Differences of opinion

lauralynn83

I am getting married Dec 1, 2013.  The only problem we are having now is that my family thinks we are putting it off and his family thinks we are rushing.  I want to include my parents and his mom (his dad is deceased) but i'm not sure how to without making problems.  His family is Catholic and mine is Methodist so we have the disagreements on how things should go for that as well.  Any help would be appreciated because I want to include them and have them somehow at least thinking they are contrubuting to prevent hurt feelings but I don't want to have disagreements all the time either. 

TheVirginians

Parents have this need to give advice to their children. We always have and we always will. Can you just smile and nod? Don't engage. How do you want to involve them?

DramaGeek

One major thing you may run into is that if you aren't married in the Catholic church, your marriage will not be recognized by the Catholic church, and that may be a big problem for his family.  Honestly, that is the first thing I would tackle.

I would also start to practice the phrase "Thank you for your opinion but we have everything under control."  Use it often.

How to include them?  Well, you could invite them to taste test for catering or cake, you could invite them to look at a venue with you - but if you think they'll make problems I wouldn't do any of that, quite honestly.  If they want to be involved, you could perhaps give them a project that they can take and run with.  I had my MIL do the pew bows.  It's something she's good at and it kept her occupied so I didn't have to worry about her feeling left out of things.

Peledreamsofrain

Unfortunately, you'll find that you just can't make everyone happy with your wedding details.  No matter what you do, how far you go to please everyone, people will find the most trifling thing to pout at you about.  It's something that most brides have to come to terms with, and rise above. 

For me personally, that was one of the most difficult parts of planning my wedding.  It drove me crazy that I went above and beyond to please people, but I still got nitpicked.  I just had to let it go and do my best.

scooterpie7

I obviously don't know your situation, but at least with my family and friends, most of the nagging and 'advice' I recieved was before we had made firm decisions. Once we told people we had decided something, most people were a lot more respectful and kept their criticisms to themselves. I have one aunt who is VERY opinionated and would say things like "You MUST have a french manicure" "Your bridesmaids MUST all wear the same dresses" etc, but as soon as I told her "these are the bridesmaids dresses - all different", she would just say "Oh, they're pretty!". 

In the end, although some people are just genuinely jerks, most family members sticking their oar in are genuinely trying to help and have their hearts in the right place. Be gentle but firm and tell them your mind is made up. You may be surprised how well they take it. 

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_differences-of-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fbf51ac1-2baf-4eec-8637-d196266bca85Post:0725e295-c477-433d-9420-82ca636b031a">Re: Differences of opinion</a>:
[QUOTE]One major thing you may run into is that if you aren't married in the Catholic church, <strong>your marriage will not be recognized by the Catholic church, and that may be a big problem for his family.  Honestly, that is the first thing I would tackle</strong>. I would also start to practice the phrase "Thank you for your opinion but we have everything under control."  Use it often. How to include them?  Well, you could invite them to taste test for catering or cake, you could invite them to look at a venue with you - but if you think they'll make problems I wouldn't do any of that, quite honestly.  If they want to be involved, you could perhaps give them a project that they can take and run with.  I had my MIL do the pew bows.  It's something she's good at and it kept her occupied so I didn't have to worry about her feeling left out of things.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This.  It really depends on how religious he is (read: not his family, though of course this will be a major sticking point if they are).  Your marriage won't be recognized by the church unless you get married in the church with a priest officiating.  Technically, I don't think he's even supposed to take communion if he gets married outside of the church, though I am perhaps incorrect on that point (somebody more catholic than me can correct).</div><div>
</div><div>Also know that if you choose to get married in the church, one of the questions during the vows is whether you will accept children lovingly and will raise them catholic.  This isn't something you hear in most protestant weddings, so it's something you and he need to think about and discuss closely.</div><div>
</div><div>You can get married in the catholic church without converting - you still have to do the wedding in the church (which means not outside or in a historic place, etc - it has to be a catholic church with an altar), and it will be about a 25 minute spiel to do it without a mass.  You will still be required to do all the pre-cana training, which is the couple's counseling, etc. required by the church.  FI and I are partway through our pre-cana, and we've really enjoyed it.  Some of the questions are tough, but it has made us more confident in our marriage going forward.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the other, just be prepared for a lot of opinions and answer questions on a need-to-know basis.  I frankly think the religious difference you mentioned is going to be the biggest issue, and I would sit down with your FI and talk this out ASAP so that you can present a united front to both sets of parents, regardless of your decision.  You and he just need to understand the religious ramifications of this.  The catholic church really doesn't buy into the "it's my day" BS - it's a sacrament, and there are only 7 of them in the church that occur through a person's life - in fact, most people only get 6 of them because religious orders is one.  They will not negotiate with you about location, etc - nor will they negotiate you about recognizing your marriage if you decided to forego the catholic rituals so that it could be outside or whatever to fulfill the "it's my day" dream that so many brides have.  They will sometimes make special dispensations for situations like deployment, etc. but not in the case you are talking about.  I'm not trying to lecture you - your decision is your own - but you need to go into your discussions with your FI with your eyes open.

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MyNameIsNot

You mention his family's religion and your family's religion, but you don't mention what (if any) religions you and your FI follow.  That should make the decision about your ceremony, regardless of what your parents believe.  Since you don't mention that either you or your FI are practicing Catholics, the sacrament of matrimony in the church may not matter.  

As far as the rest of the details, listen to their ideas and say "that's an interesting idea.  We'll consider it."  One side note, though.  If any of your parents are helping to pay, that comes with a say in decision making.  If you want to maintain complete control, it may be easier to refuse any monetary assistance.  

36798099

religion is a touchy, very touchy subject and from my personal experience the catholic church is the very worst to deal with. they see only one way, their way, and that is it. that said the two of you need to decide for yourselves what you want, not your families. what church do you plan to raise your family in? if it isn't the catholic church then don't worry about it. do what you can to humor his family but start as you mean to go on. i still have nightmares about what i went through trying to humor DH's family(even 26yrs later), who is catholic, my husband doesn't set foot in church unless it's wedding/death so our kids were raised in my church (lutheran). while it is important to try and keep the peace, be true to who you both are as a couple

Calypso1977

His family is Catholic and mine is Methodist so we have the disagreements on how things should go for that as well. 

before you do anything else, you need to figure this out.  Religion goes way beyond the wedding day.  if a couple doesnt agree on religion, children, finances, etc. then they have no reason getting married.  if you havent figured these things out, then i agree with whoevers parents said you were rushing.

lauralynn83

The responses have been very helpful. My FI is confirmed Catholic and I am Methodist.  He says that he feels more comfortable in my church and that he really doesn't want to push religion on our kids.  So long as the kids are Christian, we are happy.   We have discusse the possibility of kids, religion and how to handle the finances.  We agree on it, it's just trying to appease the families that seems to be the problem.  My FI and I talked though and agreed that we have to do what is right for us and not for our families.  We are going to do some of the legwork for the Catholic church to accept the marriage.  But with us both being close to my church and the Methodist being more relaxed and making more sense to him, it's pretty much just following our beliefs rather than theirs.  Thanks so much for the help with this!!