XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?

kmbirkel

Hi all,

I apologize in advance for the length of this post! I will do my best to keep it concise and relevant!

SO and I are actually not engaged yet, but I know he's planning to pop the question sometime soon (we recently custom designed and ordered the ring together, so it's kind of a given  ) and I am 95% sure I can anticipate how his parents will react when we tell them we're engaged. We've been together over 7 years and live near them, so I know them very well. I was hoping to get your advice ahead of time so I know how to respond to what I expect will happen, if/when it does.

SO's family was poor as he was growing up, due in large part to both of his parents having trouble holding down a job and making financial decisions demonstrating poor judgment on a regular basis. There isn't really a way to say this gently, but his parents have a long track record - ever since he was a kid - of not providing basic necessities for him when he was younger and, as he got older, making promises (seemingly with genuinely good intentions) and later not following through. Most of these situations have involved money; they wanted to support him and raise him well, but from what I can tell, have never really figured out how to have a healthy relationship with money or how to budget properly, even now as they're turning 60. Their financial situation hasn't changed in the past few years (thankfully, they have held down their current jobs for a while now), but they're now moving out of the house they moved into just a year ago because they realized they can't afford it after all, and their cell phone service gets shut off at regular 3-month intervals because they only pay it when it gets past due and the company shuts them down. The last time their power got shut off because they couldn't pay the bill, they ate out at nice restaurants every meal for a week because "we can't cook at home." Years ago, they grandly promised to pay for SO's college education and then pulled their funding right before his last semester - sadly, he couldn't get approved for student loans or afford to pay it himself with the money from his part-time job, and had to drop out. (They never even apologized for that one.) Hopefully you get the picture. Obviously I have a lot of resentment toward that, and SO does too (though, strangely, not as much as I do) - we plan to do some premarital counseling before we get married to help us sort out how to handle some of these feelings and issues.

ANYWAY. As I've said, I know SO's parents and their behavioral patterns pretty well at this point. I am about 95% sure that when we tell them we're engaged, they will be very happy for us and tell us they want to pay for some part of the wedding, or contribute in some significant way. They've been saying for years I'm the daughter they never had and they can't wait to celebrate welcoming me into the family officially one day, and I know they'll want to pitch in. However, SO and I have absolutely zero confidence that they would follow through with this promise - something will come up right before the wedding and whatever they've committed to will fall apart.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful here. SO's parents, while they can be misguided at times, are good people at heart - I care about them, and I don't want to upset them. I'm afraid they'll be deeply hurt if we decline an offer to pay for something or contribute somehow, but I don't know what else to do. I also don't want for some major thing to go wrong at the wedding, like we have no food because they didn't pay the caterer!

I know some of you may be wondering where the money for the rest of the wedding will come from. My dad plans to contribute a significant amount, and I know he will follow through. I don't think my mom can afford much, if anything, but I trust that she'll be honest and direct about what she can or can't do. So, realistically, SO and I expect to pay ourselves for anything beyond what my dad's contribution will cover. We don't make or have a lot of money, so it won't be anything terribly fancy.

Thank you for your time, everyone. I really appreciate you reading all this, and I hope someone can suggest how I might be able to handle this situation if/when it arises. Thanks again!

AddieCake

If they offer you money, say, "Great! Thanks!" and then just go about your business paying for everything yourselves as if they never offered. Then, if money does materialize, it will be a pleasant surprise.

aurianna

I don't know what youre question is?

But I think this is the answer:

Do all of your wedding planning as if you were getting NOTHING from your FI's parents. Budget accordingly. If they do magically come through, it's a bonus.

(an aside... the situation sounds awful, but I'd be careful who you talk to about it in this way. It's not really you're place to judge how they spend their money, so just be careful about what you say and to whom.)

Gratz on the ring and future engagement though!

OliveOilsMom

You and FI should budget to pay for the entire wedding yourselves.  If anyone offers a contribution (you should never ask), keep planning the wedding in your original budget until you have money in hand.  You can always upgrade things later when you receive a monetary contribution.

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:c61ddfd2-66ad-49a8-9439-e1c174776067">XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]...SO and I are actually not engaged yet, ...
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

<div>I stopped reading here and kinda skimmed the rest. </div><div>
</div><div>First, worry about this when you are engaged. Second, plan a wedding you can afford on your own without any contributions from anyone. Until you have cash in hand you shouldn't be spending or even planning on someone else's dime. There are no sure things in life except death and taxes. And, if you follow those two rules, whether the FILs promise any money and actually follow through or not won't matter. </div>

lyndausvi

Thank them if they offer.  Don't count on the money until it's in your hand.

We didn't need the backstory.  It's the standard answer regardless of the backstory.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:9390996f-139f-4ca2-a65a-2f2486fab33d">Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Addie. Graciously accept and then plan to never see the money. If they do give it to you, yay, it's a honeymoon upgrade bonus. If not, you won't be stuck in a lurch and you don't hurt their feelings. On a side note, though it is none of my business, <strong>how come your FI didn't qualify for student loans.</strong> I ask because I have honestly never met ANYONE who didn't qualify, so that makes me worry there is some major financial issue ahead of you.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Ditto PPs.  Also curious about the bolded.  Perhaps she meant he didn't qualify for any government assistance?  I know due to my parent's financial status I qualified for zip with FAFSA.

Knottie_22382049

Ditto PP on planning without their money and if they do end up giving you some it is a bonus. 

As for the student loan question I am unsure of if OP's BF fell into this catagory but FAFSA makes you put parents tax info until you are 24 and if the parent refused to supply the required information the student would not be eligable for federal loans or grants. 

kmbirkel

Hi everyone,

Wow, so many responses so fast! Thank you, everyone.

I think those of you suggesting that we just say thanks and move on expecting nothing are right - what I am concerned about is, what if they say they want to contribute to something specific? For example, "we want to pay for the food, so let's choose a caterer together and we will take care of the rest"? They actually did this with SO's cousin's wedding, but in that case, it was the flowers. They had everything planned with a florist, which fell through, and FMIL ended up making the floral arrangements herself the night before.

Aurianna, thanks for your advice. I do plan to delete the text of the OP after people are done answering, and believe me, I wouldn't talk about them this way in person. Thank goodness for the internet, right?

msuprincess04, if I am anticipating their actions correctly, I think this conversation will happen the minute we announce to them that we're engaged. That's why I'm worrying about it now, so I know what to say that day!

Those of you with the questions about student loans, I haven't asked him for explicit details on why he was turned down, but I would guess it was because they wanted to take his parents' income into account, and/or because he had no credit at all, nor anyone to co-sign/guarantee a loan with him. I don't know much about how financial aid works, but I wonder if it may have also been something sketchy on the college's part; he was going for an associate's degree at the time, and I believe the technical college he was attending filed for bankruptcy shortly after he left there. Maybe someone who knows more about loans and aid can weigh in on whether that could have affected it?

Knottie_22382049

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:529e5944-396e-4d7e-9c59-19f43b8f8e43">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE] For example, "we want to pay for the food, so let's choose a caterer together and we will take care of the rest"? They actually did this with SO's cousin's wedding, but in that case, it was the flowers. They had everything planned with a florist, which fell through, and FMIL ended up making the floral arrangements herself the night before. 
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

<div>Make sure that you know the amount they will be spending when the contract gets signed and budget it so that you will be able to cover the cost if they do not. This way when the payment is due you can just pay it if they do not have the money and not lose your vendor. If they do have the money you can put the money you saved towards something else. </div>

lyndausvi

If you think they want to do something specific just plan like you are going to pay for the item.  Save the money.  If they back out you are covered.  If they cover the costs you  have bonus money.

Kate61487

If they offer to pay for something specific I would say "that's so great, thanks!  what kind of budget were you thinking?"  and when they give a dollar amount say "okay we'll plan within that amount".  If they insist on doing the planning/coordinating themselves, politely decline "oh that's okay, mom, we want to put a lot of personal touches in so km and I want to really focus on all the planning together."  or "we really want to keep all the communication with the vendors the same accross the board for consistancy / planning ease / some other excuse"

I wrote "mom" instead of "FMIL" because your FI should do the talking.

kmbirkel

In Response to Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:In Response to Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?: For example, "we want to pay for the food, so let's choose a caterer together and we will take care of the rest"? They actually did this with SO's cousin's wedding, but in that case, it was the flowers. They had everything planned with a florist, whichnbsp;fell through, andnbsp;FMIL ended up making the floral arrangements herself the night before.nbsp;Posted by kmbirkelMake sure that you know the amount they will be spending when the contract gets signed and budget it so that you will be able to cover the cost if they do not. This way when the payment is due you can just pay it if they do not have the money and not lose your vendor. If they do have the money you can put the money you saved towards something else.nbsp; Posted by PrincessBride2016 That sounds like a great plan! Thank you

kmbirkel

In Response to Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:[QUOTE]If they offer to pay for something specific I would say "that's so great, thanks!nbsp; what kind of budget were you thinking?"nbsp; and when they give a dollar amount say "okay we'll plan within that amount".nbsp; If they insist on doing the planning/coordinating themselves, politely decline "oh that's okay, mom, we want to put a lot of personal touches in so km and I want to really focus on all the planning together."nbsp; or "we really want to keep all the communication with the vendors the same accross the board for consistancy / planning ease / some other excuse"I wrote "mom" instead of "FMIL" because your FI should do the talking. Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Thanks. This seems like great advice!

lennonkdc

answered you on NEY

PrettyGirlLost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:529e5944-396e-4d7e-9c59-19f43b8f8e43">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE] Those of you with the questions about student loans, I haven't asked him for explicit details on why he was turned down, but I would guess it was because they wanted to take his parents' income into account, and/or because he had no credit at all, nor anyone to co-sign/guarantee a loan with him. I don't know much about how financial aid works, but I wonder if it may have also been something sketchy on the college's part; he was going for an associate's degree at the time, and I believe the technical college he was attending filed for bankruptcy shortly after he left there. Maybe someone who knows more about loans and aid can weigh in on whether that could have affected it?
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

Do you know what type of loans he was applying for?  Federal or private, like Sallie Mae?

kmbirkel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:c0ef008f-53df-4ba8-8daa-13406fdedac0">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes? : Do you know what type of loans he was applying for?  Federal or private, like Sallie Mae?
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]

I don't know, I'm sorry. I didn't know any of this was happening at the time; he told me about it all after it was over (after he would have graduated) because he was so humiliated. I was in school myself 3,000 miles away so I didn't have any other way of knowing what was going on. I'd rather not ask him about it now because that would mean drudging up emotional crap for him he's still working on dealing with, and he's sick right now, so I don't want to make him feel any worse!

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:529e5944-396e-4d7e-9c59-19f43b8f8e43">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe someone who knows more about loans and aid can weigh in on whether that could have affected it?
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

I'm not 100% positive if a college's financial standing could affect a loan but I don't think it does considering that the student is recieving the loan and not the school.

I didn't qualify for financial aid for the first 3 years of college because my parents made too much - you're considered a dependent until you are 24 or 26 (I can't remember which). You can file for indepence through your school, but they usually don't grant it. My FI got financial aid because his parents made so little. There's also the EFC (Expected Family Contribution) and my family was expected to pay for my entire education whereas FI's family wasn't expected to pay at all. I've heard of a lot of students not getting loans or grants from the state or federal level in my area.

ETA: Sorry OP, I forgot to respond to your original question. Don't expect anything from your SO's parents unless they are handing you cash. If they offer to pay for a specific part, like the catering, choose out a caterer yourself that you can comfortably afford if they don't give you the promised money. I wouldn't suggest picking one out with them in case you get one that you can't afford if you don't get the money.

MoonlightSilver

If you're working with her to pick out vendors, you can definitely just say that the one that fits into YOUR budget is your favorite. That way, whether she pays for it or not, you can cover the costs. 

tanyamary627

In Response to Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:[QUOTE]Okay everyone, there is a big difference between not qualifying for federal grants or even subsidized loans and not being able to be approved for any sort of student loan. The former has to do with things like parents income. The latter is pretty much only denied if you have specifically very bad credit, a large sum of debt already, or a felony charge.

It's possible something like not seeking a 4 year degree or not being enrolled full time affected it as well. I'm not trying to suggest anything about your FI. But before you get married, I would have a very real in depth talk about finances. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I went to community college my first 2 years of undergrad and didn't need loans, but when I transferred to a 4year school I had a hard time obtaining a student loan. The stafford loan max per year was under 5k if you are considered a dependent which I was considered bc I was under 25, not married, no kids, not in military, etc., even though I received no support from my parents. The stafford loan was not based on credit so that wasn't a problem. The issue was obtaining loans for the additional cost of tuition, which I had to do through private loans, and which I was continuously denied for because I was young, had little credit, and no consigner. I landed a great internship at a great company which must have boosted my credit worthiness, and I was eventually approved and had no trouble obtaining loans for the remainder of undergrad. But being denied DOES happen to people with no felonies or drug problems, no loan defaults, and average credit, FYI!

kmbirkel

In Response to Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:Okay everyone, there is a big difference between not qualifying for federal grants or even subsidized loans and not being able to be approved for any sort of student loan. The former has to do with things like parents income. The latter is pretty much only denied if you have specifically very bad credit, a large sum of debt already, or a felony charge.

It's possible something like not seeking a 4 year degree or not being enrolled full time affected it as well. I'm not trying to suggest anything about your FI. But before you get married, I would have a very real in depth talk about finances. Posted by StageManager14

I went to community college my first 2 years of undergrad and didn't need loans, but when I transferred to a 4year school I had a hard time obtaining a student loan. The stafford loan max per year was under 5k if you are considered a dependent which I was considered bc I was under 25, not married, no kids, not in military, etc., even though I received no support from my parents. The stafford loan was not based on credit so that wasn't a problem. The issue was obtaining loans for the additional cost of tuition, which I had to do through private loans, and which I was continuously denied for because I was young, had little credit, and no consigner. I landed a great internship at a great company which must have boosted my credit worthiness, and I was eventually approved and had no trouble obtaining loans for the remainder of undergrad. But being denied DOES happen to people with no felonies or drug problems, no loan defaults, and average credit, FYI! Posted by tanyamary627[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I am very sure he didn't have massive debt, very bad credit, OR a felony charge then or now. And if he tells me he tried his hardest to get loans and was denied, I trust him that he did his research and did his best.

Xstatic3333

I agree that a frank talk about finances is SUPER important, but I know several people who could not get federal loans without a cosigner due to a simple lack of credit history. I'm 28 and easily got a credit card to start building my credit history a couple of years before the recession while I was working on my bachelors'. I work with lots of undergrads at the school where I am now a grad student, and from what they are telling me it is MUCH harder now to start building a credit history now. Money convos are a must when you're getting engaged, but the lack of a loan isn't necessarily a red flag to me, unless it's due to mounds of hidden debt. OP, good luck, congrats on picking out a ring, and listen to those PPs about working around your FILs when the time comes!

Xstatic3333

Stage, I think I posted at the same time as you. Not trying to fight, just sharing my experience. I agree, getting denied for a private loan would be quite a bit more concerning and talking about finances is important to this couple.

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:fded2d7c-f1c5-4e0f-883a-d584940789cd">Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay everyone, there is a big difference between not qualifying for federal grants or even subsidized loans and not being able to be approved for any sort of student loan. The former has to do with things like parents income. The latter is pretty much only denied if you have specifically very bad credit, a large sum of debt already, or a felony charge. It's possible something like not seeking a 4 year degree or not being enrolled full time affected it as well. I'm not trying to suggest anything about your FI. But <strong>before you get married, I would have a very real in depth talk about finances.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this.  If he had that horrible of a financial example, you need to be sure he won't take you down the same path.  You said you were going to premarital counselling to deal with his emotions regarding his parents bailing on financial stuff with him, but I think you need to focus more on both of your attitudes towards money, spending, saving, and budgeting and make sure you can effectively communicate with each other about it, and are in agreement on the major points before you get married.  His emotions regarding his parents may play into that, but aren't really something that would impact your marriage aside from how they'd affect your financial future.</div>

Knottie_22382102

They give student loans out like candy to most people...just depends on the loan you are applying for. I suggest going to the financial aid office at the school. FI thought he couldn't get a loan because his bank told him he had the amount of loans they would allow (car loan and personal loan). He had no idea about federal loans or anything else.

Also, I'd try to stay enrolled, even if it's chipping away one class at a time. That's what Im doing with my master's...I have 1/3 of it done now. it doesn't hurt as much a little at a ime.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:e72f8abe-4613-49b6-bd7d-35284c1fe51e">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes? : I don't know, I'm sorry.<strong> I didn't know any of this was happening at the time; he told me about it all after it was over </strong>(after he would have graduated) because he was so humiliated. I was in school myself 3,000 miles away so I didn't have any other way of knowing what was going on. I'd rather not ask him about it now because that would mean drudging up emotional crap for him he's still working on dealing with, and he's sick right now, so I don't want to make him feel any worse!
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm with the others that you should have a real discussion about finances, and quite frankly, the bolded part would really upset me. If I was really embarrassed about something, the ONLY person in the world I could tell would be my FI. </div><div>
</div><div>What if he gets into debt? Will that embarrass him? Will he tell you when it's over?</div><div>
</div>

mrsjoesmith

Ditto to all the other post.... I just wanted to say, I totally get not wanting to make him feel bad and bring up negative feelings, but if you are going to be husband and wife I think you need to talk about the loan stuff. Sometime convos are hard and super awkward, but you need to make sure you know everything before making such a bug commitment. Plus it is good practice for future big talks. Best of luck!

kmbirkel

Wow. Okay, guys. I will talk to him about this, when he gets better and is no longer sick. It doesn't have to happen RIGHT NOW.

Also, we have had many serious conversations about finances. We've been working together for years now on trying to get his money managing skills and credit built up; I grew up with great financial guidance and now have excellent credit, so he's happy to look to me for guidance. We've also had a couple of joint accounts for a few years now, with both of us having 100% access to the funds and seeing where they go, and have had zero problems. It was hard for him to learn the skills at first but he's actually quite good at managing money now. It's something we continue to work on, but it some ways I can learn from him too (I have better habits when, for example, it comes to setting up a reminder system so I remember to pay my bills on time, and more knowledge about what can help and hurt your credit, but he also consistently lives much more frugally than I do despite us having basically equal income). So it's a journey we're making together, and I'm comfortable with the progress we've made and where we're at.

Also, as far as him finishing the program - he could afford to if he wanted to now, but is no longer interested. That was several years ago, and in the interim, he's made himself a career in a field he loves far more, that also has more potential for mobility and growth, and that pays better. He's taking classes again now, but they're to help him advance in his current field, not the one he almost ended up in before. Honestly, I think he's better off in this field than he would have been if he'd seen the program through, though neither of us would have known it at the time.

One more thing, about him not telling me until later. I didn't respond to that too well either, but I could only be so angry at him when his heart was breaking just telling me how bad he felt for keeping it from me, but how he just didn't know how to tell me. I understand that. We had a big heart to heart then about honesty, and we are both much more open with each other now than we were before that. This was also a few years ago... our relationship now is far stronger and healthier today than it was then.

Thank you all for your concern and advice. With that said, I hope/I'd like to think that we're in better shape than you all fear we are!

Edited for grammar.

tanyamary627

In Response to Re:XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:[QUOTE]
So, you can stop acting like I'm some evil bitchqueen for suggesting that if OP doesn't know the details on such a big thing that will impact her life and future, she should ask before the wedding day. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Not sure who you are referring to, but I was not implying you were an evil bitchqueen. I was sharing my very frustrating experience regarding loans, and informing the OP that there are certainly other circumstances that would prevent her SO from obtaining a loan. I was not disagreeing that finances are an extremely important topic to discuss in depth before marriage.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:54d4d070-5951-4e09-b490-1df0cadc6298">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Okay, guys. I will talk to him about this, when he gets better and is no longer sick. It doesn't have to happen RIGHT NOW. Also, we have had many serious conversations about finances. We've been working together for years now on trying to get his money managing skills and credit built up; I grew up with great financial guidance and now have excellent credit, so he's happy to look to me for guidance. We've also had a couple of joint accounts for a few years now, with both of us having 100% access to the funds and seeing where they go, and have had zero problems. It was hard for him to learn the skills at first but he's actually quite good at managing money now. It's something we continue to work on, but it some ways I can learn from him too (I have better habits when, for example, it comes to setting up a reminder system so I remember to pay my bills on time, and more knowledge about what can help and hurt your credit, but he also consistently lives much more frugally than I do despite us having basically equal income). So it's a journey we're making together, and I'm comfortable with the progress we've made and where we're at. Also, as far as him finishing the program - he could afford to if he wanted to now, but is no longer interested. That was several years ago, and in the interim, he's made himself a career in a field he loves far more, that also has more potential for mobility and growth, and that pays better. He's taking classes again now, but they're to help him advance in his current field, not the one he almost ended up in before. Honestly, I think he's better off in this field than he would have been if he'd seen the program through, though neither of us would have known it at the time. One more thing, about him not telling me until later. I didn't respond to that too well either, but I could only be so angry at him when his heart was breaking just telling me how bad he felt for keeping it from me ,but how he just didn't know how to tell me. I understand that. We had a big heart to heart then about honesty, and we are both much more open with each other now than we were before that. This was also a few years ago... our relationship now is far stronger and healthier today than it was then. Thank you all for your concern and advice. With that said, I hope/I'd like to think that we're in better shape than you all fear we are!
Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]

<div>You may be fine, and he may be fine now, but I personally think the conversation about why he got denied still needs to happen.  It is probably a simple explanation, but personally this would raise financial (not necessarily relationship, but financial) red flags for me.  Once he's feeling better, you can address it in a calm and simple conversation.</div><div>
</div><div>My FI also grew up with poor money management skills. He doesn't carry any CC debt (thankfully), but he's still not always sure where his money goes.  I am hyper aware of it, and as our wedding approached we had many many conversations about how to deal with this.  We finally set up an account on mint, entered all account info for both of us, and then made his email the primary account holder so that he would be the one to get alerts to check it.  I don't need a formal budget - I can do it in my head, and I check my accounts so often that I always know exactly where I'm at - but it's helpful for FI to see everything precategorized for him.  It's really helped curb his spending a lot.</div><div>
</div><div>The point of this back story is that having joint bank accounts really doesn't tell you much of anything.  You need to be able to see all his credit card accounts, investments, retirement accounts, savings accounts, loan accounts, etc. to actually get a full financial snapshot of what he's doing.  That's why we entered everything on mint - we can see what the other is spending and saving, and he has a visual budget he can follow.  It also gives FI concrete goals with regard to savings - he now knows what we have to put away each month to afford a house in fall of 2014.  I can tell him those figures 1,000 times, but seeing them neatly presented on a computer screen has worked wonders.</div><div>
</div><div>The most important thing this has provided for us - brutal honesty about our spending and financial situation.  I get why your FI didn't tell you when he got denied for a loan, and I know that was years ago.  I'm sure he tells you most everything now, but it's never bad to have a little insurance to make sure you are always in the loop</div>

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-with-ney-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe7ce28a-eddc-48fe-8462-f73662e5fdc2Post:fc8370e2-505d-4077-a2ae-90580812b6b4">Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP with NEY: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes? : <strong> You may be fine, and he may be fine now, but I personally think the conversation about why he got denied still needs to happen.  It is probably a simple explanation, but personally this would raise financial (not necessarily relationship, but financial) red flags for me.   </strong>
 We finally set up an <strong>account on mint,</strong> entered all account info for both of us, and then made his email the primary account holder so that he would be the one to get alerts to check it. 
<strong> get a full financial snapshot of what he's doing</strong>.  That's why we entered everything on mint - we can see what the other is spending and saving, and he has a visual budget he can follow.  It also gives FI concrete goals with regard to savings -

.  I'm sure he tells you most everything now, but it's never bad to have a little insurance to make sure you are always in the loop
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

Ditto having the conversation sooner rather than later. It's better just to get it all out in the open. I love mint and I use it to track my spending and see how much I'm going over/under my estimated budget (I ALWAYS spend too much on groceries!!)