Community› Local Wedding Boards› North Carolina
North Carolina
New Discussion

Dilemma, Need Help!

CJ4578CJ4578 member
First Comment
in North Carolina
Hi Ladies! I know I haven't been posting on here recently but I hope you'll excuse my absence and give me some help on an issue I'm having with my bridesmaids. I love them and they're not doing anything wrong, per se, but... how would you handle this situation? (Long, sorry!)

BM#1 is a long-distance friend who is also really good friends with BM#2. (Background on BM#2- her parents treat me like an extra child and are hosting my wedding {not paying for it, but letting us use their property to have it} and BM#2 actually bought my wedding dress for me as a wedding gift- she is basically a sister to me. But BM#1 is also a really good friend whom I love.)

BM#1 has a boyfriend who BM#2 kinda hates. There are sort of good reasons, in that the boyfriend treats our friend like crap and we think she deserves better. Regardless, of course I would invite boyfriend to the wedding with BM#1 since they've been together a while. Until. About 6 months ago a situation happened where the boyfriend found out something about BM#2 and sent really ugly texts to her in the middle of the night- and then BM#1 said that boyfriend and BM#2 probably shouldn't be around each other for "a while." Because she didn't know what boyfriend "would do." Well, my wedding is still 6 months away but BM#1 is trying to figure out travel plans and is wondering if boyfriend is invited. She says he'll be totally fine being at the wedding and would never do anything to cause a scene or whatnot. BM#2 however, is not convinced and really thinks he should be left at home. (And she's borderline afraid of him. I cannot figure out if she's overreacting like BM#1 says because I've not actually MET said boyfriend since BM#1 lives so far away.)

There's more of course but this is already too long! So... uh... how would you handle that? Any ideas? I'm hoping I just haven't thought of the right approach yet and it's a bit stressful being in the middle of all of them...

Thank you so much if you've managed to read this long! And I hope all is going well with everyone's planning!
-- C
image
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Report Reply to Post

Re: Dilemma, Need Help!

  • NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Im not sure if this is much help, but I would hope (especially for your sake) that regardless of what happend, everyone could act like adults and behave for one day.

    Has both of these girls actually talked to each other about the concern?
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • CJ4578CJ4578 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    They're sort of not really telling each other the whole truth but totally fine with telling me how they feel. Like, BM#2 will ask BM#1 about boyfriend/how he feels and BM#1 will ignore the question and change the subject. On her upcoming trip to visit BM#1, BM#2 was told she "probably shouldn't hang out with boyfriend." BM#2 took that to mean it was "unsafe" or something but apparently BM#1 just didn't want to stress her out since there's some other stuff she has to deal with during her trip. Did either of them tell each other? Nope. They tell me. (Fortunately this is literally the ONLY time they have ever put me in the middle about anything- I love them both dearly!)

    So I am HOPING that after BM#2 visits BM#1, she might feel better... but basically right now I'm just in the middle and both are clamoring for a decision from me. (And things keep happening such as I'll say "well she said she was uncomfortable because blah" and the other will go "I CANNOT believe she said blah!"  When, in reality, I thought they'd already discussed things. Basically I am making things worse. I have had a ton of FMIL drama lately and I just want to hide under my covers from this issue...)
    -- C
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Report Reply
  • CJ4578CJ4578 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Um, your bassett's yawn picture sequence totally just made my day so much better btw...
    -- C
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Report Reply
  • pirategal03pirategal03 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Invite BM1 with boyfriend.  Leave it up to BM1 if he comes.  Figure out a way to seat BM1 and boyfriend separately from BM2 if it would make BM2 uncomfortable to sit near boyfriend at the reception. 

    boyfriend sounds klassy.
    imageBlog
    Report Reply
  • NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Glad to hear Lucy helped ya out :)

    I agree, BF sounds like a Weiner ;)
    Wish I could offer more advice. 

    I think going ahead and leaving it up to BM1 to decide to bring BF is best option and just try and seat them seperately (if you're doing a seating chart)
    Hopefully both BMs will come to their senses soon and let you escape from being in the middle. Thats a toughy!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • CJ4578CJ4578 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Recent emails seem to imply they are both calming down. I'm going to chat with BM#1 on the phone tonight because I think hashing all this out over email is just plain difficult and I think better when I'm talking... BM#2 just flat out told me to invite him if I want to... we're not doing a seating chart, it's heavy hors d'ouevres, but you're right, hopefully everyone could just keep it sane for a couple hours (or, actually, the whole weekend since I am assuming he'll be at the rehearsal dinner, etc.)

    And yes, he's a piece of work. Apparently he's "very gentlemanly" in person but I have a hard time believing this... oh well, at the very least things will be interesting. Thanks for your advice!
    -- C
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Report Reply
  • momofaydenmomofayden member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If the boyfriend of one of my best freinds sent crappy text messages to me just to be an ass, what is to prevent me from thinking he won't do the same thing in person in his way to be funny or a jerk?  I would be poed at my best friend for letting her crappy boyfriend do that to me in the first place.

    But I would let them work it out.  I wouldn't get involved.
    Report Reply
  • CJ4578CJ4578 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Trying not to get too involved, it's just a question of whether she brings him to the wedding or not which they are both asking me to decide. I'm totally running to the "stay out of it zone" but they're following me there! :) Thanks for the advice though.
    -- C
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Report Reply
  • momofaydenmomofayden member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Start hidding from them. JK :)

    Invite BM1 with a guest and she can decide if he comes or not.Hopefully it will be NOT. If he does sit BM1+ douche boy and BM2 at different tables or at the polar opposite sides of the table.  Hopefully it's gets better and you won't hae to deal with it.
    Report Reply
  • cdriersoncdrierson
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    BM #1 really needs to grow some "balls" and tell her BF to not treat BM#2 that way, because BM#1 and BM#2 have been friends longer than the BF has been around.  And no matter what, BM#1 and BM#2 will continue to be friends in the event that BM#1 and BF marry or separate.  BM#1's BF should treat BM#2 with respect even though BF may not agree wtih some of the decisions that BM#2 has made. 

    I will not tolerate my FI talking to one of my friends with disrespect.  Yes, people have different values and morals, but as adults, we should respect others of those beliefs and not judge them for it. 

    That's just my 2 cents.  I didn't really solve your issue, but hopefully, it will work out. 
    Report Reply
  • hmz819hmz819
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    When is BM2 visiting BM1?  If it is fairly soon then I would tell both girls that why don't we wait until after that trip to see how everything goes.  After the trip is over the 3 of us can make a decision from there.  That shouldn't stop BM1 from making HER travel plans since she will be at the wedding regardless and if all goes well she can arrange for travel for dip sh$t after BM1 and BM2 have their visit.  Good luck!

    TTC#1 since April 2011
    IVF#1 July 2012 5R, 3 made it to blast, sET BFN
    FET#1 Aug 2012 2 blasts transferred BFN
    IVF#2 Oct 2012
    16R/6M/6F
    Beta 1-237.9, Beta 2-566, Beta 3-8657
    US 6w3d shows one baby w/ HB 115
    US 7w1d no more heartbeat/ D&C 11/30/12 normal karyotype
    IVF#3 Mar 2013
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic image
    Report Reply
  • midnite007xmidnite007x
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    can i hide under the covers with you too????

    i would stay out of it as much as possible, invite them both. for your sake (and since we are all adults) they should make the day about you and not cause issues amongst themselves.

    even though BM#2 is not comfortable around BM#1 boyfriend she needs to understand what kind of position she is putting you in by expressing this to you....its almost like she is wanting you to make a choice and not invite him. that isn't fair. she needs to put feelings aside and be the bigger person on your wedding day, this is about you and not about her.....the same thing goes for BM#2 and her boyfriend....they are there for you and need to realize that whatever issues they have with other people need to be put aside for the day.

    they can all act grown and keep their distances.....shouldn't be any decisions for you to make or issues for you to be involved in.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Amanda & Chad Bio Barefeet & Paws Blog Vacation
    Report Reply
  • sundrop24sundrop24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just wanted to say "Hey CJ, hope you're doing well!!"

    I agree, invite him and leave it up to BM#1 to deal with it.  He sounds like real class act... how could he come between two best friends?  And now trying to dismantle a wedding party. Hmmm.  But yes invite him, leave it up to her and don't worry about it too much.  They will act sane around your wedding weekend I am sure.  Sorry you are getting pulled into the middle. 
    Report Reply
  • FutureMrsFraserFutureMrsFraser
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_dilemma-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:2f548523-6aee-4add-8723-88017d627ff8Post:503a282d-778c-45a5-bc3c-7fe090b508d4">Re: Dilemma, Need Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]BM #1 really needs to grow some "balls" and tell her BF to not treat BM#2 that way, because BM#1 and BM#2 have been friends longer than the BF has been around.  And no matter what, BM#1 and BM#2 will continue to be friends in the event that BM#1 and BF marry or separate.  BM#1's BF should treat BM#2 with respect even though BF may not agree wtih some of the decisions that BM#2 has made.  I will not tolerate my FI talking to one of my friends with disrespect.  Yes, people have different values and morals, but as adults, we should respect others of those beliefs and not judge them for it.  That's just my 2 cents.  I didn't really solve your issue, but hopefully, it will work out. 
    Posted by cdrierson[/QUOTE]

    Agreed with this.
    Photobucket
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • CJ4578CJ4578 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the advice! I took most of it (I think) by getting out of the middle and just leaving it up to BM#1 to invite her boyfriend or not. I talked to BM#2 and just explained that I was getting myself out of the situation and leaving it up to them to work it out (or not) on their visit and she actually apologized for making it my problem. That was sweet of her.

    So... I am trying to stop worrying about that. Thanks again! And Hi back Sundrop!
    -- C
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards