Wedding Invitations & Paper

Is a B-list considered rude?

Not sure about the logistics, but my guest list is getting OOC.

Thank you.
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Re: Is a B-list considered rude?

  • Yes, a B list is normally considered rude.  Would you want to feel like you're a second class guest to a wedding?
  • It's pretty much impossible to do a B-list without sending invitations either very early or very late, and when people receive an invitation outside the normal 6-8 week timeframe, they're usually quick to figure out that something's up.  I really wouldn't recommend it.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    The only way you can do it without being rude is if no one has any idea that there was a B list, or that they were on it.  In theory, it is possible to send out invites at 8 weeks, get a few declines and send out a few more invites before you reach the 6 week mark.  You'd also have to make sure no one on the B list knows anyone on the A list, in case they commented to each other about getting the invite. 

    In reality, most people don't respond until at or after the RSVP deadline, and asking for an RSVP more than a month in advance is rude, so it just never works out that you can do it without letting people know. 
  • It's slightly possible but to do it, you need to break the B list into a group of people who know NO ONE on the A list.  It also hinges upon your A list being prompt.
  • If we were going to do this, I would do something like this:

    My college friends are all OOT, and have the highest likelihood of declines, as they also all have new babies.  So, I could send their invites 10 weeks in advance of the wedding, and ask for RSVPs 6 weeks in advance.  Send the majority of the invites 8 weeks out, asking for RSVPs 4 weeks out.  At 6 weeks, send B list invites to those we have room for and ask for RSVPs 3 weeks out.  (I'm printing my own invites so I can change the reply by date easily.)

    If you're going to do B lists, the only people who know about it should be you and your FI. 
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  • Note - yes, I know, asking for RSVPs 6 weeks out is not ideal.  But, it's the only way to make that whole B list thing work without being super awful.  And, I'm pretty sure they all already know whether they're coming or not.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • I wonder how many people actually know the 6-8 week invite thing though.  Not that this is helpful for you at all, but when I first started planning I had no idea when to send out invites.  So...if I had gotten an invite 10 weeks in advance it wouldn't have made any difference to me at the time. 
  • I do not think it is rude at all. I was a B list invite to a friend of mines wedding who I work with. Both their families were large and with a budgeted wedding it was hard to invite all the friends they wanted to, so a bunch of us completely understood that it might not be possible for us to come. Your guests aren't paying for the wedding, so they should be greatful period if they are invited at all. Personally I think it's even MORE RUDE for a guest to be upset they were on the B list. My fiancee and I are having a B list as well, because we are also on a tight budget.
  • weddings are expensive and as people have said, they are not the ones paying for it! they should be honored to even be considered to be invited!!! We are doing a B list and guest have been made very well aware of it...... We simply CAN NOT invite all of our friends and work people!

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  • Like PP's said, I would try really hard to make sure no one on the B list knows they're on the B list, but it is possible to pull it off.  Especially if your B list is friends who are local.  I think lots of people know that weddings are expensive and understand that you can't have everyone there that you'd like.  Be careful, but go for it if you want to.
  • Just keep in mind that many of these girls are in the minority, partly because they're also planning weddings and intimately familiar with current prices, etc. 

    Many people will feel like they're a second class friend, expected to bring a first class gift, if they discover they're a B list invitee.  Try to avoid it at all costs to begin with, and then if you have to use a B list, do so thoughtfully to ensure that those who might be offended are not.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Some people think so.  Personally, I wouln't mind at all if I were on the B-list.  I understand people have budget and space restrictions and wouldn't look at it as if I was second rate.  The way I would look at it is, the bride and groom really wanted to invite us but had to extend the invite to family members or close family friends first.  We didn't need to do a B-list but I'm fairly certain I've been on one before. 
  • eh. I say whatever.  If I was a B list person I would not care.  I would just be happy that you thought of me to join you on your day.  I'm a  really laid back person though.  Some might care.
  • "The way I would look at it is, the bride and groom really wanted to invite us but had to extend the invite to family members or close family friends first. "

    You said it perfectly FutureMrs.McC  and I completely agree. People need to understand that you may have restrictions. My fiance and I are trying to keep the guest list at around 150, which is tiny considering the amount of people we know. I explained that to my friends and most of them were so understanding and said they would be completely ok with getting invited closer to the date, if I received some cancellations and was able to. And I've been there, I was invited to a wedding  as a "b-list" guest, but didn't look at it that way and was just happy to be invited, because at the end of the day isnt that what's most important, that the bride and groom did want you there. The day of the wedding, A-list and B-list guests are enjoying the same thing lol :)
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_b-list-considered-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:597da898-f891-43e3-ac07-4a340681ddf8Post:0c9667e6-705a-4d0f-a618-48ca32d2a452">Re: Is a B-list considered rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]they should be greatful period if they are invited at all. Posted by lrobins3[/QUOTE]

    I'm so sick of this attitude.  So many people seem to think that their guests should be so greatful that they are invited at all, and use it as an excuse to be rude to their guests. 

    You should be greatful that people are taking the time and spending the money to get dressed up, come to your wedding, possibly travel, and buy you a gift.  If you can't be bothered to treat them right, they shouldn't be on your guest list.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_b-list-considered-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:597da898-f891-43e3-ac07-4a340681ddf8Post:d0424ff1-438a-4f32-ac13-a5f01dc425a0">Re: Is a B-list considered rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is a B-list considered rude? : I'm so sick of this attitude.  So many people seem to think that their guests should be so greatful that they are invited at all, and use it as an excuse to be rude to their guests.  You should be greatful that people are taking the time and spending the money to get dressed up, come to your wedding, possibly travel, and buy you a gift.  If you can't be bothered to treat them right, they shouldn't be on your guest list.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly how I feel, as a bride and as a guest.  I've been B-listed before, and it's irritating.  I wish they'd just said they didn't have room, and we wouldn't have felt obligated to keep the weekend open until the last minute.  I'd have still gone to her B-party, given a gift, etc., and we could have done lunch after the wedding to catch up, look at pics, etc.  I, personally, would be WAY more understanding of that than of being a second-rate citizen.

    And, I know there are others who feel like that too.  So, again, although you as a bride see it one way - please think about how your guests' feel too. 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Anthriel22Anthriel22 member
    100 Comments
    edited January 2010
    I think that people do understand the constraints put on families throwing weddings.  Your TRUE friends will not be irritated at being on a B list.  Your true friends will want to be there, and WILL be grateful they get to attend, whether they were on an A or B list.  If anyone were to be offended by this, then they can decline the invite.  A wedding invitation is not a mandatory summons, it is a piece of paper showing that the invitors would like you to be there.  So what if they HAD to invite Uncle Bob who lives accross the state first.  It doesnt mean they didnt want you there, or that you are a "second rate" friend.  It just means their family had to come first.  There is so much politics involved in weddings, and my take is, if anyone doesnt like what I do, they dont have to come.  If they are going to get upset and cause problems for MY special day, then I am better off NOT having them there.  If you have to do a B list, I think its fine.....its your day, so do what you want!  I personally have a HUGE family, and I want my friends to be there.  It would be a shame if half my family couldn't make it, and I didnt invite my firends.  Then no one would be there....
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  • Having a B list itself isn't rude--having people know they are on it--that is rude.

    What we did is contact all of our relatives before invites went out and asked them to let us know if they were coming.  Then we did the same thing with close friends.  We explained that we had a limited venue and we needed to know if they could make it.  This allowed us to figure out how many more people we could invite from our B list.  Then all the invites went out at the same time and nobody knew what list they were on.
  • Shurba, Mrs. C and Mikes - care to join us on the etiquette board for a proper discussion of your oh so enlightened opinions?
  • How do you even order the B list? If you tell people, "Well, I might invite you when I start getting declines from people I like better" and you never get around to inviting them, it pretty much tells them there are 200 or so people you consider to be closer to you than they are. What if they buy you a gift because they are under the impression they are coming?
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  • You just send out A list invites early, then when you get declines, you send out B list.  You dont TELL people they are B listed!!!  Also, just because you B list someone doesnt mean you care about them less.  People have family obligations!  Like for my fiance and I, we have  190 people who are FAMILY that we HAVE to invite just because they are family.  Half of them live out of town and we never see or speak to them, and probably wont come.  However I am not going to ASSUME that they wont come, becaust thats just plain stupid.  But we have to invite them, they are our parents siblings and they are important.  Then we have our CLOSEST friends which brings our list up to 205.  Our venue only holds 200, so we cannot invite everyone.  We also have about 25 other good friends we would love to share our day with.  But because we cant afford it, and our venue doesnt allow it, we can anly have 200.  Therefore, once our out of town relatives start saying no, we can invite the rest of our friends.  People who get offended about this are petty.  There is only so much you can do, and you cant worry about being rude.  Also, ANYONE who buys a wedding gift before they recieve an invite should be to blame. 
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I love the bogus, A TRUE friend will understand.

    A TRUE friend doesn't put you on the B list!


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_b-list-considered-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:597da898-f891-43e3-ac07-4a340681ddf8Post:3a5f2c84-d569-4e0c-989e-e10044f75d03">Re: Is a B-list considered rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  There is only so much you can do, and you cant worry about being rude. 
    Posted by Anthriel22[/QUOTE]

    Actually, I DO worry about being rude. I would like people to think well of me. I was under the impression most people WOULD want people to like them. Or at least not dislike them for something as easily fixable as an etiquette faux pas.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_b-list-considered-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:597da898-f891-43e3-ac07-4a340681ddf8Post:9a3405ee-763b-45c6-8bfb-e2e2112c2e4e">Re: Is a B-list considered rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love the bogus, A TRUE friend will understand. A TRUE friend doesn't put you on the B list!
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    banana, I knew I loved you for a reason.  Read my mind.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Its not bogus.  My friends and coworkers all understand that i WANT them there with all my heart, but my family is just too big.  My cousin that I grew up with and am great friends with....she couldnt even afford to have  our familiy.  So my FRIEND, COUSIN, FAMILY, didn't even invite me.  Did I think it was rude?  Did I get upset?  NO, because I am a compassionate person and understand that weddings are expensive.  I wasnt even on the B list, and I am fine.  I wish I could have been there to celebrate her day, but am in no way put out or think she was rude.  This is how TRUE friends are, in my opinion.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
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    edited January 2010
    It isn't rude to not invite someone.  It is rude to make them a second class guest.  You seem to be missing the point.

    And you don't HAVE to invite anyone.  You prioritized your family over your friends, and that was your decision.  Your friends will understand that you couldn't invite them, but they will be hurt if you tell them they can only come if enough of the more important people can't.
  • I have a huge extended family.  I'm not inviting all of them.  I don't see them, we don't visit, we don't exchange cards or Christmas gifts.  Just because we have the same great-grandparents doesn't mean I should send them an invite before my friends get one. 

    You can invite anyone you choose.  But you should deal with the consequences of that decision and not B-list your guests.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • I understand, guess i just see it differently.  I would much rather get a later invite than not attend the wedding at all.  And no one said they are "second class".  You are giving this horrible stigma to the B-list that isnt necessary.  And I guess my friends are just a class above the rest, because they arent hurt, they only are happy for me that I am marrying the man i love.  And if they get to attend, they are going to be thrilled, and not have a grudge because they got their invitation 4 weeks later than my cousins did.  Guess I am just luckier than most...
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Anthriel, keep in mind - most people who are insulted by a friend won't come out and say so.  I sure didn't tell my friend that B-listed me that I thought it was a shitty thing to do.  I'm nicer than that.  But, I think it's a shitty thing to do, and I think she could have done better.  Either plan a wedding that fits in all the people she wanted to invite, or tell people she's sorry and can't invite them.  Quit riding the fence. 

    Just remember - some of your friends who tell you they don't care are likely actually insulted.  It's human nature. 

    None of us in the "no B list" camp are trying to hurt anybody's feelings or pick on their friends (which really isn't the case from a couple of others in the thread, but I digress).  We're trying to help you prevent yourself from offending your guests.  If you always pick the non-offensive option, you're safe.  If you pick the one that you think won't bother YOUR guests, you run a risk.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2010
    Did you really just say that you are a class above the rest because you are classless enough to second tier your guests? 

    Awesome.

    And we are not branding them as second class.  You are branding them as second class by putting them in a group less important than your A list.
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