May 2012 mommy brides

Luv4law07

Hey there, not sure how many (I know there are a couple at least) have kids already.  Are you having your kids in your wedding?  If so, what role will they have?

This is an ongoing issue with me and our girls.  We have 3 between the 2 of us, oldest is my stepdaughter who is 13 (will be 14 at the wedding), my daughter is 11 (will be 12 at the wedding), and our son is 5 (will be 6). 

Our son is a no brainer, he'll be the ring bearer, of course he has no issues, he's just happy he gets to get dressed up and have fun.  The girls are another issue.  Initially, we were going to get married in 09, but we bought a house and our lives have been overwhelmed with the house, kids sports, etc that it got pushed and pushed.  So back then, the girls would have been 11 & 9.  They were going to be the flower girls, still older than most flower girls, but doable.  Now they're complaining that they're too old, they want to be bridesmaids.  Sorry, tough luck, I get that you're older, but you're not old enough to be a bridesmaid (no offense to anyone having junior bridesmaids).  Its just not my preference, I feel everyone in my bridal party should be old enough to enjoy the pre-wedding activities (bridal shows, bridal shower, bach party, etc).  I've kind of been stressing reading ettiquette and appropriate ages for flower girls and most of what I read is they should be somewhat young.  So now I've been pushed into a position to call them flower girls/junior bridesmaids to make them happy.  But why should I make THEM happy on our day??  When it comes time to their weddings, I will do whatever they want as far as what role they want me to play, if anything. 

Sorry for the vent, but am I justified or being crappy?  haha...its my first and only wedding for cripes sake, and I know that I'm a$$ backwards for having kids first, but I feel I should get my day just like anyone else! 

krystalstovall

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have 5 between us. My boys are 8 ( will be 9 at wedding), 7 (will be 8 at wedding) and 6 ( will be 7 at wedding) and his daughter is 5 ( will be 6 at wedding) and his son is 2 ( will be 3 at wedding). So ours are still young. My oldest two are giving me away and my youngest is and his little boy are ring bearer. His little girl is going to be a flower girl. I am having my niece as a Jr. Bridesmaids and she will be 15 at the wedding. But I do understand how you feel. If you want them to be flower girls then I would make them flower girls. I will say this I was a Jr. Bridesmaids at the age of 11.But it all depends on what you want. I totally understand your not wanting Jr.Bridesmaids.

rainlex83

My daughter is 8 and will be 9 by the time we get married. She gives me the evil eye when I say she is my flower girl. Like your daughters, she thinks she is too old to be a flower girl. So I compromised with her, she doesn't have to throw flower petals down the aisle. She will be carrying a flower pomander. We're both happy.

Luv4law07

Krystal - I think my whole thing is that they're all high and mighty about this, saying *pretty much demanding* to be junior bridesmaids.  My stepdaughter was a junior bridesmaids in our friends wedding, so now she thinks she can only be a bridesmaid. 

They're going to be flower girls, whether they like it or not.  haha...I told them I'd get them pretty dresses, nothing frilly like a typical flower girl and can have their hair done.  Plus the extra bonus - less work, our girls are somewhat lazy, I think that will wiin this war.

Luv4law07

Rain - I was thinking the poms, but they dont want those, they want bouquets, I told them they can pay for their own then .  They threated to take my MOH's, I told them, she and I both will spank them in public if they pull a stunt like that.  I bought them baskets and am going to have them help me pick out the petals, so we are compromising somewhat.  Plus we are doing our own music, so I'm letting the girls help play DJ, which they are over the moon about. 

Its all about compromises, but really, it makes it a lot more difficult when you already have kids in the mix. 

ReidBreiling

I have 3 kids... two girls and one boy... by the time we get married my girls will be 7 and 3.5 and my son will be 1.5 ...My son will be the ring bearer, my youngest daughter will be the flower girl, and my oldest daughter will be a junior bridesmaid.

Pod0512

Honestly? I would hate to have been a flower girl at 14 especially having to carry a basket and drop petals.

It doesn't sound like you're compromising at all.  Why does it matter so much what they're called?

Luv4law07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_may-2012-mommy-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:04682cd9-4ee9-4c1f-950b-7e399ea3c8acPost:fc376989-2299-4ee0-8116-60cfe2107932">Re: May 2012 mommy brides</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly? I would hate to have been a flower girl at 14 especially having to carry a basket and drop petals. It doesn't sound like you're compromising at all.  Why does it matter so much what they're called?
Posted by Pod0512[/QUOTE]

I was a flower girl at 11, I guess I was just happy to be in the wedding at all.  Title didn't mean much to me, as I guess it does to them.  They're not opposed to carrying the baskets, they prefer to have a bouquet, but I have a very limited budget and quite honesly, for the price I'm spending on flowers, I am not going to get them each a bouquet that they will hold for 15min and toss to the side right after. 

They want to be bridesmaids, they want to attend every function we are doing as the adults.  This isn't going to happen.  I don't feel its appropriate to have 12 & 14yr old girls attending things like this.  Its not about the title, its about the activites they are involved in.  I want flower girls at my wedding, I want my girls in my wedding.  If they aren't the flower girls, I don't see another position for them, I don't want them as bridesmaids.  Junior or otherwise.  I don't have another young girl to be our flowergirl.  We have a max of 60 people at our wedding, thats including our family.  There is only one other girl (our niece), but her parents and brother are not in the wedding, it would be odd to have her as our flowergirl and our girls to be left out. 

You don't feel I'm compromising, I do...and thats fine, you don't have to agree.  I'm compromising with them in the fact that they get a duty that they wanted and it helps us out (dj).  They get to pick out the petals, they picked out their baskets already, they get to have their hair done the way want, they get to pick out their dresses and shoes.  These are all things that a bride *could* pick out technically, from the white frilly dresses to dressy shoes.  But I'm not being that picky, the one thing I'm asking is their role in the wedding.  Its the whole concept of you give them an inch, they take a mile.  They aren't getting their way COMPLETELY, so they get fussy.  I'm not getting my way entirely either.  Thats where I feel compromise comes in.  We both get some of what we want.  They get to be in the wedding (which they want), I get to have them in the wedding (which I want).

For goodness sakes, I'm not asking them to be ringbearers, I'm asking them to play a traditional female role, albeit they are a few years older than most that play this role.  Its a very small wedding, no one attending will notice their age, we're a laid back type of people and I know that everyone will be happy they are a part of our new blended family. 

Pod0512

I guess I just feel like if the girls feel that strongly about being flower girls, then what does it matter what they're called?  I agree with you that it is inappropriate for them to be involved in the same adult activities as bridesmaids.  You are their mother so you can certainly say that they are not allowed to attend those functions even if you decide to call them bridesmaids.
 

daftmagpie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_may-2012-mommy-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:04682cd9-4ee9-4c1f-950b-7e399ea3c8acPost:1ea16cfd-6c93-4bd3-9229-9db770d69947">May 2012 mommy brides</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey there, not sure how many (I know there are a couple at least) have kids already.  Are you having your kids in your wedding?  If so, what role will they have? This is an ongoing issue with me and our girls.  We have 3 between the 2 of us, oldest is my stepdaughter who is 13 (will be 14 at the wedding), my daughter is 11 (will be 12 at the wedding), and our son is 5 (will be 6).  Our son is a no brainer, he'll be the ring bearer, of course he has no issues, he's just happy he gets to get dressed up and have fun.  The girls are another issue.  Initially, we were going to get married in 09, but we bought a house and our lives have been overwhelmed with the house, kids sports, etc that it got pushed and pushed.  So back then, the girls would have been 11 & 9.  They were going to be the flower girls, still older than most flower girls, but doable.  Now they're complaining that they're too old, they want to be bridesmaids.  Sorry, tough luck, I get that you're older, but you're not old enough to be a bridesmaid (no offense to anyone having junior bridesmaids).  Its just not my preference, I feel everyone in my bridal party should be old enough to enjoy the pre-wedding activities (bridal shows, bridal shower, bach party, etc).  I've kind of been stressing reading ettiquette and appropriate ages for flower girls and most of what I read is they should be somewhat young.  <strong>So now I've been pushed into a position to call them flower girls/junior bridesmaids to make them happy.  But why should I make THEM happy on our day??  When it comes time to their weddings, I will do whatever they want as far as what role they want me to play, if anything. </strong> Sorry for the vent, but am I justified or being crappy?  haha...its my first and only wedding for cripes sake, and I know that I'm a$$ backwards for having kids first, but I feel I should get my day just like anyone else!  :)
Posted by Luv4law07[/QUOTE]
This might not be a popular answer but.... Honestly the bolded statement above really rubs me the wrong way.

1. When you have kids prior to marriage its no longer just about you and IMHO it never really is just about you. But having kids really changes that, its about a family at that point.
 2. No one said bridesmaids HAVE to be at every function. Maybe your girls would enjoy picking out decorations for a bridal shower with your other bridesmaids. But not be part of other events that may not be appropriate for them.
3. You say they'll be whatever roll you want IF anything, why would you exclude your own daughters from such a big event in your life? I don't know, maybe its just me but your daughters wanting to play a part in your wedding should be an honor.

My daughters will be 10 and 5 at the time of our wedding, my little one wont stand still and she'll fidget the entire ceremony. My oldest will cry and cling to me.  I know my daughters I know how they are. None of these things will make for great wedding pictures. HOWEVER they will be the only two people standing with us at our ceremony because they are the most precious things in my life. I'm not going to carry flowers so I can hold both my daughters' hands as I walk up the aisle. Our ceremony is going to start with a blessing for our new family Ryan is making as large of a commitment to my daughters as he is to me, and when I say I do I am committing my children to the relationship as well, thats a huge thing.

I realize some people wont include their children in such a major way and that is all personal preference which is fine. However to threaten to remove them all together from your wedding party and acting like they should be honored to be part of the wedding at all is backwards. You should be honored that they want to be part of the wedding.