Down in the Dumps (Long)

spalko

I've been engaged for a little over a month now and at first the wedding planning seemed like it would be fun. However, I'm slowly realizing that this whole process is not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be. I'm an emotional person to begin with but throw in the happiest day of your life and I am a complete wreck!

My FI is currently stationed overseas which is hard enough to deal with but trying to make wedding plans at the same time is just as hard. He wants to feel more involved so I try to involve him and then he says that he doesn't care. My FI has graciously given up his bonus that he gets from the army so we can pay for our wedding (neither of our families can really afford to help out much, which is just fine!) but I feel like he holds that over my head sometimes. I feel completely awful that he has to spend his bonus this way but I just wouldn't be OK with getting married at the courthouse or something like that.

The in-laws don't help much either.... We currently live about 3 blocks from them so I spend a great deal of time with them and whenever we talk wedding I always leave feeling like I shouldn't want so much. When his mom and dad got married they just went to the courthouse and that was that. His mom always mentions that to me and then offers to have it in their backyard (they live right next to train tracks that are used daily), I already feel bad enough as it is for using the bonus money but I feel like they look at me like I'm taking their sons money! Ugh, it's just frustrating!!!

So if all that isn't bad enough, I can't decide on a wedding venue to save my life. I live in rural northern michigan so our options are slim to begin with! I orginally wanted the wedding outside but at the end of May the weather may still be crap and I don't want to risk getting rained out. Then I thought we could have it at this old theatre that has been fixed up and the ceremony would be on stage then the reception upstairs in the ballroom. The only problem with that is they only provide tables and chairs, the caterer I've looked into (there aren't many choices) doesn't provide china or beverages, so not only would I have to get it catered (which is a ton of money in itself) but then I have to rent dinnerware, silverware, glasses, table linens, napkins, provide all the alcohol and non-alcoholic beverages, and need about 22 centerpieces (we're looking at around 150 guests)!! Needless to say this doesn't leave much money leftover for anything else!!

I'm just super frustrated and I don't even want to plan our wedding anymore! I just feel like its all too much for me to handle right now and we're going to end up going broke when all is said and done. I know in the end we're going to be married and thats the important part but is it so wrong of me to want to have a beautiful wedding surrounded by all those that love us. I just don't know what to do anymore....

Ambie106

First off I would say take a deep breath... I have been engaged for over almost a yr and a half and the planning hasnt gotten any easier. I dont think FI parents see you as taking their sons money. Out of the venues that are in your price range I say go look at them 1 more time take pics if you can and see which ones really stand out then write a list of what you and dont like about them. My FI wanted to be involved to but once he seen every little detail that changed... Can you cut your guest list down any? I think it could also help if you took a break from wedding planning take a few days or weeks off and revisit the situation... I hope everything works out for you!!!! :::HUGS:::

daftmagpie

Its not bad to want a beautiful wedding. However weddings don't have to be large or expensive. Is there a local military base you could use their chapel and meeting rooms?

You have over a year to plan can you pick up a part time job in the meantime to save extra money? Can you have a Sunday 2:00 wedding then do a cake and punch reception? That would bring down food costs as well as the cost of serving items. DIY as much as you can, its super easy to do invitations, menus etc. Eliminate the things that arent musts like programs, menus, save the date cards and favors. See if you can use candles as center pieces instead of flowers they're much cheaper and still make a great looking table. Stay away from "bridal" things. Need a planner grab a 3 ring binder and visit this website: http://www.russellandhazel.com/content/wedding-templates, you'll have a personalized planner for around $4.00 instead of a bridal one for about $40.  Is your head count firm? 150 guests are a lot to feed can you trim out some people? We're feeding about 50 people at our wedding (full dinner) for about $700. Check into local restaurants and see if there is a room you can have you reception in there. Restaurants are a whole lot cheaper then caterers. If thats a no go see if they have a take out menu and if they'll give you a quantity discount. Our favorite Italian place where I live offers their whole menu as a take out menu, for one of my GF's wedding we just ordered lasagna by the whole pan, meat by the pound, etc and served it at her lunch reception.

If his parents arent supportive then don't talk to them about the wedding. Instead of asking his opinion on items tell them they're costing X amount and ask if thats ok with him. Maybe he'll feel better about giving up that big bonus check if he knows you're carefully watching every penny. Keep your chin up and take big breaths  you have plenty of time.

Tlongo

Don’t get too deep in the dumps over everything.  Yes it can all be stressful and sometimes very stressful but it will all work out in the end.  Parts of the planning will be fun, but a lot of it will also seem like work.  Calling vendors back and forth dealing with quotes, etc.  Not quite the excitement we all probably envisioned in planning a wedding. 

It sounds like you have any idea of how much money you can and want to spend for the wedding.  That is a good start and should help keep your expectations in line.  As PPs have mentioned think outside the box, VFW halls, military base, etc.  I am sure you will find an excellent venue for your wedding in your price range. 

I am sure your FI doesn’t mean to make you feel bad about using the bonus for the wedding.  He wants you to be happy about the wedding as well.  The fact that he tries to stay involved even though he is overseas is a good sign. 

FIL and parents are brought up here way too often.  We all seem to go through bouts with them trying to make them see our vision.  It can be tough when dealing with them on any wedding issue.  If they aren’t paying for anything don’t tell them how much you are spending.  This way they won’t ever come back and say you spent $XXX on that. 

mandi921vh

You have plenty of time to plan your wedding so take a deep breath I would just take your time and look at venues that are in your price point, take some pictures like PP have said. If at all possible a good way to lower costs is to cut the guest list. 

As for your FI, what I do with mine is when I want his opinion on something I will narrow the choices down to less than 5 so he doesn't get too overwhelmed, and I only ask him something WR once a week or less. 

krystalstovall

Sweetie first like PP said take a deep breath. I totally understand feeling overwhelemed. Planning a wedding is not easy and the stress can get to you. Just remember in the end it's all about you and your FI becoming husband and wife. And we are here when you need to vent.

FutureMrsSheeler

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I commend you SO much for being so strong with your FI overseas. I toatlly agree with the other girls and remember that this is your day. Don't feel bad!

greeneke2

I agree with PP.  Take a deep breath.  I can totally understand how you feel with dealing with your fiance being overseas.  My fiance is in the Marine Corps and come next month he is deploying and I won't see him again until next March.  So, try not to stress too much over that because it can all be done!  Even without him right there by your side.  You have the right to have a beautiful wedding that you want.  If his parents don't agree with what you want to do for the wedding just don't talk about it as much around them!  And lastly if you are having a hard time or need advice all of the ladies here are always more than willing to try to help!

spalko

Thank you so much for all the encouraging words! It's nice to hear those things after days like today. Just to clarify, our guest list might not be 150 people, thats just an estimate but I went on the high end just to make sure we'd have enough money. I'm hoping for more around 100 people but my mom keeps telling me it'll be more than that. I already work two jobs, six days a week (sometimes seven) so part of my rant might have come from exhaustion from working so much. It's just nice to know that there are other ladies out there feeling the way I'm feeling and its nice to have the support. I really apprecaite it and I'll keep you posted on when/if I ever make a wedding decision. Right now all I've got set in stone is the guy (he's a definite keeper) and the date!! Hopefully everything else will fall into place here very soon. Thanks again for all the encouragement, I promise to take a few deep breaths and relax a bit more. You ladies rock!!!