Date postponed & totally Bummed

Kris10_NJ

Hi Ladies! I'm new here, so first off - Hello!! :)So my fiance/his parents have asked to postpone our wedding date.  Just got engaged 8/27 and wanted to book our church ASAP, as I was told it books quickly. We had set it for June 2010.  He has been talking about that time for the longest time!  We set the date with the church soon after getting engaged & we were sooo excited!Last week, FI expressed that he thought something changed between us.  He couldnt put his finger on it, but thought it had something to do with me spending time getting started with looking at vendors and not paying as much attention to him. We talked it out and all seemed fine.Then, his parents came back from overseas this past weekend, and at a dinner at their house, asked me how firm was our date? I was totally shocked by the question, since we let them know the date right after we got it and they seemed so happy.  Apparently there are some cousins from overseas that they'd like to invite, but the visa process to bring them over can take 12-15mo!!! They asked us to consider pushing it back, as it would mean a lot to them, and they also added that then we'd have more time to enjoy our engagement, plan and get $$ together, etc... I was so upset I could hardly enjoy dinner. I got so attached to the date, and there it was, being snatched from me before my eyes.  I sobbed for a while... (after going home of course, lol)I later asked my FI if he was as surprised by what his parents said as I was - to which he said, well....not really (which was news to me). Turns out he felt "stressed out" by my planning and said that maybe 9 months isnt enough time to plan a wedding and also enjoy the engagement.  I told him that I was so quick to plan because I wanted to ensure we could get what we want in the time we had....which brought him back to the "more time could be good" comment. So, I thought about it and waiting a little longer isn't the worst thing in the world, esp if it's going to make people happy in the end.  Besides, I reasoned that I had always wanted a December wedding anyway, so this could work out, I guess.  Since our June 2010 date is out, and we don't know what out new date will be, I feel like I'm "in limbo."  I almost can't even think about wedding planning now because I'm still sad about the orig. date.  It stinks, since this is supposed to be a happy time, but I just feel so deflated :(I feel like when I get a new date to look forward to, I'll feel 100x better.  I tried to bring this up to my FI (to get us talking about a new date) and he just gets frustrated and wants to know why a date is so important to me - why can't I just enjoy where we are now?  I feel like he just doesn't understand the importance of a date to me.  Or am I being too focused on a date?  I don't even know at this point if I'm being irrational or what.  HELP! please?I like Nov/Dec 2010 and he likes June 2011. 2011 just seems so far away........   

erikag23

this was way too long to read.

cvl105

Erika, be nice to the poor girl! lol I'm sorry all this is happening. But honestly, it sounds like he's just not ready for the big commitment.

I <3 Seabass

I honestly don't get the 'just enjoy being engaged' thing. Other than having a ring on my finger and preparing to drop a shitton of money nothing about our relationship has changed. So unless there's a reason, like saving money, finishing school, moving first, etc. I don't understand the waiting just to wait. IMO you get engaged and you start planning a wedding, otherwise what's the point of being engaged. Just my .02

I <3 Seabass

Oh and I agree with cvl, it sounds like he's not ready to make the commitment, which he should have thought about before he proposed.

alliecarrie41

first of all, im sorry for the stress.  planning should be fun, you should be a team, and while it does cause a bit of frustration at times, it should never lead to arguments or one of you being upset at the other.  i hope this settles in time. secondly, a date is a date is a date... it means nothing, to be blunt.  i mean, if you want to get married in the spring, get married in the spring.  it doesn't matter if it's may 15th or july 20th.  same thing.  however, if you want to get married NOW and he doesn't for years, you have a big problem.  2011 is not that far, but there is more going on here besides you looking at the year.  you are ready to get married, perhaps he is not.  perhaps his parents know this and are softening the blow.  perhaps you do need to be engaged longer and even check out counseling to make sure you're on the same page.  i'm jumping the gun and speculating, i know, but it's not a negative thing.  it can be very healthy and positive and work out for the best.  take it as a blessing, everything happens for a reason, use this time to make sure you are doing everything right for YOU and WITH new husband-to-be.

uppereastgirl

Huh? But if I'm understanding correctly, your in-laws sound completely reasonable?  "They asked us to consider pushing it back, as it would mean a lot to them, and they also added that then we'd have more time to enjoy our engagement, plan and get $$ together, etc..."   It sounds like those are lots of good reasons to put it off?  Does it really matter at the end of the day if you're married for that extra six months or not?

cvl105

how old are you guys btw?  maybe he's worried about being too young?

jess_and_paul

9 months isn't alot of time to plan a wedding. Can it be done? Of course... but honestly it's kinda nice to have the extra time!If your FI is already feeling neglected, it's going to get worse. The closer the wedding gets, the more intense the planning! Make sure you include him in the plans... then he'll feel less neglected.And i kinda have to agree with Chelsea that it seems like he might not be ready to make this commitment... but that's only something you would know.

Sinthya

what allie said

mbcdefg

I think you ARE too focused on the date, yes. Until you book your church and reception hall, your date isn't 100% set in stone anyway. My FI and I went through about 3 or 4 different dates before we finally settled on one. I think there's also cause for concern in your post, because right away it seems like you and your FI aren't really on the same page. You just got engaged about a week or two ago and already you are on the Wedding Train full-steam ahead ... whereas your FI wants to take some time to enjoy your engagement and make plans slowly together.  I think your FI might feel like you've taken over the plans just two weeks into the engagement and he's been left by the roadside. You need to slow down a bit, talk to each other and figure out what you both really want, then compromise from there. My reaction - give the wedding talk a rest for a couple of weeks. Enjoy the engagement for a while and both of you can calm down and get your thoughts together. Ask FI to write down about the things he REALLY wants from this wedding - a certain timeframe, an overall budget, the size of the guestlist, plus any little details he thinks would be cool (honeymoon spot, color scheme, a cool food station, whatever he wants). You do the same. Then compare lists and see what you agree on, and go with those things. For the things you don't agree on, either compromise or trade off ... you'll wait for those cousins to get their visas if he will agree to consider maybe March 2011 for the wedding instead of June.

tvlirene

I agree with pp. May be you should really pin him down and talk about whether he is ready to get married and what his thought process is. If it's to save money that's one thing, if he's not sure better to know now. Oh and sorry this happened and especially at dinner with fil's. Would have been much better if your fi talked to you privately about it.

Danes983

I understand where you are coming from. My FI was like OMG why are you getting so crazy about all of this.  Here is what I would say to him.  That you were happy to push  the date back and that you love him very much.  You really would prefer a Dec 2010 wedding and maybe he can compromise for you since you did for him. Also tell him that a date is important because you cant wait to be his wife and that nothing else in the world is better than you becoming his wife.  If he still doesnt get it then I would re-evaluate the situation.  Maybe he has something going on that you need to discuss again.

jtheiss

I'm sorry to hear that your plans are being put on hold. I can understand this must be frustrating for you. Have you had a serious talk with your FI about what's motivating all of this postponing? The "just enjoy the engagement" thing seems like a lame excuse to me and he shouldn't have proposed if he wasn't ready to plan a wedding. And I don't know where his extended family lives, but they shouldn't need a VISA to attend your wedding for the weekend. From what I understand, you only need a visa if you plan to live in the US for several months. Some select regions of the world might have more travel restrictions, but they should be able to come over for the wedding with just a passport and it won't take 12-15 months to get a passport. I could be wrong about that, but the postpone it for the relatives thing sounds like another lame excuse.Look, no one really knows what's going on here except for your FI. You need to ask him what's really going on and why he's not excited about planning the wedding. You might not like the answer, but at least you'll have the whole picture.On the other hand, if you turned into a big bridezilla the minute you set a date, maybe you need to look at your own behavior as well. He might be freaked out by this new psycho he's living with.

mbcdefg

Also, before you got engaged, did the two of you talk about how long you both wanted the engagement to be? Or is this the first time you're bringing it up?FI and I said that we'd both prefer about a yearlong engagement, so even though we'd talked about getting married for years (and I started doing some research a while back), he didn't give me a ring and officially propose until about 13 months before he wanted to actually get married. I have friends who got engaged on Christmas 2008 and haven't even set a date or location yet ... they're on the same page, which is great, but that would drive me and FI nuts. But it works for them, so fine. Did you bug him about getting engaged? I hate to say it, but there are some guys out there who will give their girlfriend a ring just to shut them up. I'm not saying this is your FI but the PPs have a point that he may not be ready to get married yet. Or he just thinks you're taking over the planning.

easchiel

Its not to far away and when your spending your life together a year goes by like nothing! Ive had a two year engagement and its been great and Im not in a rush to get married since we will be together no matter what. It allowed us time to be enjoy each other while planning slowly getting everything we wanted because it was so far in advance. Its not so bad to wait I think there is less stress involved Good Luck!

Kris10_NJ

Thanks everyone!  I really think I needed the reality check.  We're 24 & 25, so I don't think we're totally jumping the gun.  We've been talking about engagement and marriage for quite a while. I guess he just realized what a short amount of time 9 months is, and I in all my excitement went in full force planning mode and kind of freaked him out.  What matters in the end is that we are getting married ...  

Kris10_NJ

oh, and the fam is from the middle east, so they actually do need a visa...I questioned that too.  Before we got engaged, we talked about a yr-long engagement, so I guess I've been holding him to all his pre-engagement talk.  Lol, no I didn't beg him for a ring, BUT a few of his friends just got engaged too, so he could have felt pressure to jump on the engagement bandwagon (omg that sounds so bad) 

jaimelody

I agree with a lot of these posts. You're too worried about the date. While I think it's okay to do your research I think you and fi need to do the planning together and decide when you're ready to book the date time and place. When FI and I got engaged he gave me the same story about wanting to enjoy the engagement. Marriage is a big commitment. Rather than jumping to a date that forces you to plan things over night why not discuss a date with him that's enough in the future you have time to explore and learn new things about one another. The planning process can help you two to learn a out one another and how things will work in your marriage.

Meghana55

I agree with pps - you're way to focused on the date.  But it's also possible that your FI just isn't ready to commit and you should really discuss with him why he wants to postpone.Also, it absolutely does not take 12-15 months to obtain a visitor visa from the middle east

mrsdevilguy

Sorry to hear about the hold on your plans. Many of the girls have very good points with what they said here . And while I get that it shouldn't matter what date you pick if you agreed to a June 2010 wedding yes you would need to get a move on. Hopefully all works out and that you get your Decemeber wedding if that's what you want.

cher1980

wow all the responses were long too! I agree w/ them tho...a date is a date - all you have to worry about is that you are going to marry your FI...and yes enjoy your engagement....i miss it...i liked being a "bride to be" - it was def good times! So do not rush it and trust me 2011 will be here like tomorrow!And once you get to all the planning you will need the extra months! and i dont know why you got so upset when ur FILS wanted the whole family to be there to see the marriage of you and their son...you should he HAPPY ! There are FILs and family members that i read about that dont even come to their kids weddings...so you should def be happy...oh and Seabass -Love that you put .02!

inthelove03

i actually had to push my date back recently as well. turned out it was for the better.. but FI was feeling a bit sour about all of my planning in the begining as well. i think he did start to feel a bit neglected.. i have to keep myself in check so that i don't go nuts with the planning and i try not to go to him with every last detail. lol. good luck, it will all work out!

hollyberry88

Ahhh...being from the middle east, it could very well take that long to get a visa and permission for them to come to the wedding.  A lot can be said for a long engagement.  By the time I get married, I will be engaged a total of 29 months.  Did I enjoy being engaged?  Yes.  Do I also enjoy planning?  Yep.  I say throttle back.  Take what the girls here have suggested.  Start with finding out what season he is thinking of, then narrow it down to month.  Then both of you go to book the church (since that is important to you).  After that, take your time.  Maybe only plan 1 night a week.  Find out what is important to him...limos, the food/reception, music...and tell him HE is in charge of those things.  GL