Question about bridesmaids

greeneke2

OK so I am a little confused right now about this...

-All over these boards the girls say that your bridesmaids just have to get the dress and show up and they don't HAVE to do anything else and you shouldn't give them a list of expectations etc.

-Well in most wedding planning books I have and even from The Knot they say to let your bridesmaids know what you will need them to do etc.

So what are you ladies doing??

Just having your bridesmaids show up or are you letting them know what you need from them as bridesmaids.

Erica1011

I've been surprised by reading that too.  I've been in 4 weddings and the bridal party is always responsible for the shower and bachelorette.  Of course you can't expect them to be at your beck and call.  But a dress fitting, a bridal show or hair trial. Stuff like that is totally appropriate in my book.

greeneke2

Yea thats what I thought...I was so surprised when I kept reading that one the boards, but every wedding planning book/or site seems to contradict that

Pod0512

I think that line gets thrown around too much on the boards.  I think it stems more from having too high expectations than anything else.  Lots of times brides come around complainnig that their BMs aren't doing enough and thats when the line gets thrown out.  Yes, that's all the BMs HAVE to do, but they are your friends and would probably do more than that anyway because they love you and want to be there for you.

I will be inviting my BMs to various things, but if they can't/don't want to go they don't have to.  However, they are my very best friends, so I think they will WANT to come along and help out if I ask them to.

Mona8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_question-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:2e9041de-24e5-4e69-b72a-c650da66d5e6Post:221c0752-1d1e-4cb0-8890-c4e741b822eb">Re: Question about bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that line gets thrown around too much on the boards.  I think it stems more from having too high expectations than anything else.  Lots of times brides come around complainnig that their BMs aren't doing enough and thats when the line gets thrown out.  Yes, that's all the BMs HAVE to do, but they are your friends and would probably do more than that anyway because they love you and want to be there for you. I will be inviting my BMs to various things, but if they can't/don't want to go they don't have to.  However, they are my very best friends, so I think they will WANT to come along and help out if I ask them to.
Posted by Pod0512[/QUOTE]

^^  I agree 100% with this! Couldn't have said it better myself  :)

greeneke2

Thanks ladies!!!  I would never have my BM's at my beck and call...but I just wanted to clear that up lol

FutureMrsSheeler

I'm not expecting my BM's to do much. I ask them what they think about dresses. They'll be invited to a bridal shower and bachelorette party. But I don't really have anything for them to do or help me with, because I like doing things myself.

Soon2BSand

Well call me a 'Zilla but... my bridesmaids are just that brides maids. No they don't have to clean my house (although I wish they would) but they are expected to help out as much as possible during the process and the day of.

To FH and I our wedding party is much more than showing up and being pretty... as a matter of fact we told them all that it doesn't end when the ceremony ends. We want them to be an active part of our marriage (and pre marital activities).

S0095042

I HATE when they say "all they have to do is show up!" I persoanlly think that that's crap b/c a good bridesmaid is supposed to be there for the bride...

I think this is an old school thought...now I don't think the bride should pawn things off on to her bridesmaids but they should be willing to help if they can OR atleast be willing to maul over ideas with the bride. 

When I've been a bridesmaid we have always been expected to help the bride with small DIY tasks, etc and to plan the bachlorette party.

I think as long as you ask and not demand then it's fine.

Becky&Chris

I think that line of thinking comes when the bride is expecting too much of her bridesmaids. Ultimately I do think that their only responsibility in being in your wedding is to get a dress and show up. But I think 99% of bridesmaids are excited to be in the wedding and want to help out and support the bride as much as possible. I think you just really need to know your bridesmaids and what you can expect.
 
For example, one of my BM is getting married 2 weeks before me.. do I expect her to be totally gung ho about helping out with things for my wedding? Of course not. Knowing this friend, she will be anyway, but I would never expect that or demand it of her. I think it's all about having realistic expectations and being very grateful for any help you do receive.

leahstinson

I will definitely not have them at my beck and call but I do hope for some help with things such as assembling invitations and also putting together centerpieces a couple days before the wedding. 

Also, my MOH's are going to a bridal show with me and also to my dress apts, fittings, etc. I want them to be an active part of my wedding but I do not need them every step of the way either. 

S0095042

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_question-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:2e9041de-24e5-4e69-b72a-c650da66d5e6Post:45129b1e-004b-4448-835e-fa027d930a12">Re: Question about bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]I will definitely not have them at my beck and call but I do hope for some help with things such as assembling invitations and also putting together centerpieces a couple days before the wedding.  Also, my MOH's are going to a bridal show with me and also to my dress apts, fittings, etc. <strong>I want them to be an active part of my wedding but I do not need them every step of the way</strong> either. 
Posted by leahstinson[/QUOTE]

This is what I was trying to say :)

LDW0225

I completely agree with pp. However.. speaking from experience here, your bridesmaids will want to be there for you and help you out along the planning process if you appreciate what they are doing for you. You need to realize as a bride that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. If your BM's can't make it to everything, realize they have their own lives as well and  you shouldn't expect them to be there every single time. When they throw your shower/b party don't act like it's not good enough and not even say thank you, except on facebook so you can put on a front for everyone else. Ugh... sorry for the vent but this is a bride(zilla) I had to deal with as a BM and by the end I couldn't stand her and didn't want to help her at all. Maybe that is a bit rude on my part, however, everyone has their breaking point. I've been in other weddings where the bride understood if you had other plans and could make it to everything and was happy and excited about their shower. These brides I would do anything for and did.

So my point is ladies, if you treat your BMs like crap, then no they will not want to help you and will just show up on time on your wedding day. Show some appreciation and they will likely do anything to help you out leading up to your wedding.

toothpastechica

i avoided having to even think about this as i only chose people to be in my wedding party that i KNEW would be interested in being involved. Why would i ask someone to be in my bridal party who i cant count on for support through the process? That said. my MOH has already offered to take over any stagette responsibilties and another bridesmaid and her have volunteered to oversee any parties/showers that have to happen between now and then, and my third bridesmaid is my sister, who i live with, so shes not only excited, but willing to help with the mundane stuff. 

   I do have a jr bridesmaid who lives out of town...she is just expected to show up! Everyone else i picked because i knew they would be able to and wanting to support or help me

XxKrazy4u

as a maid of honor in a friends wedding and a bridesmaid in another ive gone above and beyond for my friends,,,traveling all over gods creation, planning their bachelorette and showers, gone to bridal shows, picked dresses, helped with invitations and whatnot..so when i asked 6 of  my closest friends and  family to be in my wedding i expected them to be there for me too like i was for my friend. WRONGGG...at this point, ive asked for help, and instead there have been a lot...andi mean a lot of issues of me having to accomodate them.

my advice...keep it simple. it will save you a lot of aggrivation. some girls do not understand the stress with wedding planning and i was told by my own cousin who later dropped out of my wedding that while it is MY day...it isnt hers so i cant expect her to do what i want or need her to. i hope your girls are not anything like ive been dealing with.  PS....my cousin and i now do not speak to one another. she said some really hurtful and nasty stuff...and the funny thing was...i didnt even ask her to do anything but show up for  a dress fitting.

CassieeK

The only thing I have asked them to do is come with me to pick out my dress.  They volunteer to help with a lot, though.

jaimechristena

I am surprised to hear that people are saying that about bridemaids on the boards.  I don't expect a tone from mine because most of them are out of state.  I probably expect the most from my matron of honor but she is my FI sister and she has agreed to do a lot.  I do invite them to things, if they can make it they do.  Some have gone to bridal expos with me and some have gone to bridal fittings.  I would hope that they can help out the week of my wedding, I know my maid of honor plans too (she feels so bad she's not helping out more because she is out of state).  

I also don't plan on asking for a lot from mine, I am practically having 2 of everything so they don't have to do a lot of flying.  I know my girls have lives and other things to do, I am just so happy when they can be there for me.  

Yes, do I expect them to do more then just buy their dress and show up of course.  

pantherRN

I think there is a difference between requirements and responsibilities. BMs are only required to show up at the wedding in a dress, on time, and sober. Over the course of the engagement, they may acquire additional responsibilities. If your MOH decides to host a shower for you, she may ask Sally to coordinate the food. That then becomes a responsibility. Does that make sense? The saying that BMs are only required to buy a dress and show up probably came about because many women do believe that a BM is required to throw a shower, buy a generous gift, be your personal assistance, and wash your feet. If a BM wishes to take on additional responsibilities, that is up to her and you can't be mad if she doesn't. I hope this makes sense and comes through the way I mean it to....

daizee32

My bridesmaids are not asked to do anything besides get the dress and be there on that day to celebrate.  I would never expect them to help me with planning or assembling or any of that.  I've been in a bunch of weddings before and I was never asked to do any of that stuff. 
Ettiquette may say different but that's what I'm doing.

greeneke2

Wow!  Everyone's opinion is sooo different!!  Well this is what I have decided:

My MOH is my sister.  And regardless of being in my wedding or not, she would end up helping me with my planning, DIY, anything I need help with anyway because that is just the way my family is.  So I know she is going to be super involved, but its because she wants to be not because I asked her to do it!

As for my bridesmaids, I have already had a few of them tell me to let them know whatever I need help with or if I need them to do anything.  So I am glad that I have girls in my wedding that are going to give me the support I need if I need it and not get pissy if I need their help.  That being said, my guess is besides my family's help, I don't think I will need too much help from anyone else because I've had so much time to plan!!  But its nice to know that they have offered if I get in a blunder and really need something!  

I guess thats why I picked the girls I did anyway!!!

I loved how this whole post was civilized!! Yay for the ladies on our board!! again proving how awesome we are!

Pod0512

I get what you're saying, panther.  Bridesmaids do have those basic requirements, and the rest is just icing on the cake!

I think the more brides look at it from that perspective, the more the bridesmaids are going to want to help out, rather than feel forced to, and a more pleasant experience will be had by all.

XxKrazy4u

ive been trying to go with the approach of tell them what i am doing and if they chose to be a part and help then that is fine. but i am finding that my BMs have their own lives...they care very little about whats going on with planning right now. even the shower and bachelorette my MOH says the girls are more concerned about what they want...not me. so ive been incredibly frusterated and annoyed.

Glambride09

My BM's haven't offered to help much but I don't expect them to throw me a separate shower.  They'll be invited to my showers as guests and if they want to help, they will.  If they don't, they don't.  Naturally, I wish they would volunteer to do things to help but I would never ask them to.  What I've been doing is trying to "invite" them to help with things (dress selection, flowers, etc) rather than demand that they be there.  In my eyes, you really don't want anyone helping you if they really don't want to be there.

toothpastechica

I think people run into bridesmaids issues when they expect too much from them, or when they try and make everyone happy with every decision. I was in my friends wedding and was kind of annoyed as some of the other bridesmaids thought the day was all about them!!! (ie what dress looks best on them, not caring about the rest of us or the brides style, making opinionated remarks about where the dinners were going to be etc) when it comes down to it, its your day and if they are not interested or excited about it, then its up to you to let them  know that its still your day and that you would love thier presence on the day, but that they had agreed to support you and YOUR choices. That way if people want to be involved in helping you great! if not they can just wear the dress and show up. Id rather have less help then have unsupporing bridesmaids who feel like they are obligated to go above and beyond.