Best man is Gay, Boyfriend of Bridesmaid Homophobic

kat5689

Hello,

I am deligted that my fiance's best friend will be best man in our wedding. This person happens to be gay.  Come to find out (recently) that one of my bridesmaids has a homophobic boyfriend.  I do not want the best man's feelings hurt and would probably go ballistic on anyone who said anything to him about being gay at our wedding.  I have not informed the rest of the guests that there will be a gay couple attending (I am  planning to invite the best man's boyfriend as well), becuase I do not think it is necissary to spread their personal business around.  I do not want to ask my bridesmaid to step down because of her boyfriend's bad behavior so I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place.  I also have family members who are born again Christians and may get offended by this gay couple, but my view is if they don't like it they can leave. Any advice on how to minimize friction?

tenofcups4me

"Friend -- best man is gay. Obviously you know how important he is to FI since he's the best man. I assume your boyfriend will be polite and courteous to him. If he doesn't think he can do that, then I hope he chooses to stay home because I WILL go ballistic on him if I hear that he said anything remotely offensive to best man." Or something like that...

ETA: I wouldn't say anything to family. They'll see that he's gay or they won't, but in either case, even if they do happen to have an issue with it, I can't imagine anyone remotely polite would do or say anything (and I do know very Christian people who don't appear to have any problem with gay people). I would only bring it up to your friend since it sounds like the boyfriend has a history of saying/doing inappropriate things in that kind of scenario.

RMacQueen

If you don't point it out to people as a big deal then it won't be. My FI's Best man is gay as well and the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Are you sure you're not the one with the problem?

RMacQueen

Let me rephrase...

I don't think you are homophobic, what I'm wondering is if you think it's a problem that people will care. I think that your family and friends should have enough respect for you to not make a big deal out of your friends sexuality on the big day. If you bring attention it that might make the situation worse.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My dad isn't exactly gay friendly and there were TONS of gay people of both genders at my wedding, including one of our GMs. My advice is: just assume the homophobes won't be assholes.

MegaMultitasker

I think you're right not to "warn" or give relatives a head's up about a gay couple being at your wedding. You can't hold yourself responsible for other people's prejudice.  Hopefully they are mature enough to keep their feelings to themselves and treat him just like any other person.  The best man may be bringing his date, but doesn't feel like have his sexuality being announced to everyone, that's his choice to bring it up in conversation some people are private about that. 

If you are concerned that they will be hostile or negative towards him, maybe talk to your FI first to see how to best handle, but maybe warn the best man he may some issues at the reception.  My guess, (unfortunately) is that he's dealt with less than tolerant people before and knows how he wishes to handle it.  If your goal is to make him feel comfortable and welcome, let him tell you what you can do to help the situation.  Maybe he knows how to handle the confrontation and doesn't need anyone to intervene.  But ultimately, warn him some way so he's prepared for it and not caught off guard.

Your BM is not being disrespectful, so I wouldn't punish her for her boyfriend's homophobia.  (Maybe she'll dump the jerk by then hah). If you think he can't keep comments to himself (especially after a few drinks), maybe ask her to have a talk with him and tell him to check his issues at the door.  You can't control what happens when he's there, but if he gets entirely out of line, ask him to leave.

Beachy730

Ditto PPs.  Hopefully people can be mature enough to act appropriately throughout the night.  And if your BM does happen to say anything about it I would say something like what tenofcups said. 

kat5689

Thanks guys.  I just needed a little reassurance on this one   P.S. I hope she does dump the boyfriend

squirrly

No need to warn anybody in my view.  If you REALLY think it could be an issue, I'd give you the same suggestion as anybody else who might have problem guests - hire security.  They can escort anyone with a 'tude out.  Just having security can be a deterrent to bad behavior.  If you do have them, I'd let the security guy know what to be on the lookout for, but that's the only warning I'd give.

kat5689

The best man could totally take the jerk boyfriend, lol.

squirrly

Yeah, but you don't want that showdown.  It's better if the security guy steps in, pulls the boyfriend aside and tells him to shut it or get out. 

kat5689

I know.  I will think about hiring someone, I was just being cheeky

tenofcups4me

I don't know -- I still it's a lot easier, clearer, and cheaper to give the asshole boyfriend some sort of warning than to hire a security guard. That seems like  an over-the-top initial response.  

katiewhompus

If it makes you feel any better we had a gay couple and a transgender (in the middle of a long physical transformation) at my wedding and it went off great. As long as the isn't making out at the table next to the touchy people you should be fine.

Beachy730

OP- to be safe I wouldn't sit the BM's BF with the Best Man, or anyone else that you think "might" be offended.  And for whats it worth, one of my aunts is gay and brought her long-time partner with her to the wedding.  She introduced her as "my friend" to people, but everyone knew they were dating.  We had a few very religious people at our wedding who think homosexuality is horrible, but there wasn't a single problem or thing said at the wedding.  Were things said behind closed doors when they left the wedding?  I wouldn't doubt it, but they were adults and acted appropriately.

kaesha

I wouldn't say anything... not unless you're going to warn the couple that there will be a lot of straight couples in attendance. Fundamentally speaking, this should be a non-issue.

mm133123

Wow this is 2010, so scary.  I'd tell the homophobe to stay home, theres no room for hate on such a joyous beautiful day.  You shouldn't have to worry about him going ballistic on your day.  Good luck.

SarahNicole80

I feel ya on this one. My fiance's dad is gay. Most of my family and friends know this and no one has said a word. There will be many gay couples at our wedding, as well as conservative Christian family and friends. I understand that there is room for concern, but I finally had to just make the decision that if someone was uncomfortable at my wedding because there are gay couples there, then they are free to leave. I think it is up to the BM to keep her man in check. It will reflect badly on her, not you.

kellya01

If a requirement to be part of your WP is to be a perfect Christian without sin... well, there is NO ONE that can fulfill that request.  If you want the guy to be part of your WP (and it sounds like you do), let all of the rest of the non-drama go.  If someone has issues with someone else's sexual preference, they are free to request to be seated at a different table, and are free to go to the party and NOT socialize with that person.  

I am a born-again Christian, and my final thought is this: while I hold certain beliefs close to my heart, and so do some of my family members, we do not all feel the same way on certain issues.  That doesn't mean that when my uncle "came out" and divorced my aunt that we shunned him ... he is flesh and blood and we accepted him for who he IS.  It is not our place to tell someone else how they should live and certainly not our place to tell someone else what type of sexual preference they should have.  Within a church family, with fellow church members, THAT is the only place that Christians have the right to call their brothers and sisters in Christ to the carpet ---- the prerequisite being that the person being called to the carpet believes the same things and you're just helping them to realize what they're doing.

That got long.  I hope you don't have this view of ALL Christians with reference to homosexuality.  God says to love one another, and I do my best to do just that.  I'm not perfect either.  

ootmother2

Homophobics are very 80s.  Put that on your program

GL

sessionswedding

I am inviting my lesbian cousin, her life partner, and their 3 sons to my wedding.  Which will be in a Baptist church.  And I'm a pretty hardcore Christian.  So yeah, sometimes it feels a little unfair to assume that Christian = gay-hater.  I know that wasn't your intent, but I get that all the time.  And most Christians realize that Christ came to love and not to judge (um, He actually SAID that in fact...) and that you don't win people over to your side by telling them how fast they're going to Hell when they die.  I don't think you'll have a problem.

Soon2BMrsClay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-gay-boyfriend-of-bridesmaid-homophobic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fa50a775-f285-4674-ada4-1350d078fa58Post:044a357b-23a0-4fe6-8639-7cdfbd9b87b9">Re: Best man is Gay, Boyfriend of Bridesmaid Homophobic</a>:
[QUOTE]. My advice is: just assume the homophobes won't be assholes.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree!

</div>

NuggetBrain

Exactly how homophobic is homophobic?  Because I have known some of those people, and their behaviour has ranged from the "I am going to keep well away from them and act like I don't know they're here otherwise I might catch The Gay" which, to me, isn't a problem.  But there was also one who would make loud comments and verbally bash those he thought were gay (personally, I thought it was a little bit of "thou dost protest too much") and if he's THAT kind of homophobic, I definately agree with tencups that you need to have a chit-chat with your bridesmaid before the ceremony.  Being uncomfortable or even afraid around gays is completely different than being actively antagonistic towards them.