I now know less than HALF of the people invited...

futuremrscoachj

Header- Agreement- I invite 125, he invites 125

My FI's grandfather is very prominent in the area (coached college football, NFL, etc) and knows EVERYONE (we cant go out to eat with him without having to spend half an hour to let him talk to everyone he sees out) 
This leads to the problem... every time I go see his grandparents, his grandmother has 10 or so more people  to add to the guest list. I know NONE of these people, and have even hinted to her "You're going to have to point out these people to me because I have no clue who they are!" but she laughs and says ok. The guest list hit over 300 tonight (111 people of my guest, 196 of his) and I had a small panic attack. His grandmother and mother told me they could cut their lists a little bit but that "if they cut certain people, they have to cut them all" and they have already told these people theyre invited... I even get frequent comments of "Jane and John Doe called today and they say they better be invited to that weddin!" "WHO ARE THEY?!?"
I showed my FI the list and he agreed that he knew none of the people, either.

Is this normal to be upset over? I want to share my wedding day with people close to us and have fun... not spend my reception meeting people ive never met, and never will run into again.

ootmother2

You have my sympathy


Honestly, I see no reason to invite strangers to your wedding unless they are family.  Even then, I'm a bit iffy.

So, at some point you have to make a choice and that is just who's getting married here.  You & FI or your relatives business associates ?

Sorry, sucky situation here.

alinaevers

I agree with PP, your wedding is a special ay between you and you FI. Not a chance for your FILs to rub elbows with thier colleagues. But if they are paying for the wedding then you are probably going to have to deal with it. But if I were in your position I would be upset. You should enjoy your wedding.

futuremrscoachj

Thank yall for making me feel normal.... and side note: theyre not paying for the wedding- my mom and stepdad are!

leia1979

Have these people already been invited? If so, you're stuck.

If they haven't been invited yet, just added to the list, then ask FI to ask his family to cut back the list.

Milsey32

If they're not contributing financially, they don't get a "final say" in the guest list. I'm even slightly annoyed that my Mom invited a few friends that have known me my whole entire life but I don't see/talk to but I let it go because it was within our budget... man, if she tried to invite people I've never met? That would not be a fun argument. That really does suck, OP and you have every right to be annoyed/upset. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO INVITE THEM since the grandparents aren't paying. 

However, are they going to cut down FI's list to 125? (or at least 139 if you're keeping your 111?)

whitma87

sorry, i dont have your dilemma.. me and my FI knows everyone coming (besides a few of the significant others of our cousins) but, we're only having 115 people at our wedding. Are they chipping in for the wedding? If so, just let them do what they want, but if they aren't it's your money, and you spend it the way you want to.

sklink0486

If your mom and stepdad are paying, I would be really pissed that FI's family is trying to invite all those people you BOTH don't know. I would put my foot down on this one and say no. Or tell them that if they want them there and they're such "big shots" then they can pay for those people themselves (well, maybe I wouldn't word it like that, but you get the idea)

jessicabessica

If they are not contributing, tell them how many people they can have on the list (I would tell FI's parents, and let them deal with the grandparents, if that's an option) and there is no room for more.  If they say that cutting one from a group means they'll have to cut a whole group, tell them that's fine, however they want to reach 125 is up to them.  

My parents are paying, and my dad wanted lots of family that I won't recognize invited, but he's paying, so it's what we're doing.  Then he was pressing to invite friends of my grandparents, and I drew the line by saying that none of the other sets of grandparents were inviting friends, and if we were inviting so much extended family, my grandparents would have plenty of people they needed to catch up with at the wedding so they wouldn't have time for friends.  

ETA: They're not the hosts, even if they told someone they were invited, you don't need to invite the person (the grandparents need to tell the people they were mistaken, if it comes up).  And it's rude for people to be calling you or the grandparents or anyone and saying "I better be invited."  

JanoBean75

What's your venue capacity? Stick to that as your final number and tell your FI's family they get half of that. No more. They need to cut their list. If they offer to pay for anything over, explain to them that your venue has a max capacity. If they insist, they can pay the difference of a new venue, the plates and all the other extras that go into hosting that many extra people (tables, chairs, drinks, linens, favors, centerpieces, etc.). Give them the actual per person cost and hopefully they'll get it.

peanutty2

If you gave them a set limit that they could invite and they are now going over it, it's their wrong doing.  I'd say you do not have to invite these people, especially how it's your parents that are hosting not them.  Tell them they just have to cut the list.  And/or ultimately it's up to you and FI (and hosts) who the invites go out too, so you may have to just cut it yourself.  If someone calls them asking where their invite is, well, it was their wrong move and they'll have to explain it to those people.

futuremrscoachj

The church capacity is 600, the reception venue is 400... But I really dont wish to fill it up. Food is expensive and I dont want my budget to go through the roof with 400 people wanting to eat (especially if I dont know them)

My mom just called me this morning because I was clearly upset last night and she just said to let it be... let them invite those people but have it stop with where they're at now, and we wil add more people that we actually know. They dont want me stressing so they just said let it be and that it will be fine. (I love my parents)

slwager

your parents are being lovely but it sounds like you coudl continue to get walked on.

have your FI talk to his grandparents. 

artbyallie

Your fiancé's family cannot verbally invite people. It's now on them to explain that they were mistaken and said people will not be receiving an invitation.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_now-less-half-of-people-invited-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdb84407-c295-4c39-ade6-fe1dbe663a64Post:01e8ae17-eccf-4494-b4a3-d4cfe68aa42c">Re: I now know less than HALF of the people invited...</a>:
[QUOTE]your parents are being lovely but it sounds like you coudl continue to get walked on. have your FI talk to his grandparents. 
Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]

I agree.  FI needs to lay down some rules for going forward, although it's nice that your parents are willing to accomodate the extras up to this point. 

bbrown185

I'm in the same boat you are in so I sympathize with you.  Dust and I only have 25 friends on the list(COMBINED).  The rest are acquiantances of his mom.  It upset me at first and when she realized that she offered to contribute to the cost of those people, which made us feel much better.  We lost the dream intimate wedding, but oh well we are still going to have each other at the end of the night.

futuremrscoachj

I talked to FI about it today and he said "Those people are probably important to her- dont let it get to you" and I quickly asked "Well, are they important to YOU? Becuase it isnt her wedding!" Then he said "They probably wont even come to the reception if thats what you're worried about"

... Can't win. Im not worried about anything, its that basis of the whole thing. Thank God for my awesome parents... and thank God im the only daughter!

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_now-less-half-of-people-invited-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdb84407-c295-4c39-ade6-fe1dbe663a64Post:481b46d8-6793-4aba-a742-210f71cb9392">Re: I now know less than HALF of the people invited...</a>:
[QUOTE]I talked to FI about it today and he said "Those people are probably important to her- dont let it get to you" and I quickly asked "Well, are they important to YOU? Becuase it isnt her wedding!" Then he said "They probably wont even come to the reception if thats what you're worried about" ... Can't win. Im not worried about anything, its that basis of the whole thing. Thank God for my awesome parents... and thank God im the only daughter!
Posted by futuremrscoachj[/QUOTE]

<div>Ooh boy. Wrong answer, FI. He's supposed to be on your side. Make it clear to him that he needs to back you up on this even if he doesn't necessarily agree.</div>

futuremrscoachj

Haha I just got an email from my FI grandmother:

(paraphrasing some of her mannerisms)
"Sorry for the extra people last night. Its just that everyone thinks yall are just such a good lookin' couple and they want to see you as a bride. We promise to do our best not to abuse your parents kindness. They are being awfully generous! Have a wonderful day. Love you!"

Are. you. serious. I will send them an effing picture of me as a bride. We're not even all that good looking.

Habs2Hart

Is your wedding in a church where anyone can come to the ceremony?  Because if that's the case, then maybe cut way back on wedding invites and have granny tell her friends that the church is open. 

kyurcek

Even though it seems your parents are fine with it, I'd still put my foot down.  I mean, you're still almost 9 months away - think of how many more people they could come up with in that amount of time!  IMO you should give them a set number of people they can invite, and they can prioritize/cut from that number. 

futuremrscoachj

Yes, and thats what my mom suggested- because they put open invitations in the church bullitens all the time... but theyre close friends with church people that they want at the reception, so we cant only invite some of them to the reception and do open invitation to others. These people would not be above just inviting themselves to the reception.

.... exercised that option. SUCH a nice thought and wish I could. Im stuck.

Carlydl

What I'm wondering is the breakdown you guys were hoping to acheive with the 125/125 split.  Did that include friends of you and FI?  If this is really going to upset you (and with 9 more months to go with guaranteed continual stress over this), I seriously advocate putting your foot down.

Try something like, "Ok, FILs, we have the budget for 250 people and we are splitting that number evenly between my family and your family.  Please sit down and write out a 'wish list' of people you would like to invite, then we'll come together and cut down that list to 125 people to fit the budget.  If you have a hard time cutting it down, FI and I will be happy to help you.  We appreciate your enthusiam about our wedding!"

It sounds like they have good intentions; they are probably just so proud of their grandson that they want to show him and his FI off to their friends and acquaintances.  But, you're right, this is you and your FI's wedding, not his retirement party. 

GL

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_now-less-half-of-people-invited-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdb84407-c295-4c39-ade6-fe1dbe663a64Post:76a86da0-6143-4e0c-a5dd-c878d0f0e123">Re: I now know less than HALF of the people invited...</a>:
[QUOTE]What I'm wondering is the breakdown you guys were hoping to acheive with the 125/125 split.  Did that include friends of you and FI?  If this is really going to upset you (and with 9 more months to go with guaranteed continual stress over this), I seriously advocate putting your foot down.<strong> Try something like, "Ok, FILs, we have the budget for 250 people and we are splitting that number evenly between my family and your family.  Please sit down and write out a 'wish list' of people you would like to invite, then we'll come together and cut down that list to 125 people to fit the budget.  If you have a hard time cutting it down, FI and I will be happy to help you.  We appreciate your enthusiam about our wedding!"</strong> It sounds like they have good intentions; they are probably just so proud of their grandson that they want to show him and his FI off to their friends and acquaintances.  But, you're right, this is you and your FI's wedding, not his retirement party.  GL
Posted by Carlydl[/QUOTE]

This, absolutely. It's your wedding, and your FILs aren't paying for it. Being able to invite 125 guests is pretty generous, and I'm sure they'd be happy to abide by any boundaries that you set with them. However, it's up to you and your FI to get on the same page. Perhaps you could ask your FI how he'd feel about adding 70 extra people if it was the two of you paying for the wedding, not you parents. I'm sure he means well, but it seems like he's taking your parents' generosity for granted.

SirJuliusVonHaast

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_now-less-half-of-people-invited-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fdb84407-c295-4c39-ade6-fe1dbe663a64Post:78e8f1f4-7a39-4450-be8b-d6c0fc2a99d9">Re: I now know less than HALF of the people invited...</a>:
[QUOTE]Haha I just got an email from my FI grandmother: (paraphrasing some of her mannerisms) "Sorry for the extra people last night. Its just that everyone thinks yall are just such a good lookin' couple and they want to see you as a bride. We promise to do our best not to abuse your parents kindness. They are being awfully generous! Have a wonderful day. Love you!" Are. you. serious. I will send them an effing picture of me as a bride. We're not even all that good looking.
Posted by futuremrscoachj[/QUOTE]

<div>Dear FI grandmother,</div><div>I agree that it is generous of my parents to pay for all of these extra guests, but budget isn't the only issue. A 400 person wedding is just never what I pictured or wanted, especially not one where I have never met half of the people on the guest list. I also feel taken advantage of that these people were verbally invited to FI and my wedding without consulting us. I'm afraid that the best way to rectify the situation may be for you to tell them that since you are not the host, you were mistaken when you said they would be invited. That would allow us to cut the list to the point that our wedding day once again be a source of joy rather than stress for me. We can send pictures, rather than paying $XX per person for strangers to see me as a bride. </div><div>
</div><div>Love, </div><div>
</div><div>Future Mrs. Coach J</div>

futuremrscoachj

Ha... LOVE it, Sir Julius!

Me and my stepdad just got back from the reception venue and while we were there before we talked to the coordinator, I showed him the guest list from FI's grandmother. He actually recognized lots of the names as apparently they are big wigs here at the University with athletics and coaching, so he was excited about being able to meet them.

Does that take away some of the guilt I feel about him having to pay for these people? Yes. Do I still get upset over the basis of the whole thing? Absolutely.

He told me not to worry, that he wants to throw a party and that he's really excited. So... im going to pick my battles and let it go. I really do have the best stepfather, ever.

Thank yall for making me feel normal about all this!