Anxiety over my brother's wedding more than my own (loong vent)

volleygurl0306

I'll try to make this as short as possible the drama has spanned the entire length of FI and my relationship so there's a lot there.  Background:  The shortest version of this is my paternal grandparents, their daughter, and I no longer speak because they disapprove of my being with a black man with a Muslim last name (though he's not Muslim, not that it should matter).  It was a long painful saga that resulted in FI, my grandparents, and I going to counseling to try to resolve our differences and it doing no good.  In counseling we agreed if ever forced into the same social setting we smile, say hello, and nothing else (no forced small talk).  I do not have this deal with my aunt though.  The last time I spoke to her she told FI and me we should consider if it is worth having children because our biracial Muslim last-named children would have it so hard (to which I mentioned PRESIDENT Barrack Obama but she's a moron) so she's no one to me.  Since counseling I've heard a lot of nasty things my grandma has said about me and she also attacks my mother for having my back.  Last year she actually tried to break up my parents' marriage.  So the fact that she isn't in my life and still talks s*it makes me think the smile nicely days are done. 

So on Sunday I went to ice cream with my 16 year old cousin.  She's the youngest of my uncle's kids and his family has been nothing but super supportive of me and FI.  His wife doesn't get along with my grandparents either (they tried to break up their marriage on several occassions) and no one gets along with psycho aunt.  My older brother is getting married in July.  I am begrudgedly in the wedding.  My brother and I haven't been close for a long time but it has been made worse by all this because he still worships the grandmother and has a relationship with aunt.  He didn't even stand up to my aunt when she started trashing my mom and me in his house.  So at ice cream with my cousin she said how awkward she thought my bro's wedding was going to be.  And I said yea, you can find me by the bar.  And she asked why my brother was even inviting them and that he shouldn't because they are not only wrong but I'm his sister.  And I said he still talks to him and regurgitated what he always says that he's "not choosing sides."  My cousin said "Yeah but he is because he's saying it's okay."  At 16 she gets it while my 26 year old brother doesn't.  Anyways, I've had anxiety ever since because I don't want to deal with him, his wedding (I've written several posts about how he and his FI have been a pain in the ass about their wedding already), and I certainly don't want to deal with all that.  I have absolutely no care for these people at all and they just make my blood boil.  I'm going to have to go to this wedding or my mom will be heart-broken so I'm really just venting but if it is 4 1/2 months away and I'm this anxious I feel like it's inevitable I'm going to explode and tell them all to go f*** themselves at the wedding.  Thanks for reading.  Just needed to get this out of me.

akbrown19

Girl. That SUCKS!

The best advice I can give is to *try* to focus on your brother's wedding being his day, about him and his fiancee and just make the best of the situation. Clearly, with all of the family drama that doesn't look like it will improve in the next 4 months, it isn't likely going to be an easy occasion. I'm sure all you ask of your brother is to be happy for you on your wedding day - which it sounds like he will do regardless of his feelings toward your grandparents.

I'm sorry your relatives have an unfortunate attitude toward your choice of who you want to be with. At that, you can't really help who you fall in love with and it shouldn't matter anyway. Just know that there are people out there who are loving and supportive and I'm assuming some of them will be at your brother's wedding too. So, like you said - just stick with them by the bar.

You've always got FI too!

josephwedding

Wow. Volley, *hugs to you* 

I'd stick with the "smile & say hello" terms only if they say hello to you. Otherwise, I'd just steer clear. And like akbrown said, just be happy for your brother on his wedding day to his FI & have fun at the bar with those people who love you, your FI & support you guys. 

romamor4

I remember all of the posts you've written in regards to your situation. It's really terrible that you have to deal with family who are acting this way. I completely understand. I've had similiar experiences with my family as well. At a certain point, I wasn't talking to my parents and that lasted almost two years. My brother and I still don't talk and FI has decided that if he does not come to the wedding, then we are completely done with him and he will not be allowed around our children. 

That said, my curiosity is, are you allowed a plus one to the wedding? Are you bringing FI? How does your brother treat your FI? Does your family treat FI badly to his face or just behind his back? Just remember that the majority of people at the wedding would probably side with you...so if something happens, try to be the bigger person and walk away from it. You will look so much better for it! And others will see how things truly are. 

Sorry for the twenty questions! There's so much to your story though! 

Johnsonk313

Awe Volley,

So sorry you are going through this They suck! All I can says is really just try not to think about it because you are going to imagine it worse than it's probably going to be. Just try to focus on the good stuff you've got going on. *HUGS*

jessa1228

That's a really tough situation, and I'm sorry you're going through it. My MOH was in a wedding 2.5 years ago in which her and the bride had a HUGE falling out the week before the wedding that ultimately ended their friendship. Obviously at that point it was too late to back out of the wedding, so my MOH dutifully showed up to all of the scheduled events/appointments, stood through the ceremony, and then basically just hung out with me and our other friends at the reception the entire night, completely ignoring the bride.

This would be my advice to you for your brother's wedding. Just show up, do your part, and then once the reception hits just stay close to your mom, cousin, etc. Good luck :-/

volleygurl0306

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_anxiety-over-my-brothers-wedding-more-than-my-own?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:a5606a58-0b38-46dd-9ae5-08b2ebc0ad4ePost:fd7f1cbf-5f63-42ba-ac9a-8c16633eacff">Re: Anxiety over my brother's wedding more than my own (loong vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I remember all of the posts you've written in regards to your situation. It's really terrible that you have to deal with family who are acting this way. I completely understand. I've had similiar experiences with my family as well. At a certain point, I wasn't talking to my parents and that lasted almost two years. My brother and I still don't talk and FI has decided that if he does not come to the wedding, then we are completely done with him and he will not be allowed around our children.  That said, my curiosity is, are you allowed a plus one to the wedding? Are you bringing FI? How does your brother treat your FI? Does your family treat FI badly to his face or just behind his back? Just remember that the majority of people at the wedding would probably side with you...so if something happens, try to be the bigger person and walk away from it. You will look so much better for it! And others will see how things truly are.  Sorry for the twenty questions! There's so much to your story though! 
Posted by romamor4[/QUOTE]

Sorry you went through this too!  It's crazy and ridiculous!  If I told FI I were going to cut off my brother I don't think he'd bat an eye.  And, we already know his contact with our kids will be limited.  And, he's just an a$$hole in general so I get you!  My brother hasn't mentioned a plus one one way or the other but considering he is inviting my best friend/MOH, I can't see him not inviting FI.  We didn't get a save the date though (my younger brother did so this is something that has been bugging me too) so not sure one way or the other.  Honestly though, my mom would kill him if he didn't invite FI.  She wouldn't allow it.  She has not gone to family functions because my FI was excluded from the invite (she's the best).  I think at that point my mom would tell me not to go at all.  However, FI may not be able to go because of work.  He is in a wedding for a childhood friend 2 weeks before and taking off again may not be an option (both weddings are out of town).  We are going to try to make it happen though because FI knows how much having him there would help me.  If he can't make it my bff/moh will be my "date" and keep me calm (well, feeding me drinks is more of her M.O.). 

My brother lives in MN (thank goodness) so we typically only see him once a year.  When he was home for Christmas he was a d*ck to everyone (not just FI) and as far as I know has never said anything bad about FI.  His inaction is more the problem because he'll let grandma call FI the "n word" or call me a slut because we lived together before we were even engaged (the horror!).  And like I mentioned in my OP, my aunt called me a slut (common name for me even though I was a 22 yo virgin) and my mom a bitch in his house and never said a word. 
My supportive family (parents, younger brother, dad's brother's family of wife and 4 kids) is wonderful to FI...treats them like their own and doesn't talk about him behind his back.  The only one on my mom's side (all live elsewhere) who has met FI is her dad and he was so sweet to him.  Even my mom's brother who hasn't met FI will email with him and exchange workouts and fitness info since my uncle is a Naval doctor and FI is a strength and conditioning coach. 

Think I answered all your questions haha.  I keep going back and forth between being the bigger person and shock value.  I know what the right thing to do is, but I'm so exhausted from all this AND to top it off my bro's FI's family is super judgemental (talk crap about my best friend and my moms best friend in my parents house to my parents) so I half want to be the crazy drunk slutty-dressed (if I'm going to be called a slut may as well have fun with it) sister from Miami.  I probably won't be drastic...I'm all talk but in my head it sounds fun.

SheaCC

Ugh, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It's hard to believe that in this day and age people still behave like that. I know it's easier said than done, but I think all you should worry about doing is just live your life the way you want to and try to  your grandmother or your aunt. They are clearly in the wrong, and you shouldn't have to carry a burden of worry on your shoulders because of their biased views.