NWR Am I wrong? (Long)

achiduck

So let me preface this by saying I love my FI dearly but we just had a fight and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

FI and I were invited to my coworkers cottage this weekend but since the host got sick and the weather was going to be horrible it has been postponed. FI is now saying that he doesn't want to go at all b/c it means giving up "a lot" of his free time (1 weekend when he has every weekend off) and spending a weekend with people he doesn't know very well. My office is small and quite social. We're all friends and everyone and their SO was invited to the wedding. I said it seems weird for him to refuse to go to a cottage weekend when we've invited them to our wedding. He suggested I go alone. I said I didn't want to go alone, that I wanted him to come with me and get to know my coworkers better since he didn't come to the BBQ when everyone else's spouse was there and bailing on all events seems rude to me.

So then it turned into a discussion about events we've been to in general. At every wedding, baptism and first birthday we've been to he constantly asks me how soon we can leave. At my own fathers wedding we had to leave at 9 pm because he decided to get up and work from 3-8 am. I told him he didn't need to do that and that he shouldn't b/c my father was getting married but he did and then we had to leave because he could barely keep his eyes open. And then the next day he wouldn't come out to my Dad's house to spend time with my family that had flown in from Germany b/c he was tired and "wouldn't be very good company." This was after we already had made plans to do this. Then when I went to my Dad's I felt like I had to lie and say that the dog was sick and Chris had to take her to the vet b/c saying he was tired didn't seem ok to me since everyone would be tired but still showed up.

Long story short, FI doesn't like to dance and I do. So at weddings I'll get out on the floor with my family and friends and get my dance on. I maybe get 1 or 2 dances out of him and then he pretty much sulks at a table the rest of the night asking me frequently when he can leave. He says that he sees other people leaving at 9 so we should be able to as well. My opinion is that 1) we're not 80 and 2) we don't have kids at home with a babysitter. The only wedding he hasn't done this at was his GMs wedding last September. 

I said to him it seems that it's ok to stay super late at his friends stuff, but when it's my family or friends he's always asking when we can leave and it's embarrassing to me. He said that my friends seems to have more events, but that's mainly because 1) My friends don't live 5 hours away and 2) most of my friends are married so they're at the stage in life where they're having kids, etc and his aren't yet.

So I guess my question is this, is it unreasonable that I would expect that would go to the majority of important events (not random dinners though since I want time alone with my friends) and not constantly ask when he can leave? Does your FI/H go to events with your friends or does he stay home? What is 'normal'?

Avion22

My husband doesn't know many of the people I work with, and he finds social occasions with my coworkers to be pretty awkward.  He feels like he's excluded from conversations (since they're mostly about work, and he has nothing to contribute), and he finds it boring to sit around watching me be social.

I don't want him to be uncomfortable.  So usually before we go, we'll talk about who will be there that he might know, so he remembers who everyone is and feels more comfortable.  We also try to make a decision about when we think we might leave BEFORE WE GO.  Usually we'l revise this during the evening if we're having a good time or if he's miserable. 

Bottom line:  It's rude of him to constantly ask "when can we leave" and to sulk when he's not having a good time.   But if you know that these events make him miserable, then maybe you can go to fewer of them (or you go solo to a few), and set clear expectations for the ones that you DO attend together.    It's not about who is being unreasonable (you both are, a  little bit), but it's about finding a way to make these events more positive experiences for both of you, which takes compromise and communication.

Not sure if this helped at all....

Beachy730

I don't care if I have every single weekend free, it doesn't mean that I would want to give up my entire weekend to go hang out with people I don't know.  Is it a whole weekend thing?  Could you guys just agree to go for a few hours or one day of the weekend?

I will say that for the rest of the stuff though I would be pretty pissed too if it was an all the time thing that he wanted to leave.  Him not dancing isn't a big deal, some people just don't like to dance.  And I wouldn't be making up excuses for him not being there.  I think it is perfectly acceptable if you had said "FI worked 3am-8am before the wedding so he is exhausted today."  However I would not be happy with him always wanting to leave events for my family and friends early or not going at all.  I would figure out some compromises with him, such as agreeing to go together for a set time, or on less important things you just going alone.  

NOLAbridealmost

A lot of people are like your FI; they just don't feel comfortable in certain social circles.  My H is very similar. He is the life of the party around friends his own age and people in the service industry where he works.  He gets more uncomfortable around older relatives and people in the legal industry where I work. 

I don't think you're wrong to wish he was more enthusiastic about going, but I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to stay all night or go out all the time if he's out of his comfort zone.  I agree with PP who said maybe work together on deciding which events he could more easily skip and how you're going to handle the events you DO choose to attend together. 

Kate61487

So I can kind of see this from both sides.  On one hand it sounds like your FI is pretty blatantly an introvert / homebody.  I'm guessing that's something you knew about him from the beginning, and so it seems a little unfair to expect him to change and go so far outside his comfort zone all the time.

At the same time going to family events together and social/work events is kind of a large part of being a couple and it's clearly important to you. 

Has this been an issue from day 1?  or did he previously try a little harder and is now being more resistive?  I think this is something you need to sit down and talk through and compromise on.  Maybe agree to go to the cottage for one day but not spend the night.  For every weekend that you have some activity he needs to go to agree to spend the next one snuggled on the couch.  Pick the events you're more comfortable going to alone and compromise that he doesn't have to go to those.  Something like that....

achiduck

Avion- It did

I definitely agree that there needs to be some compromise and have suggested that to him, but anything I suggest doesn't seem to be good enough. I think we just need to be in our separate rooms for a bit and talk it out later.

Whenever we go to his friends events, for example the Xmas party one of his friends throws every year on the 26th, I stay until around 11 or 12 and then I take a cab home. I like to spend time with his friends and get to know them a bit better, but they're very different than my friends and a few in the "extended circle" usually show up around 10 and pull out pot or occasionally X and since I don't like to be in that kind of environment I leave once I've had enough. I don't ask him when WE can leave I simply tell him I've had enough and I'm leaving but to have a good time with his friends and I'll see him the next day. I don't sulk and force him to leave early when he's still having a good time. I feel like that's a good compromise and I don't see why he can't do the same thing when it comes to my events.

I will get my dance on at weddings, but I also spend a lot more time sitting at the table with him and visiting other tables then I would like to, so I feel like I'm trying to make an effort to make it more comfortable for him, but I also feel like that he's an adult and should be able to deal with a few hours every now and then since we don't go to THAT many weddings (like usually less than 2/year).  

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-am-i-wrong-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa3b6057-ba24-418a-8ce4-32d6465cf0e6Post:8c4f60b6-80ed-48c1-9998-58e0c6e54784">Re: NWR Am I wrong? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]So I can kind of see this from both sides.  On one hand it sounds like your FI is pretty blatantly an introvert / homebody.  <strong>I'm guessing that's something you knew about him from the beginning, and so it seems a little unfair to expect him to change and go so far outside his comfort zone all the time.</strong> At the same time going to family events together and social/work events is kind of a large part of being a couple and it's clearly important to you.  Has this been an issue from day 1?  or did he previously try a little harder and is now being more resistive?  I think this is something you need to sit down and talk through and compromise on.  Maybe agree to go to the cottage for one day but not spend the night.  For every weekend that you have some activity he needs to go to agree to spend the next one snuggled on the couch.  Pick the events you're more comfortable going to alone and compromise that he doesn't have to go to those.  Something like that....
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes it's definitely something I knew about him from the beginning and I'm more of a homebody too. We spend most of our weekends doing things together or at home and from my OP it probably sounds like we go to a lot more events then we actually do- it's just been a busier than normal summer. So when we do get invited to do things with my friends I like to say yes since it isn't an every weekend type of deal. </div><div>
</div><div>I think with the wedding getting so close we've been personally busier than we normally are (even so I've done most of the planning - with his blessing) so I think that's part of what is making him so resistant to everything, but it definitely doesn't make it any less frustrating. </div>

Avion22

Your husband sounds like my first husband....he just couldn't understand why I didn't like spending time with his druggie friends, when I could legitimately lose my job if the cops came by, or if I got randomy drug tested at work (which happens to me mayb 4-5 times per year, due to my job).   "Why don't you like my friends?"  "Uh, I don't dislike them, I just can't be around people while they are doing drugs, so if they are doing drugs, then I have to leave."   "But why dont you like them????"  Sheesh.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-am-i-wrong-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa3b6057-ba24-418a-8ce4-32d6465cf0e6Post:e21530de-9e95-48cf-9441-e17f3eb6d7e4">Re: NWR Am I wrong? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR Am I wrong? (Long) : Yes it's definitely something I knew about him from the beginning and I'm more of a homebody too. We spend most of our weekends doing things together or at home and from my OP it probably sounds like we go to a lot more events then we actually do- it's just been a busier than normal summer. So when we do get invited to do things with my friends I like to say yes since it isn't an every weekend type of deal.  I think with the wedding getting so close we've been personally busier than we normally are (even so I've done most of the planning - with his blessing) so I think that's part of what is making him so resistant to everything, but it definitely doesn't make it any less frustrating. 
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

I feel for you on this.  H and I are both kind of homebodies, and because of that I don't frequently go out after work because I'd rather go home to my husband than go out drinking with my colleagues.  That means we we get invited to a family-friendly BBQ or other event by colleagues I like to make sure we go and he understands that and supports it and will go with me. I'd have a really hard time with him behaving the way your FI is with the sulking when we do go out.   I like the suggestion PP made about agreeing before hand when you want to leave; we do that occassionally if it's an event one of us isn't particularly looking forward to.

achiduck

@Avion - Lol, well his immediate circle of friends aren't druggies but some friends of friends that show up at the party are and since his friends would do pot in high school from time to time they all seem to want to "relive the memories." But ya, watching people get high when you're not is just dumb plus it smells bad. By 11 or 12 I feel like I've put in a good amount of time with his friends and I'm not "bailing" on them. 

@Kate - I agree. I'm going to try talking to him later when we've both cooled down about how important it is to me to go to certain events and what time I feel is "ok" to leave and how we can make it more fun for him. 

MJheartsWeddings

My fiance hates going out or going anywhere.  He is just antisocial... For a long time this bothered me, but then I realized I need to accept the good with the bad no matter how annoying it may be. Does is get old having to go everywhere alone and explain to people that fiance is home? Yes.. But overtime I have gotten used to it and almost prefer it.  I can have fun without worrying that I am ignoring him and that he isn't having a good time. 

APDSS22

OP you must be my FI twin.  (Not really with the drugs, but everything else sounds oh-so-familiar.)  My FI would do the EXACT same thing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not social either so I understand not wanting to go out ALL the time.   He doesn't like to dance, so we established a "one or two slow dances a night" rule that depended on how long we'd be there and I could comfortably spend the rest of the time with him at a table or dancing with friends and he wouldn't feel pressured to dance.

But with our friends, we'd go hang out for like 2 hours and he'd get bored, or tired, or a headache.  I told him I didn't mind going home early occasionally, but I'd like to spend a little bit more time with our friends since we don't go out very often.  We started establishing a basic time that we'd go home so I could get to sleep before I had to wake up for work and he wouldn't be cranky at me.  We're still leaving earlier than everyone else, but I don't have him draining my enjoyment whilst we're out and he knows that if he is uncomfortable, it's not for too much longer.

Lisa50

No, I do not think it is unreasonable you expect your fiance to go with you to important events.  And, once there, I definitely think it is rude of him to constantly (really? or just a couple of times?) ask when he can leave. 

My husband goes with me to events with my friends and family. I go with him to his family events (4 hrs away).  The only time he's stayed home was 3 days after he had foot surgery.  When we were engaged, we were both invited to family weddings (invitations included both of us) on the same weekend.  He went to his niece's wedding solo; I went to my cousin's wedding solo.

Normal is what's right for the two of you.  One path to resolution might be to decide, together, how long you'll stay at an event before you leave home.  Another thing to come up with an agreement on how often he'll attend events with you -- once every three months, or 1/2 the events you plan to attend. Plus, you may want to decide, together, exactly what constitutes an "important" event.

wrigleyville

My FI is an extreme introvert and often feels overwhelmed around a group of people, even if he knows them and likes them. It used to bother me at first, but then I got used to it. After a while, we developed some guidelines, and it's been pretty peachy ever since.

If I know something is coming up, I tell him immediately so he can write it in his date book. If he notices we're going to be super busy in the coming weeks, he chooses a few things to attend and then stays home for the others. Everyone in our circle knows and understands his personality, so there are no hard feelings.

Another example: my friend's birthday was an all-day thing. We met for brunch before going to the beach, and then after the beach we went out to dinner before going to her place for poker. If FI hadn't known the plan for the day, he would have felt "trapped" all day and gotten headache-y and grumpy. (Not outwardly; I can always tell because he gets super quiet and bites his lip.) Since FI knew the plan, though, he decided to come out for dinner and poker instead of spending all day with everyone. It was a good compromise, and everyone was happy to see him.

For other things, we've taken two cars so he can leave if he starts to feel anxious/bored. I never mind if he leaves early because at least he made the effort to come out and be social.

The big trick is to make sure he's always aware of what the plan is, how many people are going to be there, and coming up with a signal that it's time to leave (if we don't take two cars). It's just his personality, and I don't resent him for it now that I understand it better and know how to work with it.

I don't think you're wrong, but neither is he. I would suggest working on some compromises, though, so that you're both on the same page when it comes to social events. 

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-am-i-wrong-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa3b6057-ba24-418a-8ce4-32d6465cf0e6Post:a8796b26-a6b5-4c87-9cdb-0de4625b575b">Re: NWR Am I wrong? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I do not think it is unreasonable you expect your fiance to go with you to important events.  And, once there, I definitely think it is rude of him to constantly (really? or just a couple of times?) ask when he can leave.  
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]
It's not every 10 minutes but he'll ask several times in a hour (at like 9 pm at a wedding) and eventually I just get so annoyed with the asking that I'll agree to leave just so I don't have to listen to it anymore.<div>
</div><div>Thanks for your suggestions :)</div>

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-am-i-wrong-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa3b6057-ba24-418a-8ce4-32d6465cf0e6Post:ad81b972-c557-4b5a-96e7-f31fb1c8440f">Re: NWR Am I wrong? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR Am I wrong? (Long) : It's not every 10 minutes but he'll ask several times in a hour (at like 9 pm at a wedding) and eventually I just get so annoyed with the asking that I'll agree to leave just so I don't have to listen to it anymore. Thanks for your suggestions :)
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

(((HUGS))) Bummer!  I am so sorry he's making your time at these events miserable.  I'm sure there's a solution.  I wish you all the best.

mkrupar

H doesn't like to go out, so I will go to smaller colleague events by myself, but he'll attend our company picnic and holiday party because he knows it will make me happy if he comes. I don't make him dance. He hates it, but I don't let it ruin my evening. We also generally talk about what time we plan on leaving, or how long we plan to be there. 

I think you're both being a little unreasonable on both your parts. You shouldn't expect him to go everywhere with you, nor should you expect him to be thrilled about it every time he goes. He also should know that there are certain times he needs to attend an event and he should go and try and be as pleasant as possible. 

I think Wrigley has some of the best advice in this thread, and I would really try and implement some of her strategies into your plans with H.

For example, drive separately to the weekend thing, so he can go for just a few hours on one day while you spend the whole weekend. 

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-am-i-wrong-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa3b6057-ba24-418a-8ce4-32d6465cf0e6Post:d74e6783-579b-42a7-b1df-2c11a85c8a72">Re:NWR Am I wrong? Long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR Am I wrong? Long: How do you answer when he asks? I know with me, when I ask H about leaving and he says "we'll leave soon" or "just a little bit longer" it drives me batty because that's a placation, not a real answer. It feels dismissive to me. If he says "can we stay until 10?" or something similar that gives me a concrete timeline, I don't ask again until we get to that point.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I also give a time but he still continues to ask. I generally don't like to leave weddings before 10 or 11 (they usually go to 12 or 1 in my area) unless it's really boring.