MOH problem, don't know what to do :(

LittleLunarMouse

(Sorry in advance for the wall of text!)

I guess I could use a few unbiased opinions about this, since clearly everyone close to me is very opinionated about it for their own reasons. So here is the problem.

My MOH (and also my best friend) texted me on saturday and asked if we could meet monday (her day off) "to talk". Already I could tell something was up, because normally she would ask to hang out or get lunch, not talk. I didn't really think too much of it though, and on monday texted her asking when and where she wanted to meet. She said she had some errands, but asked if we could do it soon. I say yes, and then she texts back "lets meet at starbucks, we're heading there now". The WE comment made me realize her roommate (another bridesmaid) was also going to be coming along, so now I KNOW something is going on.

Long story short, we meet up and they proceed to tell me that they reason they wanted to meet was because they had to be honest with me about something that had been bothering them; that being, that they felt I am rushing into my marriage, and we haven't been engaged long enough (9 months may be a short engagement for some, but its long enough for me!) and they're worried about my financial situation (I had a miscarriage recently and havent been working for the last 2 months or so) and they think Im being too controlling over the wedding (which is ridiculous). Namely, they had this long list of reasons (which were all luducris) I shouldn't get married and why they couldn't support my decision. 

Why wait until NOW to say something?!? Why be SO excited for me, come dress shopping with me, spend MONTHS planning with me, to throw this in my face not even 3 MONTHS before my wedding?!? I feel super betrayed. Its not like they cant have their own opinions, but why PRETEND to be so happy for me, when in reality you don't really believe in any of it?

So my dilema, and where the true problem comes in, is: these girls are my MOH and one of my bridesmaids. Do I even keep them in the wedding party, or just ask them to come as guests? I told them both that I love them and I want them there, but if they cant support my happiness and my decision to marry the man that I love, that Im not sure if I want them in the wedding party. But that leaves me two and a half months to get two other girls to take their places! What do I do!?! Im considering just taking the title away from MOH and giving it to the girl that has been doing all of the work anyways (and is my oldest friend), but FH says hes not sure if he even wants them in the pictures at all. Any suggestions for this fiasco?! Help would really be appreciated.

amandad18

This is a tough one. I don't even know what to say.

Irregardless of what happens with the two girls that talked to you, make your oldest friend the MOH, especially if she's been acting more like one.

As for the other two, I just don't know. I probably wouldn't keep them in my wedding party. But I also wouldn't stress out about finding two more BMs if you don't have anyone you'd like to ask.

Good luck with this situation- It's certainly a sticky one

cshoaf1

I'm sorry that you have been put into this situation. If your friends felt this way they should have stepped forward sooner. I can only imagine how hurt that you feel, but I am sure that they have your best interest at heart.

That being said, the decision to continue to be in your wedding party is up to them. You can't ask someone not to be in your wedding party anymore and you can't demote your MOH either. If THEY decide that they would only like to attend as guests, please do not get replacement bridesmaids. Because that is what they will be: replacements, second choices, etc. I was a "replacement" bridesmaid in my own brothers wedding and it did not feel like an honor to me. I felt like someone to just fill the lineup.

I hope that your friends come around and the hurt feelings can be mended. All you can do is stick up for yourself and tell them how much you love your FI and are ready for marriage. I hope things work out for you!

mandydc0509

First of all, my FI and I were also together for 9 months before we were engaged, his twin was with his now wife for 3 months, and one of my coworkers was with his girlfriend for 2.5 months before they got engaged. Then again, I know people from highschool who were together for years, got married, and are already divorced.

Time means different things for different people. That's something I had to remind myself after some reactions I got to my engagement. Those that seemed skeptical at first started to understand once they saw me and my FI together.

Anyway, I would not kick them out of the party, but I would let them know that the wedding is happening  and that you'd like their support but that you understand if they want to step down. I typically don't say that, but the wedding party should be the ones (aside from the family) that provide the most support. I don't blame your FI for being upset.  I also agree with PP about replacements - don't do that.

GL

pantherRN

You can't really take titles away or kick them out without potentially losing them as friends forever. That being said, I agree with PP. Let them know that you appreciate their concern, but the wedding will be happening. If they choose to step down, then let it be. I wouldn't replace them, just go with unbalanced sides. I'd feel pretty crappy if I was asked to be a BM only after others stepped down.

AurorasEnvy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_moh-problem-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a18c6578-c19b-45e6-98ba-f774e48749bdPost:90a19e3e-43f2-481a-969c-347dc030fa35">Re: MOH problem, don't know what to do :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry that you have been put into this situation. If your friends felt this way they should have stepped forward sooner. I can only imagine how hurt that you feel, but I am sure that they have your best interest at heart. That being said, the decision to continue to be in your wedding party is up to them. You can't ask someone not to be in your wedding party anymore and you can't demote your MOH either. If THEY decide that they would only like to attend as guests, please do not get replacement bridesmaids. Because that is what they will be: replacements, second choices, etc. I was a "replacement" bridesmaid in my own brothers wedding and it did not feel like an honor to me. I felt like someone to just fill the lineup. I hope that your friends come around and the hurt feelings can be mended. All you can do is stick up for yourself and tell them how much you love your FI and are ready for marriage. I hope things work out for you!
Posted by cshoaf1[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think this sums it up nicely.  As much as it sucks to hear, and as much as their fears may/may not be unfounded, at least they had the courage to speak up and voice their concern for you - which I am sure was not easy for them to do.  I know after I've ended several relationships, I've had friends say stuff like "yeah, I didn't really like him" or "I thought you could do better" and I've been like WTF, why didn't you say anything while we were dating or having relationship issues?</div><div>
</div><div>If it were me, I would probably tell them that you really appreciate them trying to be good friends, and wished they would have voiced their concerns earlier, but that you know in your heart that you are making the right decision and that you hope they can support you in that.  I'd also probably tell them that if they really can't support your marriage, that they don't have to stand up for you and can just attend the wedding as guests with no hard feelings.  Maybe they just need to get to know your FI more and see you 2 together more.

</div>

LittleLunarMouse

Thank you ladies for all the kind replies so far! Good to know that a lot of the things I've thought, others have thought too.

I did indeed commend them both for being brave and coming forwards, and also for being honest with me; I know that it wasnt easy for either of them and they just did it out of love. That doesn't stop me from hurting from the fact that they've been hiding this from me for about half a year though

I should have mentioned that when we had the discussion, I pretty much left the decision about where to go next up to them, saying that they should do whatever made them most comfortable. I told them that they both have come to my wedding no matter what, but if they wanted to opt out of being in the bridal party and just come as guests I wouldn't be hurt. I also told Jen (MOH) that if she just wanted to step down from being MOH and just be a regular bridesmaid, there would be no hard feelings either. I just feel like the MOH should be my biggest support system, and since Jen told me in her exact words "I just can't get excited about it", I really don't think I should leave important planning for wedding events up to her. 

toothpastechica

Don't kick them out just yet!!! I have been this girl in the past...one of my best friends in the world was getting married to someone who I had actually known longer then her. They were engaged for 2 years. When she asked me to be in her wedding I was honored, but as I heard more about thier relationship and thier situation, and knowing the guy from a time that pre-dates her I had some serious concerns, I didnt want to see my friend struggle from getting married at that point in time without some of the issues being worked out. I had a conversation with her about my concerns (which were all valid and she was mature enough to understand that I was coming from a place of true concern for her future), and told her that I love her and that I will stand up for her if she gets married but that she would serious think about some of it. I was in her wedding and within a year thier marraige hit some very difficult times, it took all of my restraint to not be a 'i told you so', but to continue to support her. Last year (4 years after) they renewed thier vows, and I am so happy they worked things through. That was all to say your friends may have sincire concerns, but that doesn't necissarily mean that they dont want to support you. (of course the too controling comment is a different entitiy entirely), and having now talked to you it may have been just that they felt unseasy about supporting you in something they are worried about, and just wanted to protect you.

KissaC18

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_moh-problem-dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a18c6578-c19b-45e6-98ba-f774e48749bdPost:2ad7d59f-c151-4ea4-9d20-fd92cf79cba1">Re: MOH problem, don't know what to do :(</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a tough one. I don't even know what to say. Irregardless of what happens with the two girls that talked to you, make your oldest friend the MOH, especially if she's been acting more like one. As for the other two, I just don't know. I probably wouldn't keep them in my wedding party. But I also wouldn't stress out about finding two more BMs if you don't have anyone you'd like to ask. Good luck with this situation- It's certainly a sticky one :/
Posted by amandad18[/QUOTE]

This! It really sucks that they put you in this position. I agree that it was rude to just pretend to be happy for you when they had theses concerns. They should have sat you down about it a lot earlier instead of three months before the wedding.