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FMIL Issues! LONG!

I could really use some advice here....

To start out, my FMIL is engaged also & has been for over 2 years, her & her FI had not set a date though....the first thing she says when FI and I got engaged is "you cant get married before me!" And as soon as our date was set10-23-10 she sets her for 10-10-10(just a short 13 days before ours) Call be a brat, but I was FAR less than pleased at her attempt to steal our thunder, but I held it in for FI. Then when she offers to pay for our photographer, I really couldnt complain because it's quite a bit of money, though I was quite irritated when we went to meet with the photographer & she booked the EXACT same package as us & asked for a 2 for 1 deal!! But still, I kept my mouth shut. When she went on to order her dress from the same ebay seller as me, I still said nothing.(she even considered the same dress as me, which was where I drew the line) Shes not exactly computer smart, so I have been doing all of the cooresponding with the dress maker for her, along with finding her a caterer, table rentals, entertainment, cake, etc. Still just trying to be a perfect daughter in law. Her wedding is going to be a small(50 guests) backyard wedding, whereas ours will be 200 guests & a sit down dinner reception, but I still can not help but feel like it is OUR time, she has been married twice before & It hurts my feelings a little bit, there our other problems with the 2 weddings being so close also, out of town guests are not going to be able to make 2 trips so close together & FI is the best man at her wedding, and she constantly reminds me that she needs help from him, my thought is UHHHH he has his own wedding to deal with.UGH!
     My most recent issue is that she calls me yesterday wanting to do a pre wedding photo shoot of the 2 of us in our dresses when hers arrives. I see SO many reasons why this is a bad idea! What if something happens to the dress?? Will it ruin the magic of wearing my dress on my wedding day?? But shes insisting & FI says I have to because of how much she is paying for the photographer....


Is it time for me to really put my foot down??
Also is there anything I can say or do to make her see why our weddings being so close is a bad idea?
Am I being a total brat & I should just be happy for her?

Re: FMIL Issues! LONG!

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    edited December 2011
    Yes you need to put your foot down. I would be PISSED if she planned her wedding 2 weeks before my own. Hopefully your fiance's family decides to come to your wedding and not to her 3rd wedding.

    Do not do the photos before your wedding if you are uncomfortable doing it. If she thinks you need to bc she is paying for your photographer let  her know that you will pay for your own photographer. It is a nice gesture, but strings shouldn't be attached to it.
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    ellenalabamaellenalabama member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Grrrr!  I HATE when people use helping you pay for stuff as a way to control what you do.  Having her wedding 2wks before you is tacky (hello esp 3rd wedding).  While I don't think there is anything you can do about her wedding being so close DO NOT do photo shoot with her!  My instant thought when I read that was, and especially since her wedding is first, is that somehow she is going to make it that your FI sees the pictures!  How pissed would you be if she ruined the surprise of your dress!!!!  I've said it before and I will say it again juju!  You DO NOT want any of her BAD WEDDING JUJU on your dress!!!

    As far as putting your foot down....um I say you put it UP instead! hehe  Btw, why isn't your FI sticking up for you with all of this?  After all, it's his mom and he really should be telling her that she's being ridiculous and not you!  That way you aren't looking like the beoch;)
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_fmil-issues-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:3d3ac2af-177b-4401-978c-05fea222ab18Post:a3e51406-9da0-4182-bd55-22be80461a1b">FMIL Issues! LONG!</a>:
    [QUOTE] Is it time for me to really put my foot down?? Also is there anything I can say or do to make her see why our weddings being so close is a bad idea? Am I being a total brat & I should just be happy for her?
    Posted by kikkitykatie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>There's not much you can do about her wedding being so close to yours unless one of you reschedules (and that is probably not likely), but I would firmly let her know you don't feel comfortable doing the "pre-wedding" photo shoot. IMO, when you accept money from parents for your wedding, they are entitled to some input - but demanding that you do this photo session is taking it too far. If you can't get out of it, hire your own photographer.  

    </div>
    Anniversary
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah...I would go and find another photographer and just try and make the best of this situation. It sucks that she is being this way! But you need to keep being the bigger person. I do agree that demanding the Pre-Wedding Photo's is out of line so even if you don't get your own, I would stand my ground on that...humm...maybe your dress is UNAVAILABLE for any of the times she sets :)
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    edited December 2011
    i think you should put your foot down because it seems like as you all get closer to october it might get more out of control.  just curious, where does you fi stand in all of this?
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    MNVegasMNVegas member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    It is unfortunated your FMIL is acting this way. A few things I have learned about weddings:
    1) You can't control what other people will do. If someone wants to schedule a wedding 2 weeks before yours, they have every right to do that no matter how rude it is to other people. Just foocus on your own wedding.
    2) If you don't want someone to copy your wedding plans, then don't tell them everything you are planning and the vendors you are using.  Since you are helping FMIL find vendors just use different ones than the vendors you picked. Glad you stood your ground on the dress.
    3) If you don't want people to have a say in your wedding, then don't take money from them.
    Money always comes with strings attached.

    Tell your FMIL that you would rather not do pictures prior to the wedding for any number of reasons.  You are having a much larger wedding so you will still have 150 more people attending your wedding and chances are the people who are invited to both will go to your wedding. They are probably tired of going to weddings where your FMIL is the bride! Also just because you are both having same photo package, the photos will be totally different because of the people in them.  They will be YOUR photos!

    You should also have a talk with your FH. If he is not willing to support you with decisions now, what is going to happen after the wedding when MIL and you disagree.

    Wishing you the best of luck with this situation. Stay strong and stand up for yourself.  

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_fmil-issues-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:3d3ac2af-177b-4401-978c-05fea222ab18Post:513c409d-fc90-43e7-b3ee-502c7efec320">Re: FMIL Issues! LONG!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is unfortunated your FMIL is acting this way. A few things I have learned about weddings: 1) You can't control what other people will do. If someone wants to schedule a wedding 2 weeks before yours, they have every right to do that no matter how rude it is to other people. Just foocus on your own wedding. 2) If you don't want someone to copy your wedding plans, then don't tell them everything you are planning and the vendors you are using.  Since you are helping FMIL find vendors just use different ones than the vendors you picked. Glad you stood your ground on the dress. 3) If you don't want people to have a say in your wedding, then don't take money from them. Money always comes with strings attached. Tell your FMIL that you would rather not do pictures prior to the wedding for any number of reasons.  You are having a much larger wedding so you will still have 150 more people attending your wedding and chances are the people who are invited to both will go to your wedding. They are probably tired of going to weddings where your FMIL is the bride! Also just because you are both having same photo package, the photos will be totally different because of the people in them.  They will be YOUR photos! You should also have a talk with your FH. If he is not willing to support you with decisions now, what is going to happen after the wedding when MIL and you disagree. Wishing you the best of luck with this situation. Stay strong and stand up for yourself.  
    Posted by MNVegas[/QUOTE]
    Add this to my response!!

    Well put MNVegas! :)
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    10/29/11 LA RockNRoll Min Half (5K) 42:58
    12/4/11 Vegas RockNRoll Half 3:14:53
    1/7/12 WDW Half 3:13:42
    1/15/12 RnR AZ 2:55:27 (PR!!)
    1/29/12 Tinkerbell 1/2 3:22:37 (To many picture stops!lol)
    Me:32 DH:33
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    RachNRichRachNRich member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto what MNVegas said---she put it very well. 

    If your FMIL continues to ask you to do wedding related things either for her or with her, kindly let her know what you are busy (and if you are not, you can always clean your house or do some laundry!!). Most importantly, stop discussing your wedding plans with her--just like MNVegas said. 

    Does your FI know how you feel? If not, I suggest talking with him about it. Calmly. No yelling. It's his place to deal with his mother when she oversteps boundaries. 

    Good luck!
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    cinegradcinegrad member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    There's not a whole lot more for me to add.  I'm with Ellen & MNVegas 110%.  I can appreciate the awkward position you're in, which is why I can only reiterate the same question as a few PPs...where's your FI on this?

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    edited December 2011
    why would SHE want a pre-wedding dress picture?  i mean, its crazy enough that she expects you to do one, but i can't figure out why she would want one in the first place.  maybe suggest doing a trash-the-dress session AFTER both weddings.  that makes alot more sense to me if she wants to have 'we're both in a white dress!' bonding time.

    also, i don't believe that if someone gives you money they get any say in your wedding...but that's not the popular opinion, i know.  and, if my parents or in-laws felt that way, i'd rather not have the money.  so, if i were in your shoes, i would be refunding her any deposit she paid on my behalf and i'd be booking my own photographer.  especially in Vegas - so many great photographers have crazy inexpensive packages!
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    edited December 2011
    Everyone on this board must be so patient, I wouldn't put up with this for one minute, it's ludicrous.  If it were me, I'd tell the fiance to get her under control.........period.  Not negotiable.
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    tigerlily25tigerlily25 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You should move your wedding date up so its before hers. Haha Im evil....
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    edited December 2011
    CPBride-- I agree with you. I would actually be telling my husband that he needs to deal with his mother probably in not such a nice way.
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    kikkitykatiekikkitykatie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    oh my gosh guys thanks for all the support! I was totally expecting at least a couple people to tell me I was being a brat...guess not... HAHA

    And as far as FI's point of view, he is 100% supportive of me & he is constantly asking me if I want him to do something about it.....He even told me he would tell her she cant have her wedding on 10-10-10....But it all boiled down to me trying to be nice & trying to be a good future daughter in law....I REALLY didnt want to start out our relationship on bad terms.
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    cinegradcinegrad member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can understand the "not wanting to start out on bad terms", but you also don't want to set the stage for future interactions like this one.  If she gets the sense that you're a doormat now, maybe she'll think she can always treat you this way.  That's why I asked about your FI.  As long as he doesn't say, "Well, Katie thinks that you should..." (and if he's 100% supportive, I don't think he'd throw you under the bus like that), then I would think it would be fine.  But, maybe I'm not the best advice-giver in this particular situation because 1) my FMIL is amazing (it's my own mother I have to work on sometimes, lol) and 2) I've been known to prefer relationships of true discomfort rather than fake peace (if that makes any sense).
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