::VENT:: (long)

Mona8

My first official vent. Some of you may remember me mentioning that my mom is my least favorite part of planning. And here's why:

-She tells me my dress is ugly (even though she told me she liked it the whole time until the day I ordered it, because I tried on one last dress that she ended up liking better)
-Told me I shouldn't have invited my FMIL when I went dress shopping because it should have just been me and her (my MOH also came with us but my mom didn't comment on that. Sad to say but my mom is actually jealous of my FMIL. I love my FMIL who has been nothing but wonderful to me, but I love my mom as well and it's not like she's getting replaced so I don't know where her insecurity is coming from. It's just been hard to share wedding details with my mom since she makes me feel bad about everything I do)
-Constantly tells me I'm doing things too early
-Trying to get me to make my 14 year old cousin (who I see twice a year) a groomsmen. I'm sorry, but that's FI's choice not mine. And it doesn't make sense to have my cousin as a groomsmen. I've offered to have him be a reader but that wasn't good enough for her.
-Criticizing my centerpiece choices (until she actually saw what I wanted to do and then all of a sudden she thought it was a great idea)
-Made us change our original venue... The venue we have now was actually our top choice but it was too expensive so we went with our second choice which my mom despised because "the ceiling was too low" My parents are paying for the venue so I know I have little right to complain here. It was just the way she did it- After telling me it was ok, we signed the contract for the first venue and as soon as our signatures were written and the depoisit handed in, she started complaining about it non-stop in front of the owner of the venue. I was so embarassed I ended up having to leave the room and cried. She then called to cancel the original venue and told me after the fact!

I've tried telling her as little as possible to avoid arguments but then she gets mad at me for not telling her enough.

On a personal note- she told me she wanted to disown me because I'm moving in with FI this week (she doesn't approve). I think the decision to move in together is mine and FI's. It's right for some people and not for others and I don't judge either way. But my mom always tells me that she shouldn't have spent any money sending me to Catholic schools and that she won't visit our place until we're married.

So today, I called her this morning to tell her I was planning on going with some BMs to pick out the BM dress at the end of June and I asked her if she wanted to come to look for her dress. Again, she told me it was too early to do anything and that I should just be focusing on school because she doesn't think I am. Let me say- I am 24 years old and a graduate student working in a lab so I don't need my mom telling me to do my homework. I have already finished all my classes which I got all A's in and I am now just working on experiments for my thesis. I was also valedictorian of my high school. HOW AM I NOT FOCUSING ON SCHOOL?!? 

I know this is relatively minor compared to the other things she's said to me but it's just problem after problem and it's really starting to upset me and just make me really sad. I'm still trying to enjoy planning and I have tons of other people who support me, but it's still hard when your mom gives you such a hard time about everything

What are your thoughts? Should I just suck it up?

klw0022

Is it harder because she's helping to fund the wedding? I would say in that case, not to be devil's advocate, but to 'suck it up'
I know parents stink and are suck sticklers with giving us a hard time...no matter how old we get, etc. but if she's paying for it I'd just let what she says roll off of your back. of course it's hurtful sometimes, but try not to read into it too much or let it get in the way of YOUR DAY with YOUR MAN!

Mona8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:680543bf-ba36-4559-b60e-f2d987eb13a2Post:7f9483a1-7e95-480a-beb7-6adeec5de4a7">Re: ::VENT:: (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it harder because she's helping to fund the wedding? I would say in that case, not to be devil's advocate, but to 'suck it up' I know parents stink and are suck sticklers with giving us a hard time...no matter how old we get, etc. but if she's paying for it I'd just let what she says roll off of your back. of course it's hurtful sometimes, but try not to read into it too much or let it get in the way of YOUR DAY with YOUR MAN! :)
Posted by klw0022[/QUOTE]

She's only paying for the reception venue (and the food). FI and I are paying for almost everything else. And I know you're right, I should just let it go and sometimes I'm able to. But the things she says are so hurtful that even though a part of me doesn't care- the other part wishes my mom didn't disapprove of everything that I do

klw0022

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:680543bf-ba36-4559-b60e-f2d987eb13a2Post:2bd864c3-131d-4a8b-9d31-c5f951dccbcc">Re: ::VENT:: (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ::VENT:: (long) : She's only paying for the reception venue (and the food). FI and I are paying for almost everything else. And I know you're right, I should just let it go and sometimes I'm able to. But the things she says are so hurtful that even though a part of me doesn't care- the other part wishes my mom didn't disapprove of everything that I do
Posted by Mona8[/QUOTE]

Well, then I'd say have a chat with her. It's hard because she is your mom, but she needs to know how you feel. Because if she doesn't know and you hold it in long enough it'll have an even more negative impact (like not talking to her at all or blowing up after it's gotten to you quite a bit)...maybe just to say you're my mom and I love you but why are you being so negative, can't you just let me have my day and be happy for me? I honestly know how you feel but mine is more of a cultural/generation thing. My mom's Chinese and super old school so she's not really involved in my wedding at all...very quiet and demure. I wish she was more excited and involved, but it's just how she is.

Luv4law07

You're that rock stuck in a hard place and there's no easy answer.  Its easier said than done, but try and let her comments roll off your back.  Of course I know thats not something easily done when you love your mother, want her approval and involvement in this wedding.  But at this point I think its best you tune her out as much as possible, I'm sure she's upset she's losing her little girl.  Try and look at it from her perspective.  I'm not saying take her side, but when she starts griping, think from her side and maybe that will help you to brush it off better.  I'm sure once the wedding is over you'll be back to normal with her.  At least I hope!

I wish you the best and hope she starts to come around quickly, this is your time to shine and you deserve all the support you can get right now!

Mona8

I probably should have also mentioned that I have tried to speak with her and tell her how her negative comments make me feel, but she refuses to listen to what I'm saying and it never makes a difference.
And that blow out that you mention happening Kat- it's already happened twice. One time we didn't speak for 2 weeks. I had to be the bigger person and I started speaking to her again. The second time she ended up apologizing later that day but still told me she doesn't like anything I'm doing. This happens all the time though. We'll have a major blowout. Eventually my mom wil apologize or I'll just let it go and then a dew days or week later she's back to criticizing me.  It's exhausting and I guess my main concern is that my relationship with my mom won't come out intact after everything

Lissa1213

I don’t think I’m the right person to give advice since my family situation is beyond screwed up, but it does sound like a PP said, “You are between a rock and a hard place”. Personally me and my big mouth would tell mom “It’s my wedding not yours, why don’t you go make someone else miserable and leave me alone.” But since she is footing the bill for some of the wedding it wouldn’t be too logical to do that.  I guess you have to decide on what is best for you and your wedding. 

FutureMrsSheeler

Jeez, it doesn't seem like there is any logical answerr for this one. Maybe talk with her once more and make the talk more about you.. and not blaming her, maybe then she would listen. Tell her you're sensitive (even thought I know you're really not, that would hurt my feelings too) and need more positive comments about everything. 

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:680543bf-ba36-4559-b60e-f2d987eb13a2Post:3b754d00-a00c-42f5-87c8-9d7316b3a062">Re: ::VENT:: (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Jeez, it doesn't seem like there is any logical answerr for this one. Maybe talk with her once more and make the talk more about you.. and not blaming her, maybe then she would listen. Tell her you're sensitive (even thought I know you're really not, that would hurt my feelings too) and need more positive comments about everything. 
Posted by FutureMrsSheeler[/QUOTE]

<div>I would do this. I would also not talk to her about the wedding at all, unless it concerns the parts she is paying for, and keep that to a minimum.</div>

elizajane519

I am in a similar position.  My parents are contributing financially and so there has been a fight about everything so far-seriously cake icing for a cake that is 12 months away!   
 I ask their opinion on 2-3 options that I already like, we discuss it and then I make a decision.  They feel included and involved and hopefully they are happier. For the dress- I went with some friends tried them on and then choose 3 for my mom to see when we go dress shopping. I told the clerk to pretend we had never been there and swore my friends to secrecy. My mom thought it was my first dress shopping experience.   Evil? maybe. but necessary. I have to keep apologizing for things I shouldn't have to apologize for so I keep giving the fake apology, "I am sorry you feel that way." They hear the "sorry" part and not the "you're crazy part." My advice- ask your mother's opinion, ask her why she wants whatever- tell her why that won't work and then make a decision.  You need to listen to her, compromise occasionally and apologize when you don't mean it.  For some reason, wedding planning makes people crazy. Seriously, I bought a house by myself with no imput from them but now I have to ask their opinion on cake icing.