2nd Thoughts

Venetian10

Do you ever have 2nd thoughts about getting married? Sometimes when he's getting on my nerves, I wonder if I can put up with him and his bad habits the rest of our lives. Just asking?

Gribbles

Mmmm... not really.... but I guess it is natural that someone who you spend so much time with would get on your nerves occasionally. But for me, never enough to wonder if I am doing the right thing by marrying him...! Are they little things, or can you see them potentially causing issues further down the line?

junebug61103

Not that Im having second thoughts but sometimes I get a little scared...we were "high school sweethearts" but after highschool we broke up a few times and dated other people...but always got back together. I guess I get scared because we have been together for so long that I get worried later on we will get sick of each other or something. We had a rough time, especially after high school changing from that drama filled high school relationship to a more adult mature relationship...and not letting things from 7-8 years ago bother us now.

But I know I love him...and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him....even if he does pee on the toilet seat : )

bcschuman

I will say that there are days when something frustrates me that I do the... "am I going to be happy with this 20 years down the road?"  and then I think of something a friend said to me to me:

Will it matter in 5 years?

Whatever is that is going on... is it going to matter five years from now?  So I think... does his video game playing vs. not doing the dishes matter that much?  No it does not.  Does him sticking up for me through all this wedding drama we are having with his family/ex-wife matter that much?  YES it does:). 

I have learned to focus what is important and while the little things can be annoying and will probably always be annoying... not sure I would find anyone better for me that makes me laugh, loves me for who I am and truly is the one person I can't wait to see at the end of my work day or time away from home.  I do not think there is such thing as a perfect relationship... I think there are always flaws/issues... it is just how you as a couple handle/address those issues that make you work.

vegasgroom

Only thing that's ever really bugged me about my FI is her cat, and fortunately those don't live as long as I will so we're good LOL.

darkling_glory

I get nervous about the terminology - WIFE. HUSBAND. MARRAIGE. But I never get nervous about him. Fiance is awesome and I think we'd be together regardless of marriages or whatever... but sometimes the though that I'm going to be someone's wife freaks me out.

Might be my inner feminist. Not sure.

aegrish

No I can honestly say I have NEVER questioned are engagement or marriage, even when my fiance has driven me nuts or upset me (rare).  Even in those moments I cannot imagine NOT being with him for the rest of my life. 

Natrasha

I fall closly in junebug's category. We got together when I was 19, and I'm now 26. I had some time to date  other guys, but I didn't have much time to be independent. I never lived completely on my own, which was always something I wanted to do. I didn't get the time to find myself on my own, and this is something we've talked about together. It sometimes has put strain on our relationship, but through it all, we know we want to be together, and we'll just have to work through the growing pains.

Now that we're getting closer, I think of the things that have bothered me, and ask myself "can I live with that for the rest of my life?" The answer is always yes. So if your answer is "no" or "I don't know" then you need to discuss it. Depending on what it is, maybe it can be worked on.

aegrish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_2nd-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:e6ecb766-f5d8-458d-afa8-db047669518dPost:3330d17a-961a-4fc8-bbf9-30edaa5d55f0">Re: 2nd Thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]I get nervous about the terminology - WIFE. HUSBAND. MARRAIGE. But I never get nervous about him . Fiance is awesome and I think we'd be together regardless of marriages or whatever... but sometimes the though that I'm going to be someone's wife freaks me out. Might be my inner feminist. Not sure.
Posted by darkling_glory[/QUOTE]

lol this too.  Changing my last name will probably be wierd for me at first...

darkling_glory

aegrish, I'm not changing my last name and you should hear the remarks I get from people!

Part of the reason is that I am still in school for post-grad stuff and don't feel like the hassle of changing it mid-way through.

Part of it is that I love my last name and have a lot of my identity tied up to it -- both personally and professionally -- and I just can't bear to give it up.

Luckily, fiance is AWESOME and isn't threatened by the no name change thing. But lots of our friends and family find it weird.

Natrasha

I still have NO idea what I'm going to do about my last name! It's very distinct, and fits me, but it's long and foreign. FI's last name is 4 letters long! FI is all for me keeping my own name, but we may go some hyphenation route. I agree, it's so weird to change your name when it feels like such a part of you.

bcschuman

I think my FI has a cool last name... not super unique but sounds classy! 

aegrish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_2nd-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:e6ecb766-f5d8-458d-afa8-db047669518dPost:40e12ad4-2542-47de-a70c-03377103d6f8">Re: 2nd Thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]aegrish , I'm not changing my last name and you should hear the remarks I get from people! Part of the reason is that I am still in school for post-grad stuff and don't feel like the hassle of changing it mid-way through. Part of it is that I love my last name and have a lot of my identity tied up to it -- both personally and professionally -- and I just can't bear to give it up. Luckily, fiance is AWESOME and isn't threatened by the no name change thing. But lots of our friends and family find it weird.
Posted by darkling_glory[/QUOTE]

LOL i totally understand I am in grad school and it's going to be a huge pain in the ace to change everything over...My FI's family is from a super small town and extremely traditional/old fashioned.  If I even MENTIONED hyphenating my name I'm pretty sure they'd disown me haha.  And we need help for our wedding/house so it would not be worth it. Thumbs up 2 you tho.

j_jaye

My FI has a really really easy surname especially compared to mine but becuse we are getting married O/S I have to offically change my name if I want to take his surname. I haven't decided yet if it is worth it and FI says he doesn't mind!

MNVegas

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_2nd-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:e6ecb766-f5d8-458d-afa8-db047669518dPost:38ebbf89-dedc-4cf3-8f5d-1ecab417e6b0">Re: 2nd Thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]Only thing that's ever really bugged me about my FI is her cat, and fortunately those don't live as long as I will so we're good LOL.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

LOL, I am a cat lover, but I loved this!

MeatAuditor

Everyone says a little bit of "cold feet" is normal.  It depends if you mean bad habits like picking his nose, or bad habits like disappearing for a week to a brothel in the middle of nowhere. 

This will be my 2nd wedding & marriage.  For my first, I ignored all the red flags all the way through the relationship and engagement, and I'm sure you can all tell how that ended. 

Have there been true "red flags" throughout the course of the relationship?  Negative themes that keep repeating themselves, worries you try not to pay attention to?  Things that aren't new to the engagement portion of the relationship, troubles that have always been there?

An example is how my ex always treated family (mine and his) as an obligation.  He complained whenever his mother called.  He groaned on the way to Christmas dinner.  He spent as little time with my family as possible.  He seemed kinda annoyed with inviting relatives to the wedding.  It was a pattern of red flags, not a one-time nuisance.  

Don't be afraid of premarital counseling if it will help you.  You could probably do a session or two by yourself before inviting your fiance.  I know it's extra time and money, but it goes towards your whole life together, and not just a single day. 

Marraige is a decision you need to be sure of, more than flowers or cake or whatever.  If you're not sure, do whatever it takes to become sure.  That's part of wedding planning that a lot of people forget about, including me in my starter marriage.

Only you can know what is right or wrong for you, so good luck.

saccers

JuneBug, you just described my relationship! We have been friends since we were 11 years old, had a romances on/off, as you say during the drama-filled teen years. We then spent 4 years apart, seeing other people and living our lives. Then came back together - we are now living 'happily ever after'.

The fact is that we just couldn't stay away from each other. I know he's the one I want to be with forever.  Even so, I still get cold feet every now and then (albeit for a few hours, then it passes). I'm a very independent person and I don't need to be around people to be content, in fact I quite enjoy being alone.  Sometimes I wonder, would it be easier? Being selfish and not having to worry about another person?  It may well be easier, but I can not be without him. I

think it's a combination of things - scared that we'll get sick of each other, scared that he might one day go through a mid life crisis and leave for a 20 year old, scared that he will age badly, scared that you will age badly.
 
The fact of the matter is that you can't predict the future, so if you know he's the one, you know, and there is no one else out there that will be better for you, even if he hangs the washing out wrong, doesn't empty the rubbish or puts the empty milk container back in the fridge.

I think the cold feet is normal (unless it's due to such things that MeatAuditor mentions)... It only comes with that bit of paper - if you were de facto there wouldn't be anything to have cold feet about, but you could still be together forever   good luck

LilMissScareAll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_2nd-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:e6ecb766-f5d8-458d-afa8-db047669518dPost:2351e05e-bf77-4ceb-b9db-72e9febeb390">2nd Thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you ever have 2nd thoughts about getting married? Sometimes when he's getting on my nerves, I wonder if I can put up with him and his bad habits the rest of our lives. Just asking?
Posted by Venetian10[/QUOTE]

I have 2nd thought about marriage all the time. HOWEVER, I have never had 2nd thoughts about wanting to spend the rest of my life with Ben.
Even when we argue, which can be perfectly healthy, I still love him. Even when he pisses me off, leaves the house a mess, leaves dirty dishes in the sink. When we have a problem, we are able to talk about it and come up with a resolution that satisfactory to both of us.

Marriage and babies and growing old is a scary idea. Sometimes I freak out and go "I'm too young, I'm not ready for all this" (My brain sometimes thinks I'm some carefree 22yr old sometime, when that ship is LONG gone). All major life changes are scary though. I was scared when I moved across the country, I'm scared about graduation and getting a "grown-up" job.  These are perfectly normal thought.

If you are seriously reconsidering marriage over him leaving socks on the floor or the toilet seat up, these may be warning signs of a more serious problem. You should get these things hashed out before the wedding day.

feyco01

I had 2nd thoughts the first time...I'm re-marrying this April.  Nerves are completely normal but if it's really 2nd thoughts,  think long and hard.  Listen to your gut.