Please proofread my enclosure card wording

caramels03

Hello,

I'm putting together a separate enclosure card for our family members and OOT guests.  Do you think the below is good or is it too wordy?  If too wordy, where can I trim?  Thanks!

A block of rooms has been reserved in the name of Smith-Jones at

East Lansing Marriott at University Place

300 MAC Avenue, East Lansing, Michigan 48823

Call (517) 337-4440 or use the link provided on our website

Reservations must be made by May 26, 2010

 

Special rates on car rental are available with Budget ((800) 772-3773; discount code: 123456) and Avis ((800) 331-1600; discount code: 678910). 

 

*Roundtrip shuttle service will be provided between the Marriott and The English Inn on our wedding day.

 

Family and out-of-town guests are invited to join us for dinner at the Smith residence on Saturday, June 26, at six o’clock in the evening.

123 XYZ Road, Detroit, Michigan 48823

 

For additional wedding information, please refer to our website at

http://www.ourweddingsite.com 

squirrly

Are the rooms discounted?  Is there an advantage to booking there?  Personally, I'd rather know the price on the card, but some people don't like to do that.

Also, I was unaware rental car companies would do discounts.  Huh.

Is there shuttle service from the airport to the hotel?

And, I would put a break of some sort betwen the travel stuff and the OOT dinner note.

caramels03

Hi Squirrly,

As always, thank you for your constructive feedback!  Yes, the rooms are discounted - I probably should mention that!  I put the exact room rate on our website.

No, there is no shuttle service from the airport to the hotel. 

Great idea about putting a break between the accommodations and family dinner.  I will definitely have that done.

Thanks so much!

Vegas_2010_Bride

instead of saying:
 "in the name of Smith-Jones at East Lansing Marriott at University Place"
try:
"in the name of Smith-Jones for East Lansing Marriott at University Place"
It feels like there are too many "at"s too close together.
either that or this:
"in the name of Smith-Jones at University Place's East Lansing Marriott"
I'm not sure what the actual name on their business card is but if it says the East Lansing Marriott at University Place I would use that.

For including the price you could do:
"The special rate of (amount) per night will be held until May 26, 2010 or until they are all reserved."
and just delete:
"Reservations must be made by My 26, 2010."
which I think feels more like a demand.

Also, if you're going through a specific company for your shuttle service I would think about mentioning that on the card. This would be mainly for letting them know who they're looking for but doesn't need to be included if you don't want to.

 Just a though and hope this helps