XP Returning Gifts After Brief Marriage

meganb1977

We realized before our April wedding that we had serious communication and compatibility issues but decided to proceed with the wedding in the hope that we could start counseling and work things out. Unfortunately, trying to work things out isn't going very well and I believe we will be separating and possibly divorcing before our first anniversary. In our state, without children you separate for six months before finalizing a divorce, so even if we separated now we would be married for nearly a year. My mother and one sister believe that it would be the proper thing to do, to return the wedding gifts if we are married for less than a year. But the feedback I've been getting from Googling the issue is that the one year mark is an old rule and if you have lived together for several months following the wedding and have used the gifts, it isn't necessary to return them (how could someone seek a refund for a used item, anyway?) Obviously if anyone said something and wanted their gift back I would accommodate their wishes. But do you think I would be fine to keep everything and not make a big deal of asking people, "Do you want your gift back?"

lyndausvi

I bet some old school people would want their gifts back.    

If was a friend I would more than likely "see" there were problems and know it wouldn't last.  So I would be annoyed, but at the same time would not want the gift back. What am I going to do with a used gift? 

I give cash most of the time anyway.  Divorce is not cheap, I really could see myself wanting you to give money back when I know you might struggle for a little while.

Avion22

Personally, I would not expect to get the gift back, no matter how brief the marriage, as long as the marriage actually took place.  If the wedding was called off, then I would expect any gift to be given back to me in new condition, or money returned.  

Loopyseven

I found this article which seems like pretty good advice for the modern times.  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/fashion/weddings/wedding-etiquette-wedding-gift-advice.html

I'd say since you did live together for more than just one or two months, that you are probably okay to keep the gifts and consider them as household assets in the terms of the split.  Sorry to hear things are not working out as planned.

TaraKeeley

I'm sorry things aren't working out for you. I personally would never expect a gift back, regardless of circumstance.  A gift is a gift and you don't take it back.

SmallenForever

I wouldn't worry about it. You have bigger things to worry about and your friends and family should understand.

loca4pook

I woldn't worry about it either. It if was 72 days like a Kardashian, then maybe...but you are year, so you are good

arendiva

If I were your guest I wouldn't expect the gift back. I just wouldn't get you a gift next time. However if anyone asks you should give it back to them.

EAJ2011

My aunt went through this years ago and she did return the gifts mostly because she did not want physical reminders of that painful time in her life. However most people would be unable to return or use the gift given to you at your wedding. You could extend the offer to everyone but know that you will probably wind up just splitting it all. 

I am very sorry you are going through this. I hope for your sake that it is as painless as possible. 

mbrischoux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-returning-gifts-after-brief-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f977bee4-f1d0-43ee-864c-37cc0ba99797Post:5b900ae4-e8bd-4948-8cfa-76e38629c778">Re: XP Returning Gifts After Brief Marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I bet some old school people would want their gifts back.     If was a friend I would more than likely "see" there were problems and know it wouldn't last.  So I would be annoyed, but at the same time would not want the gift back. What am I going to do with a used gift?  <strong>I give cash most of the time anyway.  Divorce is not cheap, I really could see myself wanting you to give money back when I know you might struggle for a little while.
</strong>Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This, and I would say it for any physical gifts (crock pots, linens, the like) as well.  I think my friend would need my support more than I would need a used crock pot.