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RSVP Post F/U-Need advice

So, I get an RSVP after sending the friendly email, my Future In law's won't be in attendance. She sent me an email telling me that she and the rest of the family that won't be able to make it would like to host a reception for us in their hometown for the ppl that couldn't make it (all of them).

I def do not want anyone hosting anything for us! We chose to go to Vegas for a reason, we wanted to go, have it done and move on to bigger and better things.

I'm upset, I feel like my wedding is not good enough for them so they must host their own reception for us, huh?

I'm not even sure how to respond to her w/o hurting her feelings...how would you reply?

Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice

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    GribblesGribbles member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ooooh, tricky one. If you really don't want to do it, then say 'thanks but no thanks' -- but it might be fun if you did go....

    I can see your principle though. What does your FI think, as it is his family who you would be potentially offending?
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    edited December 2011
    Yeah I think for sure you need to get your FI's opinion first. And then if he feels the same way than you could probably just say no thank you. Maybe it is best that your FI speak to them and just tell them that you have one wedding day and one reception, and you don't plan on continuing with anything wedding after that. But make sure to be courteous and like gribbles said "thanks but no thanks"

    I am with you though it seems weird that they wouldn't even want to come to see you and share with you on your special day, but they want to plan a party on their terms? Just stay positive and if your FI doesn't mind them not being there than don't let it bother you.
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    lsvenssonlsvensson member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Agreed, this is a tough one.  As much as this sucks, though, I think you'd be burning a bridge if you declined her offer to throw you guys an at-home reception afterward.  Perhaps his side of the family not coming is due to financial issues and she's trying to make up for their absence by throwing you guys her own shindig back home?

    I say go, have a FABULOUS Vegas wedding with all of the people you really want there (your family and friends), and then come back and have a laid-back at home reception with his family at home.  

    How does your FI feel about this?
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    edited December 2011
    Well, I just spoke w/FI, I asked him to handle it and he said he would. I told him I didn't want anything and he said he would explain.

    He explained to me that he knew they would not be coming, they are not the kind of people that would get on a plane and travel for a wedding. He said if it would've been his sister then they would've done it but they feel the need to be around for his sister and his kids. She and her husband own a bridal/tux shop and they help babysit the kids so they wouldn't dare go too far for too long...

    I am hurt more than I can say but he did a good job at explaining how his sister is such a high priority for them and that he's OK with it, he understands the need for for them to be around for the kids.

    He's been in the military for a long time and has been away from them so he knows his sister probably needs them more than he does....

    Needless to say it's hard for me to understand this and accept it but he's ok with it, oh wells...gotta suck it up and move on.

    Thanks for listening!!
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    edited December 2011

    I am sorry that it is hurtful for you :(

    I have learned wayyy to quickly about the different dynamics in families through this wedding process. Every family is different and they hold certain things at different levels. My FI's family think that a wedding should have every single family member even if we never see them or havent seen them in over 10 years. My family is small and we would rather just the important people be there, I dont want to invite some aunt or cousin that I have never met just because they are related. It is very hard for me to understand but if thats what FI wants, I have to go with it.

    As long as your FI wont be bummed about his family not being there than I think you guys will have a good time. I am sure that it is not anything personal, they are just not the type of people who think that wedding are that important.

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    edited December 2011
    Sorry about yoru situation but instead of looking at it like maybe they don't think you're good enough maybe think it really is a nice gesture of them to want to throw yous guys a party/reception. Of course you'd rather have everyone at your wedding and reception but maybe they really are coming from the heart and not trying to be hurtful.
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    edited December 2011
    MVJP10,

      You are right, I really think they mean well.
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    aegrishaegrish member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Encore maybe you should just let them host something for you?  This is just IMO but I don't think them hosting anything for you takes away from your DW...My FIL's are doing the same for me (altho diff situation bc they are coming to the DW), and at first I felt the same as you, but then I realize that a hometown reception was really important to them.  However, it is also important to my FI, so if it's not to yours than I can understand where you are coming from.
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    edited December 2011
    aegrish,

      You know, I might let them do that but I would like to have my family and friends there too and I know my family won't be able to afford another trip after going to Vegas. This would be for his side of the family only....
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_rsvp-post-fu-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:f5b22e41-8e6b-4d18-983e-d0570e762194Post:97a1db98-c0d2-49b0-810f-04fe1a202af4">Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]aegrish,   You know, I might let them do that but I would like to have my family and friends there too and I know my family won't be able to afford another trip after going to Vegas. <strong>This would be for his side of the family only....
    </strong>Posted by TheEncoreBride[/QUOTE]

    I think I would let them since, if they are not people to hop on a plan and travel, they are probably just doing what they think is proper. Also...It's ok if it's just his family. It would be a good way for you to spend time with and get to know them :)
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    aegrishaegrish member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_rsvp-post-fu-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:f5b22e41-8e6b-4d18-983e-d0570e762194Post:bf1f5b11-49b3-467c-a732-5fcfb56ef677">Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice : I think I would let them since, if they are not people to hop on a plan and travel, they are probably just doing what they think is proper. Also...It's ok if it's just his family. It would be a good way for you to spend time with and get to know them :)
    Posted by stinkerbell6879[/QUOTE]

    this too, my friends and fam won't be able to come to the  AHR my FIL's are hosting either, but again it's important to them to be able to celebrate with their friends and family that won't come to the DW, and a way for them to 'introduce' me to the town...I am having a few girlfriends join me as 'honorary' BM's (my actual BMs  are from OOT) and the girlfriends I asked are glad they will be included in the AHR since they won't be able to go to LV with us...just an idea.  Some battles aren't worth fighting...
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    edited December 2011
    You guys are right, thanks so much for helping me see the light, after being here for a year this is not the kind of stuff I should be sweating. I should be appreciative of everything they are trying to do and I will.
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    aegrishaegrish member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_rsvp-post-fu-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:f5b22e41-8e6b-4d18-983e-d0570e762194Post:76216376-ad2f-4f72-9ac6-83e45ddeb8a5">Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]You guys are right, thanks so much for helping me see the light, after being here for a year this is not the kind of stuff I should be sweating. I should be appreciative of everything they are trying to do and I will.
    Posted by TheEncoreBride[/QUOTE]

    aw Encore you are always too sweet!  Everyone sweats small stuff at some point.
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    jccswljccswl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're going through all this. You've gone through all the planning to make it the best wedding for you and DH to share with Family and friends. All the emotions and all the firsts cannot be replicated at an AHR. It's like an inside joke, you had to be there. It seems like money is not an issue if your FIL's are willing to throw you at AHR which is gonna be their planning (I don't know if you're gonna be involved with any of the planning). Maybe your FI can talk to them and tell them to use the money and come to the wedding, it would be a great bonding experience for them and you.
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    aegrishaegrish member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_rsvp-post-fu-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:f5b22e41-8e6b-4d18-983e-d0570e762194Post:6202bdb3-2802-4f6a-922e-731b47cf2426">Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry you're going through all this. You've gone through all the planning to make it the best wedding for you and DH to share with Family and friends. All the emotions and all the firsts cannot be replicated at an AHR. It's like an inside joke, you had to be there. It seems like money is not an issue if your FIL's are willing to throw you at AHR which is gonna be their planning (I don't know if you're gonna be involved with any of the planning). Maybe your FI can talk to them and tell them to use the money and come to the wedding, it would be a great bonding experience for them and you.
    Posted by jccswl[/QUOTE]


    I don't know if anyone plans to 'replicate' anything at an AHR, but rather share and continue the celebration- at least in my case that's what we're going for.  and there maybe some 'firsts' you won't get to have at the DW, but will at the AHR.  Again, just ideas.  I think every AHR is different just like every DW is. 
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_rsvp-post-fu-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:f5b22e41-8e6b-4d18-983e-d0570e762194Post:2af5f1bf-fd09-48a8-bbd9-7a9098bd90f6">Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice : I don't know if anyone plans to 'replicate' anything at an AHR, but rather share and continue the celebration- at least in my case that's what we're going for.  and there maybe some 'firsts' you won't get to have at the DW, but will at the AHR.  Again, just ideas.  I think every AHR is different just like every DW is. 
    Posted by aegrish[/QUOTE]

    You should chill out I don't think she meant replicate in an offensive way. A lot of people do try to replicate things at AHRs - bouquet toss, cake cutting, first dances.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it's fine for your FI to tell them, "We're not entirely comfortable with it being termed a 'reception' and we're not really up for helping to plan or pay for it, but if you guys want to throw a later party, knock yourselves out."  It's apparently fairly common and perfectly good etiquette that, when the wedding occurs in the bride's hometown and the groom's family lives far away, his parents host an open house to introduce the bride to the family.  It's not seen as any sort of consolation-prize party (which is the usual objection to AHRs) because its purpose is entirely different.
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    Sara191431Sara191431 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would be just as hurt as you are, it's hard to imagine your in-laws not wanting to come to their son's wedding.  That would be hard for any bride.  I wouldn't even be thinking about the AHR right now, you've put soooo much planning into your soon to be here Vegas wedding, concentrate on that.  I'd be sad right now too, but maybe in a few days that well turn into well screw em, I'm not even going to think about all that right now, if they don't want to be here that's their choice.

    I've come to find in this planning process that certain people sure do have strong opinions about certain things, including our choice to have a DW in Vegas.  It's our choice, instead of saying comments here and there just go with it cause it's what WE want.  At first I tried to please everyone, but you just can't, period.

    I feel for you and hope this doesn't affect your day that much in the end.  I can't wait to hear all about it, especially about your Azea Cake!:)
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FWIW, DH's mom didn't attend our wedding.  She claimed that she'd gotten sick with pneumonia, but she sounded like she was getting better and claimed she was getting worse, and the type of pneumonia she claimed to have would have put her in the ICU.  We're pretty sure the actual reason was that she couldn't find something to wear.  She really is that crazy.  Yeah, DH was hurt and I think will always be kind of mad at her for it, but he was also relieved not to have to deal with her bull while we were trying to enjoy the wedding.

    Just don't dwell on it.  They're the ones that have to live with having missed it.
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    edited December 2011
    OK so I guess I will be the mean one. Them planning a AHR may just be to ease their concious and not necessarily for you. I am not a petty person but I would politley decline. You chose the type of wedding you wanted. They should honor that. For some of us the purpose of the Vegas wedding is to avoid all of that. These are his parents, not is friend or his cousin. They should be there for their son,unless it is a financial issue. I wouldnt mine them taking us to dinner when we get back but the reception would feel like them doing my wedding their way.
    Just my thought but I inderstand everyones peacceful answers.
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    Sara191431Sara191431 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_rsvp-post-fu-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:f5b22e41-8e6b-4d18-983e-d0570e762194Post:5ee1fce3-0c7e-4707-9f63-1d0a913992c3">Re: RSVP Post F/U-Need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK so I guess I will be the mean one. Them planning a AHR may just be to ease their concious and not necessarily for you. I am not a petty person but I would politley decline. You chose the type of wedding you wanted. They should honor that. For some of us the purpose of the Vegas wedding is to avoid all of that. These are his parents, not is friend or his cousin. They should be there for their son,unless it is a financial issue. I wouldnt mine them taking us to dinner when we get back but the reception would feel like them doing my wedding their way. Just my thought but I inderstand everyones peacceful answers.
    Posted by specialjune[/QUOTE]

    Agree!
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    edited December 2011

    Encore your handeling it so much better than me. I also agree with specialjune....this is what you and your FI chose and they should respect that. Reguardless of their grandkids...don't they want to see their son get married? Why is staying at home babysitting more important than your wedding?

    If they want to do a small dinner for just you four, thats one thing but an AHR....its like justifying them not coming. I hate to say it but this is something they are going to have to live with (not attending your wedding) and relaized they missed out on...you shouldnt have to go out of your way to make them feel better

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    edited December 2011
    Aww Encore, I'm really sorry to hear that. IMO, I think you should let them throw a party. It's not worth a lifetime of animosity to fight them on it. My FILs are coming and FI's sisters, but none of their extended family is coming. His parents are throwing an AHR for their family and friends. It will be very casual so my family will not travel the 4.5 hrs to attend, so it'll just be his family. I was really unhappy about it at first. I didn't think we should cater to those who chose not to be a part of our big day. In the end though, I didn't want to cause any problems with the family and his family isn't really into traveling and it comes down to finances for some of them. My FI will also be moving to Canada after the wedding so it gives his family a chance to say "goodbye," in a sense. I hope his parents end up coming but if they don't, just enjoy your day and try not to dwell on it. I know its easier said than done, but if he's okay with it, then it's their loss. Chin up girl!
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    edited December 2011
    aawwww thanks girls! My emotions have ranged tremendously the last two days and I have felt what everyone is saying at one point or the other. I told FI that I would let them do whatever if they wanted to but FI doesn't want an AHR either. And you guys are right, we feel like their offer is an admission of a guilty conscious. At this point I don't even want to go visit for Christmas but I do need to go pick up my dress :-)) I'm over feeling sad (well, maybe)but oh well, it's their loss...

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    edited December 2011
    Could you just ask them to keep it casual so it doesn't feel like a AHR, more like a "welcome to the family" party?  Don't do the wedding things, dont wear your dress again, dont have a bouquet or anything like that.  Have it in a backyard or a Elks lodge.
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