Parents want me to invite all these people (that I don't know)....

sep72fendr

My parents are on my back about inviting all these people to my wedding (that they are not helping out for at all) but half of them I haven't seen in over a year  (some of them I never even heard of!). I have always been the obedient daughter, but how on EARTH do I make my parents realize that all these people they want me to invite, I simply can't because of costs? (Fi and I are fresh college grads.) I want to take in to consideration the majority of my family, but it's hard because it's so huge and the only time I see 50% of them is at a wedding or a funeral.

Also... Fi and I are considering having a Friday wedding over a Saturday one for costs... mom is also barking up my leg for that one. HELP!? How can I take back my wedding without offending my mother?

laurenclaire1386

If she's not paying then she really doesn't have a say on the guest list. You know your mom much better than any of us, so I can't help you on wording a phrase that says, "Mom, this is my wedding that I am paying for. If you would like these people to come, then you can pay for them to come." Or maybe that might work. The point is, if you are paying for it, then you get to call the shots and she needs to understand that.

danieliza1127

If she's not paying for the wedding, you just take her guest list and say thanks and then you and your FI cut people off of it as you see fit.  You don't have to consult her about it.

ac_in_dc

So you and FI are paying for everything? If you're paying, you get to choose who comes.

But even if you're paying, don't be an a$$hole to your parents. Some folks (aunts, uncles, mom's best friend) it's probably appropriate to invite even if you are paying, unless it's a super-small wedding.

Would you be comfortable expanding the guest list if your mom paid for the extras? If so, you could propose that to her.

Otherwise, welcome to the wonderful world of wedding planning! This is just the beginning of people trying to tell you what to do. Be gracious, and ignore them whenever possible. GL!

JK10910

What FI and I did was we decided how many people we could afford to invite.  We then made our guest list together.  When we were done, we divided up leftover spots and gave half to my parents and half to his parents.  Said "These are how many spots we have for you invite people we don't already have on the list" and that was the end of the story.  We also made it clear that we had veto power over their lists, but that wasn't necessary.

As far your actual plans, just let her know it's done, you and your fiance decided, and there's nothing left to discuss.  My mom didn't really want us to have an outdoor ceremony.  When I told her if she didn't want to go to an outdoor ceremony, she surely didn't have to and we'd miss her, she shut up.

MyNameIsNot

"Sorry mom, we can't afford it."

squirrly

"Thanks mom, for those suggestions.  FI and I will take those ideas, our overall vision for the wedding, and our budget into consideration and make the best choices for us.  I'm sure you understand that we do have to stay within our budget."

Change the subject.  Just keep repeating that mantra.  Don't get pissy or frustrated with her, don't have conversation on those subjects with her, etc. 

Eventually, she'll either stop suggesting, or offer cash.  If she does, tell her the price per person to add people, if she wants - and ensure that you include linens, centerpieces, invites, etc. - not just food and alcohol.  If you really don't want those people there under any circumstances, just say that your venue isn't able to accomodate changes to the size of your guest list at this time.

SaraAndrew2010

I agree with the pps that if your parents aren't paying, they can't expect to dictate the guest list to you.

Even if your parents are willing to pay for the extra guests, I don't think that neccessarily means they should be able to invite as many extra guests as they want.  I'm having a similar problem with my FMIL. Even though FI's family is helping with the wedding, I'm uncomfortable with the number of FMIL's friends who are on the current version of the guest list who are complete strangers to FI and me.  Don't be afraid to point out that this is YOUR wedding and you want to spend it with the family and friends who are closest to YOU and FI.

JK10910

Meh, you're all nicer than me.  Granted, my mom "gets it" better when I just tell her bug off.  We have a super relationship that way

sep72fendr

Hmmm... I've tried to the whole "we're footing the bill" line and she just gets pissier and then brings my dad in to it and that's never good.

.  We then made our guest list together.  When we were done, we divided up leftover spots and gave half to my parents and half to his parents.  Said "These are how many spots we have for you invite people we don't already have on the list" and that was the end of the story.  We also made it clear that we had veto power over their lists, but that wasn't necessary.

That is such an amazing idea! I love it!
It's going to be hard because my godfather is part of this intricate weave of family that all lives together on the same farm compound and if I invite him, my parents say I need to invite the rest of his brothers sisters who are also part of the family.

I will keep thinking about this... thank you everyone for your wonderful ideas and input!!

Zooloo

I agree with danieliza.  That's exactly what my fiance and I did.  We asked for each set of parents' wish lists, then we sat down together and decided who to add to our master guest list.  A lot of the people on my FI's parents' list he nixed because he didn't know who they were or they were friends of his parents who he hadn't seen since he was a little kid.