Etiquette Question Re: Inviting Guests

Sara191431

So my mom was trying to tell me that if you invite someone to your wedding and they don't come they will still feel obligated to buy you a gift?  Is this standard?  My response to her was way back when maybe.

I'm pretty sure I've been invited to weddings that I couldn't attend for whatever reason, but the thought to send a gift never crossed my mind.

I ask because there are some people I know probably won't be able to come out to the wedding, however, I'd feel bad NOT inviting them, so feel I should still send the invite even though I know they prob. won't come.  And in no way would I expect them to send us a gift, in fact, I'd feel bad if they did!

Thoughts on this or know what is standard?  aka who's right, me or my mom:)

aegrish

It's poor ettiquette NOT to send a gift when you're invited to a wedding, but sometimes I have been guilty of this when I've been invited to weddings that I feel I shouldn't have been invited too in the first place (i.e. not really close with the bride/groom or family).
I am inviting guests that I know will probably not come, and like you do not expect a gift.  If you're inviting people you are close with but you know will probably not come, they will probably WANT to send a gift rather than feel obligated and you should not feel bad.

RachNRich

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_etiquette-question-re-inviting-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:a9cc807c-9c87-4f9d-b319-d0938964bce4Post:18dd6fc7-4807-42cb-a060-40c51efe3d0e">Re: Etiquette Question Re: Inviting Guests</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong>t's poor ettiquette NOT to send a gift when you're invited to a wedding</strong>, but sometimes I have been guilty of this when I've been invited to weddings that I feel I shouldn't have been invited too in the first place (i.e. not really close with the bride/groom or family). I am inviting guests that I know will probably not come, and like you do not expect a gift.  If you're inviting people you are close with but you know will probably not come, they will probably WANT to send a gift rather than feel obligated and you should not feel bad.
Posted by aegrish[/QUOTE]

<div>Wrong. A gift is just that---a gift. Not a requirement. </div><div>
</div><div>People you invited will make up their minds---some won't attend and will send a gift. Some won't. And some will attend your wedding and send/bring a gift. Some won't. And you can't get angry with them, because there is no part of etiquette that says it's okay to ask for gift. </div>

AudgiePodge

A gift is not required, but I've always sent a gift if I couldn't attend the wedding of a friend.

RachNRich

OP---I read your original question, and I think you're both right. 

But, look at it this way: If you were having a wedding that allowed everyone you want to be there....well, to be there, no questions asked, 100% attendance, would you want them there? If the answer is *yes* then you need to invite them. If your answer is *no* then you needn't invite them.

If your best friend got married, and you were unable to attend the wedding, wouldn't you still want to send a gift? But, that random guy you worked with for a few weeks? Ya, not so much on wanting to send a gift...Different people will react differently to the gift situation.

As for whether those invited and unable to attend feeling obligated to buy gifts? Some might. But the point of giving wedding gifts is to help the bride and groom out in their new life together----you may have friends/family unable to attend, but still happy to give gifts. Heck, we got gifts from people we didn't invite---and didn't even know (friend of my ILs). I think you are over thinking it. But please, whatever you do, don't tell them they don't need to get you a gift if they don't come---you shouldn't mention gifts at all, especially not in situations like this where it could look like you were presuming you'd be getting a gift anyways.

aegrish

I agree with this totally and it was what I was trying to say as well!  Gifts should not have an influence on who you do or don't invite.

Sara191431

Thanks guys, all makes sense, and I of course would never mention gifts, I was asking more so to report to my mom of what people do in that situation.

I would feel terrible not inviting these people and shouldn't assume either way if they'll come or not.  But IMO, we shouldn't just not invite them due to the whole gift thing, I think THAT would be rude.

Rach - Everything you said totallly made sense, and I am going to pretty much copy and paste that to my mother.  Thank you!

MVJP10

Yes for the love of GOD please don't say "no gifts" that is uber rude!

aerinpegadrak

Gifts are customary, but not required.  I agree with Rach: if you truly want people there with you, invite them.  People will usually give you gifts to make you happy, not because they feel obligated.

Sara191431

@MVJP - Thanks for the response, but yes I know, I would never say that.  It's not like that was my original post "should I say no gifts on the invite/std".  I was asking what is the norm nowdays if people feel like they should send gifts if invited and can't attend, that was my question.

So yes, again, of course I would never say something about gifts.  You don't know me, but I'm not that dumb:)  Just sayin.

MVJP10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_etiquette-question-re-inviting-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:a9cc807c-9c87-4f9d-b319-d0938964bce4Post:0bbaeaf9-55d5-4ce3-9c56-af7b5d8a9c18">Re: Etiquette Question Re: Inviting Guests</a>:
[QUOTE]@MVJP - Thanks for the response, but yes I know, I would never say that.  It's not like that was my original post "should I say no gifts on the invite/std".  I was asking what is the norm nowdays if people feel like they should send gifts if invited and can't attend, that was my question. So yes, again, of course I would never say something about gifts.  You don't know me, but I'm not that dumb:)  Just sayin.
Posted by Sara191431[/QUOTE]

I understand your original question. Was just throwing it out there. For every question asked - theres 10 lurkers wanting to ask something similar.

Sara191431

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_etiquette-question-re-inviting-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:a9cc807c-9c87-4f9d-b319-d0938964bce4Post:bf56cb56-dd14-4b5e-b1e9-b20b3f61b0f8">Re: Etiquette Question Re: Inviting Guests</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette Question Re: Inviting Guests : I understand your original question. Was just throwing it out there. For every question asked - theres 10 lurkers wanting to ask something similar.
Posted by MVJP10[/QUOTE]

Gotcha, makes sense on the Lurkers

vegasgroom

I've been invited to weddings of people I never expected an invite from and didn't send a gift. :-)  I got an out of the blue wedding invite from a distant cousin I had last seen and/or spoken to when I was about 8 years old, and it was a whole 5 weeks prior to the wedding, so pretty sure I was on the C or D list, so no, no gift for him.  If someone I'm close to invites me though, I'll send a gift if I can't go, but I'd probably send a gift even if not invited in that situation since friends sometimes have very small weddings with only family, etc.