hey girls. i just need a little vent session because i am seriously starting to lose it here. to give you a little background on me...i was in a few very bad relationships in my past, abusive and just something people say oh that will never be me, Finally 2 yrs ago decided to get myself out of the 6 yrs of terror i was dealing with and met the most wonderful caring man in the world. i was incredibly lucky because he literally saved my life. we got engaged in August in Mexico and it was the happiest day by far in my life. I was excited about planning a wedding. i am 30 and started to think i was not going to find anyone...and always dreamed of this amazing day.
once i started planning..things just started going very badly. 6 months into it....its no better.
here is a lttle bit of whats going on:
1. my mother and i have been battling over a dress i wanted. she offered to pay, backed out and spent the money she promised for my dress on a cruise. i was pretty crushed but we worked it out. she was pushing me to get dresses i just didnt want because they were less expensive even though she gave me a 1000 budget. for months i was upset she spent the money on a cruise for her... especially when she takes 3 a year and was planning one on the week we were getting married. Long story short, once she saw the location and the planning and dress etc. she finally stopped battling me on things.
2. my MOH called me dragging me into the shower plans which i didnt want to be involved in because my mother was going to throw me a shower in NJ which i wasnt thrilled with. i spoke to my mom and MOH and told them, id prefer NY since i have work and travel is a little hard especially if i have to tote a bunch of shower gifts around and get back to the island for work sunday morning (working 2 jobs 6 days a week to pay off my wedding). my MOH agreed that it was practical to have it up here in NY but my family wouldnt speak to me after that. i know im not in charge of where and when this thing happens but 90% of the people would be coming from here anyway...and thinking about them also...it was easier and more practical. my small family in NJ wouldnt come if it was in NY or NJ.
3. my 2 cousins were in the wedding. first i got a text that one needed to drop out because of money issues. so i offered to buy her dress...and she then said that she couldnt make it because i was in ny and she was in nj and the travel was too much.
this caused a battle royale amongst the family because my mother went back and told my aunts that my cousin was jealous. so then i got a nasty email calling me a vapid bitch who only gives a crap about money. needless to say, that crushed me to because i hadnt said anything other then i was really upset my cousin wasnt in it and that i even offered every solution and it seemed like a cop out to me. this led to #4.
3. i have a hard time even sharing this...its quite personal.... my dad was hospitalized for taking too much of his meds on purpose about 3 weeks ago. the stress, sadness this was all causing with my cousin dropping out and family fueding pushed him over the edge. he spent 2 weeks in the mental health ward of the hospital in NJ recovering. I think it helped him and i become closer as i have been pretty distant for a while because of the differences in the family and how busy i was with trynig to make a future for myself, at any rate...he is better now...
4. last night i got an email from my other cousin dropping out of the wedding. she said i changed and took the fun out of this whole thing. honestly....other then working 24/7 practically i dont see how i have changed. i think i am like any normal bride to be working my butt off to pay for a wedding.
My wedding is NOT too extravagent but it IS what i want. We are getting married in an aquarium. My dress was 1,000 and my wedding is costing us 24-30K. All of which, with the exception of my dress is being paid for soley by my fiance and i. I work 2 jobs (80 hrs a week). My BM dresses are $160 each. I invited them all to NY may 21 this year, just booked a limo to take us wine tasting and dress fitting, which i paid for myself to say thank you for traveling....and i still have people dropping out and telling me ive changed.
I dont know what more i can do for anyone. My one BM said, im trying too hard to please everyone. i tell myself this is MY day....but then i get called selfish or get told i have changed. i feel bad....to the point of me wanting to cancel my wedding and eloping. this is by far just the tip of the iceburg.
i havent been able to sleep and ive been upset and crying....i feel like my family of all people let me down.
im sorry to vent to you girls who dont know me....but i dont have anyone else really to talk to as the people i should be able to confide in pretty much are bailing left and right one me.
anyway, off to work...16 hr shift today.
hardly seems worth it anymore.