Step-parenting and discipline

amiehipkins

Anyone marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship? My question is when do you step in when it comes to disciplining the step child?

I've been around for quite a while, since the step child was 9 mths and she's almost 5. My FI doesn't discipline her the way I would when she yells and talks back to him, he squats down and tries to talk to her. They constantly argue about what he wants her to do, unless I speak up and tell her to do what her daddy says, or threaten to whip her or put her in time out. For the record, I've never lifted a hand to her, threatening her seems to work every time though. If he doesn't start being a little more stern I'm afraid she is going to continue to run over him. She showed out this weekend somthing terrible - and he finally popped her once or twice after she screamed in his face, but it shouldn't get to that point. When I try to give him ideas, he thinks I'm being mean, but she's turning into a little brat! Maybe it's her age, idk. 

Anyone have any ideas?

gpapale1

If you and your FI plan on having children together, you definitely need to have a sit down to talk about the appropriate discipline for your children (including the child he already has).  It seems that she knows she can get away with certain things because your FI lets her (most of the time).  I also think that she is getting a different set of rules from her mother, and maybe that is why she acts the way she does.  Is your FI on speaking terms with the child's mother?  It seem that they need to have a discussion about her attitude/behavior.  If the same set of rules does not apply to both households, she'll think she can do whatever she wants when she's with her dad (and you).  It sounds like the little miss needs to be put in her place and reminded who the parents are in the house.  I have no problem giving a kid a nice, long time out.

AurorasEnvy

Difficult situation - I work with some girls who are in committed relationships where both have brought kids from previous ones, and it sounds to me like this is always the biggest source of contention in their relationship.

I can't tell you what to do per se, but I would suggest taking a time out to sit down and have a heart to heart with your FI about the issue - not when your stepdaugher is around, but when you guys know you are going to have enough time to fully discuss it.  It definitely sounds like you have a reason to be concerned. 

I would bring up your concerns that you guys are sowing the seeds for major issues with discipline later on.  I'd also let him voice his concerns.  If you guys can't seem to come to an agreement, I would definitely seek help from a 3rd party mediator (counselor) to help with the issue.  I think this is one of the main reasons couples with joined families have problems and split up, and it sure isn't going to get better with time.

Good luck!

mancila60

I can say from being a step child that if you don't stand together on situations then later in life it will be worse. They will know who to go to for what. I always knew my step dad would say no and my mom would say yes. This is something you both need to figure out now and decide on boundries.

pantherRN

My mom's second marriage ended  a few years ago and this was one of the reasons.

PP gave you good advice. You and your FI need to be on the same page for all discipline for your SD and all future children. As far as when you should step in, I think that's something you and FI need to talk about too. I think if she did something and you're the only adult around, it's fine for you to hand out the appropriate punishment. However, if your FI is present, I think I would defer to him for the appropriate discipline at that time. 

Something I wouldn't even go near myself is corporal punishment. I would always let FI handle that. I honestly don't have any reasoning for this thought, though.

mandi921vh

I agree with PPs that you and your FI need to be on the same page as far as discipline goes, same goes for the mother. Children need consistency in all aspects of their lives especially when it comes to discipline.

amiehipkins

To answer several PP Questions:

Gpapale1:   Yes, he does have a good relationship with the childs mother. Although, they live in an apartment with 3 other older kids versus coming to our house where she is the only kid. I do feel she gets away with more at her moms just b/c its always so hectic there. 

pantherRN: "Something I wouldn't even go near myself is corporal punishment. I would always let FI handle that." Totally agreed, I wouldn't begin to do that. But I feel she is at the age where if she isn't going to listen, she needs a harsher punishment than time out b/c its obviously not working. 

mandi921vh: "I agree with PPs that you and your FI need to be on the same page as far as discipline goes, same goes for the mother." Funny that you say that because her mother and I are on the same page. Actually right after Christmas we had a situation where her mother and I both told her to leave her dolls at her daddys because she had enough at her mommys. But then my dear FI gave in because the child wouln't stop crying. Then all of a sudden "the child" (lol) hides behind her mom and smirks like "I got what I want."  We both tried to tell him, that's the reason she is the way she is and he laughed it off. 

I am going to bring it up this week because her behavior is getting out of hand. I refuse to have a hand in raising a bratty child. My parents didn't raise me that way and I came from a split home. We have very different views on how things should be handled. My mom wouldn't think twice about jerking me up, or whipping me in a store somewhere if I wasn't listening/behaving. But his mom raised him different. And nowadays, child services gets called if you even act like you want to whip your child.

My FI has severe anxiety issues, so it's only going to take a few times her showing out in public for him to put a stop to it (I hope). He had his first bout Friday when she refused to get her hair trimmed.

Thank you all for your advice!