Can I be a little bit mad? (lLong rant inside)

j_jaye

I want to preface this post with sharing that the people involved are in no way malicious and are just young and excited.

Ok so FBIL got engaged last week whilst on holiday. We were extremely happy and excited to hear. FMIL gives me a call yesterday (we have a very good relationship) to let me know FBIL & his FI dropped by to discuss wedding plans. It seems they want to get married in Vegas. I said how exciting...we will get to do two trips within 12 months!

She then drops the bomb...no they want to get married while we are all over there for your wedding. I was first a bit shocked but after a minute I was oh well thats ok as long as they don't want a double wedding (insert worried laughter).

FMIL goes on to explain that the wedding they are planning sounds exactly the same as ours and that they want to do it the day before ours. We have shared some details of the wedding with them since FBIL will be a GM. They even plan on using the outfits we have purchased for the GM's (FI's brother's) for their wedding. They are even doing a buffet reception (a different one to ours but still). They asked FMIL which company we booked our wedding through.

Apparently they plan to invite all of my family and our friends to their wedding (so as not to be rude) but I really don't think my family will want to go to a strangers wedding (mum, dad and my sister will but they know the FBIL & his FI). I also feel that we will be expected to invite all of their extra friends and her family to our wedding (there goes the budget). They also are a lot younger (there is 10 yrs difference between Fi & FBIL and 14 years difference between me and the other bride) so their crowd of freinds are going to be a lot different from ours (young, carefree and single compared to married with kids)

I understand their reasoning that all the relatives will be making the trip so this is more cost effective for the guests and they really generally think it will be fun and exciting and great. There was talk of joint hens/bucks nights and meet and greets.

Now I don't have a problem with someone having a wedding the same week as me...even in the same DW location but the exact same wedding the day before?
FI however thinks it is a fantastic idea (he isn't much into weddings and wedding details and probably didn't take in the similarities between the two weddingd. He would have gotten married on our lunch hour at the registry office if it was what I wanted).
 We haven't had a chance to discuss it in depth yet due to work but I wanted to rant first and then get some good ideas on how to put my case across without sounding like a MEMEME bride.

My main concerns/insecurities are:
- everyone will be hung over on our wedding day and wont enjoy our wedding
- I will look like a copy cat
- she is way younger and slimmer and I will look like a fat old hag the day after (especially if tired) 
- I wont enjoy my wedding as I will feel like I have just done it (which I would have) and that I wont be able to enjoy their wedding either (as I do want to be happy for them on their day)
- that people will make comparisons (which everyone does and will do anyway) but that I or mum or someone else might actually hear them (like at dinner saying well the Elvis yesterday was much better  or the bride looked better etc).
- there are sooooo many wedding choices why do they have to pick the same?

I am feeling a little ripped off and really would consider scrapping the whole thing but I think that will make me look like a baby and I really like my wedding and it is what I worked hard to plan. Plus we have paid for a lot of things in full (to take advantage of the current exchange rate $1 to $1 instead of $1 to $0.7) so cancelling our wedding would be a real hassle.

I know everyone will say to get FI to talk to his brother but I don't think it will work. I am going to ring FBIL's FI and talk to her but I want to have a clear head when I do with points written down. We are "friends" and they stay with us when they are in town and we have been on trips together so I feel ok within our relationship to talk straight to her.

Ok end of rant but any suggestions would be appreciated. And please tell me to get over it if that is the truth.

Thanks in advance.

Sara191431

I have to think for a second on suggestions for you, but I just had to say, are you f'ing kidding me.  I'd be extremely upset, not to mention livid.  Makes no sense to me why they would do that, cost effective or not.  What a way to take away from your day.  I'm probably not helping here though.  I'm just amazed.

Oh and you will NOT look like a fat hag!  I've got to think others in your family don't think this is right for them to do either no....?

j_jaye

I think FMIL is a bit miffed by it. Unfortunately FI has a really small family (only one aunt and uncle who live clear across the country) so not many people around to chime in!

They really aren't horrible just very young.

And thanks for the positive comments but unfortunately she really is one of those gorgeous slim people that you want to hate but is so sweet and nice that you can't. Friends pick her out in pictures all the time and go wow who is that!

direy25

Honestly I don't have any suggestions, I'd be pretty upset. Seriously?? The day before?? Sorry, I'm not helping either. I just don't even know what to say...

erinkay81

Could you just be honest and tell them all of what you posted? Of course staying calm. But OMG- not sure I'd be staying calm! This is crazy! I would be so upset and you have EVERY right to be upset.
Key points that you mentioned that I think you have every right to mention to her are:
-people being hung over on your wedding day
-you looking like you "stole" her ideas (but really your ideas)
--these next two I copied and pasted--
- I wont enjoy my wedding as I will feel like I have just done it (which I would have) and that I wont be able to enjoy their wedding either (as I do want to be happy for them on their day)
- that people will make comparisons (which everyone does and will do anyway) but that I or mum or someone else might actually hear them (like at dinner saying well the Elvis yesterday was much better  or the bride looked better etc).

I would contact her ASAP. Tell her your thoughts. And honestly maybe she just has no idea of how to plan a wedding. Probably doesn't and likes the idea of yours...Not that this is an excuse. Maybe you could offer to help her think of some ideas that are "hers" so that your weddings are not so similar... UGH! I am so sorry. What a bunch of crap!

vegasgroom

What's your FI's take on this?

I can't give you a useful opinion on the issue because I'm an only child, but I can tell you that I get along really well with my FI's brother and I'd be pretty pissed off if he came to me, or even wrose if he had their mom come to me, and say they're going to get married in the same destination place the day before.  Of course I feel pretty confident in saying my FMIL would think that was about as stupid an idea as I do and it would have never gotten off the ground.

Either way, sorry you're having to deal with this, I think it's a ridiculous situation to put you in.

lsvensson

I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with solutions for you, but let me just say...I am LIVID on your behalf.  Young or not, that is a lapse of common courtesy and you have every right to rant (and express your thoughts about the whole situation to your FI, who should be the one to fight the battle with his brother).  So sorry to hear about the crap situation they've caught you in!

vfriday

You have every right to be pissed.  Be up front with the couple about your concerns.  Every bride deserves to feel special on her wedding day and having someone copy your plans will take away from your day.  I think if you talk bride to bride she might get it and come up with her own ideas.

j_jaye

Thanks guys

Erin- yes I agree I think she is just too young to understand planning a wedding and wants a memorable party! I was worried about suggesting alternatives because I didn't want to make her feel bad or put her off having her wedding.

Vegasgroom- I don't think FI relaises that the weddings will be the same...he is ok with the concept of them having a wedding though (as am I).

FMIL is very non-confrontational. It took her 20 years to finally leave a very bad marriage so I don't think she will say anything directly. My sister has offered to fly over to where they live and tell her the facts lol (love my sister).
 
I am a bit of a chicken as I really don't want to come off as the bad guy. FI's siblings are all boys and all single (except for the newly engaged one of course) so I am afraid I will looking overly demanding.

jccswl

I can see that you're trying to be the bigger person and understanding too. It makes sense that you'd want to not be mean in sharing the same DW since the same family (at least on your FI side) will be there. So, it doesn't make you a terrible person and you certainly get a pass on feeling what you're feeling about everything else. I'm sorry that you're in this predicament, and offer no solutions. Plz voice your concerns with your FI first, then your FBIL and his FI, and hopefully they can come into some sort of better situation.

wiwicaty

Are you kidding??????????? I would be screaming furiously, jeez of all the places and days they have to arrange a copy-cat wedding the day BEFORE yours? Give me a break! I'm not the most confrontational either, j_jay, but boy would I lose my freaking control with them! What kind of brother/family does that!! You MUST put your foot down and stop this madness before it actually happens! 

See, how furious I am only hearing about this... this is my advice, I guess.

magic34k

OMG is all I can say. I have a similar situation, but in reverse.

My sister and I were engaged 2 months apart. She started planning a wedding in Oregon and I always knew Vegas was my location. When planning came, Oregon was going to be too expensive, So she and her FI decided on Vegas.
We then decided since we both live far away, we could do weddings back to back or something. My sister and I didn't think it was going to be an issue. We both would save money and it would be fun to plan together. 

Well.. the men both felt that they were making too many comprimises, so now we are having weddings 5 months apart, both in Vegas.

There is no jealousy between us, as we are both doing something very different.

Maybe if my sister and I were doing something very similar, i would have different feelings, but on the other hand, if it was a friend I would be very angry. As much and you dont want to be a MEMEME, it is all about you!!

I think it is very inconsiderate, especially to take all the focus from your wedding.

Hopefully a conversation will help, and I am sorry!

vegasbride2011

are they serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think you should should just be very honest with them,your wedding is a very special day!!!!! and i'm not sure if the guests would even be bothered with 2 weddings !
my brothers GF keeps joking saying her family think they might run off to the little white chapel while in vegas for my wedding and i wasnt too long in putting her straight that there will only be ONE family wedding whilst we are in vegas.
once you've spoken to them they will probably realise it's actually not that good of an idea to have both weddings a day apart.
i hope you get it sorted x

Gribbles

I would also be livid. How dare they piggyback their wedding onto yours, and even ask to use the same vendors! Sounds like they are too lazy to plan a wedding and want the easy option. How would she feel in the same situation?

I would definitely tell her you are not comfortable with the idea before they get too excited about it and start making plans.

Unbelievable.

easullins

Wow, I am just shocked after reading your post.  I would be absolutely furious and defeintely not as calm and rational as you appear to be.

Since you are comfortable speaking with FBIL's FI, I would start there.  Bride to bride, she should realize that she is completely taking away from your special day.

bcschuman

I would be beyond pissed... probably to the point that I would have paced through my carpet and bit all of my finger nails off actually.  I thought that my FI's ex-wife wanting to come to our wedding (uninvited) was bad... but this takes the cake.  Sorry you are dealing with this!

My suggestion is to sit on it for a few days... talk it over with your FI and make him understand how this is the weekend that you BOTH chose to marry.  I agree with above poster that you need to just say what you put in your original post... if they make this into their weekend too then it will lose the intimate wedding feel that you want.

Did they ask you if it was okay they did this or did they just start planning?  Did you have things planned for the day that they want to get married?  Rehersal? Meet and greet?  If you have to start rearranging your wedding for them... that is where I would draw the line.

Good luck!

wiwicaty

Your FMIL is non confrontational but she had the courage to ask you something so completely out of place?? What kind of respect does she have for your and her son's big day?! So, if I understand correctly, your FBIL told your FMIL about these "plans" and she said something like "oh, well, let me ask her if it's ok..." ...UM, WHAT? Talk about obnoxious and self-righteous! 

junebug61103

ohh gosh, i feel terrible for you. As you said they are just young and stupid and don't realize how much work and effort you put into this wedding. now they are just gonna stroll in, rip off all your ideas and have a fantastic last minute DW. Every bride deserves "her day" and your shouldn't have to give that up. Id have FI speak with them. Explain that if they want to do that, fine, but they are going to have to work around what is already planned of your wedding. Dates are booked, contracts signed, money paid, and you are not going to change these or alter them to accomadate their wedding.  Good luck doll!! Fingers crossed it all gets figured out! 

ebonyivory10

Wow, this is a new situation that I have never seen in my days of knotting. This takes the cake. Likely he's been planning to propose, so maybe he was planning to just hijack your wedding (outfits, ideas, etc)??

I suppose I can understand them wanting to get married while in Vegas, but why do they need to piggyback on yours is just crazy.  Can you speak with them and express your feelings? I know your FI seems unfazed, but perhaps you can get your points across to him and then talk to FBIL.  I'm at a loss for other advice, I'm sorry.  Good luck, please keep us posted.

aerinpegadrak

Honestly, SSIL and her guy were getting serious in the months leading up to our wedding, and I actually suggested to them that they should just go to a chapel while we were all there, as long as they didn't do it the same day.  They didn't take us up on it, but did end up getting married a couple of months later.

This girl is going to be your family now, and I think it would be fine for you to sit her down and explain that once she gets deeper into wedding planning, she'll realize that she's going to want her own time and things done her own way, just like you do.  You can also explain that a wedding weekend is long and tiring for everyone involved, and it's not really fair to anyone to have everyone's attention so divided.  If you focus less on the "It's my day!" gut feeling and more on the rational and legitimate logistical concerns, she'll probably be more inclined to hear you out.

Natrasha

OMG I would flip out. FI is a little annoyed that my cousin wants to go wedding dress shopping the day before our wedding. This however, is awful. I agree with all previous suggestions though. You have to talk to her. Don't let them take over the time you have worked so hard to plan for you and your FI.

MizLynn

Is there any reason why hers has to be the day before yours? 

I mean, I guess I'll buy that they're not trying to be malicious but I don't understand why hers has to be first.

I can see why they'd want to have it that weekend if they're that set on getting married in Vegas, but just reading this I think that maybe she's being a bit selfish by wanting hers first...if it's a situation where she can't get a better deal etc, then that tells me she's been planning this for a while (at least long enough to check dates/ vendors) and it seems a bit more premeditated than just "oh, can we tag along too?" which would make me really mad. 

But maybe that's just me seeing the worst in people. 

My only advice would be to suggest other hotels/ vendors that you also liked but didn't make the cut for whatever reason. That way, she can have her wedding AFTER yours (like a few days if possible - for the same reasons you didn't want her to have hers first hangovers etc.) and it will have a different feel hopefully.

ricekim

Geez. I thought it was bad that my brother was planning his wedding 2 weeks before mine to his gf of six months. But this is way worse. Man I feel for you.  

All of the feelings and concerns you have about this, I totally have had the same thoughts/feelings. But I've kept them to myself and not shared and I do not recommend that route. Definetely talk to them if you have a close relationship.

MoeN123

I would just be honest and tell your FBIL's FI how you are feeling.  I am very laid back and I wouldn't mind them getting married while everyone was in Las Vegas, but the same exact wedding as yours the day before?  Oh hellz NO!

Have you heard any of this from either FBIL or his FI?  I ask because it kind of sounds like you and FI have only talked to his parents.  I wonder if they would be paying for it and they are thinking along the lines of "Oh we can just get 2 of everything!  That will make it so easy as Jane has already planned everything out." I don't know just a thought.

wallacje

I'd be PISSED!!!!  And I'd have to let them both know that what they are doing is so selfish, not to mention they can't even be original.  Young or not, we would have some serious issues, especially with all the time and stress it already takes to plan a wedding for them not to even care is so beyond foul.  Sorry I'm not helping.

But you could voice your opinion, nicer than I would of course.  Your original post is a good starting point and based on their reply, determine how you will proceed.  You have to say something or you might have a blow up at some point and then everyone will totally think you are the bad person here, when you are SOOOOOO not.

hth

kteel717

Whoa...took me awhile to process your post. I would be a mad wreck if I were you, I think so far you are handling yourself well. I would calmly explain this is a weekend you want to remember as your wedding. There are 50-some other weekends in the year, I think they can pick another one....

drkarie

Holy crap!  I cannot believe anyone who is actually old enough to get married not knowing that this kind of situation would be inappropriate.  I'm a twin and I'm used to sharing everything, but honestly there is no freakin' way I'd want to share my wedding day, even with my twin.  I agree with the other posters that your best bet appears to be either:  a) talk to your FSIL woman to woman about your concerns or b) discuss your fears and concerns with your FH and have him talk to his brother on behalf of you as a couple.  Standing united in this is your best bet IMHO.  Sheesh.  I am so sorry you have to stress about this!  But you have every right to be insanely angry, not just a little mad....

MeatAuditor

Good job staying a bit level-headed through all this!  I think there are plenty of logical reasons you can give her without sounding like a Bridezilla. 

Next she'll be asking if she can use your centerpieces and bouquets the prior day too.  Time to squash it before it gets any worse.  If you allow a little now, it will get bigger and worse over time. 

But worst case scenario - if it was me, I'd keep my mouth shut about what vendors I am using, colors, DJ, etc.  Once she starts doing the work on her own, she'll end up with her own unique ideas.  So, you have to make sure that she does the work.

RachNRich

If you want to send me her email address, I will personally bitch her out for you. That's ridiculous!

j_jaye

LOL @ Rach....thanks I will keep that in mind!

I talked to FI  and we are going to fly up to see them in person this weekend. Going to cost a bit but we think it will be worth it to work something out. I am planning on mentioning everythig that you have suggested about timings and logistics. Hopefully that will work. i am also goign to pack my ideas folder that had everything we ever looked at for a las Vegas wedding. Hopefully they will find something else that they like.

One possible idea that my mum came up with is mentioning Hawaii as a destination (since all of FI's side are all flying in and out of there as it is the cheapest route and we were planning on going over as well).

i will post a seperate update when we get back next Sunday! Hopefully it will be all good.