Wedding Etiquette Forum

Never the bride, always the friend that helps the bride

One of my friends is getting married this year and I am helping her plan the wedding (I know, I am a great friend). Since I am not married, I have been here reading up on wedding etiquette. One of the things she is doing is having an "A" and "B" list of invites. I have tried to explain to her that this is wrong and how hurt the people on the "B"  list will be but she won't listen to me since she is the bride and it has to be done her way.

I know a few people specifically on the "B" would be hurt if they found out. I am planning on keeping my mouth shut, but I am afraid they will find out and there will be a blow out (yes, these people would do that). Should I give up on explaining to the bride or keep trying? I'd like to head off any fights and keep the peace. Suggestions? I just don't want anyone to be hurt over this wedding.

Re: Never the bride, always the friend that helps the bride

  • I know i should but the people on the "B" list are friends of mine and since everyone knows that I am helping her plan the wedding, I am afraid they will be mad at me too. I can't believe I am this stressed out over a wedding that's not even mine.
  • Tell her she should check out the knot etiquette board.  That would be fun.  Haha.
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  • Thanks for the help! My gut was telling me to let it go but my brain was getting worried and stressed about it. Okay, back to lurking now...
  • Are you a bridesmaid or the MOH?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_never-the-bride-always-the-friend-that-helps-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe3f2eb8-66e1-4723-a414-844b42959ebdPost:8d5f4ee4-75dc-448e-9714-c245bab73682">Re: Never the bride, always the friend that helps the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know i should but the people on the "B" list are friends of mine and since everyone knows that I am helping her plan the wedding, I am afraid they will be mad at me too. I can't believe I am this stressed out over a wedding that's not even mine.
    Posted by moemac5150[/QUOTE]

    Those friends will be mad at her...not you.

    Point the bride over here.  Hopefully she'll see the error of her ways.
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  • Quick clarifying question. 

    Is she using her "A" and "B" lists to just determine the guest list (i.e. "A's" are people that have to be there and "B's" are people that are up for negotiation as far as determining who will ultimately be invited)?  Or is she actually thinking of issuing invitations to her "A" list and then based on responses, issuing then to the "B" list?

    I only ask because until I came to the knot, I had only heard of A, B and C lists in the first sense.  Giving her the benefit of the doubt before judging, I think instance 1 is ok, instance 2 is rude.
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  • Don't get involved.  It will only reflect badly on her if people find out.  You tried to tell her and she didn't listen, so you've done what you can.
  • She is actually issuing invitations to her "A" list and then based on responses, she will be  issuing then to the "B" list. So the "B" list invitations will be sent out later than the "A" list.

    I am not in the wedding party. After all this, I just want to enjoy the open bar at the wedding with no more added responsibilities.

  • You don't sound very excited about being involved in this wedding. If you aren't enjoying helping then just bow out. A simple "Sorry Bride, but work/school/family is starting to take up more of my time and I won't be able to be as involved in your wedding."

    This isn't your responsibility.
  • edited February 2012
    Rummi-The groom is currently living/working in L.A. so I have stepped up to help her plan the wedding (she understands this is my wedding gift to her). It has been kinda fun up until this point and we have the food and cake tasting coming up. I think once I let this issue go, it'll be fine. Besides, I am using this opportunity as a learning experience for me. When I get married, I will be a pro at planning it.

    Also, I wanted to say that I have been reading this board for awhile and it's been very helpful. Thank-you!
  • Meh...This is one of the etiquette rules I can't get with. If done tactfully, a B list works fine in my opinion. However, as you can see, people here don't agree.

    But in regards to your situation, if you think it will get sticky and your friend still wants to go with the B list, if there is fallout, it falls on her. You did not create her guest list, she did.
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  • Well, if she doesn't tell and you don't tell who are on "B" list, how will anybody find out? 

    Isn't "A" list are absolute must invite, and "B" would love to have if the budget allows?  Maybe I am the minority here, but I'd rather host a dinner reception with my closest family and friends, then just cake and punch to invite everybody I say hello too.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_never-the-bride-always-the-friend-that-helps-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe3f2eb8-66e1-4723-a414-844b42959ebdPost:af5f7b8e-11fe-44a7-9375-d3faf891f1af">Re: Never the bride, always the friend that helps the bride</a>:
    [QUOTE]Quick clarifying question.  Is she using her "A" and "B" lists to just determine the guest list (i.e. "A's" are people that have to be there and "B's" are people that are up for negotiation as far as determining who will ultimately be invited)?  Or is she actually thinking of issuing invitations to her "A" list and then based on responses, issuing then to the "B" list? I only ask because until I came to the knot, I had only heard of A, B and C lists in the first sense.  Giving her the benefit of the doubt before judging, I think instance 1 is ok, instance 2 is rude.
    Posted by July2012bride[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this..we essentially made 2 lists orginally, we didn't call them A and B but we could have, they were MUST be there people, and would be nice if they could be there. However before we mailed out invites we narrowed it down into one list. We don't have a "B" list in the sence that if someone cant come we will invite someone else, our guest list is done! (And hello savings if someone really cant come!)

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  • Ugh, I would direct her to these boards, or print out one of the discussions about a and b lists and stick it on her fridge.

    HAHA

    But really the people who find out wil be mad at her and she is going to look like the bad and inconsiderate one.  You did what you could in telling her so you have fulfilled your part.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime"
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