Hypothetical Problem (Long as usual)

Beth0882

So, let's take this hypothetical situation and see what all your reactions would be:

Scenario--FI's parents are from a semi-small NC town ("Town") and have a lot of friends FFIL grew up with in Town.  FILs want to invite lots of these friends to wedding, and you and FI add as many as you can to invite list without having to worry about capacity.  Turns out a lot of FIL's friends can't come to wedding anyway because another resident of "Town" is getting married same day.  So one of the friends says she wants to host a party/cookout for FI and you since most of the friends won't make the wedding.  You and FI accept and FI discusses dates, etc. with FMIL.  FI asks FMIL if this is something your parents would also be invited to (as it is wedding related).  FMIL responds that we can invite who we want to (although there really isn't anyone else).  You are sitting next to FI as he has this conversation and hear his responses.  You tell your parents about party/cookout and arrange to drive together.

Fast forward a few weeks and FMIL calls and you answer phone instead of FI.  FMIL confirms date of party/cookout.  You say "FI said you said it was open invite and my parents are welcome to attend.  Is that right?" (just to double check).   FMIL responds "Well....this is really just a party for Town people, and FFIL is wanting it to be a party with his Town friends only."  You say "Wellll FI said you said it was open invite so I already told my parents they were invited so this might be a problem."  FMIL responds with "Well FFIL was pretty adamant that this party was was only to be his Town friends so I'll have to check with him."  You tell FMIL you will let her talk to FI about it and throw phone at FI.  FI reminds FMIL of conversation but you can't hear most of what is said.  FMIL tells FI she will see what she can do. 

So....here are my questions:

(1) (the easier one) After FMIL said it was open invite and your parents were welcome, would you be upset that she apparently forgot this conversation (or just decided she wanted to change her answer) and you may now have to tell your parents they are not invited?

(2) IF FMIL had never told FI your parents were welcome (like that convo never happened) would you still be upset that your parents were not invited to a wedding related event?  Do you think it is customary to invite both sets of parents (or say both moms to any girls only shower) and FILs are being unreasonable that it is for Town firends only....or is it not customary, so that this is normal??

(3) How mad/insulted/hurt would your parents be if they found out about this and that they were not actually invited?  How would you tell them without making them be very mad at FILs?

Discuss...

emcardillo

I'd be pissed if my future in-laws had a wedding related function and said my parents couldn't come (especially since you asked FI and he said they could!)  Your families are joining, there is no need to cut ppl out just bc they didn't "grow up" together. That's like your mom throwing you a bridal shower and telling FMIL, "well, it's for my daughter, our family and family friends only, sorry." 

Sorry you're in that situation. That really sucks. Hope this helps you out a little, or at least makes you feel better. My FMIL keeps trying to put random ppl IN my wedding...ugh!

pirategal03

1) Yes.

2) I wouldn't be upset, and I wouldn't expect both sets of parents to attend every wedding related thing.  It's ok for some things to be separate.

3) I'd just tell them the truth and not worry about if it makes them mad at your FILs.  FMIL and FFIL are throwing this party, they originally said that y'all were welcome to come, but I think now that they've evaluated the guest list and the cost they want to keep it just Town friends.  Y'all wouldn't know anyone but us and FILs anyway, it would probably be really uncomfortable since FFIL is planning on spending the whole time with his Town friends.

Beth0882

thanks for the super fast responses   I was trying to make it "hypothetical" since I whine a lot about my FILs and also because its pretty much been resolved (they will be invited).  I just didn't know if I had ovvereacted because I really think I would have been upset (and my mom prob would have been too) if they hadn't been invited at all, even if tey hadn't said they could be in the first place.  But I don't know whats customary in situations like that.

(But I was so mad that I was debating between telling FI I wasn't going if my parents weren't invited and still going but telling my friend who is throwing my shower to take FMIL and FI's aunts off the invite list because the shower would be for MY friends only -- luckily I didn't have to actually decide if I wanted to do either of these things!)

Pinky09

I would be pissed, I also think both sets of parents should be invited to a major wedding function. I say tell FI to tell FMIL, to suck it and your parents are coming. Does it really matter if 2 extra people come, I don't think so. haha but as always, I'm super honest and blunt. oh well...good luck!

shigaites

I would have been pretty pissed.  Not so much that they didn't want my parents there, but that they extended an invitation and then revoked it.  That's just rude imo regardless of what people are involved.

CJ4578

Hey Beth, that's an irritating situation, and yes, I would definitely have been pissed. I'm confused why just 2 extra people would cause them to go over the guest list or something, but I guess I can see if they were worried about that... well, I would still be pissed.

My mom gets her feelings hurt really easily and is kind of fragile (she's older than FI's parents and is single and tends to rely on me a lot.) If FI's family did that to her I would probably have to do everything possible to make sure she could come and would know nothing of the situation, otherwise it would turn into major drama for months afterwards. She's prone to drama (when I moved away from home after college she told me I was "forsaking her.")

My dad wasn't invited to my couple's shower, however, because we're not close and FI's aunt didn't think to send him one. I realized that a little later and called to apologize, and he was basically like "whatever." He didn't care. So my answer to #3 would depend on the parent's attitude towards situations like this.

Glad you got it figured out though, and they'll be invited!

alliegator8

I would be upset too.  If it's a mojor wedding thing, I want my parents there regardless of what it is.  When FI's family threw me a bridal shower in Michigan, FMIL (without even telling me) contacted my mom to invite her out.  She thought it would be a wonderful surprise for my mom to be there.  And that meant a lot because she knows how close my parents and I are.

So yes, I would expect my parents to be invited to attend.  And pp is right, you guys are joining families.  Why wouldn't they want your parents there?  Without the 2 of them, there would be no you.

Of course I also think it is so rude to uninvite someone like that, especially your parents!