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katdel13

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Avion22

The only things your bridesmaids or MOH's have to do is show up sober in the attire that you agree on.  That's it.  They don't have to plan anything or check in with you every week or anything else.

I don't see any way of telling her that you don't want her to be your MOH anymore (and "demoting" her to bridesmaid) without ending the friendship.   

Simply Fated

Have you already asked her to be MOH, even "unofficially?" If so, then there is no gentle way to demote a friend's status.

Is your friendship with her fading? I mean, if you did demote her, and she got pissed and wasn't your friend anymore, would you care? If you don't really care, then by all means, demote her. But, if you would rather stay her friend, then why risk hurting her by telling her, "I'd rather have a traditional wedding party and due to your location, I'm choosing to demote you."

It all really depends on how you want the outcome to be. There is no gentle way to say this. I mean, go through a bunch of ways in your head. Do any of them sound right to you?
"You live too far to plan properly..."
"I decided to choose tradition over maintaining your MOH status..."

And what tradition is this, anyway? It's not overly common to have two MOHs, but it's never been a tradition to have just one. So I would trash the whole tradition excuse if you do demote her. And her location isn't her fault, so I'd trash that reason, too.

For what it's worth, because you mentioned this... the only person who really needs to be planning this wedding with you is your fiance. If you need further help, then consider hire a co-ordinator or wedding planner. It's great if your friends can help you, but it shouldn't be a requirement for their position. If your fiance or a planner isn't an option, try cutting back on some thing or just expect to plan alone.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_go-from-two-maids-of-honor-to-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff1f5fbf-2ddf-4452-87c3-ce1b25a901b0Post:39ff005f-a2e2-44fa-a114-fd673ef2f9f9">go from two maids of honor to one?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies, I am in need of some advice. When my fiance and I began wedding planning, we immediately began thinking of who would be in our wedding party. We had initally agreed on two maid of honors, two bridesmaids and the same amount of groomsmen<strong>. I had called my ladies and asked them each over the phone (which of course they all said yes)</strong>. Let me first clear something up before we dive into my problem. I'm living across the US from all of my friends and family who will be in and attending our wedding. Phone calls, mailing, and skype is really the way we are able to plan this wedding from across the nation. Now, one of the girls I chose for maid of honor pretty much doesn't stay in contact with me much anymore. I still want her to be in my bridal party, but moreso as a bridesmaid instead. I don't feel like she is going to really fulfill that role I initially gave and now my fiance and I would like to go with the more traditional (one honorary person each). I am currently in the middle of "officially" asking my ladies. I'm creating gifts to send in the mail to them with more info about the wedding and the question prompting them in  writing. Now, is it fair that I ask my second lady to just be a bridesmaid? How can I explain this to her gently? Any advice you ladies have is greatly appreciated!! <3 -fellow bride
Posted by katdel13[/QUOTE]

The bolded makes it sound like you already asked your MOHs to be MOHs. If that's the case, you did "officially" ask them--you asked, they answered. You can not "demote" her without ruining the friendship.

Honor attendants are called that simply because they are your absolute nearest and dearest. It is an HONOR (hence the title) you are giving them. It does not include throwing showers, parties, helping you plan your wedding, etc. All an MOH has to do is buy the agreed-upon dress and come to the wedding. If one MOH chooses to do more, great. If one does not, that is fine. And the fact that your FI would "demote" a best man just to keep even numbers if you decide to go through with this awful idea is ridiculous at best.

hoffse

Yeah this is really rude if she already thinks she's going to be your MOH.  The only "extra" things the MOH/best man sometimes do is witness the signing of the marriage license (if your state requires it), and the MOH will sometimes hold the bouquet for the bride during the ring exchange/vows.  Other than that, the position is the same as every other bridesmaid, which is showing up, dressed, sober, and ready to smile for pictures.

I don't live near any of my bridesmaids either, but this is not a problem.  It's not their wedding, it's mine.  I am planning it.  They have all ordered their dresses, and they will all be there ready to smile.  That's all they are required to do, and if they want to throw extra parties, etc. that is on them.  Same goes for your bridesmaids and maids of honor.  They don't have to do anything else, and they certainly don't have to talk to you about your wedding for the entire engagement.

misssunshine17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_go-from-two-maids-of-honor-to-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff1f5fbf-2ddf-4452-87c3-ce1b25a901b0Post:29de27ab-2d8c-4d26-b516-bf6ca679311f">Re: go from two maids of honor to one?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You can't demote her to bridesmaid. How would you explain it anyway? "I like you slightly less than I did a month ago, so you'll just be a BM instead of a MOH?" That's going to go over like a lead balloon. Once you aksed her, you asked her, there is no "officially" asking them. Since you are the bride and these ladies are doing you a favor, it would be gracious of you to keep in contact with them. When you do so, don't talk about wedding stuff, talk about friends stuff.</strong>
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>This, exactly. There's nothing different between a MOH and BM. Just leave it be, unless you want to look like a crazy bride for demoting/kicking someone out of your BP. </div>

Peledreamsofrain

Wow, your friend lost her friendship with you in just a month?  Just because her life probably got busy?  Holy Hannah, that is the coldest thing I've ever heard on this board.  And we've heard some doozies.

Demoting a MOH or a BM is the same as shaving her head while she's sleeping.  It's mean, vicious, and publically humiliating.  Also, it makes you look downright bad.

TheVirginians

Would you say to her "You're not my BFF anymore. You're my second in line BFF."? How would you like to hear this from a friend? Let it be.