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Premature sticky question

Ok, so FI is Jewish and I'm not. That's all cool with the families (YAY), and we've agreed to incorporate Jewish traditions into the wedding.

However.

The one thing FI feels VERY strongly about is the one thing I do NOT want to do. ...The hora. I have a serious thing about heights/being lifted up... and motion sickness. As in, going throug VA in a car is a very nasty business for me. Even slowly. ...It's just not pretty. (And I have family there. I like it much better when they come up here and I don't have to drive through the hills.)

I know, I know, we're not getting married until May of next year, but this is threatening to become a big issue. FI knows how I feel about it (heck, we were watching a DVD of a band, they did the hora, and I ended up under the desk, telling the floor how much I loved being on solid ground), he knows how I feel about people lifting me up (not that I think they'll drop me... more that I had some trauma from my younger years that makes it hard for me)... and yet he still wants to do it. I understand why he wants to do it - it's a huge tradition for him, and a lot of fun for someone 6'3" to finally get hoisted around. But I'm seriously terrified of the whole thing. (I'm sure the 3AM insomnia isn't helping, either.) I'm actually fairly sure I'd get violently ill during the ritual.

So, either somebody snap me out of this, or at least let me know I'm not alone.

...These are the things that get to me at 3 in the morning. My brain is FUN.

Re: Premature sticky question

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    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Can you do it where FI gets lifted up in the chair, but you stay seated in the chair on the ground? And everyone can still dance around you? Or maybe you only get picked up a few inches for a few seconds?

    There's a Jewish Weddings board here, so maybe ask those folks if they have some alternative suggestions? Or, if you have a rabbi you can talk to, ask him if there are any acceptable alternatives.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    The hora isn't just the lifting in the chairs - it's also people dancing in a circle.  I don't see why you can't do the circle dancing hora and just not get lifted in the chair? Just have your FI get lifted if he wants. 
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    TTC #1 since 4/10, Dx: MFI IVF planned for April/May
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    LolyalyssaLolyalyssa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Can you take a motion sickness pill?  Do they work for you?

    If its really going to freak you out then don't do it.  But be prepared that some of the Jewish guests may pressure you into it on the day of the wedding once you are on the dance floor and be prepared on what your response is going to be and make sure that FI takes a stance to support you.
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    Kris10_NJKris10_NJ member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    As PP said, maybe some Dramamine? It's only for a few mins, right?  It might just be worth it to suck it up for a few mins if it's something your FI has his heart set on.

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    edited December 2011
    Does FI need to be lifted? Maybe you guys can do the hora and skip the lifting part entirely. It is mostly dancing in a circle for the hora anyways!
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    JulepheniaJulephenia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'll keep talking to him about it. We're not likely to have a rabbi - we're just incorporating elements. I suggested that he gets lifted and I get to stay on the sweet, sweet ground... he rejected that idea.

    Dramamine would rock... except it knocks me out. Quite convienent for plane travel, but not so good on my wedding day!

    Thanks, ladies! Insomnia does funny things to my head!
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    DMLJDMLJ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    yeah- I would not suggest dramamine cause it knocks me out too

    I think you really need to have a serious convo about how this one particular part of the day is causing you so much anxiety..... Hopefully you can come to a compromise like he gets lifted and you don't.  After all, your not Jewish so I wouldn't think it odd that you did not participate.

    image
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    edited December 2011
    Hm. I wonder if there is some other reason that either you are unaware of or not sharing as to why you would be so against this. 

    I too get very car sick and am actually very afraid of heights - but doing the hora and being lifted up in a chair during a traditional celebratory dance is not on my list of "never will I be able to do."

    I think it's great that the others offered advice of taking dramamine - but that seems really extreme. Going on a cruise? Sure! But for a dance at a wedding? Seems like overkill. It's great that they offered that advice - but really - is it necessary?

    Are you deep down afraid that they will drop you? Do you not want to be the center of attention and lifted up in the air? Do you not know the hora (I don't) and don't want that to be pointed out?  

    As it stands now - you might be overacting just a tad. Going down to the floor and talking to it after watching a DVD is overly dramatic.

    Think about why you REALLY don't want to do it. If there is a real issue - then just don't do it. If you just don't want to do it cause it's easy to say "I don't want to do it" - think about how that affects what your FI wants for his wedding. Now, you may not care and you still may be against it, as you have every right to be. But it just sounds a little off.

    As a person that is very anti heights and car rides in the back seat due to puking, it sounds like a weird excuse. Either embrace it and see it as a once in a lifetime fun experience, or just stand your ground and don't make a somewhat-weird cover story.

    Is there anything that you are dead set on (did I read a post about pirate themed and choreographed fight? Maybe that was someone else?) that you are doing that FI is not cool with? Could you both cut out your wants or both agree, even if both parties are somewhat uncomfortable with the other's choices?

    Are there statistics for how many brides do fall off of chairs or puke during the hora? (I'm being serious here, haha) I think relationships and choices in life (and for weddings) are about compromise - and this can be an early exercise for you two as a couple.
    image Tuffy
    RIP Little Man October 15, 1995 - June 1, 2010
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    JulepheniaJulephenia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Of course I'm dramatic -  I'm an actress. :P  That and I'm just weird. I've been known to yell at walls for bumping into me.

    The pirate theme was my dad's joke of an idea, but I do stage combat, so both FI and I would LOVE to throw something like that into the wedding, just for kicks. (Now, my father is having throwbacks to HIS wedding, where a REAL fight happened... and he's asking me to not even stage something silly. Which is actually kind of grrr, because my stage combat friends and I could do something so fun!)

    I'm not hiding anything, here. I am genuinely terrified of the whole hora idea. I've been to Jewish weddings, to bar and bat mitzvahs (c'mon, I grew up by Cherry Hill!)... it's not that I don't know it. It quite literally is a terrifying prospect to me. We live on the second floor of a building because I refused to consider living above the 7th or 8th floor. Height is a HUGE deal for me. I willingly allow two people in my life to pick me up on a regular basis -  FI and my father. The latter can't do it anymore, I got too close to his height, and FI only does it when I specifically say so. Sometimes, on stage, I've let other guys pick me up, but only once I trust them. And I know, I'm tiny, but I cannot tell you how many times classmates or even kids I babysat picked me up to show off how "strong" they were - and it didn't end well. It's a control issue, I guess.

    I'm not kidding when I say the only height I like to have is the kind I get with high heels. You don't want to see me on one of those open-riser staircases. I can get up them, but it isn't pretty. I know it seems silly to a lot of people, but this dance truly freaks me out. And FI has been looking forward to it since he knew what it was. So... yeah. It's looking like this will be our "big issue" - we agree on a lot of other things about weddings, or can compromise, and this... heck, I even suggested letting his sister do it, because she doesn't mind!

    I have the strangest phobias.
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    DMLJDMLJ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not so strange-- I am afraid of birds--- that it strange!

    What if you plan to have the men that you have come to trust be the ones to actually hold you and talk to them about not lifting you above like sholder level, that way you really can't fall.  Maybe practice before hand with these people to alleviate your nervousness.
    image
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    edited December 2011
    Hey girl, I hear you.  I'm terrified of heights, but since I'm Jewish, I've been forced to be lifted in the chair a few times (my Bat Mitzvah, my brother's Bar Mitzvah, etc.).  I'm definitely not a fan, but I found that being lifted in a chair with arms makes a difference (I feel way more comfortable - it's much harder to fall off one of the sides), as well as being lifted by people who know what they're doing (it's a million times better if they know to tilt the chair slightly back, so you're less likely to fall out of the front).  Remember too, it's only for a minute or so (and probably less than that).

    If you're dead set on not doing it, you're best off telling your FI, his family, and your DJ/band.  I can guarantee you that people in your FI's family are going to request it if it's not already been played (it's such a standard for Jewish weddings - even if the ceremony isn't a Jewish one).  If it is played, I don't think you'll have much of a choice about going up in the chair or not.  Someone will bring the chair out to the floor, and you'll end up being pushed into it, and then you'll be up in the air.  (I know it sounds terrible, but I've been there - no matter how much I protested, it happened anyway.)  So I would have the hora on the "don't play list" to avoid it altogether.
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    edited December 2011
    I'm scared of heights too - I know the feeling! It's not fun!

    I think Melanie is correct - it might need to be added to the "do not play" list then - cause if it is played, there is a good chance you'll be going up. The idea of a chair with arms is also really good advice.

    Practice if you can in advance? Or, see if in the next year+ you can your fiance can come to agreement on this. He might forget about it, or you may decide it's not all that bad.

    Good luck in reaching middle ground!
    image Tuffy
    RIP Little Man October 15, 1995 - June 1, 2010
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    edited December 2011
    I really don't think it needs to be analyzed why you are afraid to be lifted up and don't want to do it. No prof. counseling needed, lol. It's how you feel end of story. I would say that these are your options:

    1) Do the dance in the circle and don't get lifted up. I am jewish and it is perfectly acceptable to honor the tradition this way. Fi should be happy that you are compromising and willing to incorporate his traditions into your reception. My Fi is catholic and we are also using traditions from both religions into our wedding, so believe me, I understand the dilemmas!

    2) Get really drunk and it will be over before you know it!!!

    No worries :)
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_premature-sticky-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:c1f25577-c4d9-468f-9c64-9b01085a991bPost:66ede797-806b-455f-8cbf-c7428d4661bb">Re: Premature sticky question</a>:
    [QUOTE]2) Get really drunk and it will be over before you know it!!! No worries :)
    Posted by MandWNJ[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Haha love it

    </div>
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    JulepheniaJulephenia member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    2 isn't an option. I don't drink. (Long story. Suffice to say, I never have, and I get loopy off of FIs beer breath.)

    1 sounds like an excellent option, and I will certainly bring it up with him! (Much more fun, too - I get to dance. We're building our whole reception on dancing!)
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