and openness gives me more to consider. 

Good luck. I hope you can work things out. 

gailpete

I agree with PPs.  You and H are being very generous and your daughter needs to understand, that even though you don't want to make the decisions, you want to be involved and be able to offer opinions.  After all, it is your money.

H and I paid for DD and SIL's wedding and I was involved in (H wasn't interested in participating) all the major decisions in that I offered options and opinions or advice on what was correct from an etiquette standpoint.  I think the only item I insisted on was that there be a wedding cake.  Neither Dd or SIL are big cake eaters and wanted to skip it altogether.  Other than that, the decisions were theirs to make.

You defintiely should be listed on the invitiation as the host-  the invitation could read:

Mr. & Mrs. Brides Parents
request the honor of your of your presence at the marriage of their daughter

Bride Name
to
Groom Name
son of
Groom Mom name
Groom Dad name

etc.

Good luck, I hope you can ge through to your DD (I'm sure you don't want to, but you can always say "if you don't want our involvement, I guess you don't need our money either").

Kate61487

My parents graciously offered to host our wedding and I was so grateful that they were very hands off, but I ran everything by them and asked their opinions frequently (they almost always responded with "whatever you two want" which was awesome). 

You should absolutely be listed on the invitations if you want to be; honestly the divorce on the groom's side should not be an issue because the groom's parents' names don't need to be on there. 

If your daughter truly wants to assert her independence as PP said she should be paying for her own wedding. 

MrsL2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:de5e1412-0736-4df3-ac3f-adda0c4de7c3">Re: Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to hug you.  Many of us would love to have parents contribute any amount... if my mom had 25k I'd let her have a lot of input.  Holy moly.  You're not unreasonable.
Posted by chattychiqa[/QUOTE]

I agree, I feel so sad. My parents are paying 12k for my wedding. I am so happy that they are willing to do it, and I cant imagine not having my mom there for everything in the planning. Down to every little detail I want her input. We think alike (sp?) on a bunch of things so since my fiance live with my parents we are always talking wedding

Off topic, but with the living with parents, mom and dad built a beautiful big house and made basement into an 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment for my college life because they wanted me to hang around. They didnt plan on me finding the man of my dreams so early but they love that he lives at the house. He pays rent and helps with the yard work ( which is a big job with 20 acres)

gymchick05

I think your DD and FH are very blessed with your gift. My parents paid for the reception and band and we covered all the additional costs (photos/flowers/transport/church/etc).For our tasting, we had a full 5 course meal and it was $60 extra pp to have more than me and DH. Of course I paid and brought my parents- they were paying for the venue and it;s the least I can do. My mom also came to see some of the venues to help us decide. They never demanded anything, but its only right to inlude those paying in your plans and confirm they agree w them. We did list both my parents and DH on the invite to not make hard feelings but did it as Mr and Mrs X, parents of the bride, invite you to attend the wedding of X & Y, son of Mr. and Mrs. Y

Just let your daughter know how you feel. I would be so upset if I found out my parents felt slighted in any part of our planning

melb2013

I haven't read the entire thread, but I thought I'd share my thoughts.

My parents are paying for our wedding.  They are the hosts of the wedding, and as such have come to every planning meeting, have had their input, and their names will be on the invitaion as the hosts.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  In fact, I'd want it to be this way regardless of if they were paying or not.  They are being very generous and are careful not to step on our toes, much how it seems like you are.

I think that you need to explain to your daughter that this is not just HER and her FI's wedding.  Weddings are socio-religious events, and as such it is important to take families opinions and thoughts into consideration, regardless of if they contribute financially.  Because you are paying for the wedding, you could very well do whatever you want with the wedding because you are the hosts.  It's the golden rule- he who has the gold, rules.  You should explain that you have no intention of going against their wishes regarding the wedding, but you can have say and should be treated like the hosts that you are.  Frankly, I think you need to put a little pressure on them.

Your names need to be on the invitaion.  The groom's parent's names do not because they are not hosting.  It's nice to add their names if you want to, but it is not necessary.  However, plenty of people have divorced parents and still manage to put their names on the invitation.

FutureMrsMDJahnke

My mom and I have a great relationship, but when I started to get a little entitled about the wedding, she didn't hesitate to remind me that my parents offer to pay is a gift, not a right. It was a good reminder.

NOLAbridealmost

Regardless of the amount of involvement you have in the "planning" process, as the sole people paying you should be listed on the invitations. An invitation by its very definition is sent by a host to guests asking them to attend an event and giving the details of where/when.  It's not a who's who of the bride and groom's family.  You should be on it. Period.

SB1512

My parents and FI's parents are both contributing to our wedding so I am planning on having both names on the invites.  As for the food tasting, could that be more of a venue thing than your daughter not involving you?  FI and I checked out 6 venues and all had a very different approach for food tasting.  One venue didn't offer a tasting, but would hold (free) bridal open houses throughout the year where all selections off their menu would be available so anyone who wanted to come try the food while vendor shopping was able.  One venue provided a free tasting for the bride and groom and charged $10 per additional person who wanted to taste.  Another venue said as many people could come in for dinner and each person could get half off their meal they would like to sample.  The venue we are using will have FI and I come in on the night of an event that has as many of our meal selections being served as possible and we wlll sample food that way.  Because they have people come in on a night of an event and the space we will be eating in is small (venue manager's office) only FI and I are allowed to do a tasting.  I'm sure if one of us was not available someone else could sub in, but basically yeah 2 people are allowed to taste, and we only get 1 tasting opportunity so even though both sets of parents are paying for this wedding, FI and I will be handling the food tasting and selection due to the limitations behind it.

Knittibell

I also haven't read every response, but as you are paying, YOU are hosting the wedding.
Your names should absolutely be on the invitations, the correct etiquette would be:

Mr. & Mrs. Your names
Request the honor of your presence (pleasure of your company)
at the marriage of their daughter
her name
to (and)
his name
Son of Mr. Bob Smith and Ms. Jane Jones
Saturday, the tenth of December...


DONE- both sets of parents are included, etiquette wise, it's correct, and everyone wins.


I'm really sorry you're having to do this. I think you should absolutely be included on tastings, meetings, etc.

Maybe try telling her that it IS her wedding, and you DO support her (as evidenced by the fact you are paying for the wedding), and that you're happy and excited for her and want to experience things with her and be a part of the process.

If she's really determined to be horrible about this, maybe saying "If you want it to be completely your wedding, then you can pay for it- COMPLETELY."

I hope it doesn't come to that, and I hope she loses the Crazy Bride Brain and comes to her senses. I'm not sure what his parents being divorced has to do with ANYTHING- they're still his parents, they still love him- it's not in ANY way an uncommon situation.I think she's either using that as an excuse for a different, unknown issue, or that diamond sucked her brians out of her skull.

Hugs.

hoffse

Honestly your daughter's future inlaws shouldn't be on the invitations unless she needs to do it to keep the peace.  They aren't the hosts.  Any etiquette guides will tell her that.

My parents have done a very similar set up as you, and my parents are intimately involved in the wedding.  They have no issue reminding me who is paying if/when I get a little "it's my day."  In fact, my mother has asked me to read Miss Manner's Guide to a Suprisingly Dignified Wedding.  It's very funny, but there's also some honest advice about how brides should behave toward the people who are paying, if there are others who are funding the event.  It's made me cringe a little when I think about my own snottiness here and there, and it definitely gave me the wake up call I needed.

My parents gave me a budget but not a carte blanche to do whatever I wanted with it.  My dad's caveat was "this is the max we'll spend.  But we're not paying for anything that is unreasonable."  So that's required me to run every expense by them.  So I'm not getting those $2000 invitations I would really love even though they actually fit in the budget I made up.  But you know what?  That's ok.  I found very similar invitations for a fraction of the price, and it's kept my parents involved.  We're all very happy - because even if it's "my day" it's "their day" also, and ultimately it is just one day.  I think your daughter needs a wake up call, and you don't need to be shy about reminding her who is paying.

Knittibell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parent-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7a85023-674d-4707-a78a-60627e2fba59Post:33a2c057-55e7-4532-96a4-780294c096ba">Re: Parent Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, just a little editing.  You don't put divorced persons on the same line, but you can put them on the invitation.  It is not traditional to do this! Mr. and Mrs. Bridesparents r equest the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter Bride's first middle to Mr. Groom's Full Name son of Ms. Groomsmother Mr. Groomsfather Saturday, the tenth of December. two thousand twelve six o'clock Venue City, State
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]


Yes, exactly. I need more coffee...

mcskatcat

OP, I think you're are right about everything.  You absolutely have a right to be at all these meetings to see where your money is going.  You might have concerns or issues with a given vendor that your daughter never thought of.  I would just tell her, "Look, we are more than happy to pay but I feel like with that we should be a little more included in the planning process.  I don't even want to make any decisions for you, but would like to be included."  And you are by all means within your right to say that.

My parents paid for a large portion of our wedding, and my ILs contributed a little bit as well, but with that we ran everything by them and included them in on appointments.  I know she's your little angel, but she is being kind-of bratty about this.  

pearlaqua

What the crud, OP??

Your daughter in not a delicate little flower who is soooo stressed out by her wedding that she can't be appreciative of the money?

I think a lot of wedding planning stress comes from finances and/or family drama.  We don't know your daughter's situation but you're VERY generously giving her a budget she can work with and her ILs seem like nice people.  Why is she cutting your out of "Their" day?

lyndausvi

I think a lot problems or should I say hurt feelings would be solved if people were just honest and upfront with others early in the process.

For example my parents gifted me a wedding.  They did NOT give us MONEY for a wedding. To this day I have no idea what they spent on my wedding (I have an idea). That is a huge difference.  Just like the host of a bridal shower gets to make all the plans, gets their names on the invite, etc.   It was the same for my parents.  They were the hosts and they were treated as such.

That all said, my parents are not a-holes.   Together we made all the choices.  Their main concerns where to make sure they looked good as hosts.   They didn't care about details like colors or flowers or songs.  Things like an open bar, full meal, chairs for every butt were important to them.

I always knew their intentions.  It was not a surprise.  

Some parents just gives some money and say "have fun".  That's cool also.   Most people fall into some where in the middle and things can get a little tricker.

I also believe that you should be considerate to non-contributing family's reasonable requests.  I've been blessed with reasonable in-laws.  Their requests were not unreasonable so it was easy for me.  I understand that is not always the case.

OP - I think you should just be honest with your feelings.   I can't tell if you gifted your daughter $25K or if you planned on gifting her a party that costs up to $25k.   In either case I think you expected to be more involved and I think that is reasonable.  You are the hosts of this party.  Just because this party happens to be a wedding, does not mean you lose the privileges hosts of other parties get.  From this post it doesn't seem like your are being unreasonable with ridiculous requests.

Marrin713

OP - your concerns are absolutely valid.  $25G is a good amount of money to be putting out, and I don't understand why your daughter is not involving you more.  As the other PP's have written, it's time to have a talk with your daughter and let her know that you feel hurt and left out.

As for the invites, I'm the groom's mom (not literally, but figuratively).  xH and I divorced 8 years ago and it was not amicable and we do not speak.  If and when my son and his FI get around to actually getting married, I would have no problem if they wanted to list me on the invites along with xH.  I would also have no problem with being left off.  You and your H, however, ARE hosting this shindig and deserve to be recognized.