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Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)

Some of you  might remember a couple of my posts a few weeks ago, about FI's brother and his wife: 1. Wife TELLING me that they would be RSVPing for her parents... who we've never met to come to our wedding and 2. A really rude move towards FMIL at Christmas. (link and link).

Well since FI's brother is a groomsmen, we emailed him asking if he could send us his tux/suit measurements this month so we could get all the suit rentals done so it's all ready to go when he gets here (they live in Ontario). I got a reply back from his wife stating "Hey sorry it took so long to get back to you. I really doubt we will be able to make it out there. I wish we could but I don't even think just <BIL name here /> would be able to make it out there." No explanation or anything, which I thought was odd, but maybe they'd rather not say. FI was understandably upset that his brother wouldn't make it. I replied that that was unfortunate, that we would miss them that day and that we would still send them an invite for a keepsake, and to let us know if anything changes.

I'm on the phone with my mother tonight, and I filled her in on this, and she tells me that FI needs to find a new groomsmen. I was like um... no, that's rude, we'll just have uneven sides, we're both ok with that. She flipped out, said that it was a traditional wedding and having 1 groomsmen escort 2 bridesmaids was in bad taste. I told her it was in worse taste to replace FI's brother with someone else, and FI didn't want to replace him. She didn't think this was acceptable at all, and told me I was being rude because apparently her and my dad had the same thing happen and replaced that groomsmen. Well good for you Mom, but just because you used poor etiquette, doesn't mean I have to! She actually ended up hanging up on me when I calmly tried to explain to her why it was rude to replace someone in your bridal party... *sigh*...
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Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)

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    Your mom sounds like a lot of brides that come on here defending their choices. Usually it's the brides who did a HM registry. It would probably be best if you stopped engaging your mom in your decisions. You don't want to lose your sanity over this lol.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:8502f986-2b6c-4111-a732-3c73f0b9836d">Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some of you  might remember a couple of my posts a few weeks ago, about FI's brother and his wife: 1. Wife TELLING me that they would be RSVPing for her parents... who we've never met to come to our wedding and 2. A really rude move towards FMIL at Christmas. ( link and link ). Well since FI's brother is a groomsmen, we emailed him asking if he could send us his tux/suit measurements this month so we could get all the suit rentals done so it's all ready to go when he gets here (they live in Ontario). I got a reply back from his wife stating "Hey sorry it took so long to get back to you. I really doubt we will be able to make it out there. I wish we could but I don't even think just <BIL name here /> would be able to make it out there." No explanation or anything, which I thought was odd, but maybe they'd rather not say. FI was understandably upset that his brother wouldn't make it. I replied that that was unfortunate, that we would miss them that day and that we would still send them an invite for a keepsake, and to let us know if anything changes. I'm on the phone with my mother tonight, and I filled her in on this, and she tells me that FI needs to find a new groomsmen. I was like um... no, that's rude, we'll just have uneven sides, we're both ok with that.<strong> She flipped out, said that it was a traditional wedding and having 1 groomsmen escort 2 bridesmaids was in bad taste. </strong>I told her it was in worse taste to replace FI's brother with someone else, and FI didn't want to replace him. She didn't think this was acceptable at all, and told me I was being rude because apparently her and my dad had the same thing happen and replaced that groomsmen. Well good for you Mom, but just because you used poor etiquette, doesn't mean I have to! She actually ended up hanging up on me when I calmly tried to explain to her why it was rude to replace someone in your bridal party... *sigh*...
    Posted by yellowrose314[/QUOTE]

    That's SO weird.  What is it with people and the even sides?  I don't even get it from a "traditional" perspective.  There's nothing in any tradition that says that the sides must be even.

    And what if the bridal party members just walk down *gasp* by themselves?  *clutches pearls*

    Sorry you're having to deal with all this mess!

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    I might be forgetting your previous post, but just curious, did your FI's brother already agree to be a GM?  How disappointing for your FI that he can't come, and that he didn't call and tell his brother that himself. 

    Your mom is being weird, too.  I agree with PP....try not to engage in conversation with her about it (easier said than done, I know).

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    I think weddings just make MOBs a little nuts. I got a major mom guilt trip last week b'c she's feeling left out of the planning process. I reassured her that FI and I have been doing all the planning and it's not like we've been having secret wedding meetings with my stepmother and FMIL. I'm just crazy busy right now, so I'm fitting in planning whenever I can. I also feel like FI should be involved more than anyone else, after all it's both of our weddings! This is why I drink!

     

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    Awwww, sorry your mom is being so defensive. You're doing the right thing. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Tami87Tami87 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2013
    When one of my bridesmaids ended up not being able to make it FMIL's first reaction was well who are you going to pick to replace her. Thankfully she came around and realized it wasn't really that big of a deal to just leave the sides uneven. I hope your mom will learn to let it go with time too.

    I agree weddings make mom's go a little nuts. My mom got all hung up on picking a dress color and was annoyed that FMIL wore the same color as the bridesmaids. I had to keep telling her, FMIL can wear whatever color she wants and so can you, it will be fine.

    Edited to add: I guess I should call her my MIL now not FMIL, whops!
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    Your doing the right thing. I'm sorry you and your mom are having a misunderstanding about this. 
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    You didn't know before hand this time, but in the future I'd suggest you avoid telling your mother she did something rude at her wedding. Even if she could normally see the proper etiquette, she's going to defend her decisions in this situation. 

    Just say "we've made our decision, thanks" and change the subject.
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    Sigh. Cyberhugs OP.

    Sadly, it happens often. My MIL and my mom were mortified because I had uneven sides. My MIL even said "So and So's pictures are going to be so ugly because the bridesmaids are different sizes, she was supposed to pick people that were either all skinny or all big and the same height" my jaw dropped. MIL and I are close so I just smiled and explained to her that they're not props, they're supposed to be your closest friends but she pulled the "bean dip" conversation on me because she didn't agree.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:d2fc6376-8079-4306-b5df-d2d3a48ee761">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sigh. Cyberhugs OP. Sadly, it happens often. My MIL and my mom were mortified because I had uneven sides. <strong>My MIL even said "So and So's pictures are going to be so ugly because the bridesmaids are different sizes, she was supposed to pick people that were either all skinny or all big and the same height" my jaw dropped.</strong> MIL and I are close so I just smiled and explained to her that they're not props, they're supposed to be your closest friends but she pulled the "bean dip" conversation on me because she didn't agree.
    Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

    <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" />

    Because that's what you want when looking through your wedding album, "Aww, look, this bridal party photo looks so beautiful... but who are these people?"

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:e0d960ee-175a-4dda-b663-e72ddb001400">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...) : Because that's what you want when looking through your wedding album, "Aww, look, this bridal party photo looks so beautiful... but who are these people?"
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]
    This was the case in my SIL's wedding. She only had me in her BP (I declined because I was pregnant and couldn't have my dress made). My SIL has 5 brothers all who were made groomsmen (I know double whammy) so she was then "forced" to include random girls to make the BP even.

    I mean she knows the girls but they're not her friends. One of them was a cousin and the others were the brothers gf/friends. It was just all really awkward because the girls didn't even KNOW her. The pictures are so posed and not unique at all.

    And now I'm just being judgy but I had to share this horrible story. To make matter's worse, my MIL thinks THIS is the correct way to do things. sigh.
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    lovefuzzieslovefuzzies member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:8502f986-2b6c-4111-a732-3c73f0b9836d">Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some of you  might remember a couple of my posts a few weeks ago, about FI's brother and his wife: 1. Wife TELLING me that they would be RSVPing for her parents... who we've never met to come to our wedding and 2. A really rude move towards FMIL at Christmas. ( link and link ). Well since FI's brother is a groomsmen, we emailed him asking if he could send us his tux/suit measurements this month so we could get all the suit rentals done so it's all ready to go when he gets here (they live in Ontario). I got a reply back from his wife stating "Hey sorry it took so long to get back to you. I really doubt we will be able to make it out there. I wish we could but I don't even think just <BIL name here /> would be able to make it out there." No explanation or anything, which I thought was odd, but maybe they'd rather not say. FI was understandably upset that his brother wouldn't make it. I replied that that was unfortunate, that we would miss them that day and that we would still send them an invite for a keepsake, and to let us know if anything changes. I'm on the phone with my mother tonight, and I filled her in on this, and she tells me that FI needs to find a new groomsmen. I was like um... no, that's rude, we'll just have uneven sides, we're both ok with that. She flipped out, said that it was a traditional wedding and having 1 groomsmen escort 2 bridesmaids was in bad taste. I told her it was in worse taste to replace FI's brother with someone else, and FI didn't want to replace him. She didn't think this was acceptable at all, and told me I was being rude because apparently her and my dad had the same thing happen and replaced that groomsmen. Well good for you Mom, but just because you used poor etiquette, doesn't mean I have to! She actually ended up hanging up on me when I calmly tried to explain to her why it was rude to replace someone in your bridal party... *sigh*...
    Posted by yellowrose314[/QUOTE]


    Sorry to hear your mom freaked out like that.  I can totally relate on this.  Ever since I started lurking on TK and told my mom I wasn't doing this or that because it was considered to be against etiquette she's started calling me a snob, snooty, high and mighty, etc. etc.  I've been told I shouldn't be spending so much on food because cake and punch at meal time are fine, I should be having a cash bar if people want to drink (which she doesn't think is really necessary anyway, except that it's the one thing FI really wants), and that all I'm doing is trying to keep up with the Jones'.  Even after I stopped sharing wedding stuff with her she keeps trying to poke at me by asking how the snobby website is and saying she can't wait for the wedding to be over so that I will return to my down-to-earth-self.

    Sigh.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:d2fc6376-8079-4306-b5df-d2d3a48ee761">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sigh. Cyberhugs OP. Sadly, it happens often. My MIL and my mom were mortified because I had uneven sides. My MIL even said<strong> "So and So's pictures are going to be so ugly because the bridesmaids are different sizes, she was supposed to pick people that were either all skinny or all big and the same height"</strong> my jaw dropped. MIL and I are close so I just smiled and explained to her that they're not props, they're supposed to be your closest friends but she pulled the "bean dip" conversation on me because she didn't agree.
    Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

    Jee.  Zus.  Christ.
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    Thanks so much for the support everyone. Usually my mom is pretty laid back, I was honestly quite shocked that she got so mad about it. In related news, my FMIL called last night and when the no show brother topic came up she was pretty shocked. And then FI decided to email his brother directly to his work email that he always checks saying that he understood if brother couldn't come, he was disappointed but he understood. Gets a reply back right away, apparently this was news to the brother that they weren't coming!! His lovely wife didn't even mention that I had emailed them to their family email which apparently he never checks. So looks like the wife is trying to pull something. Pretty shady if you ask me, though at this point I'm not surprised. She's probably embarrassed to show her face to her husbands family after what she pulled at Christmas.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:1e406d5a-6bc7-4baf-ab98-01b781596c99">Re:Mom mad at me for following etiquette more of a vent...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks so much for the support everyone. Usually my mom is pretty laid back, I was honestly quite shocked that she got so mad about it. In related news, my FMIL called last night and when the no show brother topic came up she was pretty shocked. And then FI decided to email his brother directly to his work email that he always checks saying that he understood if brother couldn't come, he was disappointed but he understood. Gets a reply back right away, apparently this was news to the brother that they weren't coming!! His lovely wife didn't even mention that I had emailed them to their family email which apparently he never checks. So looks like the wife is trying to pull something. Pretty shady if you ask me, though at this point I'm not surprised. She's probably embarrassed to show her face to her husbands family after what she pulled at Christmas.
    Posted by yellowrose314[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>OOHH EMMM GEE! WHAT AN AWFUL WOMAN MAKING DECISIONS LIKE THAT BEHIND HER HUSBANDS BACK!!! I think my FI and i have the OPPOSITE problem, im always making plans for us to attend things without consulting him! oops!  :D </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:1e406d5a-6bc7-4baf-ab98-01b781596c99">Re:Mom mad at me for following etiquette more of a vent...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks so much for the support everyone. Usually my mom is pretty laid back, I was honestly quite shocked that she got so mad about it. In related news, my FMIL called last night and when the no show brother topic came up she was pretty shocked. And then FI decided to email his brother directly to his work email that he always checks saying that he understood if brother couldn't come, he was disappointed but he understood. Gets a reply back right away, apparently this was news to the brother that they weren't coming!! His lovely wife didn't even mention that I had emailed them to their family email which apparently he never checks. So looks like the wife is trying to pull something. Pretty shady if you ask me, though at this point I'm not surprised. She's probably embarrassed to show her face to her husbands family after what she pulled at Christmas.
    Posted by yellowrose314[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>WOW!! Your FSIL sounds like she is bunches of fun. 

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:27ceef26-ae21-4cbe-9165-00fb58bfbd28">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...) : That's SO weird.  What is it with people and the even sides?  I don't even get it from a "traditional" perspective.  There's nothing in any tradition that says that the sides must be even. And what if the bridal party members just walk down *gasp* by themselves?  *clutches pearls* Sorry you're having to deal with all this mess!
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

    For me I need the even sides because both my Fi and I are major OCD. The pics and everything would bug us if the sides/lines were not the same.

    I agree though that her mom is being totally rude!!
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    mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:f1aad6d2-504d-4085-a65a-849978ea158f">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...) : For me I need the even sides because both my Fi and I are major <strong>OCD</strong>. The pics and everything would bug us if the sides/lines were not the same. I agree though that her mom is being totally rude!!
    Posted by CLI242009[/QUOTE]
    Have you been diagnosed with O<strong>b</strong>sessive Compulsive Disorder?

    If not, then it's very rude of you to say this. Even sides are crap and I don't care how anal you are about uniformity. Your friends are not props and shouldn't be treated as such. Let me guess; if one of them dropped out; you would quickly replace them with another "friend" ugh. You should lurk a little.

    Edit: Corrected Typo
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    First of all, I read your two previous posts. Your FSIL wanted to invite her parents to your wedding but wouldnt invite her MIL to Christmas?? She sounds a little bit insane!

    Second of all, I believe your FBIL should be contacting you about not being able to make it, not her!

    Lastly, I would give your mom some time to cool off. Then explain to her that if you ask anyone to replace a groomsman, they would feel like a replacement and just a back up plan. Hopefully she will eventually come around to the idea.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:f1aad6d2-504d-4085-a65a-849978ea158f">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...) : For me I need the even sides because both my Fi and I are major OCD. The pics and everything would bug us if the sides/lines were not the same. I agree though that her mom is being totally rude!!
    Posted by CLI242009[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>People aren't OCD, they<strong> HAVE</strong> OCD.  It is not an adjective and it is very offensive to use it as such.  

    </div>
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    CLI242009CLI242009 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Answer Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:e4e0d6b4-2b55-4e14-bea6-0fe79deb3a22">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...) : Have you been diagnosed with O b sessive Compulsive Disorder? If not, then it's very rude of you to say this. Even sides are crap and I don't care how anal you are about uniformity. Your friends are not props and shouldn't be treated as such. Let me guess; if one of them dropped out; you would quickly replace them with another "friend" ugh. You should lurk a little. Edit: Corrected Typo
    Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

    I never said my friends were props. I was just saying that I would not be happy with my pics if the sides were not even, I wouldn't be able to look at my pics (the group shots) without feeling some kind of annoyance or it NOT bugging me that the sides/lines are not even. My FI is the same way too. I have tried to ignore this before but I can't. I end up not happy and it bugging me. *shrugs* Just the way I am. Nothing wrong with that.

    Everyone in our bridal party is either family or friends who have been part of our lives since elementary school. I would not just simply replace them thank you very much. I would have to come up with some kind of solution because I wouldn't be okay with my wedding group photos if the guys and gals were not even. Like I said this would bug both of us.


    Also about not using the proper usage of OCD. I am sorry for that. I am not an English teacher nor do I constantly study my grammar. I am used to people saying it the way I stated and never questioned if it was the correct way to use the word.

    I was just stating why some people might want the even lines.  I was just stating my opinion on something, I didn't know I was doing anything wrong.
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    FancypantsamyFancypantsamy member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-mad-at-me-for-following-etiquette-more-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa419ebc-8522-44f9-86a5-5833c89f6542Post:29ca4a4c-d84f-4a72-9ddc-dbc511cba39c">Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>In Response to Re: Mom mad at me for following etiquette (more of a vent...) : I never said my friends were props. I was just saying that I would not be happy with my pics if the sides were not even, I wouldn't be able to look at my pics (the group shots) without feeling some kind of annoyance or it NOT bugging me that the sides/lines are not even.</strong> This is the stupidest thing to get upset over. Marriage is going to be a real picnic for you if you can't handle your pictures not being centered.<div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>My FI is the same way too. </strong><strong>I have tried to ignore this before but I can't. I end up not happy and it bugging me.</strong><strong> *shrugs* Just the way I am. Nothing wrong with that. </strong>Keep telling yourself that. But I'm glad you can validate your behavior with the fact that your FI is equally as shallow as you. </div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>Everyone in our bridal party is either family or friends who have been part of our lives since elementary school. I would not just simply replace them thank you very much. I would have to come up with some kind of solution because I wouldn't be okay with my wedding group photos if the guys and gals were not even.</strong></div><div>So instead of replacing someone you'd kick someone out? Because that's the only other option. I'm glad your pictures are more important than people. </div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>Like I said this would bug both of us. Also about not using the proper usage of OCD. I am sorry for that. I am not an English teacher nor do I constantly study my grammar.</strong></div><div>It's not grammar, it's just using a term correctly instead of spouting verbal diarrhea when you don't know what you're talking about.</div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>I am used to people saying it the way I stated and never questioned if it was the correct way to use the word. I was just stating why some people might want the even lines.  I was just stating my opinion on something, I didn't know I was doing anything wrong.</strong></div><div>Well it's very offensive to people who actually suffer from the affliction, so yes you were doing something wrong. But now you know so you can correct that in the future.  </div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div>Posted by CLI242009[/QUOTE]

    </div>
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