bridesmaids

CarolinaBeachBride2011

We've aleady choosen our wedding party HOWEVER due to certain reasons we are thinking about asking one of my best friends not to be in the wedding.  How would someone go about doing that?  I love this girl dearly, almost like a sister but over the last few months she's shown she can't be counted on.  We haven't heard from here since November even after several attempts of reaching her.  My fear is b/c she lives in Massachusetts and I live in NC and the wedding is down here that the week of the wedding she is going to say she can't make it here (she's done similar things in the past).  Anyway, if we can reach her we are thinking about asking her if she is a 100% committed to this wedding and 100% certain that she can make it otherwise we need to chose someone else?  Do you think that is wrong of me todo?  My thought it's my wedding day and I don't want to have to worry about one of my bridesmaids showing up.  Thanks y'all..

LVCK

When is your wedding? For me, it would depend on how far away the wedding is. What have you asked of her?

ktyd8

Well you can't really kick her out, but you can have a serious talk with her and find out if she really wants to be in the wedding. Maybe she accepted to be in the bridal party because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. She may only want to be a guest. I would just try to get in touch with her and express your feelings. You can give her the chance to back out if it's something she can't do whether it be a financial reason or whatever the case may be. Good luck!! 

PS. You may hear some girls tell you that you shouldn't have chosen your bridal party this early.

pirategal03

This gets asked a lot on some of the other boards.  The general consensus is usually that there's no "good" or "polite" way to boot someone out of the wedding party.  It's usually a friendship-ending move.

If you haven't heard from your friend in months. It may be better to contact her just to check in.  Don't talk wedding at all.  Ask if she's alright, what's going on in her life, etc.  She may have something going on that you're unaware of.  She may be reconsidering her commitment to being your bridesmaid and she may bring it up before you do.  Being a bridesmaid in an out of state wedding is a huge financial commitment. 

If I was your friend and you said to me: "are you sure you're going to be able to make it?  Because if not we need to choose someone else." I'd tell you to go ahead and pick a second-string friend, I wouldn't want to be a part of that.  And if I were the girl you asked to be a bridesmaid months after you'd asked everyone else, I'd probably say no too.  It's pretty easy to figure out when you're a second choice.

Why do you feel like you'd need to replace her in the wedding party? 

wlfpkbride

Like PP said, check in to make sure she's alright...with no wedding talk. While BMs may be excited about your wedding, no one is going to be nearly as excited as you. She may feel like your friendship is not as important to you anymore, etc.

You're still well over a year and a half away from your date, what are you asking her to do at this point, especially as an out of state BM? As a BM, all you're required to do is to be present on the wedding day. Many BMs do much more, some don't. If BMs being super involved in the wedding is important to you, this is something you should think about before choosing your bridal party.

[Deleted User]

It seems to me like you've got a friendship problem, not really a bridesmaid problem. If it were me, I'd want to find out why she hasn't been returning my calls and try to work it out. Kicking someone out of your WP is not something I would ever do as it would most likely end the friendship.

When you try to contact her, is it wedding related? If so, I'd try to just reach out to her as a friend, not a bride, and find out what's going on.

shigaites

To be honest, I'm not sure what you're expecting your bridesmaids to be doing for you this far out to begin with.

For comparison, the only thing I've told my bridesmaids so far is that I want them to pick out their own dress so that they have plenty of time to shop around for one.  Other than that, it's way too early for them to really be doing anything at all.  Heck, it's too early for me to be doing most things heh.

midnite007x

i was one that made the mistake of asking too soon.....we are three months out, i have one that lives right across town that hardly has spoken to me since i have asked her to be a bridesmaid, she also informed me the other day she doesn't have any money to buy her dress right now but will let me know when her taxes come back where she stands....she has known for a year that she was going to be in my wedding, that is saving less than a dollar a day for a dress and i am not asking the girls to spend any more money than just for a $130 dress
i am not kicking her out of the wedding, and when she told me she didn't have the money and would let me know when her taxes came back i just said okay....even number of attendants isn't important to me so if she doesn't show up then she just doesn't show up...i am not going to ask her to step down and i am not going to push her into buying a dress or pitch a fit if she doesn't....she knows she said she would be a bridesmaid and she knows she needs a dress for that.....the best thing for you to do is to continue to just be her friend with no expectations, when it comes time for her to order her dress let her know....if she sells you out on your wedding day, take it up with her AFTER your wedding....right now your life revolves around your wedding (it shouldn't but it probably does) and her doesn't...just be her friend right now and don't expect much from her for the wedding except to be there for you

ecuchika

I agree with pps.  My FI and I have already asked our friends and we have 17 months left!  Some friends I don't hear from for weeks/months at a time.  Our WP is mostly out of state/town friends.  One BM I hardly ever talk wedding about is going through a seriours crisis (the fast approaching death of last living parent) so when I talk to her which is not very much its not about my wedding--its how she is doing.  You need to talk to your friend.  There are so many things that could be going on in her life.  If you asked your party do you have outfits/budgets in mind-same dress let them choose there own style/dress.  If its a financial thing for her then IMO its your duty as a friend to step up and help her pay for a dress-if you want her to wear it.  A BM of mine had to do just that for one of her BMs to even show up to the wedding AND front the cost of a rented tux for her BMs hubby.  I know that if any of my BMs came to me and said I just can't afford to be in your wedding I would work something out.  It may not be a financial thing for her. LIke pp said do you Only talk wedding when you two talk--that can be VERY annoying for many people.  Im not blaming you or saying you are annoying but step back and see what your friend sees you as.  One more thing..if you opt to talk to her about this in the future maybe you could use the platform....I would appreciate your help in picking out blah blah..or I am excited to have you with me in such an important occasion in my life and I am excited to share things with you. Best of luck..but don't kick her out if you want to keep your friendship and equal number of attendents are a thing of the past....many weddings have different numbers on both sides.