Guest List Nightmares!!!

danac2010

This is going to be long sorry...

Ok we just got our STDs in and we sat down together to go over the guest list again.  We have been planning everything for the wedding to include 150 guest.  We sat down Wednesday night and went over the list and my FH added about 15 family members I didn't even know about (which is fine I know he hasn't met all of mine yet) and then some of his Fraternity brothers and now the list is over 190.  I'm freaking out!  Our reception site can only hold 160ish.  I do have a rather large family (90 just on my side) but I didn't even add any of my friends on there so that we would be at the right number.  How do I tell my FH we have to cut some of his friends?  Is it ok to tell guest that children under 10 aren't invited?  That would cut out a lot because we have 27 kids on the invite list and if the parents can't bring their 80 kids then they probably won't come.  I want room for my friends and close family I actually talk to there but right now I'm not happy at all with the guest list and keep trying to figure out who's wedding it is.  Am I horrible for cutting out family members I don't like? 

Again sorry this is long and rambling but I'm so stressed about it now!  HELP!!!

pirategal03

"Fi, darling, we don't want to make your Frat little or Great-Aunt Agnes stand at the reception, we need to make sure we don't invite more people then there's room for.  This is a wedding, not a game of sardines."

Don't invite more people then your site can seat.  You shouldn't invite parts of "tiers" of families, ie: you shouldn't invite some of your first cousins (the ones you like) but not all of your first cousins (the ones you don't like), this rule applies separately for your family and your FI's family (you can invite your first cousins and he doesn't have to, or vice versa).  You just don't want to make waves.  If you want to invite people without their chilren then do it.  But don't say "no children" just address the invites to the people you want to attend (Mr. and Mrs. Clause - not: Mr. and Mrs. Clause, Rudolph Clause")  and if you cut children you should cut all children, or all except those IN the wedding.  It's like the cousins, just be consistent.

bethbloom

Start with the people that "must" be there. Immediate family, grand parents, etc. Then add the next group, and the next. If he hasn't talked to one of his random buddies in a year and a half, they don't need to be invited (DH did this, and realized how big of a waste it was).
You have a limit, you need to stay under your pre-determined number.

aerinpegadrak

We did an A-list (have to be there), a B-list (want them there), and a C-list (would be nice if they came) while we were planning.  Then started at the top and worked our way down until we hit our capacity.  You do not do not do NOT invite more than your venue and/or your budget can accommodate, and you always need to plan for 100% attendance.

Having an age limit is fine, just address the envelope to those invited.  If someone RSVPs yes for their little ones, then call them up and explain that due to venue/budget restrictions, yada yada, you can't accommodate extra guests.

rbothwell

As far as children are concerned I have always had luck with the phrase "Children are welcome, Adults are preferred" with previous events I have thrown. It's a polite way of getting your point across. You might inclue this on your reception cards along with the envelope addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Brad Pitt" not "Mr. and Mrs. Brad Pitt, and Family". If they choose to blow it off, shame on them. The hard part is, if they bring their children your just kind of stuck with that. If it's any consolation, you are not alone. Our guest list is growing exponentially as we speak. At the end of the day, I just had to go a little Bridezilla and put my foot down. We are paying for our own wedding (every, single, dime of it). So when it comes to extra guests, if Mothers, Fathers, Sisters or Brothers insist on inviting extra friends they can get up off the cash for it. It's our wedding, not a free for all. Good luck sweetie, I'm rooting for you. Pray for me

honeybee77

Okay... who is paying for the wedding?  If the two of you are paying for it together, I just don't think it is fair for you to take up 90 of your 150 guest list and leave him less.  That being said, I think it is okay for the bride to take a few extra-- things don't have to be exactly even.  I think this is especially so if the bride's family is hosting the wedding (i.e., paying for all of it).  If eliminating children gets you to 150 with both of you happy with your guest lists, I'd say do it.  I think no-kids weddings are actually more common and more expected than weddings with kids!  Most people don't want to pay $150/plate for a six-year-old.  Good luck!

lyn_mello

Hello,

I have to disagree with rbothwell - you should not put anything on the invitation that mentions no kids allowed,  just address the envelope using the adults names,  and write their names on the interior envelope.

If you get responses,  and people are adding their kids to the card,  simply call them and tell them that it is an adults-only reception.  If it is your side,  you/your mom should call them.  If it is his side,  he should call them.  It may be an awkward conversation,  but shame on them for writing in their kids when adults are the only ones allowed.

My fiancee and I are only having the kids in the wedding party (my niece and nephew,  his son) for kids.  We cut off at first cousins too.  It helped a lot "politically."  Most of our guests rather leave the kids at home,  since it is a night wedding.

If anyone gives you a hard time,  just tell them that you have a set budget.  The budget reason is the best reason - even if it is not true.  No one needs to know that!

If you are still having problems with inviting children - ask your caterer if they do kids meals.  Ours is making chicken fingers and fries for our three - at half the price!

Good luck.

MOBinFL2008

First of all, do not send STDs or invitations to one more person than your venue can accommodate.  You always have to plan for 100% attendance and if you send someone a STD you must send them an invitation.

It is fine to exclude children.  The proper way to do it is by addressing the STD and invitation to only those actually invited.  Please be prepared to make exceptions for nursing moms and their babes.

Setting an age limit becomes tricky.  If those only over the age of 10 are included what do you do about the family that has children aged 15, 13, 11, and 9.  Do you say, "OK 15, 13, and 11, you made the cut.  Sorry 9, better luck next time!"  Obviously that would not work. 

Either invite all the kids or don't invite any with the exception of those in the wedding party.

Katie829

90 of the 150 are your guests? why would you assume they wouldnt come if their children are not allowed? a wedding can be a date night for the couple . honestly it is what you and your FI want. if they don't come because their children were not there, than it's their loss and you will have an awesome time without them. but i also think you shouldn't stuff in everyone. you and FI are going to need to prioritze the guest list. who needs to be there, and who could miss it. good luck

ps i am having an adult on reception so i know i will get flack from some family members, but bring it on, i am only getting married once.

classictwitch

My fiance and I had this same problem, only we were limited due to budget.  We tried to come as close as possible to an equal number of guests for each of us.  Since we both have rather large families, we each only get about 4 friends. 

I also didn't want to include children in our wedding, mainly due to the fact that I couldn't see the point in serving a 5 year old lobster ravioli that he/she wouldn't eat anyway.  We decided that the only children invited would be first cousins--and that's it.  I will address the invitations to Mr & Mrs So-and-so with "and family" added.  Infants aren't a worry--they are formula/breastmilk fed and need to be with their mothers, so they may come.

Another way we were able to cut was to only allow a "plus one" to guests who were in very serious relationships.  We didn't want to pay a ton of money to have random people we would never see again attend our wedding and take the place of guests we would have rather attended. 

Hope this helps!  Just tell your fiance that you both need to be fair, and maybe bump the guest count up to 160 so that he can sneak in 10 people since you have the majority of the list for your family.

cheyanna13

First keep in mind that inviting 190 does not mean that many people will show up.  Second, I'm doing an adults only wedding and reception.  We didn't have a whole lot of friends and family with young children, and the few we did we called ahead of time.  They were actually thrilled to have a nice day away without the kids!  It allowed us to keep a small wedding of about 65. 

lyn_mello

katiebabie1110 - AMEN!!

Good for you - that is exactly how I feel.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_guest-list-nightmares?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:052f82b5-384e-4b1a-a299-6bdbd9064b1bPost:aab06316-c11e-4978-b241-a9a1f404ad33">Re: Guest List Nightmares!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]First keep in mind that inviting 190 does not mean that many people will show up. 
Posted by cheyanna13[/QUOTE]
Yes, but you need to be prepared for all 190 to show up.  It does happen, and then the brides who planned on a certain decline rate and find themselves overbooked have to scramble to make accommodations, or get hit with a much higher bill than they were anticipating.  Always plan on 100% attendance.

samscsi

I always say no kids, unless it's a backyard barbeque style.  However, if you have a lot of family coming in from out of town, you might want to consider hiring a babysitter (or two) to watch the kids.  In the end, the price of two babysitters for five hours will be a lot less than the price of individual meals for all the kids.  That way, you cut your list way down, as well as your budget, and no one gets offended that their kids aren't welcome.

KittyW11

I've read on some websites with "advice columns" etc. that you should add "Adults only reception" to the invitations, if you don't want kids coming, that way there are fewer misunderstandings about bringing along the kids...

I'm thinking of putting on a "movie marathon" inside, as my reception will be outside, and in the evening, for all the kiddies. Then there's a bedroom adjacent they can go sleep in if their bedtimes are earlier than the reception lasts... Should I hijack a family member who wants to keep an eye on them, or do I need to actually hire someone to watch them? Either way, I think they'd have more fun watching Kung Fu Panda than watching the adults dance and drink. :-\ Wish I could say "no kids," but there are soooo many, and everyone would be so PO'd!!!

The idea of chicken fingers and fries for the kids is AWESOME. Thanks for sharing!!!!

megandjay

As PP have said:

1. Do adults only, this is simply done by spreading word of mouth that kids are not invited, and addressing the invitations to the parents only. This means over 18 in general. This is pretty standard in my area, I don't remember a wedding I have been to recently that had kids other than the wedding party.

2. Talk to your FI seriously about his guests and make him cut some, don't decide for him.

3. I am not sure what you meant about "cutting family members I don't like"...where there additional cuts you are considering? Or is this referring to the children?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_guest-list-nightmares?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:052f82b5-384e-4b1a-a299-6bdbd9064b1bPost:1526dbf5-1f2b-478c-a7db-77f56547da37">Re: Guest List Nightmares!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as children are concerned I have always had luck with the phrase <strong>"Children are welcome, Adults are preferred"</strong>with previous events I have thrown. It's a polite way of getting your point across. You might inclue this on your reception cards along with the envelope addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Brad Pitt" not "Mr. and Mrs. Brad Pitt, and Family". If they choose to blow it off, shame on them. The hard part is, if they bring their children your just kind of stuck with that. If it's any consolation, you are not alone. Our guest list is growing exponentially as we speak. At the end of the day, I just had to go a little Bridezilla and put my foot down. We are paying for our own wedding (every, single, dime of it). So when it comes to extra guests, if Mothers, Fathers, Sisters or Brothers insist on inviting extra friends they can get up off the cash for it. It's our wedding, not a free for all. Good luck sweetie, I'm rooting for you. Pray for me
Posted by rbothwell[/QUOTE]

Not only is this tacky, it's confusing. 

The correct way to do adults only is to address the envelope only to the adults, and if people RSVP with children, you call them and correct them.  It's improper etiquette to put "adults only" or anything on the invite because you shouldn't mention the people that aren't invited, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not the biggest faux pas in the world.  But if you're going to do it, don't be passive aggressive about it.

vitamint

"No Children" - How to Address this Situation

There really is no easy way to tell your guests that their beloved children are not invited. The most subtle approach is to spread the "no children" restriction by word of mouth or on your wedding website. If you are looking for a more "formal" statement, here are two ways to avoid putting the bad news directly on the invitation:

• Note "Adult Reception" on the reception card
• On the response card:
• Please respond on or before (Date)
  M_________________
  Number of Adults____

Good luck!  We used the first suggestion
"Adult reception immediately following the ceremony" on reception card-

Ckirwin

we kept our guest list low by not inviting any kids, and yes, this means you have to cut all kids (except for those participating in the wedding, of course). like someone said, how would you deal with families with some kids over 10 and some kinds under 10? like MyNameIsNot mentioned, you really shouldn't talk about who isn't invited on the invite... i would stick with the most common way of addressing the envelopes with the parents names and calling to clarify if anyone responds with their kids.

the other advice i would give is to make sure that you have a definite A, B, and C list. then only send STDs to your A list!!!!! B and C list guests can always get an invite later, but once an STD goes out you have to follow up with an invite. GL!!

squirrly

You address the invitations to the invited guests, and that's it.  You don't make any sort of notation at all about who is excluded, including the "Adult Reception" phrase - that's really rude. 

cellarius

i think you should kinda just start over, make a separate list & start with who 'must' be there. your parents his, your grandparents his. your siblings, his. then aunts/uncles & cousins. definitely stop there though & not go any farther. then go to very close family friends & both of your friends. you don't need anyone else. don't invite every single family member just to please or be polite. it really is your wedding & you should be able to share it with who you want & who means most to you. personally our friends would never be limited before family. they matter much more than the majority of family & we'd much rather share our occasion with them. inviting extended family or extra family friends, etc is nice if you have plenty of extra room & cash but not necessary at all.

i would say do that & see where you are. i would guess keeping it to that would limit your list alot. i don't think you'd have 90 immediate family members that you're close enough with who 'need' to come. you could prolly take out 30 or more of them. then you both have plenty of room to invite which friends you want. if that's not enough then limit children & say only 12 & up are able to come. you don't need to say anthing on the invites just address it only to who's invited & on the rsvp just have the check space by their specific names. that should get the point across without confusion & that's an easy way to cut down but i'd do it last. once you've done all that i bet you'll have cut it enough to have who you & your FI would really love to celebrate with.

JMU_Bride09

I disagree with HoneyBee...I do not think that you should be penalized for having a larger family.  I understand that you're making concessions and not inviting people you want so that you can keep under the venue limit.  Just because you have a large family does not mean that your FH should invite everyone he knows to make it more even.  That being said, talk to him.  Let him know that you aren't going bridezilla on him, and you want him to be able to invite those he wants.  Tell him that you have to stay under 160 due to venue constraints and explain the no-kids option.  Have him figure out who is important to him and who he wants there.  He probably has no idea about the venue limits and didn't realize he was causing you stress by adding people.  Calmly discuss it with him, and I'm sure you can both come up with a solution that makes you both happy!

shurbajia83

I personally think it is completely fine to not invite kids to a wedding. Like some people mentioned, I think many couples love the idea of having a night out without their kids, and what is a small child going to understand or enjoy about a wedding anyways? Like someone else noted, it has become very common for weddings to be an "adults-only" affair, so you should feel NO shame or guilt in wanting that, it's your wedding. I'm getting married in a few weeks and although we didn't make any mention of "no kids" on the invites, we did only address it to the adults and expected only them to rsvp. In the few instances where people did include their small children, we called them and explained that due to capacity constraits, we can't have small children. Even though we didn't make any mention of it on our invites, I don't think it's wrong to if you wanted to...I recently went to a wedding where the RSVP card said "adults only reception", I didn't think that was bad. I know how you feel, we wanted around 150 people and ended up inviting around 190 too lol...good luck

ledalia

Here is how my fiance and I prioritized our guest list:
immediate family members - parents, grandparents, siblings
close aunts, uncles, cousins - people we actually see or talk to every year
close family friends - people we actually see or who were once a big part of our lives
friends - best friends only

no coworkers, no one we don't know, no one we haven't spoken to in a long time, etc.

Our guest list = about 50 people. I have no idea how people even come up with 200 people weddings but I imagine you don't have a relationship with at least some of those people... cut them out. It's your wedding and you should focus on who matters the most to you within your limit. As for the kids, just have an adult wedding and only put the adult's names on the invites... no one will miss them.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_guest-list-nightmares?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:052f82b5-384e-4b1a-a299-6bdbd9064b1bPost:7d34662c-c94b-4187-9063-82fd6d30997a">Re: Guest List Nightmares!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]For my wedding, we are putting on the invitation "no kids under 12 years of age" ...and that is fine..you can do that...of course the kids IN the wedding are an exception to this...but I think if you cut the kids out, you'll have more room for your friends and what not....
Posted by aqwfan[/QUOTE]

PLEASE do not do this.  What about the family with an 11 year old and a 13 year old?  Bad choice.  You don't have to invite everyone's kids, but picking an arbitrary age is not going to work well.  And you REALLY should not write that on the invitation.  This isn't a theme park where you have to be a certain height to ride the roller coasters.  It's a wedding.  Invite the people you love and want to share the day with, and don't invite the others. 

It will be easier if you invite kids of immediate family but not others, or no kids at all.  But this age cutoff thing will come back to bite you in the asss.

danac2010

Thanks everyone!  I think we are going to go with the addressing only adults and then the ones that RSVP with kids we'll call.  

I wanted to clarify for some of those of you that thought it was crazy or that I was being selfish for having so much family invited.  My parents are divorced and both remarried.  My parents are still friends and because of that we still have joint holidays with both sides together at my dad's house.  Both my dad and step mom have 5 siblings that all live in the same area along with their kids.  It may not sound like immediate family but when you see everyone in your family every month or so it is kinda hard to not invite them all.  I have a very different family and that is one of my favorite things about my life.  Also we are paying for most of the wedding with each set of parents chipping in some.  I do have to include all of the family and I understand my FH inviting his friends before I do because the fraternity brothers he invited are pretty much like his family since both of his parents have died and they have always been there for him.  Again thank you all for the suggestions.  We have revised our "A" list to exclude kids and we now both have friends we want there on that list.  I'm not as stressed anymore, now I just have to address all those STDs.