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Maybe I can be a b!tch...LONG!

So I'm finally getting around to addressing the shower situation for my friend's shower.  (Quick backstory - her FMIL and FSIL were supposed to be throwing the shower, never responded to my request for what I could help with and then sent an e-mail with everything they had planned and told us it would be $300 each.)  Her FSIL just sent me another e-mail that she hasn't heard back from me (seriously, I still don't know what to say to you, evil FSIL) but I obviously need to say something.   Thoughts on this e-mail back to her?  I have 2 options for the 2nd paragraph.  For the record, my friend doesn't like her FSIL and FMIL very much.  So even though I do want her to have a nice shower, I'm not worried that she will be upset with me, should it get back to her.  She is usually quite practical.  I hate outright causing problems though.:::::::::::::::::::::::Hi FSIL, Sorry that I haven't e-mailed you back - I've been really busy this summer. I actually e-mailed you at the start of the shower planning offering to help with the invitations and/or favors and did not hear back from you until your e-mail that all of the shower details had already been picked and then the second email that we would all owe a certain amount.  I have to say that this definitely caught me off guard because as I understood it, you guys were planning and throwing the shower for BRIDE - which is why you chose the date (one where I has previously had said I was not available), the location, the invitations, the favors, the menu, etc.  I can't help but feel a bit out of the loop for a shower that apparently we are all giving.  I have to say that this was not handled very well - it is definitely NOT in my budget to be contributing that much to a shower and I think we could have made some more budget friendly decisions if we knew this ahead of time.  OPTION 1 - I'll pay $100 + prizes (which would have been about the amount that I would have spent on a gift): I didn't respond to the other e-mails because I felt a bit hurt and left out of the situation and not exactly sure what to say to you.  Of course I want BRIDE to have a lovely shower and I'm able to contribute $100 to the cost of the shower, plus I'll bring 5 prizes with me.  But you left me under the impression that you and your mom were throwing the shower and hence making all of the shower decisions until the second e-mail on August 10th.  Just want to be clear on that.  OPTION 2 - I suck it up and fork over the $300 (it won't kill us, but we are of course majorly saving money for the baby and a house, so it is an issue in my mind.) I didn't respond to the other e-mails because I felt a bit hurt and left out of the situation and not exactly sure what to say to you.  Of course I want Christina to have a lovely shower and I'll contribute so she can do so and bring 5 prizes with me.  But you left me under the impression that you and your mom were throwing the shower and hence making all of the shower decisions until the second e-mail on August 10th.  Just want to be clear on that.

Re: Maybe I can be a b!tch...LONG!

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    edited December 2011
    I think it's way nicer than I would be.  Even though I'm leaning more towards saying screw them and not giving them any money - I'd say go option 1.$300 is A LOT of money to suddenly spring on someone who had never committed to anything remotely like that.I think you're being extremely generous in offering $100 and prizes (which can end up being quite a bit of $$ in themselves).
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with Erica. Go with option #1.I would be pissed beyond belief if I was asked to hand over $300 - even if I was involved in the planning! That is A LOT of money and I think it is very possible to have a wonderful shower on much less than that. What is costing so much money? How many girls are there and is everyone being asked to pay $300? Just seems like an outrageous amount to me.This really has been a nightmare for you, UGH!
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    edited December 2011
    I agree - Go with #1. And just let the chips fall where they may. Like you said, your friend isn't exactly in lurve with her FSIL and FMIL, so who cares. And they should be prepared to pick up the slack financially since they didn't consult you. End of story. (Or as my Mom says, "That's it. Fort Pitt!")
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with Erica- you are being a lot more generous than I would be! Definitely option 1....you could always use the "We're saving money for the baby" excuse also.
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    bellchaciebellchacie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I completely agree with pps. Go with option #1; you are being very generous to help pay for a shower that they obviously didnt want you to help with other than financially. I think its very rude to do what they are doing by springing this huge financial "obligation" on you at the last minute. After that, let things happen the way they will.
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    AMK2009AMK2009 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I vote option #1 too!
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    New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Option 3: McBride, a dedicated friend and BM, brings along prizes plus a shower giftI didn't repond to the other emails because I felt hurt and left out of the planning process. Since it seems that you've got all the planning under control, however, I will be there with my party shoes on! Please note, my budget simply cannot support the $$$ - wish I had known about the plans sooner and could have given you input as to what my budget was! But I'll be bringing along the prizes and a gift for BRIDE. See you there!XOXO,The un-consulted bridesmaid McBride
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    LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yikes, how annoying!  (And strange...)  I would definitely go with option 1- it's generous of you to offer to pay for any of it at this point, but I understand not wanting to cause a fuss.So are you considered an official host of this shower?  Or do they just want you to help pay for it?
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    SteelrsGrl92SteelrsGrl92 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the pp's #1
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    AMK2009AMK2009 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ohh, I'm changing my vote to the even biticher option #3!
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    edited December 2011
    I change my vote and go with Jenn's option 3.  Honestly - paying anything for it is, IMO, above and beyond. I know you're trying to be nice, but what they're doing is wrong.
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    edited December 2011
    I like the bitchier option but somehow I don't see KR saying that :)
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    edited December 2011
    Very nice New! It's so nonchalant. I vote option 3, heheee. The way they went about planning the shower just isn't right, esp. when you asked what you could help with. If that seems too harsh, then option #1 is great. A simple explanation that you were not expecting to contribute that much and being notified so late in the game should be sufficient enough.
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    New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like the bitchier option but somehow I don't see KR saying that :)Darn - I thought I had "nice-ified" it to suit her!  If it was *my* email, it would be a whole lot snarkier :P
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    edited December 2011
    I vote option 1. I think its very appropriate for this crazy situation!  It gets to the point without being overly b!tchy.
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    edited December 2011
    I vote option 1. I guess that would be aroudn the amount you would pay if you were involved.  It just sucks that you are not a host at all, but will still have to pay.  Maybe mention that somewhere, like 'I didn't get the invitation, but I was just curious as to whether my name is listed as a host since I will technically be one if I am to contribute financially'. That sounds weird- but you know what I mean. And they don't know your KTFU yet right? I'm sure when they find out, they will (hopefully) feel bad about asking you to pay so much
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    New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The CHB in me is dying for you to mention that asking you to cough up $300 means that Baby McBride can't have bedding for his/her crib :P
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    McBridetobeMcBridetobe member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the validation, ladies.  Part of the reason it is expensive because she only has 3 BMs, so it is being split 5 ways - a friend of her FMIL is also contributing.  That's a $1500 shower!  WTH!  No formal mention of who is hosting, so I don't feel bad about that either.   I'd love to use #3 - especially because I'd have fun shopping for a gift, lol - but I kinda feel badly that the others will have to pick up the slack of my cost that I'm not paying.  My DH is like - what the heck is wrong with you?  You will never see these people again!  (Other than my friend who is a BM too, but she makes 4X my salary, haha!)
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    pinksonyapinksonya member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    KR - this in no way even partially qualifies you as a b!tch!  I think you should absolutely go with option one.  Your e-mail was very tactful and explained the situation extraordinarily well.  Sometimes people just need to be told they're wrong.  I wonder how all of the other bridesmaids have dealt with this...They are in the wrong, not you!  Don't feel bad.
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    McBridetobeMcBridetobe member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And they don't know your KTFU yet right? I'm sure when they find out, they will (hopefully) feel bad about asking you to pay so muchWell, the bride does know.  (And she was thrilled, I shouldn't have been worried about it.  Just concerned about the dress, of course.) Not sure if she would have shared with the FMIL/FSIL though.  LOL, Jenn - I should totally say that.  Poor bedding-less baby.Sonya, the only other BM is my friend who is pretty well off.  She was annoyed too, but says "it is only money."   
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    themissizzthemissizz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    #1.  You are offering more than enough.
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    pinksonyapinksonya member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Boy, I hope one day I'm able to use that line!
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    edited December 2011
    I totally am down with #3; but you are being incredibly generous with #1, so that would work too.Make sure to let us know the response you get!
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    morainemommorainemom member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    KR - I'm with New-Jen, send #3!I admit it - I wanted an elaborate shower for my daughter! It's my only daughter - I love throwing parties.  I am a control freak! (Yeah, I am!)I worked out a deal with the MOH and bridesmaids - they left me do everything, including paying.  I ran all my ideas past the MOH, she helped with some of the prizes, baked cookies, etc.I listed them all as the hostesses and they ran the show the day of the shower.   They helped me and my DH and my DD's MIL decorate. I just ran around during the shower and took lots of photos and mingled with everyone.I think it is asking too much for the bridesmaids, MOH, etc. to shell out money for a shower. Especially an expensive one.If they want to be in control of everything -- then they should pay.Tell them morainemom said so. :)
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    elishanbelishanb member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm late on this but I think #1 is my vote too.. although 3 sounds pretty tempting too
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    hey_its_jennhey_its_jenn member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh, KR, how I love how concerned and worried you are about this. The BRIDE definitely has an awesome BM on her hands! As far as the shower, I'd go #1 or #3, but definitely not #2. Do not give in. I don't care if they give gold bars as favors as this shower, it cannot cost that much. And if it does, they should have thought about that in the first place. There is no reason for you girls to have to burden the costs for this shower. Let us know how it pans out! I'm excited to see the outcome.


    Married 9/19/09
    Me: 27 // DH: 31
    TTC # 1 Since October 2010 (Not preventing since 2009)

    October 2012: DH Dx: Testicular Cancer -- Left Orchiectomy
    December 2012: F/U CT Scan -- All clean!
    January 2013: Starting the adoption process!

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    d78d78
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Dang, I kept getting interrupted today & yesterday every time I tried to read/reply to this post! Grrr! You've probably already replied! Anyway, this situation isn't even close to making you a b!tch! And I would say Option one is best...however, I like Jenn's #3 wording about how you were unable to give input about what your budget is.
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