Anyone with experience with anorexia?

lilja032

My twelve year old sister who I am really close to has just been diagnosed with anorexia. I'm still kind of in shock and I've got no experience with anything like this. Has anyone here had experience with someone suffering with anorexia and has advice on what to do/not to do to help? I'm determined that she's going to recover from this-I know she can do it and I want to help her as much as I can.

annakb8

I've had friends who struggled with EDs, but no one as close as a sister. I don't know what exactly to tell you except to just be there for her. I'm sorry she is dealing with this and my thoughts are with your family. 

dumdumfroggie

I'm sorry to hear this.

Hopefully your sister has outside/professional help as well?

The best thing you can do as her sister is help develop her self-esteem.  Compliment her on things she's good at, without focusing too much on the way she looks.  

KatyRoseM

Don't judge her, it won't help.  Know that it is almost certainly not really about looks. Give her lots of unconditional love.  Whatever you don't don't tell her you think she looks good (I know that seems obvious, but when I went to my mom to try to get help she told me I did a good job of controlling my weight).  

Is she willing to go to therapy?  If she isn't willing to work at getting over it now maybe  she would go to deal with other issues, which can also help.  Mostly let her know that you love her and support her. 

Good luck, I know this is hard but people do recover all the time. 

Avion22

I've had friends with anorexia, but it's been a while.  The biggest thing is that I think people tend to blame the "patient" for being anorexic, like it's their fault or something.   It's important to remember that anorexia isn't about food, and it IS a real disease.   Anorexics cannot control that they are sick, and they aren't "doing it for the attention."   I'm sure you know all of this, but you might need to remind some family members who don't know better:-)

lilja032

Thanks so much guys, all the advice is so so helpful. It's nice getting someone elses perspective on it. I think what we're really trying to focus on is not WHY it's happened but HOW we can help her get better. It's scary but I know if we stay positive enough we can help her. I can't help but worry as an older sister did I maybe show that I cared too much about my looks which caused her to be overly image obsessed-I didn't care any more than any other teenage girl when I was younger. I guess either way now all we can do is help her get better. She's seeing a doctor and my parents are looking into rehab facilities. The positive messages really help too. Thanks so much.

BMcLeodTeam

lilja032 YGPM

Grits8812

I don't have any personal experience with this, but just make sure not to compliment on how she looks while she is going through it.  Compliment her on things she is good at, things that she did wonderfully.  You just need to be there for her and make sure she knows that she has your support, and that if she needs anything, you are there to help her.

BMcLeodTeam

lilja032 sent you another

xxstardust

lilja, you've got a PM.

Bonzo2011

One of my best friends in high school stuggled with anorexia. One of the things that helped her a lot when hanging out with the rest of us was to not make gatherings revolve around food. For example, we would plan to go to the park or a movie or something, rather than get lunch or ice cream, etc. This way she still felt part of the group, included and loved, but there was absolutely no focus on her eating habits.

You may want to talk with your sister's doctor or counselor to find ways you can help and support her without being overwhelming. Remember that anorexia isn't just about not eating, there's a big psychological aspect to it. You'll want to be careful not to push her too hard because even though it's well-meaning on your side, it can backfire.

It sounds like your sister has a great support network, so I know she can beat this!

lilja032

BMcleod YGPM back

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Lilja - one of my sisters is a recovering anorexic.  I'm free to talk if you want to PM me.

lilja032

AllAbout YGPM

sunnydays630

Yes, I do. 

I am sorry you are going through this. Being supportive is such a fine line to walk. It has a heavy psychological element. You can't make her to anything; it will only backfire. I think its most helpful to talk about anything other than food. Talk about school, friends, hobbies, etc. 

You can PM me if you want. 

AllAboutTheBenjamin

YGPM back lilja.

lilja032

And YGPM again AllAbout!

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Replied again

Johan&Kimmie

I am actually recovering from anorexia myself so I can offer a few suggestions.  The most important thing, as everyone has said, is to remember that this is a psychological disease.  Do not blame your sister and don't treat her any differently than you always have.  If you suddenly pussy-foot around her she will experience it as ostracism.

I have to say, I very strongly disagree with all the suggestions of not complimenting her.  That would be crushing!  What I will say though is do NOT compliment her on her SIZE.  You can tell her she is beautiful, tell her she has pretty eyes, a lovely smile, etc... just don't focus on her body.  As a matter of fact, her size should be taboo.  Period.  Many well-meaning people would tell me, "You're so tiny!"  not even in a complimentary way, they thought they were expressing concern, but I basically viewed it in terms of any attention is good attention and if being little is good then being miniscule must be even better!  You see where that can lead.

One way to help her would be to eat with her.  Whatever you do, do NOT try to pressure her to eat though.  Very often anorexia is rooted in a need for control.  If she feels like you (or anyone) is trying to control her eating she will dig in her heels to resist and it will only make things worse.  Also, realize that if she has been starving herself for a long time her stomach has literally shrunk and she will not be able to eat normal amounts immediately.  She has to work up to it.  The best method (I've found) is to eat small portions frequently throughout the day.  That way I get nutrients in without feeling like I was going to explode.

The last suggestion is a reiteration of what others have said.  As I mentioned earlier, anorexia is ALWAYS rooted in some deeper issue, so seeing a professional counselor will probably be the most valuable and helpful thing she can do.  But, once again, control is often a huge issue for anorexics, so if she doesn't want to do this then forcing her is the worst thing you could possibly do.

And finally, in response to your concern that maybe you caused it, I highly doubt it, anorexia is caused by something much deeper (and often much more traumatic) than simply seeing an older sister who cares about her appearance.  So please, don't blame yourself.  I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this!  *hug*  Feel free to email me if you need anything or have any questions.  puddlejumpergirl@gmail.com

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-experience-anorexia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8a5d226-0b6b-41e4-8d1b-c1bdaba4db1cPost:4c0879dc-1a94-449e-a679-ad6505610a68">Anyone with experience with anorexia?</a>:
[QUOTE]My twelve year old sister who I am really close to has just been diagnosed with anorexia. I'm still kind of in shock and I've got no experience with anything like this. Has anyone here had experience with someone suffering with anorexia and has advice on what to do/not to do to help? I'm determined that she's going to recover from this-I know she can do it and I want to help her as much as I can.
Posted by lilja032[/QUOTE]

Ygpm

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-experience-anorexia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8a5d226-0b6b-41e4-8d1b-c1bdaba4db1cPost:4c0879dc-1a94-449e-a679-ad6505610a68">Anyone with experience with anorexia?</a>:
[QUOTE]Has anyone here had experience with someone suffering with anorexia and has advice on what to do/not to do to help? Posted by lilja032[/QUOTE]

My sister dealt with anorexia and bulemia thoughout high school. We just supported her as much as we could without judgment and didn't attempt to force food upon her or stop her from exercising. We went ahead and hired a personal trainer for her so that a professional could deal with her workouts and make sure she didn't push herself too hard, got a nutritionist to take care of her eating and a psychiatrist to deal with the mental problems leading to her eating disorder.

It worked great for a long time, but now that she's living away from our parents and decided to stop taking her medications, she's unfortunately back to the way she was, and her fiance is just worsening the problem.

Fortunately, your sister is young enough that it will be a lot easier for her to learn the healthiest way to live and grow up in a warm, fostering environment where she'll be comfortable and recognize that people love her no matter what. She can learn that if she has these urges to undereat and over-exercise, she can go to her family for support instead of relapsing.

Just don't judge, don't do an intervention, don't force food upon her, stay up-to-date with her doctors, be ready to talk when she wants to talk... in general, show her how much you love her.

MK559

I became anorexic when I was 15 and struggled with it for a year before my parents realized what was going on and got me treatment.  We lived in Italy at the time and there wasn't anyone who could help us (we're a Navy family).  When we moved back to the states a year later, I did an outpatient program at a hospital, which helped me put on a little weight but everyday was still a living nightmare.  It was three years before my parents found the right people and the right treatment program for me. 

Personally, I would recommend skipping traditional therapy and going straight to  Maudsley.  It's really the best option.  Then after your friend is at a healthy weight, go to therapy.  Here's a link http://www.maudsleyparents.org/  It's geared more toward teenagers because of course, you can't force an adult to do anything.  But I'm glad my parents did it, even though I was 19 (I'm almost 23 now).

Find someone who specializes with eating disorders, not just any old therapist.   And consulate a nutritionist. Don't try to force your friend to eat either, that'll back fire.  Be supportive and understanding, which I'm sure you are.  Best of luck to your friend.

fullfrontalnerdity

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-experience-anorexia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8a5d226-0b6b-41e4-8d1b-c1bdaba4db1cPost:a6ef965b-003a-406f-b109-d495a71b52ff">Re: Anyone with experience with anorexia?</a>:
[QUOTE]One way to help her would be to eat with her.  Whatever you do, do NOT try to pressure her to eat though.  Very often anorexia is rooted in a need for control.  If she feels like you (or anyone) is trying to control her eating she will dig in her heels to resist and it will only make things worse.  Also, realize that if she has been starving herself for a long time her stomach has literally shrunk and she will not be able to eat normal amounts immediately.  She has to work up to it.  The best method (I've found) is to eat small portions frequently throughout the day.  That way I get nutrients in without feeling like I was going to explode. 
Posted by Johan&Kimmie[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Also helpful is spending time with her right after eating together, and doing something affirming and normal, like taking a walk, watching your favorite show together, getting your nails done together, going for a drive. She is likely going to feel distressed after eating a meal so this will help her get through those moments by doing something positive and being with someone supportive.</div><div>
</div><div>This is a great website for all kinds of ED resources: <a href="http://www.something-fishy.org/" target="_blank">http://www.something-fishy.org/</a></div>