May 2012 Weddings

Vent Gotta Love BM's

So I know I am not the first nor last bride to have BM problems. Luckily mine haven't out right done anything I just feel like none of them are there. My MOH and I are having problems being 3 hours away from each other. We are both getting married and can't do anything to help the other which stresses me out more sometimes. But I have 4 BM's that I thought would help with the extra.

I know it is not their job nor a duty to help me with every little thing. But I would think if a bride specifically asked you to help with something you would. I have asked over and over again but it's not like they are saying no I just get no response. So slowly they have all started to make more of an effort so I thought. Until last night I text all the girls except my MOH and said: "I got my invitations in today and would love if all or some of you could help me put them together here in the next few weeks, Sundays and weekdays work best for me but I can work with everyone's schedule. Just let me know so we can plan something I'd love to get everyone together."

I don't feel like anything I said was harsh or rude. I didn't have anyone text me back yesterday or today. I have even text them again to make sure they got the message and still no reply. This is not the first time this happened I also tried to get a heads up on hair and makeup from the girls so I could let the stylist know so she could plan accordingly and no one text me back except my MOH.

This annoys me because it's not like I am asking for them to go spend tons of money or drop everything to help me I am trying to work with their schedules. I love these girls but I'm starting to lose patience with not getting answers.

Thanks for letting me vent ladies!

Re: Vent Gotta Love BM's

  • I can understand your frustration, but the thing is, your BM's really don't "have" to help you with the invites.

    Besides going to pick out dresses/order dresses etc. my BMs have done nothing to "help" with the wedding. I don't expect them to!  One of my MOHs asked if she could help with the escort cards, and when I told her it probably wouldn't be until April, she said fine but let me know when you start them. I'm not even sure I'll take her up on this offer, but I would never call/text/ email the BMs and ask for their help on a non-BM related task.

    Also, if my Mom didn't specifically ask to help me with the invites, I would have done them myself or with FI.

    Sorry that your BMs aren't responding to your texts though, thats really annoying.

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  • It's not your BMs responsibility to help you with anything at all. They are to buy a dress & be at the wedding - that's it. I know that if I were a BM & the bride was asking me to do specific things, it would push me away even more. I would rather offer to help, than be told what to do. Ultimately, it's your job to do the invitations. If your BMs offer to help you with them, that's awesome, but if they don't, then you & FI should do them yourselves.

    I know it's hard to believe that everyone isn't as excited about our wedding as we are, but that's the truth. Our WP has other priorities & things they need to do. I'm sorry they're not responding or offering to help & I understand why you're frustrated, but in the end, these are your responsibilites. GL, I hope they offer to help you :)

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  • pantherRNpantherRN member
    1000 Comments
    edited February 2012
    I agree a lot with what PP said. Above all else, this is mine and FI's wedding and we are the first ones responsible for pulling it off. Therefore, he's the first one I ask to help me with something. If he can't help me and it's something I truly can't do myself, I'll ask my mom and then maybe my BMs.

    They have their own lives and jobs and relationships that are a bigger priority than my wedding.

    ETA: why don't you try calling them? 
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  • edited February 2012
    It sounded to me like it was the lack of response that was frustrating you..  I bet if they had texted you to say they couldn't help for 'x' reason, you probably wouldn't even mind that they didn't help... because at least you got a response.

    Not that I'm one to really advise, because I don't have a real WP.. just my cousin (MOH) and FI has just a Best Man.  But.. here are my thoughts:

    I agree with PP that it's not their 'job' to help you, etc.. but over the years, I've been a BM in 5 weddings, and a MOH in two.  I had varying relationships with each of the brides- from being in shock at being asked, to being probably more excited about the wedding than the bride was herself-  varying physical distances, too. 

    For each of them, however, being asked was an honor.  And I may have complained about them at one point in time, or another, but I cared about each of those ladies, and valued our friendship.  Each and every time, I offered to help them with whatever they needed.  Not because I thought it was my 'job' but because, again, I cared about them, and valued our friendship.  If someone I care about needs my help, you can bet I'm going to do whatever I can to help them.  Because that may not be my 'job' as their bridesmaid/MOH, but because they are my FRIEND. 

    I know this is long... sorry.  I'll jump off my soapbox, now. :)

    ETA:  All that being said... I would have expected at least a response, from my FRIENDS.  Even if they aren't able to assist... as friends, they should at least respond.  
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  • I was told by past brides "never ask your bm to do anything other then buy their dress and be on time". I have been offered loads of help by one, nothing from the others, and I'm fine with that. I was a bm in my sisters wedding, promoted to Moh the week before and she called me to do everything. Now she regrets it, although she has been a thorn my side as my bm, but she is pregnant. I don't think it's their job, and asking seems pushy/rude. I know I was super annoyed when I was a bm. But to not answer texts, or q's about hair/day of junk is beyond annoying I'm sure.
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  • I agree w/ PP but also think that you deserve a response.
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  • mandydc0509mandydc0509 member
    500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_vent-gotta-love-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:0f4e01eb-9f4e-4322-b584-18cd10b2183cPost:a90a350a-5231-4021-a6ae-ed2a0b252185">Re: Vent Gotta Love BM's</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not your BMs responsibility to help you with anything at all. They are to buy a dress & be at the wedding - that's it.<strong> I know that if I were a BM & the bride was asking me to do specific things, it would push me away even more. I would rather offer to help, than be told what to do.</strong> Ultimately, it's your job to do the invitations. If your BMs offer to help you with them, that's awesome, but if they don't, then you & FI should do them yourselves. I know it's hard to believe that everyone isn't as excited about our wedding as we are, but that's the truth. Our WP has other priorities & things they need to do. I'm sorry they're not responding or offering to help & I understand why you're frustrated, but in the end, these are your responsibilites. GL, I hope they offer to help you :)
    Posted by dori851[/QUOTE]

    Alll of this, especially the bolded part. Honestly, if a bride asked me to do something I wasn't too thrilled about, I'd probably postpone answering. I'm def not saying that's the right thing to do, but that's how I'd probably respond. Could that be what your BMs are doing? But yeah, you deserve some kind of answer.
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  • FWIW, if a friend.. a really good friend, good enough to be in my wedding.. asked me to do something, no matter WHAT it was (wedding related or not), I'd at least respond in a timely manner.  That's just good manners.

    Should OP expect help from her BMs?  Not necessarily.  But she does have the right to expect that her closest friends not ignore her texts.
  • Sorry you're feeling frustrated with your girls and that they aren't living up to what you hoped they'd be :(

    However, PPs are all right.. the only thing they need to do is show up and be pretty in the dress you chose. If they OFFER to help, that's fantastic, but I would never ask them for a specific thing.
    Also, have you spent time with them for NON wedding things? You chose them because they're your FRIENDS, so make sure that you don't replace "friend" with "help me with wedding things." Hang out with them for a drink or something and do not mention the wedding unless they do, but even then keep it short. Make it a night about them, let them know you appreciate their FRIENDSHIP without any expectations.  If the only time they hear from you is for wedding related stuff, they may be wondering where their non-bride friend and just want some hang out time as friends... nothing weddingy. Try that, they may be more open to wedding things after (and if not, then they're not.. and it stinks, but we can't justify being mad or angry over it)

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_vent-gotta-love-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:0f4e01eb-9f4e-4322-b584-18cd10b2183cPost:9cdf2e3f-af92-4b30-be34-16d767bd9486">Re: Vent Gotta Love BM's</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree a lot with what PP said. Above all else, this is mine and FI's wedding and we are the first ones responsible for pulling it off. Therefore, he's the first one I ask to help me with something. If he can't help me and it's something I truly can't do myself, I'll ask my mom and then maybe my BMs. They have their own lives and jobs and relationships that are a bigger priority than my wedding. ETA: why don't you try calling them? 
    Posted by pantherRN[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this 100%. While you can ask your BMs for help, they are in no way obligated to say yes and you really can't be upset with them for not wanting to help or not having time to help.</div>
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  • Honestly, I feel like when you agree to be a BM or MOH, you know that there are going to be wedding events that you are going to have to be involved in. When I was a BM in my best friends wedding, we had litteraly a weeks worth of DIY projects that we all got involved in. It was really fun! She made it into a little BM DIY party. Its not like you demanded their presense, you simply asked for a little help and I feel it is toally rude of them to snub you and not respond at all. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, and clearly you don't expect them to drop everything and come running when you call, but its good manners, especially from people whom you probably consider your best FRIENDS. Id be pissed if my friends didn't respond to me, even if it had nothing to do with my wedding

    I know that it is not their responsibility, and ultimately it is your wedding, but at the same time being asked to be in a wedding is an honor! I would expect more courtesy from my friends.
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  • I definitely agree that it is super frustrating to not get a response, be it yes or no.  However, I get the feeling like they aren't responding because they don't want to or are unable to help at this time, but feel bad saying "no".  I'd just try and get it done on your own.  Sorry =\
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_vent-gotta-love-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:0f4e01eb-9f4e-4322-b584-18cd10b2183cPost:da03c37c-29ab-411b-b353-b7a277d3fbce">Re: Vent Gotta Love BM's</a>:
    [QUOTE]I definitely agree that it is super frustrating to not get a response, be it yes or no.  However, I get the feeling like they aren't responding because they don't want to or are unable to help at this time, but feel bad saying "no".  I'd just try and get it done on your own.  Sorry =\
    Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree.  I think they're lack of response is their answer to your question.  Also, have your FI help you !
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