Questions for all the mothers here

housewifehobbiest

I'm having an afternoon ceremony, so all my bridesmaids are meeting me at my house at 7:00 to get ready.  They all have to travel from PA to NYC, so I imagine they'll be staying overnight the night prior.  One of them has a son who will be just turning 1 around the wedding.  Would it be rude to ask her to have her husband watch their son while we're getting ready/through the ceremony?  Forgive me, but I know absolutely nothing of children or their developmental stages, and I'm not sure if there are still breastfeeding issues or something like that at this stage.  I'm already going to be very very stressed that morning (I have moderate social anxiety and being the center of attention for hours is daunting), and I'd really rather not have a child there if I can help it.

Also, she really wants to have her son be ring bearer.  We weren't planning on having children in the wedding, but I'm not opposed to it if it will make her happy.  He's wearing a little suit anyway, so I was thinking of getting a pillow with fake rings and letting her carry him up with her if he's in a good mood, and just scrapping it if he's fussy.  She would just hand him off to daddy once she gets up front, so it would be all of two minutes, and it would make a cute picture for her.

Any insight would be very much appreciated!

GeauxTigers17

I'm not a mom, but my cousin's child had just turned one before my wedding. Some babies are still breastfeeding at one year. My cousin was not breastfeeding, but she still didn't get ready with us. It was just too difficult. I think it may be unrealistic to expect her to leave him all day - but that's like a mom-by-mom, baby-by-baby kind of thing - everyone is different.

We didn't even attempt the whole ringbearer thing. He was a ringbearer in his aunt's wedding (her husband's sister) but from what I understand he freaked. I think it depends on the child. He didn't come to my wedding (they left him with a sitter, their choice - my cousin didn't want her husband to miss the wedding if he got fussy) but they brought him to the reception.

MattsPenguin

I'm not a mother, but I did have a 10 month old hanging out while we were getting ready.  She was the daughter of one of my BM's.  Her mother (the baby's grandmother) and the baby's dad were taking care of the baby while we got ready in hotel rooms (they were in the same hotel).  But the grandmother did bring the baby by for an hour or two.  We didn't even notice her.

At 1 year old, they will probably be walking, but I don't think going wild.  Maybe a 2 year old, but not a 1 year old.  I'd ask your BM what she wants to do.

As far as being a ring bearer, if you want him or want her to be happy fine.  She will probably have to carry him or his dad will.  He might not make it down on his own.  Just don't have any expectations of the kid other than whatever he does, he'll be cute doing it. 

RebeccaB88

Some one year olds still nurse, some don't.  You'd probably have to find out from her what the baby's needs are.  I probably wouldn't be comfortable with the baby staying overnight either.  But, even if she stays home with him that night, he'd still need to come with her that morning if he needs to nurse. So it really kind of depends, and you'll need to talk to her.  If he's not nursing, maybe Daddy could stay with him, but it's still up to the parents if she wants to be away from him for that long.

You don't have to have him as RB if you don't want to.  It's kind of rude of her to keep pushing it on you.  It's okay to say no thank you, but if it's truly not that big a deal, go ahead and accept.  Your plan with that sounds fine.  But, it's not her wedding, so it's not her decision.

Gabrielle76

I don't have kids, but I watch them a lot. but I don't think it would be rude of you to have your friends husband watch their son.  He might still be breastfeeding, but presumably he's watched the baby before without her, so they most likely have something worked out for feeding him. You aren't asking her to pass him off to a babysitter, you're just asking he stay with his other pparent.
Go for it if you want him to be the ring bearer, but I warn you that if he's at the younger side of 1, he would definitely have to walk down he aisle holding some hand, otherwise he might wander or get scared.  Also totally possible that he will just drop the ring pillow, flip it over, put it in his mouth, etc.  I think all that is adorable, but if you wouldn't like that, I wouldn't do it.  If he's on the older side of 1, closer to 2, I would still have him walk with someone, but there is a higher chance that he will just hold the pillow, not drop it, etc.

housewifehobbiest

Thanks girls! 

He'll be turning 1 the day after my wedding.  He seems like a relatively happy, advanced, not very fussy baby from my encounters with him.

I think the girls will stay in a hotel the night before, and come to my house that morning.  Please don't flame me for this, but I'm not a baby person and being around small children irritates me.  That said, if she can't leave him with dad from 7:00-1:00 (after the ceremony) then of course I'll do whatever she needs to make her comfortable.

For the RB situation, I was planning on having her go down the aisle last (I'm having BM, GM, BM,GM, BM down the aisle) carrying him with him holding the pillow with FAKE rings on it.  If he chews on it or drops it halfway I'm not concerned.  

divinemsbee

If she's a good enough friend to stand up with you, you can always ask. Not that she has to say yes, and you need to work with what you're given and what you know about how they parent, but I don't think it's the rudest thing ever to simply inquire what she planned to do that day. She may already be planning to hand the kid off to Daddy so that she can have some peace while she gets ready and gets you ready. She might have him drop by with the kid at some point to say hi, but she may be thinking ahead about this, or she may be thinking about it as your wedding gets closer.

I have a very good friend who is helping me out and standing up at my wedding and she will have a four year old and a just turned one year old (she's 5 months now), and they will, barring unforseen circumstances, be with Dad, she said that before I had even thought about it.

Gabrielle76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-mothers-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f825fed0-9521-4d4c-b5f9-cdd015887c67Post:f254b1cd-01a8-414d-a8b7-f26c0a7b2312">Re: Questions for all the mothers here</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls!  He'll be turning 1 the day after my wedding.  He seems like a relatively happy, advanced, not very fussy baby from my encounters with him. I think the girls will stay in a hotel the night before, and come to my house that morning.  Please don't flame me for this, but I'm not a baby person and being around small children irritates me.  That said, if she can't leave him with dad from 7:00-1:00 (after the ceremony) then of course I'll do whatever she needs to make her comfortable. For the RB situation, I was planning on having her go down the aisle last (I'm having BM, GM, BM,GM, BM down the aisle) carrying him with him holding the pillow with FAKE rings on it. <strong> If he chews on it or drops it halfway I'm not concerned.  </strong>
Posted by NYCFoodieBride[/QUOTE]

This actually makes for <em>adorable</em> photos. I've seen a few of pint sized ring bearers, absentmindedly stuffing the ring pillow into their mouths, and they are truly laugh out loud worthy. 

Hilraythebride

I don't think that would be rude.  My sister has a son and he is 3, almost 4 by the wedding and I haven't even thought to ask someone to watch him during the time we are getting ready, I just was guessing that someone would do this because we will be going to the hair salon and having pictures taken of the girls getting ready.

I figure someone will be mre than happy to watch him with all the family around, we are staying in a hotel the night before the wedding.  My grandmother takes care of him a lot due to my sisters crazy work and school schedule so I am sure she would be more than happy to do this for the morning of our wedding.

He is going to be a ring bearer and my mom has him practice walking down the aisle in one of her long hallways.  He is really excited about it and I think ti will be really nice to include him.  I like that you said you are going to try and have him in the wedding but any age under 5 you really don't know what kind of mood they will be in that day.

housewifehobbiest

She's one of those very sweet women who will do whatever I ask, but I don't want to accidentally inconvenience her by asking her not to bring him if it would cause issues.   I like the idea of just causally asking what she's planning on doing the morning of without insinuating either way.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-mothers-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f825fed0-9521-4d4c-b5f9-cdd015887c67Post:7a393b43-9344-4e0f-892b-4bac8b76ab06">Re: Questions for all the mothers here</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't asking her to pass him off to a babysitter, you're just asking he stay with his other pparent.
Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]
This is an excellent point.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-mothers-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f825fed0-9521-4d4c-b5f9-cdd015887c67Post:f254b1cd-01a8-414d-a8b7-f26c0a7b2312">Re: Questions for all the mothers here</a>:
[QUOTE]Please don't flame me for this, but I'm not a baby person and being around small children irritates me.  
Posted by NYCFoodieBride[/QUOTE]
This is not flameworthy.

Also, I've never understood the point of a ringbearer that doesn't bear the rings. The actual rings.

tanyanubin

I am a mom. At one, a baby won't be able to hold onto a ring pillow without help. He might not walk well enough yet to get down an aisle. He might cry and shriek through the whole thing. But, as you have suggested you might do, playing it by ear is a great idea. If he's in a great mood JUST before she walks down the aisle, she could hold his hand or carry him. Moods change very quickly at that age. Also, I am totally with you in hoping she doesn't bring him when you are getting ready. Babies are sticky, messy little creatures, lol. You really don't want him there if there is an alternative. I don't think it would be rude to mention that it would be great if she could get her husband to take him while you are all getting ready. She would probably love the time alone with the girls, anyway!

calibud8

I'm a mom.

There is no reason dad can't watch the kid.  After all, HE'S THE DAD!  Mom's don't have to be there 24/7.  The baby will be just fine. 

And quite honestly, I'd rather have my husband take care of the baby while I was getting ready for a wedding.  That way I could focus on my friend, the bride!

As far as being a RB, that may be hard.  At 1, he'll have a hard time walking.  And by 4pm, he'll quite likely be napping or cranky from missing his nap.  While cute, I don't think it's all that practical.

housewifehobbiest

Cali, just to reinterate, he won't be walking, mom will be carrying him as she goes down the aisle.  My ceremony is at noon, not 4, so hopefully he won't be too cranky.

calibud8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questions-mothers-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f825fed0-9521-4d4c-b5f9-cdd015887c67Post:e1f35188-28e9-4d73-ac55-bfec41c9b2f1">Re: Questions for all the mothers here</a>:
[QUOTE]Cali, just to reinterate, he won't be walking, mom will be carrying him as she goes down the aisle.  My ceremony is at noon, not 4, so hopefully he won't be too cranky.
Posted by NYCFoodieBride[/QUOTE]

Sorry.  Not sure where I got 4:00 from.

The only other thing to consider is the crowd factor.  Will he get upset/scared if he sees all the people looking at him?  I've seen flower girls burst into tears at this.

with that said, a little guy in a tux is nothing short of adorable!!

chattychiqa

I have kids and usually wouldn't want a little teeny one tagging along with me for things like that. Even if he is BF'ing, many moms pump. I think you can get a feel for it by asking her what her plans were when she's getting ready. I wouldn't be offended if a friend asked me to leave my baby behind while we got ready, but parents can be especially...uh....well? Let's just say it may not go over well with some. As far as him being the ring bearer, I think if you're indifferent and she's a good friend, there's no harm in having him toddle down the aisle with a pillow.