Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?

karla&andre

Hi ladies,

thing is, I am not really fond of my friend's BF whom she's been dating for more than a year. He's neither interested in us being friends (I've only seen him twice in more than a year, my fiancé doesn't know him at all) nor do I have the wish of having him among our wedding party. 

I mean I'm not forcing anyone to be friends with us, but this kind of disinterest is really rude.

Honestly I'd rather not invite him, but that would certainly hurt her and only cause more trouble, right? 

I just don't know what to do about that. We are inviting all of your guests including their partner if it's a "serious" relationship, but I really have a problem with this one! 

She and I, we had some serious talks about it but I don't want to be that newly engaged-about to be a wife-person who gives unwanted advice about relationships, either... it's a really akward situation...

misshart00

In Response to Re:Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?:[QUOTE]Hi ladies,thing is, I am not really fond of my friend's BF whom she's been dating for more than a year. He's neither interested in us being friends I've only seen him twice in more than a year, my fianceacute; doesn't know him at all nor do I have the wish of having him among our wedding party.nbsp;I mean I'm not forcing anyone to be friends with us, but this kind of disinterest is really rude.Honestly I'd rather not invite him, but that would certainly hurt her and only cause more trouble, right?nbsp;I just don't know what to do about that. We are inviting all of your guests including their partner if it's a "serious" relationship, but I really have a problem with this one!nbsp;She and I, we had some serious talks about it but I don't want to be that newly engagedabout to be a wifeperson who gives unwanted advice about relationships, either... it's a really akward situation... Posted by karlaandre[/QUOTE]

Invite him. He may choose not to come, but then you're being the bigger person.

And you really need to invite all SOs, regardless of seriousness.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:4cd0c7f5-0d0d-4e2f-bf84-6bfbc6c4ccd9">Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]  <strong>She and I, we had some serious talks about it but I don't want to be that newly engaged-about to be a wife-person who gives unwanted advice about relationships, either... it's a really akward situation</strong>...
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]

What does that even mean?   Somehow because you are engaged your are wiser about relationships?  Please.

Yes, you have invite the BF.  

Kate61487

yes, you have to invite him.  And all other bf/gfs regardless of how "serious" you think they are.  Presuming she's a BM (or why would you mention the WP?) he also needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. 

daveANDkristen

Another vote for invite the boyfriend.  You will have so much going on on your wedding day, you will barely even notice him.  Believe me.  DH's BM is dating a girl that neither of us care for, but she was invited to both the RD and the wedding and everything was fine.  Be the bigger person.  Assuming he stays with your friend it will be awfully hard for him to warm up and get to know you if you exclude him.

rajahmd

Yes, you must invite all significant others (NOT JUST "SERIOUS" ONES).  It's incredibly hurtful to only invite half of a couple.  Trust me: someone did this to me last year, and it still stings.  Be the bigger person and invite them. 

JaxInBlue

Definitely invite the BF to the wedding, reception and rehearsal dinner if your friend is in your wedding party.  Also, invite the SOs of all of your guests.  It's not up to you to judge the seriousness of the relationship.  You'll be so busy on your wedding day that you won't notice if the BF is distant or not, and if you know your friend would be hurt to have him excluded, why not make her comfortable? 

And ditto lynda about being sure you don't try to project more knowledge about relationships because you are engaged or married.  The most you can do is speak truth to your experience - but recognize that she might need, want or be happy with something different.

NOLAbridealmost

Yeah, etiquette requires that all couples be invited together....this includes the BF you don't like. It sucks, but I assure you that you won't notice him at all on your wedding day. It's all a blur!

Maggie0829

You must invite all guests with their SOs no matter if you like them or not and no matter if their relationship meets your criteria for "serious".

renegade gaucho

How is his lack of interest rude?  He doesn't have to be close with you just because his girlfriend is.  Some people just aren't going to click with you.

LDubHawksFan

I really don't get how people can assume they can't invite BF/GFs because they don't like them or don't feel like they are "serious".  We were all there at some point in our own relationships, and you would have been hurt if someone excluded you because they didn't think you were "serious" enough, be it not meeting them before, or not having a ring on the finger. 

ladytori

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:4cd0c7f5-0d0d-4e2f-bf84-6bfbc6c4ccd9">Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies, thing is, I am not really fond of my friend's BF whom she's been dating for more than a year. He's neither interested in us being friends (I've only seen him twice in more than a year, my fiancé doesn't know him at all) nor do I have the wish of having him among our wedding party.  I mean I'm not forcing anyone to be friends with us, but this kind of disinterest is really rude. Honestly I'd rather not invite him, but that would certainly hurt her and only cause more trouble, right?  I just don't know what to do about that. We are inviting all of your guests including their partner if it's a "serious" relationship, but I really have a problem with this one!  She and I, we had some serious talks about it but I don't want to be that newly engaged-about to be a wife-person who gives unwanted advice about relationships, either... it's a really akward situation...
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]

A year and a half is a serious relationship. Invite him.

karla&andre

Hi, and thank you for your all your replies,

lyndausvi, to get that right, I am not saying that I told her to leave him or anything like that. I just know things about him she told me CRYING because he doesn't treat her well. They're constantly fighting. There'd be far more to say about that but not here. Of course I have a bad image of him now, but his behavior doesn't help to prove me wrong either. My fiancé came up with the idea of not inviting him.

lwoehlk, I see your point, we've been all there, but If it's an on-off-thing likr theirs I don't consider it a serious relationship, sorry. I mean we're not inviting our younger cousins' (16 and 17) GFs either. Would you?

I don't force him to be friends with me either, but I hope you can at least understand that we're ambivalent about him being at our wedding, among our family and closest friends, while he's literally avoiding me and my fiancé and making stupid remarks (just because he's divorced) about marriage in my presence. But I guess we'll have to invite him. It's up to him if he choses to come or not.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:49f11d44-81c4-4e24-849f-7b2e906526a2">Re: Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, and thank you for your all your replies, lyndausvi , to get that right, I am not saying that I told her to leave him or anything like that. I just know things about him she told me CRYING because he doesn't treat her well. They're constantly fighting. There'd be far more to say about that but not here. Of course I have a bad image of him now, but his behavior doesn't help to prove me wrong either. My fiancé came up with the idea of not inviting him. lwoehlk , I see your point, we've been all there, but <strong>If it's an on-off-thing likr theirs I don't consider it a serious relationship</strong>, sorry. I mean we're not inviting our younger cousins' (16 and 17) GFs either. Would you? I don't force him to be friends with me either, but I hope you can at least understand that we're ambivalent about him being at our wedding, among our family and closest friends, while he's literally avoiding me and my fiancé and making stupid remarks (just because he's divorced) about marriage in my presence. But I guess we'll have to invite him. It's up to him if he choses to come or not.
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing though: It's not your decision as to whether it is a serious relationship.

BMoreBride6

I apologize if not...this just feels a bit trolling to me...

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:49f11d44-81c4-4e24-849f-7b2e906526a2">Re: Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, and thank you for your all your replies, lyndausvi , to get that right, I am not saying that I told her to leave him or anything like that. I just know things about him she told me CRYING because he doesn't treat her well. They're constantly fighting. There'd be far more to say about that but not here. Of course I have a bad image of him now, but his behavior doesn't help to prove me wrong either. My fiancé came up with the idea of not inviting him. lwoehlk , I see your point, we've been all there<strong>, but If it's an on-off-thing likr theirs I don't consider it a serious relationship</strong>, sorry.<strong> I mean we're not inviting our younger cousins' (16 and 17) GFs either</strong>. Would you? I don't force him to be friends with me either, but I hope you can at least understand that we're ambivalent about him being at our wedding, among our family and closest friends, while he's literally avoiding me and my fiancé and making stupid remarks (just because he's divorced) about marriage in my presence. But I guess we'll have to invite him. It's up to him if he choses to come or not.
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]

Like GLB said, you cannot judge the seriousness of a relationship.  If they say that they are in a relationship then they are in a relationship.  Period.  It doesn't matter if you think it is an ideal situation or not, you need to invite everyone with their SOs.  Sorry.

As for the second bolded.  That really plays no part in any of this.  They are still minors and will be included on their parents invites.  If you have the room and budget to allow them to bring their GFs great, but it is not against etiquette to not allow your cousins who are minors to bring their GFs.  But it is against etiquette to split up an adult social unit.

AddieCake

Nobody in our social circle likes the girlfriend of one of my husband's best friends. Did we invite her to our wedding? Of course we did b/c not doing so would have ended that friendship for my husband. We even paid for her plane ticket to be there.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:49f11d44-81c4-4e24-849f-7b2e906526a2">Re: Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, and thank you for your all your replies, lyndausvi , to get that right, I am not saying that I told her to leave him or anything like that.<strong> I just know things about him she told me CRYING because he doesn't treat her well. They're constantly fighting. There'd be far more to say about that but not here. Of course I have a bad image of him now, but his behavior doesn't help to prove me wrong either.</strong> My fiancé came up with the idea of not inviting him. lwoehlk , I see your point, we've been all there, but If it's an on-off-thing likr theirs I don't consider it a serious relationship, sorry. I mean we're not inviting our younger cousins' (16 and 17) GFs either. Would you? I don't force him to be friends with me either, but I hope you can at least understand that we're ambivalent about him being at our wedding, among our family and closest friends, while he's literally avoiding me and my fiancé and making stupid remarks (just because he's divorced) about marriage in my presence. But I guess we'll have to invite him. It's up to him if he choses to come or not.
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I get where you are coming from, it's okay not to like a friend's BF, especially if she's complained to you about him before.  But all we are saying is that your wedding is NOT the place to pass judgement on this and etiquette dictates that you absolutely MUST invite him if SHE considers herself to be in a relationship.  So unless he's physically abusing her, has physically abused you or your FI, or is involved in any other serious crimes, you need to invite him.  Period.

</div>

AJuliaNJ

Yes, unfortunately you will need to invite him. Aside from the fact that etiquette dictates he gets an invite, your friend would be upset and would not have as good of a time. Just avoid him.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:49f11d44-81c4-4e24-849f-7b2e906526a2">Re: Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, and thank you for your all your replies, lyndausvi , to get that right, I am not saying that I told her to leave him or anything like that. I just know things about him she told me CRYING because he doesn't treat her well. They're constantly fighting. There'd be far more to say about that but not here. Of course I have a bad image of him now, but his behavior doesn't help to prove me wrong either. My fiancé came up with the idea of not inviting him. lwoehlk , I see your point, we've been all there, but If it's an on-off-thing likr theirs I don't consider it a serious relationship, sorry. I mean we're not inviting our younger cousins' (16 and 17) GFs either. Would you? I don't force him to be friends with me either, but I hope you can at least understand that we're ambivalent about him being at our wedding, among our family and closest friends, while he's literally avoiding me and my fiancé and making stupid remarks (just because he's divorced) about marriage in my presence. But I guess we'll have to invite him. It's up to him if he choses to come or not.
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]

But there is a difference between minors and grown adults.  I would not expect you invite the SOs of underage guests that are a part of their parent's invitation.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-always-have-to-invite-my-friends-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:facd2d62-3374-478b-8c42-2e23c1a0a71fPost:49f11d44-81c4-4e24-849f-7b2e906526a2">Re: Do I always have to invite my friend's BF?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, and thank you for your all your replies, lyndausvi , to get that right, I am not saying that I told her to leave him or anything like that.<strong> I just know things about him she told me CRYING because he doesn't treat her well. They're constantly fighting.</strong> There'd be far more to say about that but not here. Of course I have a bad image of him now, but his behavior doesn't help to prove me wrong either. My fiancé came up with the idea of not inviting him. lwoehlk , I see your point, we've been all there, <strong>but If it's an on-off-thing likr theirs I don't consider it a serious relationship,</strong> sorry. I mean we're not inviting our younger cousins' (16 and 17) GFs either. Would you? I don't force him to be friends with me either, but I hope you can at least understand that we're ambivalent about him being at our wedding, among our family and closest friends, while <strong>he's literally avoiding me and my fiancé and making stupid remarks (just because he's divorced) about marriage in my presence.</strong> But I guess we'll have to invite him. It's up to him if he choses to come or not.
Posted by karla&andre[/QUOTE]

You didn't say any of that in your OP.  You just said that he hadn't shown a whole lot of interest in being friends with you.

And even with this new information, you still need to invite both of them, although I can certainly understand why you would rather not.

lyndausvi

Look you don't have to invite him.  It's not like the police are going to come after you.

However, as a good friend it's pretty crappy of you not to invite him.   If  a friend of mine told me my DH was not invited somewhere he/she would not longer be my friend.  No only that, what kind of a GF would I be if I attended an event my BF was purposely excluded from?     Asking her to choose between you and supporting her BF, you are more than likely going to lose.  By not inviting him he will be right when he says her friends don't like him and are againist him.  Why in the world would you put her in that position? 

Pookieson

Invite him.  There is no way around it unless you want to be the immature jerk who couldn't suck it up for your friend.  She will obviousl be hurt if you don't invite him.  So, don't invite him and you can be happy and possible lose a friend...or you can invite him, make her happy and get on with your lives.