Future FIL Drama (long rant)

Beth0882

Edited due to fact that FILs may be searching internet for info on these topics and they appear in google searches! Sorry -- PM me if you want to know what started this thread!

NcsuPsych

Ugh thats tough.
To my knowledge. . that isnt an NC tradition as I've NEVER heard of that or seen it in the weddings I've been to.

I have to agree with you about having him do a reading / or maybe the opening prayer??

Are they paying for any ot it? (curious about the whole 'they pay, they say' thing) I would stand very firm on this as it's YOUR day, not theirs. I'm not sure if any of this is good advice, but I want'd to say good luck and best wishes.

We too know a preacher like that and occassionally I'd like him to Shut it, but I'm thinking telling a preacher to 'shut up' it's a great idea Lol!

kristyand

Yuck. Sorry. We went through exactly that. I have two set of In-laws as DH's parents are divorced and remarried, and have been since he was 10. DH loves his Dad and doesn't so much prefer his Step-Dad. Regardless there is still a good bit of strange stuff with the Dad, lots of history, and just a lot of complicated. And we did know that it is a tradition in the south to have the Father of the Groom be BM, but at the same time, less and less people are following that, just as less and less people are following anything outside of the "normal tradition," that is if they even do those. Our situation went down similarly. We picked WP, DH and I had a convo about not asking his Dad to be BM privately, Russ chose to have his two brothers be dual-BM. Everyone knew, months later we started hearing some mumbling about his Dad being BM. His Dad eventually called and said that it hurt him and he thought he would be BM and basically asked to be. Russ, being the least confrontational person on the planet, held his ground while being affirming and just suggesting he really wanted brothers to be his BM and all parents to be sitting together in support. We then got a letter from DH's grandmother and godmother being pretty manipulative suggesting that Russ' Dad had been a good father despite distance and this was basically a slap in the face and on and on. Seriously people? So Russ stuck to his ground, wrote her a very diplomatic letter back, confirmed to his father that he was very important and loved but still not BM despite southern tradition. It all went down fine in the end but people should have just left it all alone.

We also at that time had a convo on this board about whether it was in fact a southern tradition. About half the girls were shocked and had never heard of it, half had, most weren't following it. Regardless of how many have or have not heard of it, or do or don't follow it, just know--it is a very long southern tradition (not NC, southern). So you're better off letting people know that that isn't what you want than that you don't even think it is real, because it is and then you're arguing about incorrect facts when that isn't really the point here. Good luck.

NcsuPsych

I'd be in the category that didnt know it was a tradition. Hah. Granted like you said. . less and less are doing 'traditional' things.

janice1980

wow, sorry you have to deal with this.  I also have never heard of this being a tradition.  If both of you don't want FI's dad in the wedding party, then I think you should stand strong.  Maybe explain to him that it would be more meaningful and special if he did a reading.  Hopefully that wouldn't hurt his feelings. 

alliegator8

I agree that you should try to get him to do a reading or something like that.  At some point he needs to realize that this is your wedding and not his.  I might even go as far as to make him a groomsman, but definitely not a co-bestman.  If he really needs to be the center of attention, could you imagine if he had to share the top honor with someone else?  I think that could be yet another issue you would have to deal with.

I think you need to stick to your guns and do what you guys want to do.  It might be hard, but it's your wedding and it is about what you want, not what others want.  Plus you might save yourself from deal with other issues down the road.

Beth0882

...

midnite007x

i have never heard of it being a tradition and even if it is SO WHAT!?!? lol

unfortunately this is an issue between him and his dad and you probably can't do much about it. it is sad that his dad is like that......i agree with you that FI should stand his ground, its the only way his dad is going to learn but i also think that FI should tell his dad that he is guilt tripping him into letting him be BM

my sister was REALLY young when she got married and really didn't understand the part that WP plays, so she just started picking people, she picked her best friend as her MOH. It really hurt my feelings but being 9 years a part I sorta understood but also felt bad b/c it made me question weather i had been there for her as much as i should have. well, my mom opened her big mouth and went and made my sister feel bad for not picking me. which was not my mother's place to do!!
it blew up...my sisters best friend felt bad and gave up MOH position to me which at that point i didn't want b/c of the situation. it got to be sooooo stupid! that the day of the wedding no one really cared. we just stood up there and smiled and knew that we were all loved by her in a different way and the statuses to her and to us at that point didn't mean SQUAT!  we were laughing about it most of the time.

i, myself have someone in my wedding party that i probably shouldn't have and at this point wouldn't disappoint me if they stepped down but for the sake of attention i doubt they will.  it is creating tension amoung all of us and i guess its my fault for not taking more time to consider the WP members.

it really depends how much emphasis you are putting into the status of your wedding party but i truly stick to.....if you don't want someone then don't have them up there out of guilt, that situation will only get worse between now and your wedding.

katherineUTC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_future-fil-drama-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:d7f630c8-d643-416d-85f8-eeb8b5eb9f5dPost:0e78c8ae-0405-4454-9d5b-d04f5c7f0a3a">Re: Future FIL Drama (long rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have backed off and told FI that I have said what I needed to and it is up to him now.  Well, with the caveat that if he does make his dad a co--best man, he is not to be given any responsibilities because I refuse to have to depend on him for anything important (holding rings, helping keep track of paying vendors, toasts, etc.).  I might also ell him I would be upset if his dad was standing right next to him, rather than his best friend.  Again, his dad is the guy who called him a few days after we got engaged and tried to talk him out of it -- I guess I deleted that out of the OP since it was long enough anyway...I know it wasn't necessarily because his dad doesn't like me (although I do call him on some of the crap he says when his family ignores him), but because he realized he and FI's mom wouldn't be the "center" of FI's world anymore.  (my theory anyway).  So I don't want to get in a fight over it with FI, but I told him I didn't think he should do it just to keep his dad from causing a scene, and now he has to make the decision. As far as money -- we are paying for most of it.  My parents are giving me what they can here and there, and FIL's are giving a little also -- basically they had a budget for the rehearsal dinner, and said they would give us what was left oer that didn't get spent.  So they may get some say here and there, but certainly even if they were paying for the entire wedding, I don't think they get to pick the wedding party!
Posted by Beth0882[/QUOTE]

Are you sure FFIL didnt used to be a woman, my MIL, by chance? lol. They are EXACTLY alike, I cant even believe it. MIL is also a huge AW, but I digress...

Since he's a minister, would it be possible for him to marry you two? or do you already have someone lined up? IMO that'd be even more special than being BM.

Side note: DH is southern, I am not. At our wedding, one of my very large, boisterous, gold-chain-wearing, Italian cousins from NY went up to FIL and said in his strong Brooklyn drawl, you cant be da best man AND da fadder of da groom. So FIL said well sure I can. Cousin: Nuh uh... dey's supposta be two separate people.   LOL!!!

NcsuPsych

Katherine. . .I swear you crack me up!

katherineUTC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_future-fil-drama-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:d7f630c8-d643-416d-85f8-eeb8b5eb9f5dPost:d29962df-e300-4b54-8127-5b1f75c99b56">Re: Future FIL Drama (long rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]Katherine. . .I swear you crack me up!
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]

Hahhahahaa!!! :)  I was laughing while typing all of that out in my last post.

FutureMrsFraser

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_future-fil-drama-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:d7f630c8-d643-416d-85f8-eeb8b5eb9f5dPost:d29962df-e300-4b54-8127-5b1f75c99b56">Re: Future FIL Drama (long rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]Katherine. . .I swear you crack me up!
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]

hahaha me too! Laughed at her entire post!