Wedding Etiquette Forum

Help! What do I say?

I need advice and I don't want to ask my H.  Our friends, a couple, invited us to spend NYE with them.  Well we pretty much have standing plans with another couple that we do something with every year, so I had to at least run it past them first.  Woman from couple #2, let's call her S, thinks woman from couple #1, K, doesn't like her and makes her uncomfortable so she doesn't want to spend NYE with them and wants to stick with our tradition of it being just the 4 of us. 

So I told couple who invited us that we were going to do something else instead, but thanks for inviting us, etc.  I explained that it's a tradition with couple #2.  Well now K just e-mailed me and said they are really disappointed and wanted us to come.  I don't know what to say!  I feel bad and there's really no good excuse for us not going except that S doesn't want to be around K.  I don't feel like I can say that but I don't feel like just saying it's tradition is good enough either.

What would you say?
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Re: Help! What do I say?

  • you don't have to say anything. you politely declined and that's it.
  • Honestly, traditions like that count for a lot in my book, so I think you're okay just saying that, Dani!  Don't fret :) 
  • No, I do have to say something.  These are our closest friends.  I can't just ignore her e-mail.
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  • Yeah, I mean, I get that she's disappointed, but it annoys me for you that she's ragging on you about it. 
  • Maybe you can start by talking again to the couple you are definitely spending NYE with.  Maybe explain the situation to them and let her know that you'll do whatever is possible to make her not feel uncomfortable.  Maybe try to reassure her that maybe she's reading couple #2's signals wrong and just needs to talk to her a bit more. 

    That's all I've got.
  • Change the subject to bean dip.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8180b21-6c6d-4f93-b573-13c4eee7d18cPost:07c7b29c-a122-4786-8493-29a3ae4a0fa2">Re: Help! What do I say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I mean, I get that she's disappointed, but it annoys me for you that she's ragging on you about it. 
    Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, me too.  Now I feel like I owe her some sort of explanation when really I shouldn't.  They made their plans and then invited us to come along, so it's not like it was something we all decided to do together.  Ugh.  I hate crap like this.  I tend to just tell it like it is but in this situation I just don't want to have to get in between these two women and be all "but she thinks you don't like her and you're mean to her".  No thank you.
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  • I agree with Amoro, she shouldn't make you feel bad.  You had plans already, you would be a biitch to back out of them.  
  • "I understand you're disappointed, but we really can't break the plans we already had.  We'll have to plan to get together at another time.  How about Jan 9?"

    Really, it's her at fault here.  She shouldn't be pressing the issue with you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8180b21-6c6d-4f93-b573-13c4eee7d18cPost:245d8c30-98e2-490e-b602-916a4f9f941d">Re: Help! What do I say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe you can start by talking again to the couple you are definitely spending NYE with.  Maybe explain the situation to them and let her know that you'll do whatever is possible to make her not feel uncomfortable.  Maybe try to reassure her that maybe she's reading couple #2's signals wrong and just needs to talk to her a bit more.  That's all I've got.
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    I've done all that in the past, it didn't work.  Plus I think she's right that K doesn't necessarily "get" or like her.  She tolerates her, but I don't think she likes her all that much.  So it's hard to reassure S and tell her she's wrong when I think she's probably half right.
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  • So they aren't even asking to be included in your plans they're asking you to come do their plans? 

    I'd definitely hit them off with the "we already have set plans, sorry" and leave it at that.  Just repeat what you said the first time.  It's not fair of her to make you feel bad for not changing plans you already had.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8180b21-6c6d-4f93-b573-13c4eee7d18cPost:956a2830-3ca7-42d3-852c-ad17f36abf4c">Re: Help! What do I say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So they aren't even asking to be included in your plans they're asking you to come do their plans? 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    Right, they went ahead and made their plans (reservations and a hotel room) and THEN told us about it and invited us.  So I said, well I have to talk to S&M because we have tradition to spend NYE with them, if they want to come too is that cool?  She said sure.  I talked to S&M and S isn't really cool with it so I went back to K and said thanks but no thanks.  That should have been enough I think.  Now I'm in a weird position to say something without saying too much you know?
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  • Ugh, that sucks.  I'm also annoyed that she's making you feel bad when you already politely declined.  Esp. since you just said that they went ahead and made plans and asked you guys to join in.

    I'd probably just reiterate what you already said that you already had plans and that it's a standing tradition.
  • This is what I have so far but I keep finding myself wanting to add more::

    I know, and it sounds fun it's just that we have standing plans with them pretty much every year for New Years Eve and needed to take what they want to do into account. 

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  • I think that sounds good.  You don't want too much detail (like what you're doing) because then they might say, "well we'll meet you for dinner and a drink before we go to our hotel" or something of that sort.  Definitely keep it simple and clear that you are declining the invitation. 

    I would just add in that you want to get together and a time when you can. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8180b21-6c6d-4f93-b573-13c4eee7d18cPost:30e22a0d-4970-4f1f-b5fd-cd676d158990">Re: Help! What do I say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is what I have so far but I keep finding myself wanting to add more:: I know, and it sounds fun it's just that we have standing plans with them pretty much every year for New Years Eve and needed to take what they want to do into account. 
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
    What you've got right there is fine, Dani. She is being a drama llama here, and you don't owe her any more explanation than you've already offered.
  • I wouldn't add the line about taking into account what the standing plans want to do. I'd just say "Sorry we already had this scheduled. Can you change your reservation to the next weekend? We really want to see you!" and don't mention the other couple or elaborate on your situation.

    Honestly, I've been forced into hanging out with someone I can't stand b/c she tagged along with people I had plans with, and it SUCKED. And I was on a boat for the weekend with her. I was miserable (well, everyone was actually. That girl is a pill!) on what should have been a fun weekend.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8180b21-6c6d-4f93-b573-13c4eee7d18cPost:30e22a0d-4970-4f1f-b5fd-cd676d158990">Re: Help! What do I say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is what I have so far but I keep finding myself wanting to add more:: I know, and it sounds fun it's just that we have standing plans with them pretty much every year for New Years Eve and needed to take what they want to do into account. 
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    I think that sounds good, Dani.  I'd go with that and not add anything more.
  • edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8180b21-6c6d-4f93-b573-13c4eee7d18cPost:30e22a0d-4970-4f1f-b5fd-cd676d158990">Re: Help! What do I say?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is what I have so far but I keep finding myself wanting to add more:: I know, and it sounds fun it's just that we have standing plans with them pretty much every year for New Years Eve and needed to take what they want to do into account. 
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    I think this is good and definitely offer to make plans for another time.  My FI's parents have a standing January New Year's/Christmas party with a certain set of friends who can't get together during the actual holiday.  Maybe you could start a new tradition like this with couple #1.
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  • I think what betrothed said was best.  If you get into too much detail about how it sounds fun etc, she will keep pressing the issue and even god forbid reach out to S and try to involve/guilt trip her when she doesn't even like her much anyway.  I would stick along the lines of what betrothed said.
    Crosswalk
  • Okay, I sent this to her:

    I know, it's just that we have standing plans with them pretty much every year for New Years Eve and needed to take what they want to do into account.   Maybe we could spend New Years Day together since we'll all be off work, or plan something fun for the following weekend.

    I'll keep you posted on her response.
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  • Also, thank you for all of the advice!
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  • That sounds good.  And if she presses the issue on the "taking what they want to do into account", as in "Well why, don't they want to come or something?" just keep it simple and say that once you "all" talked about it together, you all decided to keep NYE as you traditionally do. That way it's not singling out S as the holdout, and create more questions you don't want to answer. 
    Crosswalk
  • She wrote back and said, "It's fine.  I guess we just didn't realize how much of a tradition it was for you four.   It is kind of a rare opportunity for us to be able to do something like that, so we just wanted to make the most of it is all."

    I haven't responded.  We try to make plans with them ALL the time and they are always declining for one reason or another since they had a baby in March.  So I'm not going to push the issue because I don't want to get pissy and start calling her out on stuff like that. 
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