I need advice! (To ask a BM or not)

Soon2bStaff

 I completely understand that you are getting one side here, and that my decision to ask this person is solely based on my judgment… but I’m lost!

Back story: I have this friend; we’ll call her “D”. We have been friends since 3^rd grade, best friends since 8^th. We are now both 24 which means we are talking about 11-ish years of besties. We would always go out, party, whatnot throughout high school. I went to college (grew up) and we semi drafted apart but whenever we get back together, it picks up like nothing and is so easy. (Side note: There is another best friend since 1^st grade--we’ll call her “L”--that concludes the three of us!) Well, L will be in the wedding but I have yet to ask or even consider asking D to be in the wedding. 

Things to consider: D has addictive issues. She wants to be an adult but her addictive behavior and psychological state has kept her wanting to party and be out of control. We (L & myself) have always “been there” when D would say, I’m changing, I’m getting myself together, getting a job, staying away from bad people, etc. But… as I’m sure you can guess, it never stays true. L’s birthday just rolled around and nothing from D, not even a text or facebook message to a “best friend” on her birthday. Well, I finally had it when I got engaged. I set out a text to 10 of my closest friends and the only one that did not respond… D. Two weeks roll around and she texted me, “Sorry I didn’t say CONGRATS!.. my car got totaled last night L” We talked maybe a good 5 minutes through text and nothing since. That was Jan. 22^nd. It is now April 13^th. 

My thoughts: Yes, I’m being over critical about all of this and I could just say of course, we’ve been friends for so long, I couldn’t see my wedding without you by my side…. But I don’t feel like that anymore. She has issues, she doesn’t have money, she’s hard to get along with sometimes, but she still is a forever friend. L got me thinking about this when we were talking last night and I can’t shake it.  

What would you do?

klw0022

Sorry that you're so torn!
My thoughts on this would be to go with your gut. Not to be 'mean' but it IS YOUR day; you want your BM to be those you trust and respect with the utmost to help you through your wedding (not by doing things, but just for moral support). If you feel someone would be too dramatic, etc. then it might be best and less stressful to even go there. Know what I mean?

(I'm only having a MOH for this and other reasons)

audreyjem

That's a tough one. Do you need to make the decision right away? On first instinct, I would say avoid the unnessecary headaches and drama and don't ask her. If she's turned her life around as the wedding gets closer, maybe think of another way to include her, like having her do a reading (if you have them), or something else.

On the other hand, if she's someone who you think will be in your life in the future (although it sounds like you're drifting apart), then maybe you should consider it more...

My FI and I weren't going to include my brother in the wedding party because he gets a bit stressed under pressure and he's been known to drink/smoke a bit too much, but he's my brother and I know it means alot to him to be in the wedding, and since we're having a catholic mass, he won't have to stand up much anyways, so it shouldn't be an issue. We had to just weigh the pros and cons, and it means more to me that he's part of our wedding, even if he looks a little stoned (although I hope to God he won't!)

mandi921vh

That's such a tough spot to be in, you guys used to be so close but it seems like recently you have drifted apart. I am confused about her behavior.. you mentioned she is "hard to get along with." Was she always like this and you were able to maintain a friendship with her or is this a new development?

Mona8

My first instinct would also be to not include her, but I agree that you have to go with your gut. You know her and the situation best so no one can tell you what to do here. My advice- Don't make the decision now. You have some time before you need to decide so wait and see how things go, and you might find the answer becomes more clear. At the end of the day, you want someone who can help you not only through the planning process, but also be supportive to you your whole life as a true friend. It'll be hard to choose but I'm sure you'll make the choice that is best for you!  Good luck!

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_need-advice-ask-bm-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:23441151-929b-43fe-a595-e2c5b97126d9Post:26ea49ec-6373-44d7-a63a-dbb5f471803a">Re: I need advice! (To ask a BM or not)</a>:
[QUOTE]My first instinct would also be to not include her, but I agree that you have to go with your gut. You know her and the situation best so no one can tell you what to do here. My advice- Don't make the decision now. You have some time before you need to decide so wait and see how things go, and you might find the answer becomes more clear. <strong>At the end of the day, you want someone who can help you not only through the planning process,</strong> but also be supportive to you your whole life as a true friend. It'll be hard to choose but I'm sure you'll make the choice that is best for you!  Good luck!
Posted by Mona8[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree with this, BMs are not required to help with the planning process, that is what your FI is for. </div>

Mona8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_need-advice-ask-bm-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:23441151-929b-43fe-a595-e2c5b97126d9Post:71cfe684-74fd-40aa-ba99-1e74a30effda">Re: I need advice! (To ask a BM or not)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I need advice! (To ask a BM or not) : I disagree with this, BMs are not required to help with the planning process, that is what your FI is for. 
Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]


Totally agree- I said they help you <strong>through</strong> the process- as in being a good friend to you when you get stressed or need to vent or simply share in your happiness with you- things like that! While I do think most bridesmaids want to help <strong>with </strong>the planning process as well, it is by no means a requirement. Guess I should have been more specific :)

victoriaturner

Ohhh this is awkward - I would just have in my mind if you dont ask her to be BM I assume you are going to still ask her to the wedding do you think it will be uncomfortable that she isnt BM. Not saying you should ask someone to be BM just so it isnt awkward. But there isnt any going back once you have started buying dresses and trying dresses on with your other girls. I think if you dont ask her you might have to accept that she will be really hurt / may not come to wedding / may break down friendship forever. If you are willing to potentially lose D as a friend to not have her as a BM then you shouldnt have her as a BM, if the thought of losing her as a friend is not worth not having her you should have her as BM. I know if one of my closest friends had the other 1/3 of the threesome and not me I would be really hurt.

A lot can happen in a year, maybe she will sort herself out.

rainlex83

I'd say don't make a decision yet. You still have a lot of time to decide.
You want bridesmaids that are supportive. You don't need the extra stress. I agree with *audreyjem. Maybe you can give her another role in the wedding later. Since it does sound like you two aren't as close anymore.

Soon2bStaff

Thanks everyone! You have confirmed my feelings exactly! I will ask the other girls in July but I will wait with her. If something were to happen to where she would reach out and be an active friend again, being a BM is a possiblity. If she is still MIA, I might ask her to do a reading or be a female usher (still "put" of the wedding but not a BM) and see where it goes from there. Again, thanks everyone! =o)

FutureMrsSheeler

This is tough. Definitely go with your gut. If it were me, I don't think I would ask her. You two haven't been close for a little bit, and you don't want to have to stress and worry if she will get her BM dress on time, and let alone show up for the wedding!

Soon2bStaff

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_need-advice-ask-bm-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:23441151-929b-43fe-a595-e2c5b97126d9Post:fa76f51a-fb0d-429f-a802-46e5a1003858">Re: I need advice! (To ask a BM or not)</a>:
[QUOTE] "hard to get along with." Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]

As in, she has bipolar tendencies. ..but she won't seek treatment long enough to make a difference.

leahstinson

I agree with everyone else by asking later based on how things go. 

Tlongo

This is a tough call.  I think waiting before making the decision is definitely the way to go. 

How close do you live to L and maybe D.  Maybe the three of you can go out for dinner one night and that may help you assess the situation.  Being that you have only really texted her a few times in one spurt it may be better to see her face to face again.

2 options for what you could do later if you are still torn.  One would be to give her another role as other PP mentioned.  If you don't mind having and unbalanced BP you could add her and if she bails at the end no big deal.  But even having her around could ultimately cause more tension for the BP and stress for you.

If you do include her as a BM you should make it clear to the other BM not to expect much from her in terms of time of money.

Me personally I would probably leave her out, but that's easier for me to say without a lifelong friendship with her.

lanejane

I would ask myself if she's a reliable person... or is she going to call you the night before the wedding with some random story about a bird flying away with her dress.

Wait and see how the situation develops. If you still have doubts then don't include her and save yourself the stress.

arauchte

I always say ask the people you are close with no asking the people you know the longest.  My college roommate asked her oldest friend to be her MOH even though they weren't the closest just because she knew her longer which definitely caused some problems with a few girls.  If you aren't close to her, why have her in your wedding?  I think see how it goes and if things changes...but it sounds like you already know you really don't want her in your wedding.