WHAT DO I DO?? only been to one wedding im making a mess:(

GLENNSEASE

one of my bridemaids backed out on me, then changed her mind. so i decided not to have her in the wedding when she tried to retract her decision but my fi already confirmed his gm.
 so do i ask her again with the possiblity she may back out again or do i ask the one person i should have asked from the gate but was afraid due to the recession i didnt know if she was willing to travel across country
she is the only one besides my fi thats helping me plan the wedding and found me a wedding planner at very little cost:( cant sleep over the numbers
not to mention i dont even know if my venue will hold all these people we asked
any suggestions??

Avion22

So she backed out at first, but now she is able to be a bridesmaid?  I guess it depends on why she backed out in the first place, but as long as you are still friends with her then she should be allowed to be in the wedding if she can make it.   "Un-asking" a bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move, so unless your relationship with her is unsalvageable I wouldn't recommend going this route.

His groomsman have nothing to do with this.  You don't need to have the same numbers, and sides don't have to match.   Having said that, if there is another girl who you really want as a bridesmaid and you feel you should have asked, then ask her too.

Elinetrouwt

Ask your venue how many people they can hold. If you have invited more than that, you have a serious problem.

For what reason did your bridesmaid back out, and how much time has passed since? Did your friendship take a turn for the worse, or was it because of practical reasons? If it was the latter, please let her in again, and by all means ask your other friend as well.

mica178

1. Speak with your venue's coordinator and get your site's capacity.  Make sure they know if you are having a dance floor, band, buffet, whatever, so they can figure out a floor plan and account for that space being used.

2. You do not have to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.

3. It's up to you if you want to allow your friend to be in the wedding party again.  Don't do it  just for the numbers, do it because she is dear to you and you wish to have her by your side when you say your vows.

J&K10910

You can't sleep over the numbers?  Like...the uneven wedding party side numbers?  If that's the case, I suggest you let that go.  Make your decision based on what Mica said--if she's a good enough friend to stand up with you or not.

However, if I had backed out for whatever reason (you don't say why, so it could be anything from you being a horrendous bridezilla and pissing her off, to her not thinking she could afford the dress), and then changed my mind, and you said "HELL NO!" and then you asked me again?  I'd laugh in your face.

RaptorSLH

Agree with PPs, plus:

Please do ask your friend from across the country.  Her finances are her own concern; your only concern is that your friendship is close enough that you want her there.

Also:  BM positions are not unpaid wedding coordinators.  It's nice that she's willing to help, but a BM position is not a payment for services rendered.  Nor should you kick out BMs who are unable to do that stuff.   Ask who you are close to, not who offers to help, or who throws the best parties.  (Ignore the wedding industry advice here: they want as much of your money as they can get, and don't care how many friendships they have to ruin along the way.)

Also: If you're making plans your venue won't fit and budget can't accomodate, you have serious problems.  You, FI, and wedding planner need to sit down together and discuss your budget, venue size, and your priorities.  Bite the bullet and do it ASAP.  Make no more plans until you do.  Go no further with wedding planning until you have a plan that accomodates all of the people you already invited or sent STDs to, and that you can afford (including tax, gratuity, service charges, etc.)

staceycaine

Your post is kind of rambly because you're upset. I thought you couldn't sleep because of the numbers meant the wedding COST, which kind of doesn't have anything to do with this bridesmaid situation.

If you're truly that worked up over cost (and I was, too, so I get it), you need to figure out what you can afford and plan it. The worry will melt off. 

I can't really say what I'd do about the bridesmaid situation because I don't know why she's backing in and out of your wedding, but it doesn't matter how many groomsmen there are, and you should ask the OOT friend. 

Grits8812

So you are worried about your wedding party sides being the same?  They don't have to be.   

Viczaesar

You can't sleep over the numbers?  That's a sign that you're obsessing about this way too much.  Numbers are not important, people are.

ETA: Wait, are you talking about the number of guests you invited?  Proper punctuation and capitalization would go a long way in making your post clear.  If you invited more people than you can hold in your venue then you may have to find another venue.  How many have you invited and what is your venue's maximum capacity?

StephBeanWed61502

Didn't you say you hired a wedding planner in another one of your posts?  If so, the numbers issue is your wedding planner's job/problem to handle.  Also, as I recall from your post on our local board, you allowed your FI to book your venue without you ever having the opportunity to see it... THIS is why that's a bad idea.  Make an appointment to see your venue and talk to their manager ASAP so you can figure out how many guests can be comfortably accomodated, then ONLY INVITE AS MANY PEOPLE AS THE ROOM FITS.

As for the BM issue, listen to previous posters - they got it right.

Finally, use proper spelling and punctuation so we can understand you better, and ease up on the caps-lock in your post titles.  Using caps is yelling.

NolaBride2012

Aw, I'm sorry. I can't say that I completely understand your situation considering, as another poster has pointed out - it sounds like you were pretty upset when you wrote it. I think the best approach is to tackle one problem at a time. Whatever your issues with numbers are (bridal party / total guests) and the venue (FI booked solo - man, you are ONE trusting bride!!!) it sounds like you need a nice glass of wine, a good nights sleep, and to wake up tomorrow and have a sit-down with you, your fiance, and your wedding planner (I believe you meant that you had hired one) and straighten it out. If you don't have a wedding planner, you, your fiance, and an excel spreadsheet and a telephone will suffice - get on the phone with the venue coordinator and organize!

Finally, in regards to the bridesmaid question - based on my *limited* understanding:

1) Absolutely ask the girl across the country NOW. Explain to her why you hesitated asking in the first place, tell her you love her and you'll understand if she can't. If I were your friend, I would be touched just to be asked, especially if you considered what a possible financial burden it could be on me to take on that responsibility

2) regarding the "on-again, off-again" bridesmaid: the story is unclear, but whatever it is, it sounds like a mess. Only you know the real deal. Either way, try not to let wedding stress interfere with a real friendship. As tough as it can be to remember sometimes, no one will consider your wedding as important as you do

Good luck!

GLENNSEASE

thank u for all the responses.  I have decided to hold off on asking her or adding another bm. she backed out because of a fight she had with her husband my cuz and said they would be filing for divorce i am not going to ask her bc i cant have someone back out everytime they have afight it has nothing to do with me and they fight all the time im in school and graduating in may i dont need the stress.  I made a apt to go to the venue to see how we are going to fit all these people 5 bm 6 gm

J&K10910

YOU don't need the stress?  I'm sure she doesn't need the stress of almost divorcing her husband.  If I thought I was going to be going through a divorce, I'd back out too.  That's not just a fight.  Wow. 

RaptorSLH

Ditto J&K.  She has way bigger things to worry about than your wedding party right now.

Viczaesar

You're about to graduate? 

missy68

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_only-one-wedding-im-making-mess?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f8cdde5c-e913-402b-a721-84c0ccc29c63Post:c1db5f7c-2239-4ed0-83b1-b66af4112c33">Re: WHAT DO I DO?? only been to one wedding im making a mess:(</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't sleep over the numbers?  Like...the uneven wedding party side numbers?  If that's the case, I suggest you let that go.  Make your decision based on what Mica said--if she's a good enough friend to stand up with you or not. However, if I had backed out for whatever reason (you don't say why, so it could be anything from you being a horrendous bridezilla and pissing her off, to her not thinking she could afford the dress), and then changed my mind, and you said "HELL NO!" and then you asked me again?  I'd laugh in your face.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

That sounds like my 7 year old nephew deciding between hot wheels cars, remote control cars, and nerf toys. I CAN'T HAVE ALL???